A different kind of nightlife

I had the best surprise from my bestest friends on saturday,  I waited anxiously on my sofa to be picked up, not knowing where I was going or what I was doing, Georgia Chloe and Jessie came down my road. My heart racing, I walked over to the car, Georgia handed me a massive badge and birthday card.. As I opened the card, a piece of paper flew out;
''To Lizzie happy early birthday, You are getting your make-up done at MAC at 2pm''

followed by messages from everyone about how brave i've been and how today was ''my day'' and about how proud they all are of me..  I looked at Georgia and burst into tears..
''I've never had my make-up done before''

Georgia looked at me and just giggled ''Yeah I saw you'd done your make-up so nice today and now their gonna take it all of you and start again...


As I walked through town with this huge ''21 badge on'' People were staring and probably wondering why I looked so confused.. I didn't know what expression to make..

As we got to MAC my hands started shaking and the girls instantly knew who I was, so I sat on one of the chairs right near the door. Angela I think her name was came over and we decided what I was going to have done, I chose ''smokey eye'' as most people probably do, `she wiped off my make-up, I had a bare face and everyone coming in the door was bloody exposed to see the 'real me' That was scary, as she started on the eyes, the girls all left me to 'carry on'
After about probably half an hour,  I was finished and the girls came with me to buy the lipgloss she'd used on me,  I sat on the stool near mac waiting for Chantelle to buy some make-up, The girls came over to me and gave me my second surprise;
''Your getting your hair curled at Therapy ( where I get my hair done)"
I was so excited because I used to curl my hair all the time and its so hard with one arm.

We walked to therapy and Kirsty curled my hair for me, adding loads of hairspray so it stayed..

I then got the bus home and got changed. For the first time in 7 months I felt normal and exactly like I would of before. I couldn't cry because my make-up would smudge.

Lizzy picked me up an we drove to near Zizzi's and went there for my birthday meal, The girls had wine and  Georgia let me pinch some of hers, i'm not even going to lie, I was pissed after about 4 sips.


We all paid and tried to plan what we were gonna do for the rest of the evening, I chose the ballroom as we would go their before, I saw the stairs as we got it and my heart just rushed, but I managed it, walking up and having people stare was hard but shit happens, you've gotta do what you've gotta do..

I saw so many people I hadn't seen in so long, that was the best part, I sat down because I can't stand for too long. Some guy saw my badge and instantly bought me a shot, I have no idea why but I whispered into his ear ''Do you think I look weird because I can't use my arm?'' He just looked at me and went ''no course not, you nutter!'' I had the biggest grin, He obviously asked why, when I said I had a stroke he just looked at me blankly and said he didn't believe me, So I told him to ''feel my leg'' ( Feel my splint) His face was literally stunned. ''But.. you don't look like you've had a stroke'' again I smiled. I was sitting down surrounded by everything I used to be, high heels dresses and dancing away, sipping on a drink and hardly standing straight, that was the hardest part for me..
It's all been taken away in the space of one night. and was all out of my control. I'll never get that back, I'll never be strong enough for my legs to hold me, `We all had a group photo, As I stood up, the guy grabbed me my leg does this shaky thing called 'clonus' where all the nerves are reacting, I just put weight on it and it stops, I was so embarressed, I instantly sat down after the photos,

I wanted to go to the cuban, but the others didnt, luckily I saw some old mates from school, Georgina and Lauren and they took me to the cuban. we paid £5 for que jump, because we explained I couldn't stand for too long because of my stroke and the que was literally down to pizza hut. We sat down again and met some people who we spent most of the night talking to, I finally felt ''normal'' I couldn't stop smiling, I held my head high and kept walking around just chatting to people.

We eventually left the cuban and wandered to alberrys, again seeing loads of people we knew. I was so happy and never wanted the night to end, like its possibly the best night u've ever had out in Canterbury.
 It got to about 2am and I started to get tired, So Lauren's boyfriend gave me a lift home.

Honestly trying to talk to my step dad and his mate was an actual fail,  So I went to bed, I was far to drunk to get undressed so I slept in all my clothes ( Classy)

I was still drunk the next morning but i'm still alive and here! sorry to all those who find me extremely annoying ;)

I'll have to admit it was different but such a good experience, this time 4 months ago I was bed bound and never thought i'd come this far. So it's definitely boosted my confidence.

i'm not rude, I promise

I can't sit and  listen to loads of people talk at the same time, I can't walk and talk, It tires me out far to much.. I try, I try to be like the rest of you, I try to not ''snap'' when someone asks me a question, but I can't help it. I can't train my brain to relax and remember people just want to;
''know how I am''

If I get excited, it tires me out, If I cry, theres a very high chance i'll be exhausted straight after.
My brains so affected from the stroke that it's impossible to hold a conversation sometimes.

I don't want to scare people away, sometimes I feel I do, i've been told I push people away from just getting angry at how they react towards me, I just want to be treated how I would of had this of never happened. I try so hard to move on and get over the fatigue, but some days it literally feels impossible. I try and pull myself together and get on with whatever I need to do..

out with the old, in with the new

Okay so, Imagine all your clothes shoes and bags being laid out on your bed. All the memories; memories you have of stumbling home, walking to uni, going to work, the top/jumper you bought yourself that you'd wanted for so long and had saved up so long for, the heels you knew you wouldn't be able to walk in but thought.. ''ahh i'll give it a go''. The shorts that never really covered your bum but you wanted to look nice and show off. The dresses you'd wear clubbing, that were tight enough to see through and tightly hold your bum in, and the photos you'd face sideways for just to be able to show how tight it really was, and how ''slim you felt when you wore it''  The jumper your friends would look at you and be like ''you look nice liz! I love your jumper, where did you get it?''

Well tonight I did exactly that, Mum held up the  dress I wore the last time I went clubbing, or ''out'' I held it in but just wanted to cry, stumble onto my knees and hit the floor screaming ''I want my life back, I want to be normal like my friends, why me?'' But instead she recognised the face I pulled and just went ''ahh bin?'' All I could reply was ''I've only worn it once..''
I gritted my teeth as all these clothes were being held up, some still had labels on.. Some i'd only worn once, Some didn't even fit me, And when I tried them on I knew but just wanted to be in with the fashion..

Remember the crop top fashion. when everyone was buying strange crop tops that never really covered their boobs and even if they shouldn't of been wearing a crop top, they let it all hang out.. A few of those came out, obviously I said ''bin''


Okay so I now have 6 massive bin bags full of clothes i've binned...

Money i'll never get back, clothes that someones slaved over making and money I'd worked hard to earn to waste on these clothes and shoes.

My mum held up the pajama top I was wearing when I had my stroke, i literally got shivers run down my spine, I don't know what it is but theres something about it that is just a no go.. ''BIN'' I shouted dominantly. Then the flash backs came, The flash backs of being completely paralysed and dragging my body to my stairs so the ambulance could ''find me'' My mums face as she glared at me confused and unaware of what to do, I mean what would you do? The moment when the lady paramedic stroked my face and was like ''oh love'' as I weaped just laying flat on my back. After they done the f.a.s.t test on me.



I'm going out for a surprise meal and then for drinks in Canterbury saturday night, So I wanted to wear something nice.. I'd got it planned in my head but I have to wear a leg splint that is huge and plastic, So I have to wear tights, I know people will stare but they can jog on.

I asked my mum to help me put on my tights;
'' it wont cover your splint completely liz you will still see it''

I just sighed, '' yes I know mum, I just want to be normal, I just want to look like everyone else''

She stroked my back and hugged me, '' I know you do love, but for the time being your different to them''

''I burst into tears, I know I am, I have constant reminders of it, I just miss it, I miss the text conversations about what we'd all be wearing to go out in, then when we'd be getting ready there was always one that had the nicer outfit, the one that stood out and you wanted to just be like that. You envied one of your best friends because they looked nicer than you.


So anyway, I slipped into my tights and skirt that still fits me thank god!!  And to make life feel even better I managed to get my russell and bromley's on, I looked up at my mum and just burst into tears.
'' look mum! I'm wearing them, I feel normal again, I look nice!!!''
She asked me to walk in them to check I could.. I took two steps and cried even more, She stood up and hugged me, So tight that it clicked my back..

I just weaped in her arms, more than the day I found out I might never be the same, more than the day she told me her and my dad were splitting up.
''it wont always be this way liz.. you do know that don't you'' 

She grabbed my cheeks and wiped away my tears..

''Yeah but what if it is, what if people laugh, what if i'll never get my life back''

''Just look at how far you've come already liz, it's only early days...''


There is no stronger bond than the love between a mother and a daughter, hopefully one day i'll experience this.


Words can't describe the feeling of having lost something so major and having to adjust to it, having to adapt your whole life, wardrobe, social life, personal life, fashion sense, practicality... 

So live every minute as if it were your last, because you never know whats round the corner..

The struggle

You constantly try to please everyone, thinking about them over yourself, wondering if what you say is the right thing and if how you act is the right way..

I'm underwater, trapped and confused, recently i've had loads of cognitive tests to see how my brains actually affected, and it's becoming reality that this strokes killed or 'burnt' as you'd assume from the adverts basically the majority of the right side of my brain.
Today I got confused with trying to describe someones emotion when they were just being sarcastic

Would you trust your head over your heart if your head or brain had let you down as much as mine has. What would you do?

Its a constant battle between thinking my brains ready to go back to uni and work, some days i'll just sit there and as long as i'm listening to music I honestly couldn't be happier. I'll stare at my hand thinking ''just move already! i'm ready. i'm ready to go and work i'm ready to sit in uni and just moan about how much i'd rather be sleeping.

Just so you know, no one makes a full recovery from a stroke and I was having mini strokes for about 2/3 months before my actual one, So i'm probably less likely to ''fully recover'' `Don't message me saying stuff like ''oh I think you'll get it all back'' because right now it doesn't feel like it. And it gets my hopes up. But thank you for your strange way of giving me sympathy, but i'd rather you just give me your arm\hand or brain.

Illnesses

I get so ashamed of how many illnesses I actually have because I don't want people to think it defines me as being different to anyone else, So here goes....

Nephrotic Syndrome:
My kidneys haven't filtered properly since I was 15 months old, luckily steroids work on me and help boost my immune system if I relapse.. I've had this since I was 15 months old, I know when i've relapsed because I get swollen ankles or face.

Benign Intracranial hypertension:
Well where do I start, basically I have too much pressure in my brain ( caused by being on the pill and eating to unhealthy) i've had this since 2010 and I should have lumbar punctures to release the pressure from my brain. Or be on a diretic which just makes you wee loads.

Epilepsy:
Diagnosed after my stroke, even though i've been having sezuires since 2010. I am completely unconcious when I have them, and don't recall what happens afterwards.

Stroke:
haha well, everyones aware of the damage this bad boys done.


So don't treat me any different, i'm still human, I can still do the same things as everyone else I just need to be more careful.

I still have feelings..

It hurts when you get stared at by a stranger, sometimes I wish I had a sign over my head that just states whats happened and what i've been through..

It's shit when you feel like your finally getting somewhere and you get knocked down by someone who probably couldn't deal with any of it.

Yeah laugh at me all you like, stare and point. push past me when you get fed up that I can't walk as fast as you or any other young adult.
see if I give a shit.
I've been through much worse and anything you do can't hurt or scar me as much as my stroke has.

Everyones different, i'd rather be different than like everyone who's just being fake.

It hurts, It's horrible and you've knocked my confidence,

My arm might stick out if I don't hold it, My leg might shake at random times and my face might not be symmetrical. But laughing at those who are less fortunate, that makes you more of an embarresment than what you think I look..


You've made me feel low, from feeling on top of the world. And you've stopped me feeling confident enough to get on a train for the time i'm like this, so well done, I hope you're at home with karma slapping you in the face and laughing at you.

It's taken me probably a lifetime to get where I am now, it's so hard and sometimes I get frustrated when people treat me like shit.

I watch other people walk fast and wish it was me..

I sat next to an old lady who was moaning about having a bruise on her arm. that hurt. probably more than when I woke up and found out i'd had a stroke. Oh love, your arm still works..
I'd break my macbook or phone just to get my arm and hand back.


My little sister went to grab my left hand tonight, I tried with everything in my brain to try and grab her hand, just to feel someones touch, someone as sweet and innocent as her, She looked up at me and just said ''Lizzie'' with the most confused face, I just wanted to hug her and cry in her arms, hoping it'd all be a dream, hoping i'd just start using my arm again.

cognitive tests

Okay so yeah I knew I went to a shit school, but blimey it shows, You only pay interest in stuff you're interested in.. I only liked ART and music (mainly cause I could mess around) anyone that went to Chaucer knew those were the doss lessons..
So because obviously my brains affected from the stroke I have to do cognitive tests to see when I can go back to uni, I can't wait for the day that my psycologist tells me i'm ready. Even though I can only use one arm/hand I miss feeling 'normal' and being around social people.
these tests are so odd, like I don't have to do exams to study my course ( Graphic Design) luckily because i'm so bad at exams.. But these tests are literally horrific.
I mean, first I had to wake up at 9am to actually take them, and second I can only describe them as being exactly like a theory test ( long and boring)


I  knew my concentration wasn't good and i've never had a good memory but wow what a way to make me feel crap about it..

When I see people moan about going to work or even uni I get so frustrated, when it's taken away from you you crave it back.. And thats all I want. I want a ''return to uni meeting'' and to just go back

Or for my hand to start working and just go back to work..


So long live the day I can walk through UCA's doors and i'll have the biggest smile on my face.

life as it stands

So you think everything's perfect, then something happens, something that changes everything, and when theres nothing you can do about it... what do you do?

I've learnt to just man up and get on with whatever life throws at me, its so hard. Sometimes i'll throw a fake smile but you don't want to show anyone your weak side when you've shown them you're strong..

Life's so hard, I thought I had the perfect job,was studying the  perfect degree and thought everything was ''going your way'' as you'd say if you were having a good day. Now thats rare, very rare

I've only just started cooking for myself because it used to tire me out so much, i've only just overcome my anxiety, the anxiety that if people knew me properly before the stroke would know was destroying my life.

''So... what are they saying, a full recovery?''
No fucking idea, no one makes a full recovery from a stroke, that'd be the day..

Honestly, don't tell me you understand the ups and downs I go through everyday, because you really don't. i'm trapped. under water, thats the best way to describe it. without making myself sound like i'm living a lie.

I miss running up the stairs, I miss clubbing, I miss smiling and meaning it, I look back at all the old photos before my stroke and just think;
'' my god, you did take it for granted, look at you now, you'd hit yourself and laugh if you fell down thinking your life was crap.. the worst is yet to come love''


I need constant support, I need constant help, I need  reminders of how far i've come. And I don't think that'll ever change.


How sad is it, that I smile when I walk to the bus stop, I mean come on. People do that on a daily basis.


''You'll get there''

Get where? A happy place? A place where I can feel my left side, A place where life has no strings attached? A place where I can go to work again? A place where no one looks at you for walking 'different?


''You're an inspiration''

I'm not. I'm so lazy it's unreal, I haven't done my bed exercises in 6 months, It takes me hours to actually get out of bed, I'm not even half way through my recovery, I'm not strong enough to deal with forgetting something and not cry. I treat my mum like actual shit, I say what I feel which my step dad hates..



''Now, take three deep breaths and leave''
I do this every time before I leave the house, I hold my head high and walk up my road thinking ''you're walking, you're doing this. Only you can make it happen''