Fight or flight..

I’ve only just heard of this term but it made me think of pretty much my whole life because of everything I’ve been through..

“How do you do it?”
“Oh my god, you poor thing!”

Excuse me..

I am a human being..

I could either sit on my ass all day everyday and give up on myself crying and feeling depressed
Or get up and realise I have got a life to live and lead

I understand it might be a different and difficult life and I will have hard days but that’s it

‘That’s life..’

What’s life without a fight?

*No I’m not going to have a physical fight*

When I feel down I think of all those LOVELY people who doubted me and that makes me realise I will and can ‘fight this’

There is no reason to be down because I’m so far into my recovery..

Life is tough

But it’s fight or flight

And I’m creating my version of normal

This is the fight.

Me and MY disability..

Everyone struggles, that’s normal..

And everyone who has a disability has different ‘symptoms, struggles,worries and so on..’

“But you’re not disabled!”

Hidden disability? Duh* (rolling eyes emoji)

People have this strange assumption that because I’m a young woman clearly looking healthy as I am capable of standing on my own two feet, that ‘I am not disabled, because oh yes;
Everyone that is ‘disabled HAS to be in a wheelchair’ *myth*

Life is full of judgemental people and people who make you feel really uncomfortable, I’ve really struggled with this since my stroke due to how people treat me..

‘I stood up and put my coat on showing everyone my arm doesn’t work so they knew I had a disability’

‘Liz, you shouldn’t have to do that!’

I shouldn’t but I do..

Me and MY disability.

And then..

And thats when it hit me,
the fact this is real and this is really happening
University and the fact I'm in year three

The fact that I'm capable of sending my dissertation to my mum and not screaming or getting angry when she replies with ' I've just sent some suggestions Liz'..
The fact that when I walk to through the library the tutors talk TO me, not AT me and people smile.
No one patronises me anymore, I'm me and I've created a different version of me.

My version of normal.

A version of someone who doesn't need to check my blog posts for spelling mistakes because my brain can realise when I've mis spelt something..

My brain can realise when its going to 'blow' and scream.

Thats when it hit me.

The turnitin page loading..

The page every student hates but loves secretly because it means we've achieved something we dreaded for months..

something that caused my seizures which by the way have calmed down because I realised stress and lack of sleep were the cause for my sezuires..

I keep replaying my neurophysycologist saying 'You won't return to university Elizabeth' especially not for a long time..

Yeah Yeah..

I'm here, I'm me

And then.

The page loaded :)

Hi I’m Elizabeth..

I’m not your average young adult..
I’ve had to grow up quicker than the rest of you,
I mean I'm not saying I'm completely an adult or mature I still act like a child.
because thats what happens after a stroke, your brain is almost child like,

but no one will understand that, they will notice the little bits;

laughing uncontrollably
saying what you think out loud without thinking it through
learning to walk
adapting to life
learning to read write and see things in an adult way

and I suppose to you *being 'normal*

Hi I'm Elizabeth..

I'm not a stroke survivor, I'm me.
I'm who I want to be, I'm strong, I may not be capable of things you are, or things I could do 'before'
but, thats okay because thats what my brain can learn..

Hi I'm Elizabeth..

I struggle with slopes and stairs because my knee is weak, my arm is in a bent position but it is strong believe it or not :)

My hand is clenched into a fist, but does open.. slowly
and I can punch with it..

I take probably more medication than most people over the age of 60, but thats okay.

Because I'm normal.

I am me.

Retaining information..

“It’s not dyslexia it’s something a lot more complicated..”

But nope you won’t understand..

Retaining information..

At university we have this tutor who not going to lie everyone actually hates, it might be because he’s so abrupt and honest but he’s probably just trying to help.

I mean I was lucky to get into university considering I can’t retain information that well..

I can’t read small print, it’s all fuzzy but ITS NOT DYSLEXIA!

remember, I’m not like you ;) I’m ‘normal’

Retaining information..

I got given so much research in terms of like book after book that I honestly can’t read, I can read but the words are like lost somewhere in my brain..

I repeated the same chapter about 4 times in two days just to remember what had happened..

I post quotes because they help me get by.. sounds mental I know but when I was in hospital my mum gave me quotes to ‘make me happy’
You know the standard;

"You’re braver than you think..."

And I guess they’ve ‘stuck’

But I am learning to retain information ;)

And ITS NOT DYSLEXIA!

MY blood cancer :)

You know it’s real when it’s on the McMillan cancer support page:

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/information-and-support/blood-cancer/blood-disorders-neoplasms/essential-thrombocythaemia.html

‘Blood cancer’

Essential thrombocythaemia (ET) is a rare condition which affects the bone marrow – the spongy material found in bones. Bone marrow is where our blood cells are made. In ET, too many platelets are made. Platelets help the blood to clot.

Rare..
“Lizzie, it’s rare”

That’s what I tell myself everytime I swallow my chemotherapy, everytime I brush through my hair and think about how much is clogging up mine and Liam’s plug.

“Lizzie, it’s rare”

My skin goes blue and patchy showing the scars from my splint all down my left side.

Blood cancer..

It’s something that caused my stroke

I find those ‘advice pages’ really unhelpful because quite frankly it’s up to me to cope and I find it easier to just deal with it.


This blog post is short and difficult to write because its a 'touchy subject'..

All I'll end it with is;
''KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON"

MY stroke of independence..

I decided to seperate confidence and independence up because well, they’re two different things
*duh*

My independence came from being comfortable in my own skin, being allowed to enter the REAL world and be myself, letting my hair down and just spreading my wings..

Independence after a stroke is so difficult to regain, I lost the use of my left side, and I’ve only just learnt how to open a bloody jar..
‘Urm Liam, can you open the jam please?!’

Also child lock on bleach and stuff... literally impossible!

Independence is doing things on your own, like, going to the toilet..
*remember that blog post where my mum had to hold me on the toilet in hospital?*..
I try and forget that aswell don’t worry ;)

Independence..

My independence came from being independent enough to say ‘no, do you know what, I won’t take those tablets because I take enough!’

Independence..

I learnt how to be independent through people; coming and going, hurting me without knowing and  treating me with no respect..

But I thankyou

Because now I am independent.

MY stroke of confidence..

confidence comes from strength. ( I think)
confidence isn't just walking into a room and talking to people.

confidence is waking up and getting dressed, it's realising that I've got to do this and get on with this day which could be a full day (due to when my fatigue allows me to wake up..)

confidence is shutting the front door behind me and my foot touching the pavement knowing I'm officially outside,
"you can do this Lizzie!"

confidence..

confidence is going a whole day not thinking about seizures or hallucinating, seeing that person who follows you around and constantly tells you 'you're going to have a seizure! it's going to happen'..

confidence is spending a whole day at uni, standing up from chairs when were asked to 'move' or waiting in reception on my own for my learning support (who's always late by the way)..

confidence..

I found gaining my confidence really hard because people still try to put me down, even those who I've known for years..

But after a brain injury it is literally the hardest thing.. you're constantly doubting yourself
'I'll never be liked' bla bla, but people don't see that..

I'm safe :)
I'm confident.

Hospitals..

The only place where people accept your disability..


I always try to be my best because I remember how much I was ‘put down’
I remember telling professionals  I wanted to be able to walk to my own appointments again because it’s what I’d do ‘before’ this meant gaining independence and confidence again..

Hospitals..

The long corridor that when it was being built they assumed adding some horrible glittery ‘overlay’ on the floor would possibly make your experience ‘enjoyable’..

I always get lost (believe it or not)
‘Excuse me where is haematology?’

Hospitals..

I feel at ‘home’
Letting my arm loose comfortable with the way I look and when people stare feeling confident enough to smile and be positive

‘Oh but you should feel like that everyday, look what you’ve been through’

Hospitals..

The dreaded moment someone in a bed gets wheeled past you by a porter looking ill as anything unknown to where their going to be ‘placed’ and all I can think of is ‘please don’t say they’ve suffered a stroke’

Hospitals..

I find them scary, the nurses all know me because well ‘Im the young girl who had the stroke’
The pathology ‘team’ all say hi to me.

Oh yes I’m a regular *yay*

When I was on the stroke ward some nurse took my blood and it was never given in (therefore someone out there has my blood)..
me and mum used to laugh about it claiming he was a vampire..

Hospitals..

The dull pictures you see as you sit in the waiting rooms, flowers and  scenes from places that only the elderly would visit.

The loud ringtones people have that they seem embarrassed by, but at the point of choosing them they were probably very excited.. some upbeat drum noise on an old Nokia. *There’s probably a remix version now*

Hospitals..

The only time people can escape their home, for some people this is probably their only time out, they open up and you hear everything that is and has ever been wrong with them..

Janice currently has a bad foot and can’t climb her stairs..
Her neighbor was rushed to the hospital and Janice is ‘very worried’
Sympathetic sigh from the lady looking really uninterested next to her..

Hospitals..