My story of motivation and positivity

the last 'my story' involved a terrifying event that no one would ever imagine to happen to someone 'so young'
An event that I hated for so long and despised my body for, my life's always been a rollercoaster of hospitals and appointments waiting to be told good or bad news..

So here's my new story;
Full of motivation happiness and if I don't say so myself a lot of bloody inspiration,
My chemotherapy is working and uni if going so well;
Can't complain with three B's ( goal complete) to get higher grades than year one, higher than some people who aren't like me..
I live with Liam in a flat and it's getting easier as everyday goes on.
I've been volunteering at the hospital and I'm currently working on a project with my old ward by painting a mural on the wall in their really dull day room..
My walking will always be different to others but I guess that makes me special,
I'm so much more confident and comfortable than I've ever felt in my own body, I just get on with my life and don't let anything set me back..
why should I?


My confidence is sky high and I probably have to much of it

I've never really praised my old friends or ex for leaving my life but here's a huge thank you, for letting me recover and prove everyone wrong.. and be the best version of me.

Like I said on radio 5; life's just a rollercoaster going up...


So that's my new story full of positivity and good grades at uni and confidence
:)
I'm my version of normal

Living with epilepsy..

I live with it everyday and probably will for the rest of my life.
some people scare me when they talk about it openly, because when you have eli;espy you carry the anxiety and worry of ''will I have a seizure?''
The worst part of this worry is wondering that if you did have a seizure, what type would it be?

I suffer with absent seizures and Petit Mal seizures..

I may be seizure free for about 6 months but its still a scary thought.

My stroke caused my epilepsy and I have to deal with that..


The other day someone said they wouldn't know what to do if someone had a seizure, knowing full well i'm epileptic,,
''I'd just poke them and leave them there''

When you have epilepsy you have the fear of trusting people, even if they're really close to you..

for your safety and to check you're okay after..

Studying with a disability

Its a brain injury as well as a physical disability,

I get help when i'm at uni, it's difficult when you used to be so independent and now you're slightly dependent on another person,
have they got all the notes?
did they write it so I can understand it?

I can't understand anything written in paragraphs, unless I write it..
I miss out lines when I read, I loose concentration and struggle to regain it.

My brain wanders off when i'm trying too hard, then my fatigue kicks in,
leaving me confused, unmotivated and angry.

I can feel my brain working hard when I start getting on with my work, it's an odd feeling,
it's a light throbbing feeling on the corner of my brain (right side)

When I come up with my own ideas or understand something,
I get a sensitive throb (just like the feeling after someones scratched an itch).

studying with a brain injury is difficult but the feeling I get in my brain is the best feeling, knowing it's recovering and i'm be getting better

Speech and Language Progress..

I've been having speech and language for about 3/4 months,
When I first suffered my stroke I had something called;
Dysphasia.

Basically I would struggle to understand emotions and mislead what people say to me:

• If someone nudged me in the street, i'd swear at them or get really aggressive (even though it was probably my fault) 
• If someone text me without an 'x' I would assume they were angry with me.
• If someone told me joke I wouldn't understand but i'd laugh so much that i'd look strange and rude ( i'd watch other people laugh and laugh because they were) 
• I struggle to understand sarcasm, humour and emotion.

My speech and language therapist reads statements to me ( mini stories, small paragraphs) 

Then she asks me questions, to see if I was concentrating and remember the \important' details.

This is because I can't 'read between the lines' I miss out details from; stories, lectures and essays.. 

My concentration is really bad and I 'wander off'. 

This is where my learning support assistant helps ( she writes notes for me during lectures and bullet-points the important bit so it's easier for me to understand.

The filter in my brain is coming back, meaning i'm slowly gaining;

• my memory
• cognitive skills
• my language
• my emotions 
• and i'm more socially aware of how to speak in a conversation.

My recovery is continuing and i'm improving..

slow and steady wins the race..

Walking life

I haven't written much about my walking because it's so natural to me now that I forget it was a struggle at first, don't get me wrong it still is..
Infact it's a bloody pain!
But I keep telling myself I've come so far,

I walk from the bus station to uni and around uni, my leg still 'hyper extends' but I'm used to it, I still wear the same afo, which Liam keeps having to fix because it's so old
(I know mum, you want me to get rid of it..)

It holds my ankle up as I've  still got drop foot..

It hides well (under leggings jeans and tights)
"I didn't even notice it!"
*another person 🙄*

"You can't even tell you've had a stroke, I just thought you'd broken your arm"

My leg swings when I get tired.. on the way to uni as I cross some traffic lights I get a glimpse of how I walk in the premier inn's windows.
I do praise myself when I walk towards it either about my weight loss or walking

Where I've been so busy with uni I haven't gone to the gym and I can notice how my knee is still weak,

I love walking and the benefits of getting around properly :)

"Everyone's feeling the same, don't worry.."

public speaking in front of a class full of students and tutors assessing you is different to talking to newspapers and in churches publicly,
I'd keep running through the double sided sheet of paper seeing if I could remember the words I had to read out,
"Are you okay? Do you need any help?
"No thank you I'm fine I'm working on being independent"
..
The speech starts, I held the paper in front of me and read loudly and clearly enough for people to hear,
The speech finished
"wow, well I'm not sure what to ask about"
Said my head tutor whom has seen me from the first day I asked to return to uni.

I still have learning support when I'm in lectures although I've come home so many times saying "I don't think I need them"
Mainly because sometimes it's nice to put your headphones in and get in with the work alone..

My memory is coming back I remember so much more, my fatigue has improved so much too,

It's sometimes hard to think quick enough to finish full scentences, I get so frustrated with if I feel like I'm behind.

I used to be the one saying "I'll start that next week" then before the deadline get so stressed that I hadn't done it.

I made goals for this second year and I feel like I'm achieving them
I'm not the lazy me anymore.. "I'm so tired my fatigue is so bad"

I'm the early one.

'thats life'

You see these articles about peoples amazing recovery and how they only spent two nights in hospital, us as stroke survivors class them as the 'lucky ones' who got out alive..

So here's a real stroke survivors story written by their own views and not by some journalist;
It's not all happiness and with a  quick recovery

Those not so lucky are left with a brain scan demonstrating how no one could of prevented what's happened, their left confused hurt bruised and stuck in this 'new body'
It takes days months and years to recover what I class as 'the main recovery'
Gaining your confidence and independence,
What's a life without the confidence to leave the house?
What's a life without independence to hold your head higher than you've ever held it?
showing that you're no where near as weak as people assume you are,

Everyday a stroke survivors brain is recovering, something as little as; smiling equally both sides, standing up without stumbling, walking to the kitchen without getting breathless, completeing a whole day without drifting off to sleep in the one part of a day they'll get a minute to themselves without the; questions, conversations and stares from those who can't accept you for who you have become.
Because that's the reality of life after a stroke, no one you had before will understand.
They'll always be confused of how to approach you, you're not the same person you once were,
You knew you were ill but held your head high and waited..

After a stroke it's difficult, difficult to face the public, you blame yourself for everything you may of done wrong,
"They looked at me funny"
* they hate me, do I look funny?*
We take those thoughts to bed every night because every stare we get can hurt.
However deep down in the disconnected nerves hidden under our skull we know it's just our brain injury, and 'that's life'

Life at first is full of comparing yourself to other people that for some reason you despise
But for what?
For living their life how you wish you could?
Forgetting the times you told people life was to short to walk around like you're taking advantage of the benefits of having a 'normal' life..

Sometimes asking "how does it feel?"
Upsetting and blaming the people that do support you,
Because truth is you just want a 'normal' life,
Stroke survivors slowly realise that there is no normal, nothing's perfect.
And 'that's life'

So that's my version of life after a stroke without the swear words I once used and without wishing I was normal
Because I'm back.
I live with a disability but I'm me.
It's up to you to accept that and if you can't then I'm fine with that.