A shoulder to cry on..

and a person to rely on,

Today out of weeks of anxiously waiting; testing my urine waiting '60 seconds' for the colour to change to the amount of protein in my urine, walking around literally for 10 minutes and my calf swelling so much, my stomach so bloated that I looked about 5 months pregnant.. (I'm not)

I think you get the gist.. 

As I waited in another waiting room staring at numerous posters promoting health conditions and watching the nurse shout Patients one by one for blood pressure checks and weight checks..

40 minutes later my name was called.

I'm polite to people when I meet them, especially doctors after all they're helping you. 

"So, you have 3 + protein in your urine, I think you're relapsing or have relapsed"

My mum took over with questions which I'm thankful for as I was so confused.. 

I've suffered from nephrotic syndrome since I was 15 months old, 

My mums been in charge of my care, since then.

Teaching me the symptoms and signs of when I'm ill again..

Trying to eat spaghetti bolognaise (my absolute favourite dinner!)

And noticing some weird bright pink dust/clumps that I now know are steroids..

Today I was given a long prescription of hand written medication to add to my fun list of medication at the moment..

I've always been conscious of my weight which is why I try to loose weight (so when and if I relapse I won't be enormous) that's what people don't understand..

Mum knows when I'm upset.. as we left I burst into tears and due to my stroke when I cry it's so much!

'When it rains it pours'..

'I know it's though I really do Liz..'

*you don't though*

After saying this to my mum I realised the times she'd hug me and reassure me everything was going to be alright, remembering that she's made me the person I am today and going through what I have, so she knows more than I do.

Life's so difficult at times but you realise who's there for you through these moments, 

And now I actually have people I can count on..

So let's crack on with these tablets and steroids, creating a moon face and weight gain..

To get better again.

Clubbing..

I'm probably one of the only stroke survivors who's been clubbing after a stroke..

It's something I've done since I was 15..

It was Liam's sisters birthday so we celebrated by drinks and ending up at Club Chemistry (a nightclub in Canterbury)..

I remember it was the first club I ever visited and back then it had a completely different name
 *god I feel old*..
'The Bizz'
It's huge! Three floors each of which play different music..

I get so anxious as there are a lot of stairs, but it's fine because people get the gist when they notice I'm slow..

When I go out I can stand for longer periods than before, my leg aches but that's normal.
I dance to the point where I currently feel like I've done about 1000 sit ups and squats, girls it's like when you wear heels and get an aching foot..

I'm always having an anxious chat with Liam before we enter any club "Liam will you stay with me?"
Of course he does, we stick together even though he probably gets bored..

As we decided to leave the club (because we're to old for it now..) I ventured down the three flights of stairs..
People rushing to get outside to smoke and girls hanging around on the stairs chatting, it gets crowded!
Then me.. holding the right side of a silver metal sticky hand rail covered in alcohol..

*ew ew ew wash your hands*

Anytime I walk downstairs I cause what I call a "traffic jam"
I joke about it.. Liam waited on the bottom platform of the steps..
Smiling because I was holding my head higher than I used too..
Two guys were so close to me which I hate (I get paranoid when people are to close)
"Go infront of me, I've broken my leg and I'm really slow"..
Yes I lied, but lets be honest telling the truth is stupid they wouldn't understand at all..
Liam smiled with a giggle as normally I'd be swearing and get so upset..
They said thank you and jumped down to the steps in front..

I find clubbing easier than before, it's something I used to 'love' because it was 'sooooo cool, borrowing someone's ID getting ready and 'hitting the town' ..

I accept I'm different, I accept I can't strut around with my legs out *i can but obviously my splint would show*
I accept I can't 'slut drop' or 'twerk'
But I'm older and I've been through something that no one would ever understand, why explain myself to random people.. just inform them that I'm slower on stairs
 because you know..
"I've broken my leg"

I'm not ashamed I'm a living proof of gaining confidence after a major stroke.
After all, no one is perfect.

Transport..

I write this as I'm sat on a train from Maidstone - Canterbury as I met my friend for lunch..
I never really do transport or travelling blog posts as to me now, it's part of my everyday life..
But I guess you're wondering how a stroke survivor gets to destinations,
I use busses and obviously trains, when needed..
Mums always been so anxious about trains especially and now I can see why, the step before getting on and off
Hustling past the crowd rushing to return home..

My walking is always going to improve I hope
Like I say all the time, I'm so fortunate to of been taught a technique that matches every other persons walk gate and way..

I still can't bend my knee enough to stop hyperextending, but like I know that that's a normal side effect after a stroke..
I guess that's why people stare, my legs swings when I'm tired, just a tad not a lot,
But my walking is really fast, sometimes I walk to fast that I'll be speeding ahead of friends..
Yay go me :)

It's scary to think I couldn't even lift my leg three years ago. Now it's everyday..

Trains are so tiring especially staring out the window as your brains processing everything!
*oo trees*

I love transport and I love the fact I can actually manage to use it.

I don't know if you've learnt enough about using transport after a stroke from this
But I thought I'd give you a rough idea from my experience.

Anyway I'm going to lean my head on the window of a train and try to sleep..

Friends..

I wrote a blog post about 'friends' just after my stroke, not a positive one as it wasn't a positive outcome from my stroke,
I lost all my friends for not being capable of things I could do before,
You know..
Drinking
Walking
Having a laugh
Being positive
Feeling wide awake

Probably everything that you'd presume from those people who aren't friends, just acquaintances.

I learnt they weren't and never were friends from day 1 after my stroke;

I blamed myself and hated my body

I used to go drinking probably once a month.. the usual;
Hand on hip (usually left arm) pose
Massive heels that I thought I could walk in (luckily I never bought really expensive ones
There's probably so much more but I've stopped reflecting on them as it's not me anymore

Yes I drink ( probably to much)
I don't go out because I get self conscious still and upset when  my 'friends' ignore me as if I don't exist..

As I've began university I've made REAL friends, some I've known since before my stroke and new friends who treat me like anyone else, they all offer to give me a 'helping hand' excuse the pun it definitely wasn't intended..

We meet up, go for lunch and just hang around as normal..

'Liz when you're older you'll be able to count your true friends on one hand'
Everyone ignores this but it's true..

I have a real circle of friends, friends who don't need to drink to have fun..

If you're reading this, thank you for being there every step of the way..

Some statistics

theres always statistics on illnesses; heart attacks, cancer and strokes..

Obviously the range is different depending on age.

I get stares and sometimes really vile looks from people of all ages; in fact the majority of them are older people..

I've started gaining enough confidence to walk upstairs and down in shops, this is something that does take me a while and probably always will. Due to my knee still being weak.

I've been through so many stages in my recovery;
Letting my stroke define me
Revolving my whole life around my stroke
Pushing away the majority of people I knew because all I talked about was myself
Crying and being miserable everyday or time I was actually lucky enough to see people
Going to talks and visiting people to talk about once again, myself..

I've overcome all of those points as when I look back it makes my skin crawl reading how I'd write my 'week walking' and posting videos writing blogs complaining about how my brain has ruined me as a person.
When reading into statistics and life after a stroke I realise there's no statistic on how many peoples recovery is stopped and really affected by confining their lives to their stroke, not moving forward from what's happened and constantly talking about themselves.

I find recovery so stressful I'm sure every stroke survivor does.
But as individuals we should work together to fight the stigma and the hurt that a stroke really leaves behind,
Don't let it become everything or take over your life, you're stronger than that..

Struggles

everyone's  struggled at some point in their lives..

I don't do regular updates on my recovery as I notice them & so do those close to me, I mean the occasional break from the 'me me me' is healthy
(Didn't intend to rhyme)..

Anyway back to me :)

I love shopping! Who doesn't?
I've always worked in retail, literally every job.. I tried and failed at being a waitress
When I had my return to work meeting (years ago, possibly a blog post from 2015)
I was so confused, hurt and vulnerable that I would never last on a shop floor
I always shop for clothes, buying sleeveless tops to show off my arm
'mum: you need vitamin D! Get sun to your arm'  * urgh nagging mum comment*
Now I do..
why be ashamed?
The hanging clothes that are tangled on rails are such a struggle to view!
You find yourself getting angry at a hanger.. (shoutout to every hanger that gets abuse)
I struggle with doing this, but I think for those more capable it's also  hard..
Mum always says I need a shoulder bag, to pack my stuff in, *that's so last year!*
Ive left my bank card, phone and bus pass in random places when trying to get clothes from rails and paying, living with one arm is quite a struggle,
Especially in a shopping environment, you want to rush and spend money you don't have..
It's slower for me..
but like I say slow and steady wins the race
And.. I get new clothes!! :)
Plus mum, I have purchased a shoulder bag you will be delighted to know..

Walking life..

I'm pretty sure babies don't get excited when they learn to walk, they don't keep a diary (I think my mum did..) it's an odd task to learn,

You think of walking as an easy action/movement

Three years after learning I'm still learning..

Along with my side affects from the stroke; fatigue balance coordination and concentration..
Believe it or not walking needs independence and confidence
Especially after a stroke.

You get scared to walk in public incase you get judged on how someone taught you to bend straighten and place your foot..

A foot of mine that still bends in, still has drop foot which from my first blog post I explained was quite slow to recover
I wear an Afo still, one that I probably should get replaced but just like the dirty Nike trainers I learnt to walk in (now in a bin somewhere) I get scared to replace it.. even if it would look nicer (appearance wise)

I'm so fortunate to of been taught in a rehabilitation ward to learn to properly walk..
I say properly but in my eyes a better leg movement as it looks natural and doesn't swing unless I'm tired,

My knee hyperextends still but once you learn to walk that way I suppose learning again isn't on your agenda, I personally can't think of anything worse..

It's a long process and it takes time and energy, even now I question my walk 'gateway' I ask Liam if I walk normal 'do I look funny?' He replies with 'no your walking has improved'

It's got to the point where when we walk sometimes he'll stop and say 'look! We're walking at the same pace!'

*urgh he has to compliment me.*

I watch videos of stroke survivors that walk how I used to.. (I would upload a video but my phone won't let me)
You need 'apps 'for everything now!

It upsets me to this day, watching the encouragement to walk how I did, leg, swing, place and walk..

After all you're walking!!

You assume your Recovery is over.

It's just the start..

"You've had a tough few years haven't you"

I wrote this as I sit on a dull wooden chair coated with a deep blue leather, supposedly to make the patients feel more comfortable, I'm not entirely sure what for and someone needs to tell whoever invented these they're so uncomfortable!

The dark grey floor covered with a freckled type pattern trails along the floor of the  corridor, the typical floor that's in every hospital..
with bins that no one knows how to 'get into' as quoted by a patient who missed the foot peddle that lifts the lid.. (very slowly)

This corridor is full of patients (mostly elderly) waiting to be seen by an eye consultant
You get shivers when you realise you're one of those patients..

Once again another appointment that you'd love to not even have to attend but are reminded to by numerous reminder letters, text messages ( but people still pretend they forgot to attend) and the fact you actually suffer with an illness that needs regular check ups.

Intracranial hypertension
'Benign' apparently, I personally have no idea what it is or if they add the benign to keep you at ease.
*never google your symptoms* but I've googled every illness so many times.
All I remember is lumbar punctures and severe headaches sometimes I still suffer from

Oh and the drops they insist need to be dropped into your eyes, possibly to watch each patient struggle to see anything when leaving the room full of eye charts (the large to minuscule letters)
They use this 'machine' that stabs your eyes to 'check the pressure' just like blood tests 'it won't hurt you won't feel it I promise'

Trust me it's the most uncomfortable thing, I blinked so much that she had to redo it about 7 times, reassuring me that 'the majority of people struggle to have this'
*excuse me? The majority of your patients are elderly..

Just like my stroke.

So stay healthy kids :)

"I'm just going to check your medical records"
*good luck*

I actually said that to her, she giggled but before she realised that there is a long list from 1-7 with my illnesses lined up in black and white print (very boring and standard font) were just written on a piece of paper, the folder full of the appointments I attend. To her 'another patient' to me, a life long struggle.
They wheel this tray up and down the corridor and trust me everyone tries to check if theirs is the biggest (don't deny this, we all do it..)

"Elizabeth Ashmore"..
As they call, oh wait sorry I mean shout my name down this long corridor I stand up and start to walk towards the room. Everyone stares, most patients I think can tell, especially older people..

The eye drops are starting to wear off now..
So excuse any spelling mistakes.

I don't know if I'm alone with this but when the patches cover one eye at a time I get a tingle in my stomach and start to sympathise for people who are completely blind.
(My blogs about honesty so I thought I'd add that)


When I finally see my doctor who's 'running an hour late'  I will actually ask him to tell me what I have..

It's funny, I suffer with these illnesses but never felt comfortable to question what they really are..
no ones honest with their doctor because of what they might respond 'so, yes you have 4 years to  live'

I plan what to say before although it never actually comes out of my mouth, wish me luck, I'm now going to wait another hour..
For a doctor who had to be persistent with his studies but struggles to do so when seeing his patients.