life as it stands

So you think everything's perfect, then something happens, something that changes everything, and when theres nothing you can do about it... what do you do?

I've learnt to just man up and get on with whatever life throws at me, its so hard. Sometimes i'll throw a fake smile but you don't want to show anyone your weak side when you've shown them you're strong..

Life's so hard, I thought I had the perfect job,was studying the  perfect degree and thought everything was ''going your way'' as you'd say if you were having a good day. Now thats rare, very rare

I've only just started cooking for myself because it used to tire me out so much, i've only just overcome my anxiety, the anxiety that if people knew me properly before the stroke would know was destroying my life.

''So... what are they saying, a full recovery?''
No fucking idea, no one makes a full recovery from a stroke, that'd be the day..

Honestly, don't tell me you understand the ups and downs I go through everyday, because you really don't. i'm trapped. under water, thats the best way to describe it. without making myself sound like i'm living a lie.

I miss running up the stairs, I miss clubbing, I miss smiling and meaning it, I look back at all the old photos before my stroke and just think;
'' my god, you did take it for granted, look at you now, you'd hit yourself and laugh if you fell down thinking your life was crap.. the worst is yet to come love''


I need constant support, I need constant help, I need  reminders of how far i've come. And I don't think that'll ever change.


How sad is it, that I smile when I walk to the bus stop, I mean come on. People do that on a daily basis.


''You'll get there''

Get where? A happy place? A place where I can feel my left side, A place where life has no strings attached? A place where I can go to work again? A place where no one looks at you for walking 'different?


''You're an inspiration''

I'm not. I'm so lazy it's unreal, I haven't done my bed exercises in 6 months, It takes me hours to actually get out of bed, I'm not even half way through my recovery, I'm not strong enough to deal with forgetting something and not cry. I treat my mum like actual shit, I say what I feel which my step dad hates..



''Now, take three deep breaths and leave''
I do this every time before I leave the house, I hold my head high and walk up my road thinking ''you're walking, you're doing this. Only you can make it happen''