Three year mark

normally I'm constantly blabbing on about how scared I am the night before my stroke, it's been three years and I completely forgot..
I remember when my life revolved around my stroke, my advice to people who have had one Is to focus on recovering not making your brain become hurt or upset..

I've learnt so much this past year, not just that you actually have to pay for water
But moving out and starting a refreshing milestone, I still stress a lot but I am at university and they even found out the cause of my stroke, after 2 years?!?!

I don't take things for granted anymore, I go to the gym three times a week and I've managed to loose over 2 stone, but I still moan that I'm fat, typical girl talk..

I've been on holiday with Liam and booked another one for this year, and actually walked on sand!
My next goals aren't as extreme as last year,

Gain even more confidence and just carry on recovering to my best ability,

This year I've learnt my limits and reached goals that I'd set daily, even as small as carrying my MacBook to uni..
but after a stroke small goals help you achieve a lot more than you'd think.
Yes I still struggle, I do still have a brain injury and I still get stares but I've learnt to just walk holding my head up and smile.
I even managed to buy some shoes that are in fashion! They fit with my afo that I still wear because my ankle is still weak and drop footed, I can't do some things because of my epilepsy but I'm used to it now. I'm a student ambassador as well as a course representative!
My fatigue is basically gone, Liam says he's worse than me, I never need a nap and I'm always awake.
I looked through a 'stroke diary' I decided to create just after my stroke, I still get upset reading it.

But here's to another year of positivity and happiness

Memories

The night of my stroke will always remain in my memory; everyday, every night and probably for the rest of my life..
it's coming up to three years, three years of always talking badly of my brain and accusing it of 'ruining my life' but turns out it's created a better life..
I ask my mum "what was I like before my stroke?"
I know she gets so fed up with answering, it's just a way of making me realise that my strange idea of wanting to be normal was actually in fact not even a nice person.

I cope by being confident and independent, I don't let it get to me, everyone has bad days and good days..
after a stroke you assume everyday will be a bad day, wishing you could turn back time to before, I remember thinking if I changed the time on my clocks to before that it'd make me how I was..

I've returned to many places I visited at my worst, all of them were viewed from a different angle as I was in a wheelchair, even last year only the floor was viewed, now I've learnt to hold my head up and walk feeling confident.

Yes people stare and wonder why I'm walking like I am or why my arm stays in the consistent position as if I'm going to punch someone..
I remember feeling so hurt when people stared at me when I was in a wheelchair, to the point where if I see someone in one i smile, I used to get ignored and the person wheeling me would get a smile.. as if id be deleted from the world and was an embarrassment to those who didn't know me.

Life's a recovery, sometimes a struggle and really difficult.
But it's only going to get better..

Wipe those tears away, you're not here to stay..

For a uni project a group of us are volunteering to paint a mural on my old hospital ward within our group were going to come up with different ideas.

Imagine walking through the doors of a ward you once insisted you'd walk through with confidence, being grabbed by the nurses and canteen staff with tight gripping hugs of love and praise
''You've done so well! look at you!!''
A smile appears, trying to stop tears streaming down my face..

Imagine sitting in a day room you once refused to sit in because you couldn't stay awake long enough to even watch television and anything you'd watch on tv before your stroke you'd just cry at because it's 'not the same as before' you 'can't remember the stories within the programme'

We sat in the dayroom with an Occupational Therapist, do you remember the people who'd drag you out of bed to teach you to 'learn how to cut your food' or 'make a cup of tea' do you remember, the dark green trousers that would be so baggy they'd drag along the floor.
 do you remember? because i do.

We share our 'stories' of why we are helping the patients..

Our main reason
'To give something back'

to give something back to the; staff that taught me to walk
the staff that would persistently try and drag me out of bed to learn to cook with one arm/hand
the staff who'd feed me
the staff who'd put up with my impatience of not being 'normal' and almost blaming them
the staff who'd cheer me on when I finally stood on my own two feet and took my first steps

''Right i'll show you around the garden and everything else the patients can access, we are a ward of 19 beds so it's quite small''
*Oh my god! the garden.. the tight throat feeling you get before you want to cry appeared*
The strange excitement of revisiting a place that was so cheerful but so depressing at the same time. The only bit of 'freedom' you could have away from your stuffy hospital bed.
A different view from the dull dark blue patchy purple and black curtain that closes around your bed.
you know the ones that look as if they've been the same design for about 100 years? not even the splashes of random colours that clash SO bad could make it nice.

To get to the garden we had to walk down the long beige corridor with the wards built off of the corridor.
I remember peeping around the corner of the bed trying to see who my next visitor was, watching the nurses walk past and patients aimlessly walking around trying to 'escape'.
This time I was one of the 'visitors' peeping into the wards, to be curious of why these people were here. The  patients laying in beds all with different neurological conditions, some even trying to transfer from a wheelchair from their bed, possibly celebrating being able to move again.
Once I was one of those patients that people were so curious to see, but not understanding why.


We saw the garden, this time I took a deep breath of the fresh air and made sure I remembered the fresh smell, as I knew i'd be returning back into the wards to leave.

When leaving the ward we sat in the cafe to 'have a drink'
As I chose my drink, hot chocolate.. we sat down.
somewhere I was taken too to 'escape the ward' where my visitors would talk at me thinking I understood them and trying to make me feel positive.


This time I was walking in and walking out..
That was my goal nearly three years ago and it's complete.

My story of motivation and positivity

the last 'my story' involved a terrifying event that no one would ever imagine to happen to someone 'so young'
An event that I hated for so long and despised my body for, my life's always been a rollercoaster of hospitals and appointments waiting to be told good or bad news..

So here's my new story;
Full of motivation happiness and if I don't say so myself a lot of bloody inspiration,
My chemotherapy is working and uni if going so well;
Can't complain with three B's ( goal complete) to get higher grades than year one, higher than some people who aren't like me..
I live with Liam in a flat and it's getting easier as everyday goes on.
I've been volunteering at the hospital and I'm currently working on a project with my old ward by painting a mural on the wall in their really dull day room..
My walking will always be different to others but I guess that makes me special,
I'm so much more confident and comfortable than I've ever felt in my own body, I just get on with my life and don't let anything set me back..
why should I?


My confidence is sky high and I probably have to much of it

I've never really praised my old friends or ex for leaving my life but here's a huge thank you, for letting me recover and prove everyone wrong.. and be the best version of me.

Like I said on radio 5; life's just a rollercoaster going up...


So that's my new story full of positivity and good grades at uni and confidence
:)
I'm my version of normal

Living with epilepsy..

I live with it everyday and probably will for the rest of my life.
some people scare me when they talk about it openly, because when you have eli;espy you carry the anxiety and worry of ''will I have a seizure?''
The worst part of this worry is wondering that if you did have a seizure, what type would it be?

I suffer with absent seizures and Petit Mal seizures..

I may be seizure free for about 6 months but its still a scary thought.

My stroke caused my epilepsy and I have to deal with that..


The other day someone said they wouldn't know what to do if someone had a seizure, knowing full well i'm epileptic,,
''I'd just poke them and leave them there''

When you have epilepsy you have the fear of trusting people, even if they're really close to you..

for your safety and to check you're okay after..

Studying with a disability

Its a brain injury as well as a physical disability,

I get help when i'm at uni, it's difficult when you used to be so independent and now you're slightly dependent on another person,
have they got all the notes?
did they write it so I can understand it?

I can't understand anything written in paragraphs, unless I write it..
I miss out lines when I read, I loose concentration and struggle to regain it.

My brain wanders off when i'm trying too hard, then my fatigue kicks in,
leaving me confused, unmotivated and angry.

I can feel my brain working hard when I start getting on with my work, it's an odd feeling,
it's a light throbbing feeling on the corner of my brain (right side)

When I come up with my own ideas or understand something,
I get a sensitive throb (just like the feeling after someones scratched an itch).

studying with a brain injury is difficult but the feeling I get in my brain is the best feeling, knowing it's recovering and i'm be getting better

Speech and Language Progress..

I've been having speech and language for about 3/4 months,
When I first suffered my stroke I had something called;
Dysphasia.

Basically I would struggle to understand emotions and mislead what people say to me:

• If someone nudged me in the street, i'd swear at them or get really aggressive (even though it was probably my fault) 
• If someone text me without an 'x' I would assume they were angry with me.
• If someone told me joke I wouldn't understand but i'd laugh so much that i'd look strange and rude ( i'd watch other people laugh and laugh because they were) 
• I struggle to understand sarcasm, humour and emotion.

My speech and language therapist reads statements to me ( mini stories, small paragraphs) 

Then she asks me questions, to see if I was concentrating and remember the \important' details.

This is because I can't 'read between the lines' I miss out details from; stories, lectures and essays.. 

My concentration is really bad and I 'wander off'. 

This is where my learning support assistant helps ( she writes notes for me during lectures and bullet-points the important bit so it's easier for me to understand.

The filter in my brain is coming back, meaning i'm slowly gaining;

• my memory
• cognitive skills
• my language
• my emotions 
• and i'm more socially aware of how to speak in a conversation.

My recovery is continuing and i'm improving..

slow and steady wins the race..