Everyday

I find it so frustrating to get dressed, to the stage where I just wanna leave the house naked and get more stares than I already get, put one hand behind your back and try; tying a shoe lace, putting a bra on, wiring your leg up to a little box just so you can walk, putting a leg brace on so your ankle lifts up when you walk, doing your makeup, straightening your hair, putting a coat on. The list goes on.. 

 Could you put up with it? 

It's so sad that yesterday I actually got excited to be able to wear skirts again because the FES machine isn't bulky like my splint so I can hide it easier, I don't have the struggle of using my mouth the unstick the Velcro that's on my brace, when I say brace I mean splint (something they give stroke patients to improve drop foot)

So much more hassle than it's worth, I literally have to lay out the clothes I'm gonna wear for the next day, just so I can plan if my 'walking device will be easy to put on. Sad, yeah I know but that's life now I guess.. 

No more opening my cupboard and smiling endlessly just think 'oo I'll wear my skinny jeans and this top' not thinking about how it'll look, how many people will stare, does it look stupid? 

Is it worth it? 

Do I look like the rest of the girls walking around nower days? 

I just tell myself it's better to be different, better to not follow the crowd, better to be an individual. But then I take a look at myself an instantly think 'right now I'd rather be like the rest of them' able to sip a drink without checking  my mouth to see if I've dribbled on my left side, (rare nower days), not standing in a mirror and checking my figure from all angles to see if my splint looks stupid, not smiling at myself in the mirror to see if my droop is still visible, not hiding my hand under my coat because people stare at me like I'm a freak. 

I guess I am to the people walking around taking life for granted, thinking life's based on what they wear, how they look, what designer clothes to buy next, how skinny they look in their outfits, what heels to buy for their next night out. 

So yeah that's my day.. Most days, not as easy as it once was, it never will be again,it'll never be easy to get dressed standing up or like the rest of you, I'm so jealous I miss jumping in the air grabbing my tights both sides so there pulled up enough, I miss the days where I wasn't exhausted after putting clothes on. I miss the days where wearing a skirt with tights was just the norm and I wouldn't get over excited about it. (Yep I'm well sad).