I’m not rude I promise..

Sometimes I don’t ask you if you’re okay because I can’t process the question to respond
“You alright?!”you might not get a reply but possibly a smile as I am aware of how it may ‘come across’..

But I'm not rude I promise
It’s my brain and it’s how it’s damaged..

Sometimes I frown at you because I’m struggling to understand;
Where I am
What I’m doing and who you are..

But I’m not rude I promise

I assume you’re going to let me down, whoever you are because I’m not used to trust,
I can’t trust you, people have let me down since my stroke that I can’t trust, unless you ‘let me in’ to understand and get to know you..
(Liam and my family)

Would you trust people?

My brain doesn’t understand itself;
Why am I like this after all this time?
What’s going to happen next?
Why can’t I understand after all this time?

Who am I....
regardless of my name I’m still learning who I am as a person.

But I’m not rude I promise

‘Was that a joke?!’ I don’t understand when you’re joking or if you’re being sarcastic, so please just don’t (because I don’t understand you)

But I’m not rude I promise...

Just a doctor..

This is a blog post explaining how I feel after every doctors appointment or ‘consultant’

To you it’s a job you see hundreds of people a year, probably a month..

But you don’t and never will understand the struggle;

Yes I’ll take the medication you’ve just written on a green slip to ‘pick up from the local pharmacy’
But don’t tell me the side affects and expect me to be ‘excited it’s going to possibly help’

You just sit in a chair waiting for the next patient


The anxiety rushes through me as I sit there waiting for you to explain and write on a piece of paper, to be throw into a cabinet of paperwork no one reads..

‘Oh let me check your notes quickly’..


You don’t see the bad days, the days where everything is a blur but I need to carry on, not for me but everyone else..
Why?
Because otherwise I’m a failure.

STROKE RECOVERERS NOT SURVIVORS..

Okay so I watched the programme about Barbie on channel 4 and ‘perception’ is currently my NEW favourite word :)

Sometimes I get the occasional
“I don’t know how you do it?”

I’ve never really understood what ‘it’ is..

It as in stroke ‘recoverers’.. this is a better way of saying and explaining who we are,
Because it’s what we do.. ‘we’ as in the classed as, ‘stroke survivors’

I remember there was an article written about me, they headlined it as
‘Stroke victim Elizabeth Ashmore tells of her fight for survival’
I’m sorry WHAT? Survival?..
the perception of people whom have suffered strokes;
TIA’S
‘Major strokes’
And if there are any more types of stroke..

No one sees our bad days
The days at the start where;

We compare ourselves to others recovering
We’re TOLD how we may recover and our brains will ‘re-wire
We ALL loose something and someone (friends and unfortunately for some partners)
We’re so vulnerable that we will believe and fall for anything anyone says to us
We will blame ourselves for suffering the stroke


And then obviously there is how we are affected..

Some can’t even speak- known as ‘aphasia’

Unable to ‘speak out’ to put it bluntly
Tell everyone to
‘Fuck off’

Vulnerability is a HUGE problem as stroke recovers to recover, its so difficult to realise that you are infact more vulnerable than a child..

The perception *there the word is again!!* of stroke ‘survivors’ as SOME idiots say..
Will NEVER be changed and I think as a personal opinion it slows our recovery down, you are stopping us from;

Believing in ourselves
Recovering at our own speed
To start LOOKING FORWARDS not back..
(These stroke survivor Facebook groups really don’t help)
Trying to be ‘normal’

THERE IS NO NORMAL!

Leave the past in the past and just be who you are..

Inside MY skull..

I  write the titles of my posts in capitals because I want you to think;
COR BLIMEY THATS IMPORTANT
This blog is MY recovery and how I cope..
I talk about ‘other stroke survivors’ And aim to almost explain and help them to cope with their brain injuries..

How do I explain MY disability?
My brain injury, it’s so hard to explain and to be honest I shouldn’t have too.. but the reality of life is that no one really knows the ‘symptoms of stroke’ you watch the FAST advert and yes it is ‘helpful’ for the outside views..


Inside the skull
The brain is slowly ‘dying’ slowly struggling to cope with the disaster that yes is happening on the outside..

I’ve recently been talking about MY epilepsy as that’s part of my brain injury, it’s a massive struggle, I have to explain to; friends, tutors, my family and everyone how to ‘deal with me’ and what actually happens, because they need to know..

‘It’s like a fire in the brain’..

My brain injury
I explain my brain to mainly tutors at university as they’re the main people who need to know, I mean ‘they deal with me..’ and how guilty would they feel if they couldn’t and didn’t help?.. because they didn’t know what to do.

The Reality
Yes it would be my fault because it is hard to explain, explaining with the actual brain injury? I mean, I can’t even remember to lock the door.. how do I explain what’s going on in my head

My crazy little head...
Spinning
Turning
Confused
Disorientated
Struggling at times..

But staying strong
And accepting that YES I have a disability

For life..

Bring ME back to life!

As my friends and family know,
TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY (I’m 24 and getting old, as is my brain)


But something I’ve always felt like and thought about is my left side ‘coming back to life’

My blog is about honesty and how I’m coping living and ‘recovering..’ so I wanted to share this with all you lovely readers!

When I first learnt to walk I’ve already said many times I used to ask my mum
‘How long did it take me to learn to walk when I was a baby?’

Right now I can’t;
Functionally use my hand
My ankle
And I live with a serious brain injury (I know this is a life long thing, but I’m cool with that)

So I guess for a ‘stroke survivor’ (I hate the word survivor it just seems so critical) you could say I’m actually recovering pretty well considering the situation I was in three years ago..

‘Bring me back to life!’

If I’m honest I’d much rather my ankle cane back because this bloody splint is so uncomfortable and people stare more at that, but I do wake up on every birthday with the wish that my hand and ankle came back ( I know that recovery is about training the brain) and lets me totally honest the only exercise and things I do to recover more is walk smile and try to be positive..

Obviously today is another day, not of upset and hurt because I haven’t magically and functionally recovered because that’s ridiculous and impossible *Lizzie, you’re to bloody lazy!*
BUT

ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!

keep calm and carry on..

It’s about what you CAN do, not what you can’t..

MY funny memories..

In my eyes..

'The lighter side of stroke'

Memories last a life time..

Obviously my stroke and the stroke ward will ..

ridiculously small 

And so will the memory of being shown a tiny red copy of a car (imagine the ones children can go on at amusement park) honestly it was ridiculous, 'right Elizabeth let's teach you how to get in and out of a car' *for starters I don't drive and also it was tiny!* 

I started laughing yesterday because the memory of just seeing this car was hilarious.. everyday at physiotherapy in the gym I watched elderly patients attempt to climb in and out of it, (not laughing at them) but laughing at how ridiculous the fact it genuinely was nowhere near the size of ANY car.. 

'Fuuuuuuck'

(Excuse the language or 'french' as people say, but it's necessary for this..) 

I remember vaguely when I was in the actual stroke ward all strapped up to beeping machines, hearing some random shouting noise.. obviously I was terrified but having someone randomly shouting 'fuck fuck fuck' is quite funny.. especially when you feel exactly the same.. 'fuuuuuuck' but you can't scream it because you already feel stupid.

Lazy

You become so lazy, you assume that everything you need done will just be done for you, 'can you open this please?' *something I could do..* obviously the response of 'no you can bloody do it!' (Urgh) you're so used to everyone doing everything for you then it STOPS.. great. 

The aftermath 

Coming home isn't easy but oh my god it's SO exciting (you're escaping the crazy lady screaming fuck numerous times) It's actually when you realise your  disability is real and everything becomes a little bit more difficult;

The knee

It snaps forwards but I cope, ill be walking and it'll just 'snap forwards' just a hyper extension but in front.

Spreading

You're given a bit of 'sticky stuff' which is MEANT to hold down appliances to stop them sliding around and let you spread bread and stuff easier, my toast loves the floor! *there is a 3 second rule though?*..

Excuses..

'Mum I've got a brain injury and bad memory I have an excuse!' This is so good when you constantly ask the same question 'when are we getting the train again?' Possibly asked 10 times.. I don't use it a lot but when Liam or my mum reply 'YOUVE ASKED THIS!' I simply reply with 'yeah but I've got a brain injury and memory problems..' *silence occurs..* 

Queue jump

Obviously I don't jump but when it comes to being 'known in boots' for having so much medication they call me to the front.. 

*stares from everyone waiting*..

Disability unknown

Putting people in their place 'YOU CAN'T SIT HERE!' yeah alright you're not Gretchen from mean girls.. younger people can have disabilities and I'm allowed to sit here on this bus.. 

Positivity 

I can get in ACTUAL SIZE cars

I can spread without my toast flying around 

I dont always queue jump

My knee is safe & I can walk..  

Me and MY epilepsy..

I suffer with epilepsy and have done since my stroke,
I personally would say this is worse than my disability as it comes with more 'difficulties'..


My head completely turns to the left when I have a sezuire, I convulse and bite through my tongue, I go blue and stiff making it really difficult to 'put me in the recovery position' (this is how you help me)..
I don't know how long they last but to me, it's like a bloody life time! And I ache SO much afterwards and I just want to sleep for days..


Abscent
'Arm flick' this is an abscent seizure and the majority of people I know have seen how distressing they are, if I continue to 'follow it through' it causes a HUGE ONE.. (stated above) these happen daily, sometimes one every 5 minutes..

The public..
People get scared, 'what do I do if you have a seizure?'.. everyone gets anxious to almost be around me, I get that.. I'd be nervous, you can see it in their faces, I had about 10 seizures in the space of two weeks.. Liam has seen me in situations he shouldn't ever have to and Im struggling, mainly with the fact they just happen; in my sleep, in the street, at home ANYWHERE! your brain just doesn't care.

Anxiety
This is HUGE for epileptics, I mean you'd be overly anxious, wouldn't you?
When you're asked about it you do have to explain but it makes it so much worse,
'Can we just not talk about it please..' even explaining to the doctor or my mum who needs to know that I'm having them..

The purple card
'I bite my tongue I'm on this medication and  this is the recovery position'
I hold this as I walk anywhere, walking from the bus station through the crowds of Canterbury college students is the hardest part as they're so young they wouldn't know what to do if 'it happened'..
the purple card is my best friend, it stays in my hand through any journey, or my right pocket, for safety.. a 'safety blanket'

I wouldn't even know what to do
Even if I saw someone having one, I genuinely wouldn't be able to help; because of my disability and my emotional state of being to emotional to deal with seeing someone in pain..

Tiredness
When I'm extremely tired I get scared because I know my seizures can be caused by this, but then it's a side effect from my stroke and medication, confusion!!

Blood sugar
I have to keep my sugar levels up, when I have 'anxious moments' I buy something with sugar in it, orange juice is my fave!! I mean, it is part fruit?..


What type is it?
Honestly there are so many types of seizures.. there's even a leaflet with a list listing everything about them..
from; family planning, driving, medication, support and so much more..

Driving
I can't do that and I'll never be able to, that's one of the worst parts of epilepsy, watching you all 'pass your tests' I'm nearly 24 I took about three lessons and then became an epileptic.

Foggy
It's blurry, scary and everything is just scary, everyday when I wake up I take my medication and just take a deep breath, the bathroom door stays open so if I have one Liam can 'find me'..

Lights
I'm affected by fatigue and low blood sugar but flashing lights scare me, it's a 'cause' to the majority of epileptics, a light flashes and my eyes hurt, my head KILLS and I just need to 'lay down'.

Drinking
Recently as I've suffered so many sezuires, I havent had alcohol in ages! *world record* especially for me.. but yes I do drink, Malibu is my fave!! And I'm probably not meant to drink..
I'm only young..


https://www.epilepsy.com/learn/types-seizures


Don't be scared to be around me, I'm still human I just have a different brain..