My stroke of happiness and creativity

I can see bright colours again
I can think/ imagine a better future
I can remember more things now

My stroke of happiness and creativity..

My brains adapting to a positive style
Maybe that’s a bad thing?
But maybe it’s a good thing because

It’s
My stroke of happiness and creativity..

You might think I’m insane
You might think I’m crazy

But the thing is;
I’m different
I see things in a different way
But that’s okay because I’m different to you.

Remember the days where I’d walk with my head facing the floor? Holding my arm so tight that my vulnerability was shining right through me..

My stroke of happiness and creativity..

I can walk
And I can do stuff in different ways, some that you may think look funny

You may laugh and you may stare

But I honestly don’t care.

My stroke of happiness and creativity..

Life after a stroke, I’m still young

I woke up with a disability
Unknown to why and how I’d cope

Life after a stroke..

Worried about the way I walk everyday and anxious to try things I used to do everyday

Life after a stroke..

I’ll always reflect so don’t judge me for that.

Life after a stroke..

I’m still young, worrying about my future but coping the best way I can

Dealing with a life that I can’t change.

Life after a stroke..

Uncontrollable laughing fits where people don’t understand why I can’t stop
Taking out my anger on those who care the most, but knowing it’s not fair

Life after a stroke..

Anxious of everyday that’s coming incase something bad happens

But remembering that’s just my brain injury

And that’s life after a stroke..

I’m still young

Recovery..

You get the 6/12 week physiotherapy
Perhaps a few sheets of exercises that are photocopied and you can’t actually do..

Recovery from a stroke is draining
the affects from training your brain are tiring because everything you're doing is connecting new pathways but reconnecting the old ones
*if that makes sense*...
They'll always stay damaged (I like to assume and picture them as if they are really squishy)..

recovery..

I never write or talk about recovery because recovery is something I assume you just notice; through my blogs, my personality and to those who know me; my appearance.

recovery..

from a stroke its all about the paralysis if you're unfortunate enough to go through the experience of paralysis.. my stroke affected my whole left side..

I constantly smile at myself through my selfie screen on my phone to check if my droop has improved (massive problem at first)..
I constantly try to move my hand to open it because the tone is really tight
I struggle to bend my knee as its really weak but thats always been a problem
I am still slow on my feet because I have quite poor balance

recovery..

no one asks how recovery is going, because once you're out of hospital and 'walking' they assume  you're 'back to normal' but you're not.

you're still struggling

with no physiotherapy and no occupational therapy..

Just you
and your
But I am recovering fine, thanks for never asking :)
recovery..

Why I blog..

I blog obviously as you can read at the top of this blog my illnesses and stroke bla bla (booring) BUT I’m 24 now and blogger won’t change my bio :(

But because I feel it’s giving me confidence and independence to hold my head high and fight everything I am currently going through and living with; I deal with different obstacles everyday, each one challenges me in various ways

Why I blog.

You can view my progress from start to now, as I continue to show you and travel through my recovery, oh my very fun recovery..

Why I blog.

I find it therapeutic, I remember reading my mums blogs when she had cancer and how she could just vent her feelings through writing, she helped me start this blog..
it took a while to physically get this blog started because of my fatigue and motivation being so bad

Why I blog..

I find it interesting and positive to raise awareness in what I’ve been through and I hope to prevent it happening to others..


Why I blog :)

What is normal?

“Striving to preserve identity”
The other day I had an interview with radio one and they asked
“So, are you back to 100% normality?”..


What is normal?
Why do we try so hard to be normal?

As stroke ‘survivors’ our brain is damaged; everyone’s is damaged in  different ways and places to the point where they  can’t process their feelings  or emotions and they will aim to be someone they are never going to be..
Again..

Is that a good thing?

For me?
Yes.

I never accepted this, I tried SO. Hard to be ‘normal’

What is this normal that we assume is so normal?

I had people breathing down my neck telling me I wasn’t ‘walking properly’ I ‘wasnt like I was before’  people that I thought loved me and assumed always would. But we’re only there to damage me even more than before..

We are damaging our brains (even those who haven’t suffered brain injuries trying to be this version of ‘normal’) because

What the f*ck is normal?..

Who is judging us?

Who are we letting define us?..

Don’t worry..

I’ve given up trying to explain the things I struggle with due to my illnesses (to other people) In person..

It’s such a drain, they’ll never understand

It’s about training MY brain to understand,

Don’t worry..

It’s such a struggle to come to terms with why people don’t understand my thoughts and feelings;
Why don’t they see the world the same?!
Why am I so different?
Is there something wrong with me?

Don’t worry..

They’ll never realise the anxiety of my struggles and it really upsets me, the days where my brain has no filter but they don’t seem to understand when I apologise.

Don’t worry..

My recovery will continue and my goals will forever change
My brain will aim to rewire everyday
But you will never understand

Don’t worry..

A brain with no filter..

but a bloody lot of motivation!
If I don’t say so myself..


There we go and I couldn’t f*cking stop it ;)

A brain with no filter..

It just comes out, it’s uncontrollable

I always watch Gordon Ramsey and ask myself ‘does he NEED to swear in every sentence?!’
Like is it necessary?

Then I realise SHIT I do that..

Sometimes :)

A brain with no filter..

Speech and language tried to rewire it, and I don’t know how it’ll ever change because swearing is something that’s just ‘common now’ but I also just ‘say what’s on my mind’..

But this time it’s not to twitter or Facebook it’s within a conversation..
People don’t understand it though, I’ll giggle because I’ll realise but they’ll just look shocked..

Because it’s that outrageous.
I mean, those who genuinely have no time (read my old blog posts. And you’ll notice the change)
I don’t because I cringe..

I mean
FUCK..

A brain with no filter..

But in the progress of training *for a marathon* ;)

It’s a little bit funny

‘That feeling inside’

*Brain fog*

Those who have brain injuries really struggle with this, because just like accepting they have a brain injury (hidden disability) that will never disappear, no one believes or understands when we ‘explain’;

Close your eyes, shut them really tight and then open them really quickly, this is how I view the world (since my stroke) this is MY brain fog..

Brain fog..

You think you remember what you were doing but the swishing sound repeatedly going on inside your head and  in your ears is putting you off remembering what you needed to remember (damn)

Brain fog..

Sit down, stand up, sit down, stand up..
Yes you feel dizzy, so do ‘we’ every bloody day! We wake up after a ‘nice nap’ but nope still dizzy..
Your dizziness probably leaves you within seconds of the first steps you take..
Mine definitely stays with me.

*is it a bird is it a plane?!* nope it’s
Brain fog..

It’s like a sheet of transparent light covering your eyes, worse when you’re outside, you assume you’re going blind or you’re mentally insane..

Brain fog..

That fuzzy feeling that is in control of your brain after a brain injury.

Sometimes..

I don’t know why
And I don’t know how

And some might think ‘oh but surely that’s a good thing?!’

But it’s not..

Sometimes I forget..

I’ll turn around to quickly forgetting my balance isn’t as good as before and nearly fall
I’ll take a step in the shower and forget that the slip matt is genuinely saving my life

Sometimes I forget..

I’ll walk really fast and either trip or fall
I’ll plan to do things after a busy day and forget about being exhausted

Sometimes I forget..

The medication box is empty because I’d of forgotten that I need to take medication for numerous illnesses..

Sometimes I forget and you’re probably thinking it’s a good thing
A good thing I’m forgetting about my disability

But it’s not, it’s dangerous

Because I shouldn’t forget


But it’s my brain injury

Messing with my mind and testing me, again.

Drop foot

You’re the reason I wear a  support around my ankle which makes people stare
You’re the reason I walk slower without the support, so I don’t fall

Drop foot..

No one knows I have you because I hide you quite well..
You’re difficult to ‘train’ because you’re such a complex part of my brain (like my hand)

Drop foot..

You’re the reason I fall sideways instead of straight in front of myself
You’re the reason I have scars on my leg due to my splint cutting my ankle and shin from the early days of trying to tighten you so much

I assumed that if I pulled the straps that assisted my ankle would bring my ankle back

People stare, they’ll look down then look up because they notice that I’ve noticed them looking..
That’s a confidence knock

Drop foot..

Fatigue

Everyone gets tired
But fatigue is different and unless you ‘suffer’ with fatigue you will never ever understand,

Understand;

The days where you’d wake up from the ‘recommended 8/9 hours of sleep’ but still be exhausted
The naps you wake up from but feel so drained you just fall back into a ‘deep nap’
The nights where you try to socialise and watching other people to try and see how they don’t get tired

‘To be *normal*
Wait..

What is normal?..

You feel ashamed to tell people you’re tired because you don’t want to let them down
They’ll never understand your brain is re-wiring


Every step I take
Every time I speak
Every time I think
Every move I make
*no I’m not attempting to sing..*

Fatigue..

I call it
Fucking annoying tiredness I get unexpectedly everyday
LOL :)

Fatigue..

YOUNG and disabled.

what is your definition of disabled?

no seriously?..


This is due to recently being asked to move out of a chair because I 'wasn't press' by Tracey Emin's brother..
Before this I was given looks by older people throughout the speech as I was sitting down, I wasn't able to stand because I was really tired ( Fatigue).
and this made me feel really uncomfortable..


"Why are you sitting there!?!?"
"She's disabled she can't stand"


I don't have a walking stick -  anymore
I am no longer in a wheelchair
I am no longer being assisted by someone when I'm 'out and about'

but I am disabled..

I cannot use my arm
my balance is awful
my brain is damaged
I suffer from epilepsy
I wear a splint that helps me to walk

I am disabled..

If I was older, would you stop me to ask 'if I needed that seat?' if I 'needed to use the lift?'

because thats what happens..
Its uncomfortable, not only living with a disability but being discriminated against
because of my age.

Younger people can be disabled.

I count myself as 'lucky' because I could and was much worse than I am now..

I cannot confront you to argue my 'case' why should I have to?
why should I embarrass myself by explaining my 'story' to you, just to make myself happy and be able to sit down..

I am disabled..

A dark cloud watching over you.

I’ve written recently on anxiety but recently thought I should explain in depth exactly how it feels because it’s only explained as;
‘A worry or fear, such as a fast heart rate’

But, reality is it’s so much more than that...


Anxiety is..

The dark cloud that follows over you everywhere you are and go, you know it’s there but you can’t physically see it which is probably why people assume you are ‘just wanting attention’
It’s the sudden shock of panic you get everytime you feel something touch you, or someone walk near/past you
It’s the loss of breath you suffer from when you re about to do something you’ve never done before
It’s the upset that you show on your face along with the bags under your eyes from the lack of sleep that anxiety is causing you..

Anxiety is something you try to forget about because that’s the only way people try to help
“Just don’t think about it, you’ll be fine!”

And the reality is, deep down you know you will and are

But;
anxiety stops you believing in yourself..

noticing

It might just be me and it may just be my brain injury..

But I notice a difference
we are the same
we are just connected differently (not slightly, quite a lot)

I notice the difference in myself depending on who I'm with, when;
we talk
we walk
we react and our emotions are different..

But we are the same
slightly :)

I can't read small print so when handed books or told to 'read descriptive things' I won't understand and will avoid it completely.

not because I don't want to try but because to scares me

it scares me to realise you can understand but I can't.

But we are the same

I dont understand your jokes or your sarcasm or how you try to describe something (usually the joke you've just tried to tell me) and I'm sorry for that

But we are the same

When I say the same I mean in a way thats the fact that we are both human
I just live with a brain injury..
which I'll admit I need to accept.
slightly ;) 


''does that make sense?''..

I’m not rude I promise..

Sometimes I don’t ask you if you’re okay because I can’t process the question to respond
“You alright?!”you might not get a reply but possibly a smile as I am aware of how it may ‘come across’..

But I'm not rude I promise
It’s my brain and it’s how it’s damaged..

Sometimes I frown at you because I’m struggling to understand;
Where I am
What I’m doing and who you are..

But I’m not rude I promise

I assume you’re going to let me down, whoever you are because I’m not used to trust,
I can’t trust you, people have let me down since my stroke that I can’t trust, unless you ‘let me in’ to understand and get to know you..
(Liam and my family)

Would you trust people?

My brain doesn’t understand itself;
Why am I like this after all this time?
What’s going to happen next?
Why can’t I understand after all this time?

Who am I....
regardless of my name I’m still learning who I am as a person.

But I’m not rude I promise

‘Was that a joke?!’ I don’t understand when you’re joking or if you’re being sarcastic, so please just don’t (because I don’t understand you)

But I’m not rude I promise...

Just a doctor..

This is a blog post explaining how I feel after every doctors appointment or ‘consultant’

To you it’s a job you see hundreds of people a year, probably a month..

But you don’t and never will understand the struggle;

Yes I’ll take the medication you’ve just written on a green slip to ‘pick up from the local pharmacy’
But don’t tell me the side affects and expect me to be ‘excited it’s going to possibly help’

You just sit in a chair waiting for the next patient


The anxiety rushes through me as I sit there waiting for you to explain and write on a piece of paper, to be throw into a cabinet of paperwork no one reads..

‘Oh let me check your notes quickly’..


You don’t see the bad days, the days where everything is a blur but I need to carry on, not for me but everyone else..
Why?
Because otherwise I’m a failure.

STROKE RECOVERERS NOT SURVIVORS..

Okay so I watched the programme about Barbie on channel 4 and ‘perception’ is currently my NEW favourite word :)

Sometimes I get the occasional
“I don’t know how you do it?”

I’ve never really understood what ‘it’ is..

It as in stroke ‘recoverers’.. this is a better way of saying and explaining who we are,
Because it’s what we do.. ‘we’ as in the classed as, ‘stroke survivors’

I remember there was an article written about me, they headlined it as
‘Stroke victim Elizabeth Ashmore tells of her fight for survival’
I’m sorry WHAT? Survival?..
the perception of people whom have suffered strokes;
TIA’S
‘Major strokes’
And if there are any more types of stroke..

No one sees our bad days
The days at the start where;

We compare ourselves to others recovering
We’re TOLD how we may recover and our brains will ‘re-wire
We ALL loose something and someone (friends and unfortunately for some partners)
We’re so vulnerable that we will believe and fall for anything anyone says to us
We will blame ourselves for suffering the stroke


And then obviously there is how we are affected..

Some can’t even speak- known as ‘aphasia’

Unable to ‘speak out’ to put it bluntly
Tell everyone to
‘Fuck off’

Vulnerability is a HUGE problem as stroke recovers to recover, its so difficult to realise that you are infact more vulnerable than a child..

The perception *there the word is again!!* of stroke ‘survivors’ as SOME idiots say..
Will NEVER be changed and I think as a personal opinion it slows our recovery down, you are stopping us from;

Believing in ourselves
Recovering at our own speed
To start LOOKING FORWARDS not back..
(These stroke survivor Facebook groups really don’t help)
Trying to be ‘normal’

THERE IS NO NORMAL!

Leave the past in the past and just be who you are..

Inside MY skull..

I  write the titles of my posts in capitals because I want you to think;
COR BLIMEY THATS IMPORTANT
This blog is MY recovery and how I cope..
I talk about ‘other stroke survivors’ And aim to almost explain and help them to cope with their brain injuries..

How do I explain MY disability?
My brain injury, it’s so hard to explain and to be honest I shouldn’t have too.. but the reality of life is that no one really knows the ‘symptoms of stroke’ you watch the FAST advert and yes it is ‘helpful’ for the outside views..


Inside the skull
The brain is slowly ‘dying’ slowly struggling to cope with the disaster that yes is happening on the outside..

I’ve recently been talking about MY epilepsy as that’s part of my brain injury, it’s a massive struggle, I have to explain to; friends, tutors, my family and everyone how to ‘deal with me’ and what actually happens, because they need to know..

‘It’s like a fire in the brain’..

My brain injury
I explain my brain to mainly tutors at university as they’re the main people who need to know, I mean ‘they deal with me..’ and how guilty would they feel if they couldn’t and didn’t help?.. because they didn’t know what to do.

The Reality
Yes it would be my fault because it is hard to explain, explaining with the actual brain injury? I mean, I can’t even remember to lock the door.. how do I explain what’s going on in my head

My crazy little head...
Spinning
Turning
Confused
Disorientated
Struggling at times..

But staying strong
And accepting that YES I have a disability

For life..

Bring ME back to life!

As my friends and family know,
TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY (I’m 24 and getting old, as is my brain)


But something I’ve always felt like and thought about is my left side ‘coming back to life’

My blog is about honesty and how I’m coping living and ‘recovering..’ so I wanted to share this with all you lovely readers!

When I first learnt to walk I’ve already said many times I used to ask my mum
‘How long did it take me to learn to walk when I was a baby?’

Right now I can’t;
Functionally use my hand
My ankle
And I live with a serious brain injury (I know this is a life long thing, but I’m cool with that)

So I guess for a ‘stroke survivor’ (I hate the word survivor it just seems so critical) you could say I’m actually recovering pretty well considering the situation I was in three years ago..

‘Bring me back to life!’

If I’m honest I’d much rather my ankle cane back because this bloody splint is so uncomfortable and people stare more at that, but I do wake up on every birthday with the wish that my hand and ankle came back ( I know that recovery is about training the brain) and lets me totally honest the only exercise and things I do to recover more is walk smile and try to be positive..

Obviously today is another day, not of upset and hurt because I haven’t magically and functionally recovered because that’s ridiculous and impossible *Lizzie, you’re to bloody lazy!*
BUT

ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!

keep calm and carry on..

It’s about what you CAN do, not what you can’t..

MY funny memories..

In my eyes..

'The lighter side of stroke'

Memories last a life time..

Obviously my stroke and the stroke ward will ..

ridiculously small 

And so will the memory of being shown a tiny red copy of a car (imagine the ones children can go on at amusement park) honestly it was ridiculous, 'right Elizabeth let's teach you how to get in and out of a car' *for starters I don't drive and also it was tiny!* 

I started laughing yesterday because the memory of just seeing this car was hilarious.. everyday at physiotherapy in the gym I watched elderly patients attempt to climb in and out of it, (not laughing at them) but laughing at how ridiculous the fact it genuinely was nowhere near the size of ANY car.. 

'Fuuuuuuck'

(Excuse the language or 'french' as people say, but it's necessary for this..) 

I remember vaguely when I was in the actual stroke ward all strapped up to beeping machines, hearing some random shouting noise.. obviously I was terrified but having someone randomly shouting 'fuck fuck fuck' is quite funny.. especially when you feel exactly the same.. 'fuuuuuuck' but you can't scream it because you already feel stupid.

Lazy

You become so lazy, you assume that everything you need done will just be done for you, 'can you open this please?' *something I could do..* obviously the response of 'no you can bloody do it!' (Urgh) you're so used to everyone doing everything for you then it STOPS.. great. 

The aftermath 

Coming home isn't easy but oh my god it's SO exciting (you're escaping the crazy lady screaming fuck numerous times) It's actually when you realise your  disability is real and everything becomes a little bit more difficult;

The knee

It snaps forwards but I cope, ill be walking and it'll just 'snap forwards' just a hyper extension but in front.

Spreading

You're given a bit of 'sticky stuff' which is MEANT to hold down appliances to stop them sliding around and let you spread bread and stuff easier, my toast loves the floor! *there is a 3 second rule though?*..

Excuses..

'Mum I've got a brain injury and bad memory I have an excuse!' This is so good when you constantly ask the same question 'when are we getting the train again?' Possibly asked 10 times.. I don't use it a lot but when Liam or my mum reply 'YOUVE ASKED THIS!' I simply reply with 'yeah but I've got a brain injury and memory problems..' *silence occurs..* 

Queue jump

Obviously I don't jump but when it comes to being 'known in boots' for having so much medication they call me to the front.. 

*stares from everyone waiting*..

Disability unknown

Putting people in their place 'YOU CAN'T SIT HERE!' yeah alright you're not Gretchen from mean girls.. younger people can have disabilities and I'm allowed to sit here on this bus.. 

Positivity 

I can get in ACTUAL SIZE cars

I can spread without my toast flying around 

I dont always queue jump

My knee is safe & I can walk..  

Me and MY epilepsy..

I suffer with epilepsy and have done since my stroke,
I personally would say this is worse than my disability as it comes with more 'difficulties'..


My head completely turns to the left when I have a sezuire, I convulse and bite through my tongue, I go blue and stiff making it really difficult to 'put me in the recovery position' (this is how you help me)..
I don't know how long they last but to me, it's like a bloody life time! And I ache SO much afterwards and I just want to sleep for days..


Abscent
'Arm flick' this is an abscent seizure and the majority of people I know have seen how distressing they are, if I continue to 'follow it through' it causes a HUGE ONE.. (stated above) these happen daily, sometimes one every 5 minutes..

The public..
People get scared, 'what do I do if you have a seizure?'.. everyone gets anxious to almost be around me, I get that.. I'd be nervous, you can see it in their faces, I had about 10 seizures in the space of two weeks.. Liam has seen me in situations he shouldn't ever have to and Im struggling, mainly with the fact they just happen; in my sleep, in the street, at home ANYWHERE! your brain just doesn't care.

Anxiety
This is HUGE for epileptics, I mean you'd be overly anxious, wouldn't you?
When you're asked about it you do have to explain but it makes it so much worse,
'Can we just not talk about it please..' even explaining to the doctor or my mum who needs to know that I'm having them..

The purple card
'I bite my tongue I'm on this medication and  this is the recovery position'
I hold this as I walk anywhere, walking from the bus station through the crowds of Canterbury college students is the hardest part as they're so young they wouldn't know what to do if 'it happened'..
the purple card is my best friend, it stays in my hand through any journey, or my right pocket, for safety.. a 'safety blanket'

I wouldn't even know what to do
Even if I saw someone having one, I genuinely wouldn't be able to help; because of my disability and my emotional state of being to emotional to deal with seeing someone in pain..

Tiredness
When I'm extremely tired I get scared because I know my seizures can be caused by this, but then it's a side effect from my stroke and medication, confusion!!

Blood sugar
I have to keep my sugar levels up, when I have 'anxious moments' I buy something with sugar in it, orange juice is my fave!! I mean, it is part fruit?..


What type is it?
Honestly there are so many types of seizures.. there's even a leaflet with a list listing everything about them..
from; family planning, driving, medication, support and so much more..

Driving
I can't do that and I'll never be able to, that's one of the worst parts of epilepsy, watching you all 'pass your tests' I'm nearly 24 I took about three lessons and then became an epileptic.

Foggy
It's blurry, scary and everything is just scary, everyday when I wake up I take my medication and just take a deep breath, the bathroom door stays open so if I have one Liam can 'find me'..

Lights
I'm affected by fatigue and low blood sugar but flashing lights scare me, it's a 'cause' to the majority of epileptics, a light flashes and my eyes hurt, my head KILLS and I just need to 'lay down'.

Drinking
Recently as I've suffered so many sezuires, I havent had alcohol in ages! *world record* especially for me.. but yes I do drink, Malibu is my fave!! And I'm probably not meant to drink..
I'm only young..


https://www.epilepsy.com/learn/types-seizures


Don't be scared to be around me, I'm still human I just have a different brain..