Hospital for sick children

When I was younger because of my kidney disorder I spent basically all of my childhood in Great Ormond street hospital. It was right behind the place where I did my arm stimulation research project so me and mum obviously had to pay it a visit..

''Hospital for sick children'' was displayed in bold writing on the entrance, There it was the throat pain you get before you need to breakdown. Luckily I stopped myself, I held my head high and walked through the doors, passing children that were in wheelchairs and being fed through tubes. The pain of just seeing these children go through something they can't control is enough to break your heart. Wearing hospital gowns and holding onto their mum/dads hands probably tight enough to try and express the pain their going through. No parent should ever have to face their child being ill.

Outside were just ambulances with ''intensive care unit for children'' Thats enough to make anyones heart sink. Mine did but again I held it in. Walked through and just tried to look for this bus mum said I used to play in when I was younger, making the joke of ''we'll take a photo of you in the bus just like old times''
I'm not even a parent but just having the emotions I got from walking into the hospital and seeing young sick children ( all mainly under 5) was just horrific. So I salute my mum for seeing me through such a bad time, and of course any other parent out there with sick children..

return to work meeting

Something i'm going to be having a lot of before I can go back to work, I know I will because it's my main goal and i'd do anything to be back earning money and meeting new people.

It was so hard, being a visitor in a place you once helped people out in, just watching a lady wait at the till to pay and wanting to jump in and help her by serving.
I walked down the dull coridoors of the Fenwick's offices, behind my manager and a lady I work with, feeling; scared, vulnerable, lost, confused, upset and uncomfortable.


Then the questions started;
. How do you feel your illness has affected you? ( Just wanting to cry and open my heart out and say.. in every way possible?)
. And what are your limitations? (Well.. I can't do half of what I could before, So.. pretty much everything)
. Do you have a date you'd like to return? (I laughed to ease the pain... yes, Now? Tomorrow?)
Just get me doing normal things again.
. Are you on any current medication? (urr.. yes I rattle when I walk)
. Do you have any question for me? asks my manager with a beaming smile ''No sorry, i'm too overwhelmed to actually think'' I reply and nervously smile


Walking away was the hardest, passing people whom you once walked past at work asking to open the tills to cash up, Giving an uncomfortable smile and just accepting the blank looks I got from people who quite clearly find it uncomfortable to deal with, I certainly wouldn't know what to say if someone I knew had, had a stroke... So I get the ''You alright?'' quite a lot, and of course I lie, because i'm not.


My main goal is to go back to work, I hope they take me back and theres nothing more I miss, even though I know as soon as I go back i'll be standing there wishing I was in bed.

wanting to be like everyone else...

I want to go out, I want to spend all day with people talking and not getting tired after a 20minute conversation.

I want to be accepted for who I am now and not just looked at funny because my left arm just looks stupid

I get constant reminders of stuff I can't do, just by seeing photos and videos. I can't wait for the day to just wake up and be complete, be me again, be happy again and just be able to do stuff for myself

Its easy to tell someone there doing 'really well' but it's so hard for me to believe it. I can't run, I can't jump,  I can't sit on the floor because I can't get up again.

I have to get a bus home because walking to town and back exhausts me to the point where I cry.

I don't want to be like this anymore, I don't want to see constant reminders, I don't want to feel lost and confused while just waiting in a que.

I don't want to be known for the girl who had a stroke, i'm still lizzie, i'm still human like I say every-time I write a blog post.

Life will never be the same again, and I already knew that I just can't face the truth, I can't help but look back and just want every moment I ever took for granted to replay it and make it happen instantly so I can tell myself everything's going to be okay.Because it will, some things are meant to happen to create a stronger person. I tell myself this was meant to happen because I wasn't strong enough before.

so called 'friends'

So this is just a blog post to explain the mental and emotional feelings you get with a stroke, and finding out your true friends...

My old friends hardly talk to me, I can only imagine it's because I can't go out and drink, But who knows..

I've found out who my true friends are throughout this whole process, it's strange because before my stroke I used to imagine i'd find out when I was like 50... But when you go through something as big as a stroke you find out within months, it can literally be from who takes time out of their day to send you a text, to who actually asks to meet up with you or offers to take you out.

I find it hard to hold conversations, my brain tries to keep up but my mind just can't, when people take me out and ask me ''are you tired? do you want me to take you home?'' I just say no, because i'm not giving into  whats happened to me, i'm not gonna let my stroke win.
So fucking bring it on stroke.

I constantly think to myself that maybe my so called friends are scared, scared of if something happens, scared of if I get tired and that they wouldn't know what to do. Well guys it's really not hard, you just have to treat me like a normal human and help me with tiny things like; doing my bag up, opening doors for me and silly things that you can do without thinking about.

I don't know what my future has in store for me, but I don't want to spend it being miserable and wishing i'd done something differently.

When I read my first blog posts I cry because I literally never imagined life as it is now. I never thought i'd be walking again or doing 'normal things' again. but I am, and i'm just living every moment as if it's my last. Because you never know whats round the corner.


Don't tell me you're gonna come over and not turn up, don't tell me you're looking forward to seeing me and when you do just stare at me like i'm a freak.

Don't add me as a friend and not talk to me, it's weird and rude.


I don't want fake friends I don't want people who have no interest in following my progress, I certainly don't need the stress and I don't want people to treat me differently. I can still talk, I can still understand, my brain is badly affected but i'm still a human.

Imagine if you were in my position and you had literally no idea why your 'friends' don't talk to you.


I know it's a two way process but my brain isn't 100% functioning properly so it's a little bit harder for me..

hurt

What do you do when you feel like somethings ruined your life, like something will never be the same again...
Like everytime you try you just get pushed aside, everytime you try to prove to yourself your body just stops and wants to break down, i've tried being motivated i've tried being determined, determined not to let this stroke beat me, it's harder than anything i'll ever have to do, and I thought revising was hard, trust me it's a piece of piss..

I wanted to go back to uni, I wanted to go back to work and prove I can beat this, Not just for myself but to prove there is life after stroke.

What do you do when you can't even watch an advert that shows whats happened to you without breaking down and wanting to just run away.

How do people go on without being hurt or feeling defeated when your bodies been destroyed, destroyed by a nurses mistake of realising the signs of something so obvious. I literally can't let it go, i've tried to move on and forgive her because lets face it, I am too young to have a stroke, but how the fuck did she become a nurse.


I've only just started listening to music because at first I'd just break down and cry, sometimes I still do, if I see someone I haven't seen for ages I breakdown, I don't mean too, I try to hold it in too show how strong i'm being but it hurts, it hurts being embarassed by your own body, it's so easy to tell someone to be strong and hold in the negative feelings but when you're faced with it everyday; things you can't do anymore, like fucking simple things; holding a camera, holding a conversation, smiling with both sides of your mouth lifting, moving your arm, doing your hair, shaving your legs, bending down and standing up without nearly falling over, running upstairs and downstairs..
theres many more but it makes me cry to even write what I can't do anymore,

It's so hard thinking that I might not ever be able to do things I could before,

The other day I saw an old man in a wheelchair and gave him the biggest smile because I remember how people would blank me when I was in one, but smile at whoever was pushing me.. That hurts, they might be disabled but they still have feelings.

Imagine walking to the end of the road and feeling like you've just met your favourite celebrity, thats how I feel every time I walk somewhere. As well as exhausted.

I've found a comfortable position of holding my arm, so no one looks at it anymore and it just looks normal. Because lets face it, I might not ever be a whole working body anymore.

All my friends are having babies, getting married and then theres me, learning how to live in this body that I hate, this body that isn't what I want, learning how to walk.




Imagine being tired from just walking 15metres, yeah i'm doing much better than anyone thought but fuck me it's hard; it's awful and soul destroying.

Everyday you just want a hug, you just want someone to come and tell you everything will be okay, `every week I need to just burst into tears, I need to just let it all out, all the emotion thats somewhere building up in my brain, my ruined brain.

British medical journal

Well as my stroke was so rare with the condition i've had since I was a baby, My stroke specialists have written a report on me for the British Medical Journal. This was given to me as a draft. Luke read me the whole 'article' as I couldn't understand half of the language they used.

My stroke was ranked a 12 out of 45 in terms on 45 being horrific (worst stroke possible) and 0 being (never happened) Which.. I wish was true.

Since seeing my specialists my stroke scores gone to a 5, (meaning i'm recovering better than anyone thought I would) So thank you brain ( in a weird way) My age has made a huge impact on my recovery.

I've had the quickest 6months possible, and I honestly thought it would go ridiculously slow. I can't remember the first few days of being in hospital or the times when in hospital i'd cry to my physio saying ''I just want to go home, i'm going to hate this for the rest of my life'' thinking i'd remember those days... I don't at all, it's almost like it never happened. Which is an amazing feeling.

I've had a busy few weeks doing loads of walking and meeting up with friends. It's been such a good boost for my confidence and emotions.