Growing up

I never thought I'd be so excited for a bathroom to be refurbished, this week my 'shower room' ( as I don't have a bath) is being decorated with a new shower sink & so on..

"Do you need another hand rail in the shower?"
I decided on having one due to making sure I'm safe as I still get clonus.

"Do you need a high toilet seat?"
This time no, its much easier to sit down & stand up independently.

My beautiful brain
Making adult choices.

The floor.

Today was a milestone in my recovery as I taught myself how to stand up off the floor,

Something I do need to do while leaning on something but I couldn't do this a few months ago..

The strength of my knees is stronger and my ankle as without my AFO standing up off the floor can be difficult.

My beautiful brain
Reaching milestones.

Sleep.

I wanted to blog about how getting enough sleep helps prevent my seizures & helps my brain recover..

My epilepsy nurse (who discharged me the other day!!) encourages sleep for obvious reasons..

Getting enough sleep helps. Fatigue gets better so falling asleep voluntarily can be difficult.
*is my brain tired or is it fatigue?*

My beautiful brain
Sleeping to recover.

My stroke of courage.

I always get comments like - "you're so brave" and when I reflect on my recovery it does take a lot of courage..

Sometimes I find myself letting go of my arm & holding my head high enough for my walking to seem strong..

"You can't even tell"
People will say anything to make your confidence stronger, it does help but can get annoying.

I'm capable of everything those without a disability can do,  just a bit slower & with courage.

My beautiful brain
Brave, strong & recovering
'Since 2014'

A lost brain.

I didnt know what to title this post but im writing about my memory improving..

People still ask "do you remember?" & remind me of certain events..

My memory is slowly but surely coming back,
I used to only remember bad memories:
Lost friends
The stroke
Things that should be forgotten..

But my memory is fine,

My beautiful brain
Yes I do remember, dont remind me of a bad memory..

Living with epilepsy.

"I thought you were dancing, cutting some shapes!"
"You poor thing it must be awful"
"You should be careful next time, its not nice to witness!"
"Oo you scared me, I had no idea what to do"

Just a few comments from witnesses of my worse kind of seizure - *grand mal*

Epilepsy isnt a choice you make infact if I could I'd only live with my disability & cure the epilepsy..

Its difficult to trust people you're with due to anxiety -
"Will they know how to help me?"
But telling people scares them away -
"I do have epilepsy, but its controlled!"
A look of worry from my recent job interview..

The feeling after is exhaustion, stress, pain & the feeling of dissapointment.
*Bloody hell, now everyone will assume I've not controlled my brain*

You get scared but I get hurt.

My beautiful brain
Dealing with epilepsy.

Learning to swim..

As we made friends and the pool had a slope to walk into, I decided "Im gonna do this".

Naomi and Liam held my arm as I took a slow walk into the pool, I had to wear my splint and shoes so my feet were stable.

But - I got into a swimming pool, bobbing along and going under water..

My beautiful brain
Exhausted from training my brain.

Balance

Something I haven't written about for a while is my balance.

I still wear an AFO but; standing walking and climbing is so much easier, I've taught myself how to use a new cardio machine at the gym which allows me to bend my left knee and balance when coming on and off the machine.

My beautiful brain
Balancing.

Don't define me.

At first it was all about my stroke
 -  being on the radio and so on..

I found that as a young person it made me self centred meaning I lost the people I called friends..

It sets you back, it makes you more upset as you focus only on the 'bad times'

My beautiful brain
No longer labelling myself.

Its a brain injury

Brain Injuries last a lifetime, some would say 'unfortunately'.

You learn to adapt to your brain injury; *in my case* -
The seizures
The random outbursts
Those forgetful moments
The random crying or laughing

But when you realise your brain is learning and growing in size, it's the best feeling!

I try to think of my headaches as my brain growing in size, this is because I get headaches if I've done something & possibly trained my brain.

My beautiful brain.

Determination

Determination doesn't and definitely didn't come easy to me, the main part of recovery is to be determined motivated and strong enough to cope..

Remember recovery is a life long thing.
As bad as it may feel the thrill of realising your strength will make you so proud.

My beautiful brain
Determined to recover.

Positive vibes

Only having positive thoughts is helpful & motivating towards my recovery and makes me a 'nicer person to be around' -

Straight after my stroke I found myself moaning alot and probably a very unpleasant person to be near. ( those who've followed my blog will notice the dramatic change)

Getting through the hard times was very tough & believe me I still get down days..

But since; waking up early, joining the gym & reflecting on how far I have come..

And you know the best part? -
how far I can still go.

My beautiful brain
Positive vibes only.

Goal complete

I still need to set goals for my recovery as motivation is important & learning to be patient will be beneficial in the future.

It sounds really strange as a goal but its 'to watch films I used to love' *very fun goal*
Wizard of OZ was the first one & there will be more..

Its to help with the emotional stability after a stroke (crying over ridiculous things)

My beautiful brain
Setting new goals

Exercise & recovery

Im focusing on cardio strength to build my muscle, stamina and help with my epilepsy..

Something that I was told was "if you have epilepsy going to the gym is dangerous"
In some ways yes it is but ive found that exercising has helped my seizures and recovery..

I become really motivated and positive after the gym - but you'd need to experience a gym workout to understand :)

My beautiful brain
As its own personal trainer.

Moving arm.

People always assume my left arm is broken, due to the position it rests in - bent upwards and never down by my side.

I can lift straighten and bend my left arm so I guess you could say 'its not paralysed' anymore..

I never thought I'd be able to do the things I can now.. but as I've always said 'recovery is a life-long thing'

My beautiful brain
Still recovering, slowly in confidence and with independence..

Not a 'stroke survivor'

"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humour and some style" - Maya Angelou

Theres this term that people whove suffered a stroke tend to class themselves as
'Stroke survivors' putting themselves in a category of whats happened to them.
Forever reminding themselves of a time in their life they despise.

Whenever I see people tweeting who've suffered a stroke its like they've 'been accepted' but in my eyes I want to be confident in how far I have come & how far I will go.

Not to be classed as surviving, but to focus on life.

My beautiful brain
Being me

Things 'professionals' don't prepare you for..

I put ' around professionals because so many doubted my recovery & judged me on how I was in hospital.

Leaving hospital is the worst part -
You've had visitors and help but when you set foot in your front door you brake.
You're back in the real world.

People dont stay -
I clung onto my stroke
'Stroke survivor'
Changing my instagram to inform everyone I was brave, because thats all I was told in hospital.

People dont stay-
Friends or relationships dont care they just miss the old you.

You need confidence -
I needed confidence for small things like getting in my shower or waking up & being tired and self concious.

Railings make you scared -
*Oh my god why is there railings everywhere!* "Mum they dont match your house, they're too new" when do I try not to use them?

Your brain injury affects everything -
Saying stuff you're thinking is uncontrollable and people around you wont understand.

Your memory is affected -
Lists of what I need or plan to do has filled my shelves, 'dont need that anymore but its a memory'

People belittle you -
Im sitting in a disabled seat because I'm disabled, but I shouldnt need to explain why for their sympathy.

No one recovers 100% -
*When will I be able to do that again?*
Everyones recovery is so different. I spent months googling 'stroke recovery' so I could compare myself to others, this made me feel worse than seeing girls in heels & my old friends enjoying themselves.

Your family is affected more than you -
They've seen you change and need to accept how dramatic it is, accepting you cant do certain things.

My beautiful brain
Telling the truth.

"Cant do that"

Ive always said that ill try my best and see if I can do certain things.

But after a stroke paralysed or not you become weak.
Remember your muscle has gone, your brain has been through trauma so the strength may not be there..
(anymore)

I see gym workouts;
Jumping jacks
Push ups
Running

I see those and just know I cant do that,
I mean there's a limit and those would be too much for me.

My beautiful brain
Creating my own workouts.

Walking

This is probably my 5th 'walking' blog post
But I suppose it's a main factor of my recovery.

My walking gate does have bad days but when I take it slow it's really Good!

I do swing my leg mainly when I'm tired,

My walking will only ever get better just like my brain, and I still wear my AFO - a splint to support my drop foot.

My beautiful brain
Walking with style.

Fatigue

So how is my fatigue? - so much better in terms of waking up & feeling fresh..

I found that sticking to a regular sleep routine really helps
 (Liam does it too)

I don't really 'lay in' due to my epilepsy medication needing to be taken early.

*Okay brain lets not have seizures today..*

Fatigue is probably the hardest thing I delt with after my stroke.

*why am I ALWAYS tired?*


My beautiful brain
Beating the fatigue.