My Thankyou's

This is just a blog post to thank a few (quite alot) of people that have helped me in different ways and supported me through what i'm going through (hope you don't mind your names being written on my blog) you've all helped me with different stuff but you have helped me get through my recovery, if i've forgotten you, i'm sorry it's just hard to name so many people (ha) ;

Rachel Fewins
(for doing my nails when I need them done & reading my blogs)

Elizabeth Holmes
(for our trips out and texting me every day when i need someone to chat too)

Hollie Stafford
( for talking to me when i'm down and supporting me)

Lauren Bradfield
( for visiting me in hospital and staying round when I came out)

Bethany Sinfield
( for being someone to chat too when i'm down & need help)

Angharad Lloyd
( for also being someone to chat too when i'm down)

Laura Willis & Katherine Richardson
( for visiting me in hospital after not seeing you for so long)

Georgina Morris & Lauren Bingham
( for saving me on my 21st when I was so shit-faced and couldn't get home)

Bethany Woodward
( for always writing the nicest & supportive comments on my stuff)

Louise Lee
( for taking me out on day-trips & being someone to chat too & eat cake with)


Kirsten Holmes
( for saying you'll look after me if I return to Fenwicks, although i'm not :( )


Charlotte Windsor
( for taking me out in town in my wheelchair the day I had a sezuire and got dumped, lol)


Amanda Stone
( for bringing me Jaffa cakes while I was in hospital & for my birthday present)

Tracey Scott
( for visiting me and always being so supportive)

Shannon Thompson
( for being so caring towards me and someone to chat too)

Sarah Anderson
(for being so nice and helpful, also giving me links too buy one armed stuff)

Fiona Temple Roche
( For being so caring and always commenting on my posts)


Victoria Williams
( for visiting me in hospital & treating me like a normal person)

Karen Parter
( even though you're my exes mum you sent me the sweetest email when you'd found out & been so sweet since)


Caroline Shrubsall
( for being someone to chat too if I ever need it)


Karin Van Maaren
(for giving me yoga sessions and helping me to stretch my hand out)


Coral Quinney
( for shouting at you know who & being so caring since)

Nadine Lee Cottingham
( for reading my blogs everytime I write one and so sweet &caring)

Laura Sladden
( for also reading my blog posts & being so sweet)

Kirsty Spratt & Blair Heckley & Therapy hair body and nails
( for doing my hair so nice all the time & for my 21st)

Rebecca Frier & Ben Frier and of course Isaac
( for buying me Itunes vouchers in hospital & being so helpful throughout my recovery)


Jo Treharne
( for giving me loads of condoms and being someone to talk too)

Maisy & Alfie Walker
( For being there for me in hospital and so supportive when I see you)


Alex Perkins
( for being so nice when you've commented on my stuff)


Ari Scott
( for being so caring & helpful even though we nearly killed each other in Kavos )


Lara Bulli
( For going to the cinema with me and being so caring)


Bobby Love
( for writing the nicest comment when I fell out with my 'friends')


Heather Mitchell
( for coming into town with me & making me feel happy)


Liam Palmer
( for telling me to never give up Graphic design)


Joanie Scott
( for being so sweet and kind when I write an upset blog post & giving me advice)


Milly Bishop
( For the kindest message you sent me the other week)

Jenni Burt
( For being the nicest auntie & visiting me in hospital)


Kira White
( For being the best cousin & doing my nails)


Kyle White & Annemarie White, Jake & Sam too
( for being the best cousin and coming to see me in hospital)

Billy White
( for letting me sleep in your bed when I came to visit and needed a nap)


Sophie Lauren Harris
( for always reminding me how far i've come and your kind comments)


Lucy Cassingena  & Kurtis Watson
( for treating me normal after I came out of hospital and would be at Luke's)


Georgie Douglas
( For being so sweet when I fell out with my 'friends' & always there if I need a chat)

Imogen Ford
( For sending me the sweetest message when you found out)


Imogen Molloy
( For taking me out to the chocolate cafe & being so sweet)

Jade Marks
( for taking me out & being so kind and caring)

Alex Roe
( for visiting me in hospital & buying me the nicest gift)


Last but not least:
My mum, mike & Dan. for looking after me and making me happy :)

Shannon Lewis
( For visiting me regularly in hospital)



If i've missed you i'm sorry it's hard to remember so many names but thankyou everyone i've mentioned you've helped me so much.

 

''Right everybody clap! Come on''

Something I can't do at the moment but hopefully not forever is this...

Sitting in the pantomime after talking to a man who was talking to my mum and awkwardly asked 'so are you at uni? College? Sixth form?'

'No unfortunately in February Lizzie suffered a stroke so it's all on hold for now...'

All I could do was smile And act as if I didn't want to just cry. 

The panto started and as tradition everyone claps along with the cast

'Come on boys and girls clap!!' 

I sat on the balcony looking around and down just full of a room where everyone was doing something I longed for. Clapping

Yeah not everyone's dream wish but it's something you'd want if you couldn't do it.. 

I just slapped my knee and smiled but inside was crying desperately 

Today something I did which to me was such a big thing was go into town with Dan wearing my splint under tights 

'Baby can you see it? Does it look bad?' 

'No you can't honestly you look gorgeous'

People looked at my leg in shock Infact at the panto a little girl stared at it while I walk out of the lift and she looked terrified I watch people run down flights of stairs and miss it so much. So much that the other day I said to dan 'can you teach me to walk one foot after another downstairs because my leg won't bend fast enough' 

'Babe it'll come in time you'll be fine I'm here' 

Again the awkward smile appeared.. 

I'm terrified of the future but happy to say I am finally spending new year with someone who cares about me and won't get arrested because last year was awful basically a start to the worst year. 

I feel so comfortable next to dan that my arm stayed straight today when I walked and it's never done that. 

''My big sisters learning to walk again''

Someone I don't see much is my sister (half sister) who's 5.

When my dad would visit me in hospital she'd sometimes come with him, holding her little book bag and wearing her blue and white checkered summer dress with a cardigan to keep her warm.

When my dad would come alone he'd always talk about her and my youngest half sister, who's also really ill.

He said that when he went to pick Megan up from school she'd be telling her friends that she was coming to see me in hospital and that I was ''learning to walk again''
When I think of it now it's the cutest thing, but I think mainly because I don't see her much.

It makes me smile to think of her and how hers and my dads face was when I first moved my leg after 3weeks of being stuck in bed. Her little face lit up, she literally gave me the biggest smile and hugged me while I cried.



One of my goals is to make her proud, and to be the big sister that didn't give up.
But only because of her telling all her school friends.

Fatigue

Dealing with fatigue is horrific, you can be extremely hyper or happy for half a day but if you walk the smallest bit or get woken up ridiculously early your brain just shuts down, it's literally like the exhaustion after you've had a night out wearing heels, but I deal with it everyday. When I walk I have to physically think about; how my leg bends, how I move my hip and it gets so much worse when people try and talk to me while I'm walking, you've then got too; try and listen, think of what to say, remind yourself of where you are. If it's really busy in town or where I am, I literally get so frustrated because you then have to think about not bumping into people and how to react if you see someone you know, do I pretend I'm really happy? After my life's been destroyed by a nurses mistake of misjudging all my symptoms, do I pretend I actually know them? I only recognise faces now I genuinely don't remember anyone from before my stroke. So if I give you a confused look, that's why... 

I get so annoyed when I've planned to have a lay in and someone's like 'yeah meet at 9/10' because you'll get the worst of me, not the best and I try so hard to give everyone the best part of me, to give you something to just feel like I haven't wasted your time. If I feel my fatigue getting bad, I put music on, or just sing in my head which to be honest makes it worse, because I get thinking about all the lyrics. So don't moan to me that you're tired, when fatigue is literally impossible to deal with, Infact it's worse than loosing the use of an arm, because it's like your brains walking off to meet a bed but your heads telling you that you need to stay awake to please the person your with. If I'm tired you can tell; my face starts dropping and my arm drops, as if I've just had my stroke also I'll tell you I'm tired. Or I go really quiet and try to stop taking anything in, just because I'll fall into a heap on the floor and happily fall asleep. 

To the lovely nikki fox

Thankyou for seeing me through my recovery and interviewing me for the radio 5live show, aswell as Neil you have seen me progress from the stages of taking my first trip to cafe Nero alone, to walking long distances and coming to London :)

I said I'd dedicate a blog post to you and you deserve it as you're such a strong lady, from learning about your condition to opening up to you about almost everything, you haven't let anything defeat you and to me are an inspiration, you're the funniest, kindest, loveliest, thoughtful and prettiest people I know and you've helped me through the early stages of my recovery, you've always shown interest in my recovery and made me feel so comfortable with how I've been left after my stroke. I'm going to miss our monthly radio interviews but I'm so happy to say I've met you and that you're the sweetest lady ever thankyou nikki 

Being different doesn't make you weird

Okay so I made friends with the cutest old lady today whilst waiting for my appointment, 

A disabled man came and sat next to her, and tried talking to her he was hard to understand and was obviously quite disabled. 

The old lady stood up and moved to sit next to me looking at me and just saying 'don't wanna sit there' I just looked at her and asked 'why' 

Just because you're different doesn't make you any different to anyone else, you can be fat thin 'ugly' and disabled but you're still human, you're still the same as anyone else and still have feelings. I literally got so frustrated and felt like crying, the mans carer came out and simply said 'thanks for moving its so kind of you' obviously sarcastic. 

This poor guy was sitting there and asked his carer if he had done something wrong. Just imagine how that must feel, I honestly had no respect for this lady after she moved to the point where I ignored her after she tried to talk to me again.. 

Think before you do something especially if you're doing it to someone who might need that extra bit of help. 

Everyday

I find it so frustrating to get dressed, to the stage where I just wanna leave the house naked and get more stares than I already get, put one hand behind your back and try; tying a shoe lace, putting a bra on, wiring your leg up to a little box just so you can walk, putting a leg brace on so your ankle lifts up when you walk, doing your makeup, straightening your hair, putting a coat on. The list goes on.. 

 Could you put up with it? 

It's so sad that yesterday I actually got excited to be able to wear skirts again because the FES machine isn't bulky like my splint so I can hide it easier, I don't have the struggle of using my mouth the unstick the Velcro that's on my brace, when I say brace I mean splint (something they give stroke patients to improve drop foot)

So much more hassle than it's worth, I literally have to lay out the clothes I'm gonna wear for the next day, just so I can plan if my 'walking device will be easy to put on. Sad, yeah I know but that's life now I guess.. 

No more opening my cupboard and smiling endlessly just think 'oo I'll wear my skinny jeans and this top' not thinking about how it'll look, how many people will stare, does it look stupid? 

Is it worth it? 

Do I look like the rest of the girls walking around nower days? 

I just tell myself it's better to be different, better to not follow the crowd, better to be an individual. But then I take a look at myself an instantly think 'right now I'd rather be like the rest of them' able to sip a drink without checking  my mouth to see if I've dribbled on my left side, (rare nower days), not standing in a mirror and checking my figure from all angles to see if my splint looks stupid, not smiling at myself in the mirror to see if my droop is still visible, not hiding my hand under my coat because people stare at me like I'm a freak. 

I guess I am to the people walking around taking life for granted, thinking life's based on what they wear, how they look, what designer clothes to buy next, how skinny they look in their outfits, what heels to buy for their next night out. 

So yeah that's my day.. Most days, not as easy as it once was, it never will be again,it'll never be easy to get dressed standing up or like the rest of you, I'm so jealous I miss jumping in the air grabbing my tights both sides so there pulled up enough, I miss the days where I wasn't exhausted after putting clothes on. I miss the days where wearing a skirt with tights was just the norm and I wouldn't get over excited about it. (Yep I'm well sad).