When you don't want to give up

Okay so none of you will relate to this feeling unless you've lost a loved one, had a serious life changing illness or felt so unsure on life but this is the best way of explaining how I felt so here goes..

(Oh and dan, you read all my blog posts and have probably clicked this link but don't read it because I don't want to upset you) :) 

You know when you get asked 'are you okay? Do you need help?' And you simply reply 'no I'm fine' but deep down in your head it's like 'of course I do in in agony and uncontrollable pain that I know won't stop, just help me and stop with the silly questions' 

The best way to compare it for those who haven't felt hurt by anything I explained at the top, its like when you leave a house thinking 'yeah I'm gonna get absolutely 'mortal' and have the best night, rejecting the fact half your facebook friends say taking photos on a night out doesn't exactly express a good night, you go out you start drinking and you then don't feel drunk enough to 'smash it boi' or get so drunk that you can brag about it to all your Facebook friends who sincerely don't actually care (sorry) 

It's exactly like that, you then drink yourself silly just to actually stick by what you said you were going to do, not realising the damage you're doing to your body. And not wanting to 'give up' because a weird alcohol based feeling in your bodies saying you'll fail if you don't get 'mortal' 

The fault in our stars;

A film you've all seen and probably think 'why would you watch it if you knew it'd upset you' 

well...

 it's because one scene where hazel attempts to walk up all the stairs in the Anne frank house and succeeds reminded me of how I always wanted to give up and sometimes still do just rejecting help when people offer it to me just prove to myself and the person that I will, I can and I'll try to do it just to feel a sense of achievement, 

hazel starts walking and Augustus stops her realising how she physically can't do it but doesn't want to upset her asks if she wants to stop. 'No it's fine, I'm fine I can do it' she drags herself up this flight of stairs so out of breath (because of her condition) that she stops and just needs to take a break. But she doesn't give up she keeps on fighting. It's like a comparison to when your fatigue (an after stroke side affect) is so bad that you physically need to stop but your body and the working part of your brains saying 'no don't give up you can and will do it, don't be a failure to people who support you' 

So yeah that's it.

ps: don't watch the fault in our stars unless you want to cry so much so your mum has to hug you to stop it.