hurt

What do you do when you feel like somethings ruined your life, like something will never be the same again...
Like everytime you try you just get pushed aside, everytime you try to prove to yourself your body just stops and wants to break down, i've tried being motivated i've tried being determined, determined not to let this stroke beat me, it's harder than anything i'll ever have to do, and I thought revising was hard, trust me it's a piece of piss..

I wanted to go back to uni, I wanted to go back to work and prove I can beat this, Not just for myself but to prove there is life after stroke.

What do you do when you can't even watch an advert that shows whats happened to you without breaking down and wanting to just run away.

How do people go on without being hurt or feeling defeated when your bodies been destroyed, destroyed by a nurses mistake of realising the signs of something so obvious. I literally can't let it go, i've tried to move on and forgive her because lets face it, I am too young to have a stroke, but how the fuck did she become a nurse.


I've only just started listening to music because at first I'd just break down and cry, sometimes I still do, if I see someone I haven't seen for ages I breakdown, I don't mean too, I try to hold it in too show how strong i'm being but it hurts, it hurts being embarassed by your own body, it's so easy to tell someone to be strong and hold in the negative feelings but when you're faced with it everyday; things you can't do anymore, like fucking simple things; holding a camera, holding a conversation, smiling with both sides of your mouth lifting, moving your arm, doing your hair, shaving your legs, bending down and standing up without nearly falling over, running upstairs and downstairs..
theres many more but it makes me cry to even write what I can't do anymore,

It's so hard thinking that I might not ever be able to do things I could before,

The other day I saw an old man in a wheelchair and gave him the biggest smile because I remember how people would blank me when I was in one, but smile at whoever was pushing me.. That hurts, they might be disabled but they still have feelings.

Imagine walking to the end of the road and feeling like you've just met your favourite celebrity, thats how I feel every time I walk somewhere. As well as exhausted.

I've found a comfortable position of holding my arm, so no one looks at it anymore and it just looks normal. Because lets face it, I might not ever be a whole working body anymore.

All my friends are having babies, getting married and then theres me, learning how to live in this body that I hate, this body that isn't what I want, learning how to walk.




Imagine being tired from just walking 15metres, yeah i'm doing much better than anyone thought but fuck me it's hard; it's awful and soul destroying.

Everyday you just want a hug, you just want someone to come and tell you everything will be okay, `every week I need to just burst into tears, I need to just let it all out, all the emotion thats somewhere building up in my brain, my ruined brain.