Messing with my head..

'Lizzie you do know I'm leaving at the end of the month don't you?'

My throat warms up as I try to swallow it tingles as if I'm going to burst into tears, my eyes start to twitch as I prevent the tears incase they think I'm as insane as i seem...

'No I didn't know'

I respond like I don't care, like I'm just over it and not hurt or feeling anxious of a replacement 

My mind all confused and jumbled already with;

'Not another one'

'What if they don't understand my problems'

'What if they can't help me'

Since the first month of my recovery I've had people walk into my life.. My damaged life, my healing brain..

'Liz it's normal it happens'

'I know mum but I get attached'

You've helped me for a short period of time during a long journey of recovery.. 

'They gain experience and move on'..

My lip shakes and my heart sinks..

'BUT I DONT WANT TO BE AN EXPERIENCE!'

I have stronger feelings and a brain that clings onto people, you can't just enter and leave my life without leaving scars and tears, you become a distant memory always playing on my healing brain..

My learning support assistant is leaving, just like occupational therapists and physios, they've helped me at times I struggled but leave like I can just 'get over it'

I know I will but I'm used to it now... 

Onto  the next one...

Getting on with life..

As you can tell, it's been a while since I wrote a blog post so here's why;

I didn't think my recovery would get any better as I didn't see any changes for months, I heard it would slow down but never thought it would be as slow as it was,

Binging on alcohol when I went drinking after massive relationship break ups and damaging my body even more, I finally discovered a new start..

Meeting stroke survivors who had tried and motivated themselves to recover to their best ability.

I sat on my own everyday at home unable to join university within the first few months of my stroke due to the fatigue and memory problems also walking..

I was determined to go back and try to reconnect my brain, in the struggle of the ups and downs harsh comments from neuropsychologists telling me they still thought it was 'too soon'

I took my own mindsets decision in doing what I wanted, I was so sick of hearing people telling me what to do, assuming they knew me inside and out..

I returned to university in September 2015, to start my future and my journey also to watch the dramatic recovery start; retraining my brain to learn, listen, be motivated, sit still, walk more, eat healthy in order to let my body discover new ways of living..

Meeting people, becoming polite, positive and stronger than I ever have been..

I've started the first proper module and handed it in, in time for the deadline

I've started my second essay and second project due to the stress I cause myself if I'm behind or struggling.. 

I write my own notes, I've seen myself go to uni at 10am and leave by 12; yawning napping a lot, headaches and crying over stress of not thinking I'm ready.

To; working above targets, speaking aloud in lectures, communicating with strangers and peers to sitting and walking around uni from 10-5 (we finish at 4) I've noticed how happy I am when I come home from just doing something with my day instead of feeling sorry for myself.

Your body can change in a matter of days months and weeks.. 

Just like your life. 

When you put your mind to achieving you can beat anything. 

Be motivated, stay positive and focus on the future. 

At new year my boyfriend at the time proposed to me, so I guess I can call him my fiancé. 

For now; I've started a 'detox' for my body, no Facebook, not as many takeaways, drinking water instead of Coke and doing my exercises and walking more.