Do you ever just get those days where you do something and you feel so confused after, like you feel as if anything anyone says to you wouldn't make you feel better, Or where you're waiting for someone to just put a hoover to your head and hope it will suck out your confusion.
I get this everyday, No matter what I do, no matter where I am it happens.
Too be honest it's happened a lot recently because i've just received abuse off people that used to be my best mates, i'm juggling trying to recover from a stroke to being told constantly that I don;t make any effort. Would you? if they didn't talk to you anymore. I got shouted at because I said that seeing them go out constantly and not invite me was stressful and upsetting me, ''How is that stressing you out Liz?!'' hmm... Oh and this continued onto twitter and then text messages, I found out it started because i'd un-followed them, because seeing all their ''yeah we're having a great time'' photos actually made me cry.
I can't stop feeling confused and stressed recently, everyday is a juggle between trying to do something that makes me smile and trying to recover from a really serious stroke, I don't know how you do it anymore, like I don't know how to stop feeling like this and all I get when I say it's how I feel is.. '' You wont be like this forever this is temporary you know''
You know what really hurt me the other day and it's the fact my dad text me for the first time in 2/3 months asking ''what's new'' not asking to see me or how I am.
well nothing's new accept I can go a day without falling asleep, I can now float in a swimming pool with someone holding my back. Oh and I taught myself how to make cheese on toast because my OT didn't turn up.
I lost my bank card and bus pass this week because I was so stressed about posting items i'd sold on Ebay and walking through town on my own. It was as if someone was kicking me constantly and laughing, I had to walk with my head down and try not to take in people's stares.
Sunday, 16 November 2014
Wednesday, 12 November 2014
Feeling a connection
I know it's completely different and I honestly can't imagine being burnt or my house being on fire but I watched EastEnders earlier and literally feel how Kat felt aiming to leave the house and being so scared you just freeze and stand in a spot feeling so lost confused and as if everyone is talking about you.
When you have a stroke you can end up with serious disabilities, that could last your whole life of be temporary, I remember the first few times I was asked to go out and meet friends or just go for a walk somewhere with my Physio's I was so scared, terrified in fact, trying to push out all the stares and people just looking at you, I remember just hugging my physio after the first ever walk I did around my estate and just repeatedly saying ''why me? please just make this all stop, please just take me back to the days i'd be me and accepted''
It's a lot easier to leave the house now but you still get all the same worries, instead of looking in a mirror at how my make-up looks, I look to see if I look normal enough to be accepted. It's something that some people never gain or get back; confidence, and I was told it was one of the hardest things to get back after my stroke, but luckily I can leave the house without the crying and worrying of what others think.
When you have a stroke you can end up with serious disabilities, that could last your whole life of be temporary, I remember the first few times I was asked to go out and meet friends or just go for a walk somewhere with my Physio's I was so scared, terrified in fact, trying to push out all the stares and people just looking at you, I remember just hugging my physio after the first ever walk I did around my estate and just repeatedly saying ''why me? please just make this all stop, please just take me back to the days i'd be me and accepted''
It's a lot easier to leave the house now but you still get all the same worries, instead of looking in a mirror at how my make-up looks, I look to see if I look normal enough to be accepted. It's something that some people never gain or get back; confidence, and I was told it was one of the hardest things to get back after my stroke, but luckily I can leave the house without the crying and worrying of what others think.
Tuesday, 11 November 2014
The best day of my life so far...
Many more amazing days to come but my 9month stroke anniversary 100% smashed anything i've ever done.
I had my second radio interview with radio 5, They paid for me and Dan (my boyfriend) to get the train & a taxi to and from Canterbury to st Pancras and I was told i'd be given a tour around the BBC studios and radio one, As in my first interview I said i'd love to meet Greg James ( obvious reasons, girls should understand ;) ). When me and Dan got there the presenter started by doing my radio interview, it was me and Nikki Fox the lovliest lady i've ever met and a lady who's a trained stroke physio. As my physio's refused to be involved.
I was asked all the regular questions mainly about how I was getting on, as the interview is following four disabled people all learning to walk for different reasons. The presenter of my interview remembered how much I loved Tom Pearce from Towie (The only way is essex, for the old people that don't know the slang word for it). He got me a voice recording of Tom saying about how well i'm doing and how I should carry on watching the show, Honestly i've never smiled so much in my life.
After my interview me and Dan were shown all around the news rooms where they film; the weather, the news and gather all the news stories to broadcast.
We were then taken to Radio One, Greg James's presenter said he was too busy to meet on that day but said we will try to fit something in soon.... AHHHHHHH!!!
Mw and Dan were so amazed by everything, it was HUGE. All the live lounge was being set up. We did see Charlie Sloth but not gonna lie, He pisses me off so it didn't actually amaze me.
We then decided we were hungry so me and Dan got the tube to Holborn tube station, and decided we fancied Nando's, as I was feeling determined I said i'd walk to Covent Garden from Holborn tube station, it took a while but I was so up for just proving I can do it. I did make Dan go in MAC where I bought some mac up and bless him, made him stand and wait, But we did see a lady from HollyOaks, again, she's not interesting so we just let her walk out and carry on looking grumpy.
We then got a taxi to the train station as I was knackered and got the train home, hoping Dan didn't have a ticket on his car. ( which he didn't)
I had my second radio interview with radio 5, They paid for me and Dan (my boyfriend) to get the train & a taxi to and from Canterbury to st Pancras and I was told i'd be given a tour around the BBC studios and radio one, As in my first interview I said i'd love to meet Greg James ( obvious reasons, girls should understand ;) ). When me and Dan got there the presenter started by doing my radio interview, it was me and Nikki Fox the lovliest lady i've ever met and a lady who's a trained stroke physio. As my physio's refused to be involved.
I was asked all the regular questions mainly about how I was getting on, as the interview is following four disabled people all learning to walk for different reasons. The presenter of my interview remembered how much I loved Tom Pearce from Towie (The only way is essex, for the old people that don't know the slang word for it). He got me a voice recording of Tom saying about how well i'm doing and how I should carry on watching the show, Honestly i've never smiled so much in my life.
After my interview me and Dan were shown all around the news rooms where they film; the weather, the news and gather all the news stories to broadcast.
We were then taken to Radio One, Greg James's presenter said he was too busy to meet on that day but said we will try to fit something in soon.... AHHHHHHH!!!
Mw and Dan were so amazed by everything, it was HUGE. All the live lounge was being set up. We did see Charlie Sloth but not gonna lie, He pisses me off so it didn't actually amaze me.
We then decided we were hungry so me and Dan got the tube to Holborn tube station, and decided we fancied Nando's, as I was feeling determined I said i'd walk to Covent Garden from Holborn tube station, it took a while but I was so up for just proving I can do it. I did make Dan go in MAC where I bought some mac up and bless him, made him stand and wait, But we did see a lady from HollyOaks, again, she's not interesting so we just let her walk out and carry on looking grumpy.
We then got a taxi to the train station as I was knackered and got the train home, hoping Dan didn't have a ticket on his car. ( which he didn't)
Sunday, 9 November 2014
The truth about it all..
So when you're in hospital they don't prepare you for the days you might go on a boat and try to walk across without falling over, They just prepare you for; washing yourself, feeding yourself, dealing and coping emotionally with whats actually happened to your body.
To be fair it was quite funny, but scary, I tried to walk to the toilet while the boat was moving but failed, My legs were all wobbly and I shut my only working hand in the toilet door. As well as being really sea sick, I did manage it. But they don't tell you stuff like '''oh by the way walking on a moving ferry or sitting on a plane gripping the seats hoping the height doesn't cause another stroke or explosion of blood clots in your brain again'' is whats to come, as well as feeling like life's going to be this way forever and emotionally dealing with people staring at you like you're not allowed to have a disability.
And the numerous amounts of people that honestly think saying ''well age is on your side'' is going to make you feel any better, ''oh yeah age is well on my side, I had a stroke at 20 so yeah age loves me!''
I try to hide how that comment makes me feel, but if only you knew how rude it feels and angry it makes me, just like 'well luckily you're right handed!' Yep luckily, but honestly try putting leggings or a bra on with one hand. or fighting the fatigue on a daily basis wondering if the next conversation you're about to have will just shut your brain down to sleep mode where everything feels impossible.
another thing that really annoys me is ''You'll get there you're getting stronger everyday'' Yeah so strong that I still have to sit on a stool in the shower because my leg shakes so much if I stand for longer than 5minutes. Bloody love my left side. :)
To be fair it was quite funny, but scary, I tried to walk to the toilet while the boat was moving but failed, My legs were all wobbly and I shut my only working hand in the toilet door. As well as being really sea sick, I did manage it. But they don't tell you stuff like '''oh by the way walking on a moving ferry or sitting on a plane gripping the seats hoping the height doesn't cause another stroke or explosion of blood clots in your brain again'' is whats to come, as well as feeling like life's going to be this way forever and emotionally dealing with people staring at you like you're not allowed to have a disability.
And the numerous amounts of people that honestly think saying ''well age is on your side'' is going to make you feel any better, ''oh yeah age is well on my side, I had a stroke at 20 so yeah age loves me!''
I try to hide how that comment makes me feel, but if only you knew how rude it feels and angry it makes me, just like 'well luckily you're right handed!' Yep luckily, but honestly try putting leggings or a bra on with one hand. or fighting the fatigue on a daily basis wondering if the next conversation you're about to have will just shut your brain down to sleep mode where everything feels impossible.
another thing that really annoys me is ''You'll get there you're getting stronger everyday'' Yeah so strong that I still have to sit on a stool in the shower because my leg shakes so much if I stand for longer than 5minutes. Bloody love my left side. :)
Thursday, 6 November 2014
''she had a stroke in february and needs to do something to get her back to uni''
So last night I went to look around Canterbury College, didn't go as well as I thought it would, we spent an hour being redirected around to different posts to talk to different people.
They wrote my name on a sticker and I stuck it on my chest.
I went there to talk about doing a nail course but all I got was;
''ahh I find it so interesting, The course will be harder but you need to do things you wanna do''
So yeah thanks, well helpful and not patronising at all.
I saw a board full of pictures and stuff i'd of done at my uni, I instantly sat down and asked if i'd be able to do it. unfortunately because I already have a BTEC Extended diploma in Art & Design which got me an unconditional offer into university they said i'm too 'over qualified' something I honestly never thought i'd hear. My mum even laughed when they said it. Shows you how unlikely and how shocking it was.
As we walked out I just needed to cry. My uni is right next door to the college (UCA) and I literally looked over and felt my heart drop, I'll never skip a day of uni again or say I hate it. Because truth is when somethings taken away from you, it makes you realise how much you actually enjoyed it.
So I sat in the car, and just cried, My mum held my hand and looked at me with the most caring look saying ''It wont always be this way Liz, if Dan was here what would he say?'' I just laughed and smiled uncontrollably.
The only good thing that came out of visiting the college was a guy asking me if I was in Year 11. My mum laughed and was like ''well at least you still look young''
So I need to plan my next step of my recovery, because that was a huge fail.
They wrote my name on a sticker and I stuck it on my chest.
I went there to talk about doing a nail course but all I got was;
''ahh I find it so interesting, The course will be harder but you need to do things you wanna do''
So yeah thanks, well helpful and not patronising at all.
I saw a board full of pictures and stuff i'd of done at my uni, I instantly sat down and asked if i'd be able to do it. unfortunately because I already have a BTEC Extended diploma in Art & Design which got me an unconditional offer into university they said i'm too 'over qualified' something I honestly never thought i'd hear. My mum even laughed when they said it. Shows you how unlikely and how shocking it was.
As we walked out I just needed to cry. My uni is right next door to the college (UCA) and I literally looked over and felt my heart drop, I'll never skip a day of uni again or say I hate it. Because truth is when somethings taken away from you, it makes you realise how much you actually enjoyed it.
So I sat in the car, and just cried, My mum held my hand and looked at me with the most caring look saying ''It wont always be this way Liz, if Dan was here what would he say?'' I just laughed and smiled uncontrollably.
The only good thing that came out of visiting the college was a guy asking me if I was in Year 11. My mum laughed and was like ''well at least you still look young''
So I need to plan my next step of my recovery, because that was a huge fail.
Tuesday, 4 November 2014
Oh my god, are you okay?! what happened?
Yep thanks for pointing out I look as disabled and vulnerable as I feel, so kind of you.
I've had this question so many times, but what shocks me is its mainly from nurses, I'm sorry but I find it ridiculous stroke clearly isn't shown enough as awareness so people prevent it from happening. Trust me if you lived with my 'new brain' you'd instantly quit smoking and go on blood thinners. But i suppose i'm only saying this because I live with the side affects everyday.
Made me laugh yesterday when the nurse asked me 'Are you okay? did it hurt?' ... oh and guess what came next;
''but you're so young, thats rare isn't it!'' too be honest, yes it is but when you've had a stroke you seem to find a whole community of ''apparently too young'' stroke survivors and people who's lives flashed before their eyes.
When people actually ask me 'what happened' I literally just go ''oh I had a stroke :)'' Because I could be so much worse off than I seem to; look, be and act. It's exactly the same as when people sarcastically smile at you in the street, may as well have a sign over my head that states what happened. You wouldn't ask someone in a wheel chair why their in one, would you? So why does having a slight limp and me holding my arm change the reason to ask openly and rudely ''whats happened'' And yes I would be ''okay'' if you stopped asking.
I watched the housewives or orange county the other day with my mum, and my god if they had a stroke, how would they cope? Honestly, it's like Kim Kardashian. It's all; money, shoes, partying and being famous.
The other day I got so frustrated that Patrick hasn't been on Eastenders in so long, Just because it's such a good way of raising awareness and actually weirdly makes me not feel alone in this strange world i'm living in.
I've had this question so many times, but what shocks me is its mainly from nurses, I'm sorry but I find it ridiculous stroke clearly isn't shown enough as awareness so people prevent it from happening. Trust me if you lived with my 'new brain' you'd instantly quit smoking and go on blood thinners. But i suppose i'm only saying this because I live with the side affects everyday.
Made me laugh yesterday when the nurse asked me 'Are you okay? did it hurt?' ... oh and guess what came next;
''but you're so young, thats rare isn't it!'' too be honest, yes it is but when you've had a stroke you seem to find a whole community of ''apparently too young'' stroke survivors and people who's lives flashed before their eyes.
When people actually ask me 'what happened' I literally just go ''oh I had a stroke :)'' Because I could be so much worse off than I seem to; look, be and act. It's exactly the same as when people sarcastically smile at you in the street, may as well have a sign over my head that states what happened. You wouldn't ask someone in a wheel chair why their in one, would you? So why does having a slight limp and me holding my arm change the reason to ask openly and rudely ''whats happened'' And yes I would be ''okay'' if you stopped asking.
I watched the housewives or orange county the other day with my mum, and my god if they had a stroke, how would they cope? Honestly, it's like Kim Kardashian. It's all; money, shoes, partying and being famous.
The other day I got so frustrated that Patrick hasn't been on Eastenders in so long, Just because it's such a good way of raising awareness and actually weirdly makes me not feel alone in this strange world i'm living in.
Friday, 31 October 2014
Affected Brain
Today I had my assessment/report read too me and my mum about basically how well or not so well, i'd done on the cognitive tests i've been doing for about 6 months too get me back too uni and understand why I treat some people how I do; snappy, aggressive, angry, upset and confused over things that before i'd literally just do without thinking about.
My neuropsychologist read out a report she's written on me and the results, she's recently had meetings with me to talk about what I was like at; school, work & who I hung around with..
Oh and ''what i'd get up to at weekends''
As she read out this report infront of my mum I just burst into tears, she'd reffer to it as ''before the stroke Lizzie was...'' And i've never even realised how much the stroke's actually damaged my brain.
'' She finds it hard to concentrate on two things at once''
''Lizzie struggles with strategies and understanding peoples emotions so she will either react with aggression or just get upset''
''Lizzie needs special care with learning how to take things in and actually knowing how to react''
I could see my mums face just staring at me as my lip started shaking, I looked at my neuropsychologist and burst into uncontrollable tears, literally tears that couldn't be stopped, I couldn't even; think, speak or explain anything. I just looked at my mum and she came and hugged me.
My neuropsychologist stroked my back and just said '' This is fir your benefit, you probably wont even get into this rehab centre Lizzie, so don't let it get in the way of your recovery now''
There it was again, the tears All I could say was;
'' You never realise how much a stroke can affect someone, I never realised how much i've changed as a person and the fact i'll never be the same again hurts, I feel like i've wasted my life before my stroke worrying about stupid things like; ooo my make-up looks awful or I need to have the best outfit I need to look nice.
My stroke'd given me an insite to just grow up and mature earlier than most other people.
It's now about living life healthily and happily, than going clubbing and getting pissed every night and wasting time worrying about what people actually think about me, because truth is..
It doesn't actually matter
it's your life and you only get one shot at it, so make the most of doing what makes you happy, not trying to please other people.
So the main reason for this particular blog post is, don't assume that because i'm happy and smiling or able to walk & talk i'm normal because i'm so badly affected that it makes me feel physically sick to even think about how my brain looks.
My neuropsychologist read out a report she's written on me and the results, she's recently had meetings with me to talk about what I was like at; school, work & who I hung around with..
Oh and ''what i'd get up to at weekends''
As she read out this report infront of my mum I just burst into tears, she'd reffer to it as ''before the stroke Lizzie was...'' And i've never even realised how much the stroke's actually damaged my brain.
'' She finds it hard to concentrate on two things at once''
''Lizzie struggles with strategies and understanding peoples emotions so she will either react with aggression or just get upset''
''Lizzie needs special care with learning how to take things in and actually knowing how to react''
I could see my mums face just staring at me as my lip started shaking, I looked at my neuropsychologist and burst into uncontrollable tears, literally tears that couldn't be stopped, I couldn't even; think, speak or explain anything. I just looked at my mum and she came and hugged me.
My neuropsychologist stroked my back and just said '' This is fir your benefit, you probably wont even get into this rehab centre Lizzie, so don't let it get in the way of your recovery now''
There it was again, the tears All I could say was;
'' You never realise how much a stroke can affect someone, I never realised how much i've changed as a person and the fact i'll never be the same again hurts, I feel like i've wasted my life before my stroke worrying about stupid things like; ooo my make-up looks awful or I need to have the best outfit I need to look nice.
My stroke'd given me an insite to just grow up and mature earlier than most other people.
It's now about living life healthily and happily, than going clubbing and getting pissed every night and wasting time worrying about what people actually think about me, because truth is..
It doesn't actually matter
it's your life and you only get one shot at it, so make the most of doing what makes you happy, not trying to please other people.
So the main reason for this particular blog post is, don't assume that because i'm happy and smiling or able to walk & talk i'm normal because i'm so badly affected that it makes me feel physically sick to even think about how my brain looks.
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