Affected Brain

Today I had my assessment/report read too me and my mum about basically how well or not so well, i'd done on the cognitive tests i've been doing for about 6 months too get me back too uni and understand why I treat some people how I do; snappy, aggressive, angry, upset and confused over things that before i'd literally just do without thinking about.

My neuropsychologist read out a report she's written on me and the results, she's recently had meetings with me to talk about what I was like at; school, work & who I hung around with..

Oh and ''what i'd get up to at weekends''

As she read out this report infront of my mum I just burst into tears, she'd reffer to it as ''before the stroke Lizzie was...'' And i've never even realised how much the stroke's actually damaged my brain.

'' She finds it hard to concentrate on two things at once''

''Lizzie struggles with strategies and understanding peoples emotions so she will either react with aggression or just get upset''


''Lizzie needs special care with learning how to take things in and actually knowing how to react''



I could see my mums face just staring at me as my lip started shaking, I looked at my neuropsychologist and burst into uncontrollable tears, literally tears that couldn't be stopped, I couldn't even; think, speak or explain anything. I just looked at my mum and she came and hugged me.

My neuropsychologist stroked my back and just said '' This is fir your benefit, you probably wont even get into this rehab centre Lizzie, so don't let it get in the way of your recovery now''

There it was again, the tears All I could say was;

'' You never realise how much a stroke can affect someone, I never realised how much i've changed as a person and the fact i'll never be the same again hurts,  I feel like i've wasted my life before my stroke worrying about stupid things like; ooo my make-up looks awful or I need to have the best outfit I need to look nice.
My stroke'd given me an insite to just grow up and mature earlier than most other people.
It's now about living life healthily and happily, than going clubbing and getting pissed every night and wasting time worrying about what people actually think about me, because truth is..

It doesn't actually matter
it's your life and you only get one shot at it, so make the most of doing what makes you happy, not trying to please other people.



So the main reason for this particular blog post is, don't assume that because i'm happy and smiling or able to walk & talk i'm normal because i'm so badly affected that it makes me feel physically sick to even think about how my brain looks.

Happy again

Something I spent everyday doing in hospital was crying and just feeling sorry for myself (sometimes I still do)
But recently I literally have had the biggest smile on my face, like I get up early (which I really struggled with before) and can just get on with the day as if nothings happened.
Obviously I have down days because it's so hard dealing with what i've lost and am wishing I still had.


Me and my mum wrote out some 'contract' to stop us arguing and keep me well behaved (haha), not even gonna lie when she showed me I laughed, because it's literally like being 12 again.

I've sorted out my 'future plans' in terms of going back to uni and work, When I was about 15\16 I really wanted to study beauty at college, but Obviously as everyone of my friends was clever enough to go to uni I got called a 'beauty school drop out' But now I literally can't be bothered to let your opinions bother me.
I'm doing what I want to do and moving forward with my life, not listening to your petty comments.
(rant over)

So hopefully if I can. i'm doing a nail course to learn how to do gel nails which will save me about £60 a month on getting my nails done. (If life treats me well enough to let me actually do it)

My neuropsychologist says it will be good to start off with something small before jumping back into uni, So the long term future goal is to be at uni again finishing my course at UCA.

I'm aiming to go back to work in Fenwick's but the other week I was so tempted to just leave because I know how hard it is to get a job in Canterbury and I keep getting phone calls about bringing in sick notes but receiving the phone calls literally give me shivers as I can't stop thinking of how it felt to do overtime and the stress of customers that just wind you up.

I'm off to a Rehab Centre...

So I can't go back to uni, I can't go back to my job... YET
But trust me my main goals are to go back, i've been told i'm going to be sent or taken to a rehab centre called Banstead
http://qef.org.uk/our-services/neuro-rehabilitation-services/

I need to be referred by my Physio's and neurophysiologist first, and it's not even a certain decision yet I'm literally terrified. I'll be surrounded by people with brain injuries and people that have had strokes, or serious accidents,
I'm so scared, like if I do get a place, I'll be moving out for a year and will be in a place I don't even know, leaving my friends and family.. How do you react when you know it's the best thing and place for you but you genuinely are so scared that thinking about it gives you goosebumps..

I've written my future goals with my neurophysiologist to plan what I want to achieve when and if I go there, number one being;
I want my hand and arm back.
I want to learn to be polite again
I want to learn to be clever enough to go back to uni
I want my life to be easier to live  (if thats possible)

I've already learnt to live in my house again, and now i'm quite possibly ( because of my age) gonna be taken away from it all and have to re learn again, not from my choice but people that have only known me for 9 months choice.
with ''my best interests at heart' hmmm okay then, I'll leave everything i've ever known and loved to go somewhere i'm really scared of.

Being a carer

I clearly can't comment on this but I witnessed a man in the doctors the other day getting abuse off his wife who was in a wheelchair, literally " I hate you, you're so mean too me, go die you bully"
This poor man wheels his wife past my house on a daily basis, he looked at me in utter disgrace and almost embaressment for the way his wife was acting, Now for a long peroid and i'd still say for some things now... my mum is/was my carer; Checking my medication was correct and that I had enough prescriptions, setting up my shower for when i'd want one, shaving my legs for me because i'd find it hard to bend over, preparing my lunch for the next day to make sure I actually ate food, styling my hair for the days it tired me out to much to even hold straighteners without falling asleep, putting me in the recovery position after a sezuire, coming to numerous blood tests and kidney check ups, trying to explain that sleep food and positivity are all good things, talking me out of those nights i'd just cry in her arms wishing it hadn't happened, explaining that i've had a stroke and things wont always be this way, cleaning my room and changing my bed sheets. Oh and last but not least, making sure that i'm still alive,happy and breathing.
I owe her the biggest apology, I swear at her, shout at her and treat her like absolute shit. It's so hard to hold in my emotions and feelings, it's like anything I think just comes out,
even if it's "eurgh that lady looks like a tramp"

I'm trying to stop it but after seeing that lady talk to her what i presume was her husband the way she did I just want to donate this to how amazing my mum is and how no matter what she's still smiling and carrying all this shit in her head and yet she still manages to hug me, kiss me and tell me she loves me..

I don't care but she is my bestfriend and the most amazing person i've ever met.

If I could put into words how amazing she is I would but... it's literally impossible. ♥

Dealing with 'it'

I've only just taught myself how to walk through from my kitchen to my sofa holding my breakfast, takes a while but at least I reach my destination after the first struggle.

I have to write myself lists of what i've got to take out with me the following day and leave a reminder in my phone to tell me to smile.

i'm getting there where ever 'there' is, slowly but surely, thats what this is isn't it, a slow and long process...
Imagine being stuck underwater unable to reach the surface, Just like when a dick head 'mate' holds your head under the water and thinks its hillarious, while you're stuck under water thinking; am I going to die? can you just let me up to breath, please? Thats how it feels, 'it' being the stroke, thats my brain as it's slowly going, going away somewhere that i'll never find it...
You're constantly confused, constantly stuck, constantly wondering when you'll feel 100% again..
But still smiling when someone comments to say ''wheres that smile then?' oh here you go... I'll just smile and pretend none of this ever happened because i wish that was the truth...

Please take this away, I cant do it anymore

So I'm not going to give up because my main goal since my stroke is to not let the stroke define me or beat me as some people can just completely give up and give in to what their strokes done to them..

I'm only 21 i've got the rest of my life to live yet..

Last night me and my nan had a huge heart to heart about what I want to do with my life, if i'm going to go back to the same uni course and same job..

I'm nowhere near ready yet but thats what I want to do, I mean if I gave them up, my stroke would of won? Surely...
How do you do it? I mean how did I wake up early for work and use both hands i've actually forgotten...

My life has become hospital appointments and checking i'm not bloody dribbling on the left side of my mouth. Oh wait and checking my walkings 'normal' how fun, aye?

I miss everything that I did before, I miss getting ridiculously drunk and not having to think 'will this make me have a sezuire tomorrow?' Now it's 'why the hell is that person staring at me' 'Why are they looking at me like i'm a freak?' Because i'm not.. i'm still human, I just struggle with what you can do and don't need to think about...

As the conversation between me and my nan carried on, about how she thinks I need structure and something to do during my lonely days at home while my friends are earning a living and getting on with uni, I just looked at her and then yeah the tears came she grabbed me and squeezed me so tight her little strands of curly hair went up my nose (sorry nan).
I just weaped "I can't do this nan, I can't be like this, why me? why not someone whos done something awful?''  She didn't really know what to say, no one does because it's impossible to answer, what would you say?

All I want in life is to be happy and work again no matter what my situation is.

Support,

Everyone needs that bit of a confidence boost or just a push in the right direction or someone to just stop you and congratulate you on doing something.


This is a blog post to everyone who's supported me and given me the support and love I need to get through this, It never goes un noticed and I can promise you that.

You know exactly who you are and their is so many I honestly can't even name you all, So thank you for everything.


I read what people post on my blog posts and their people i'm never gonna meet and the same with a group i'm on, on face book full of other stroke survivors everyones story being different, all sharing their experiences with stroke recovery.  You are amazing and I look up to all of you.

So thank you and I love you all. No joke, it makes me so happy to recieve random messages and stuff

the next stage of recovery, walking against the waves

So, I thought learning to stand and taking my first steps after being paralysed  were hard. But walking against the waves in the sea were harder.

Gripping my mums hand, trying to keep my balance and getting hugely frustrated because my brain knows/knew how to do it, once apon a time...People make it look so easy, how? like how do you walk without your ankle not twisting, how do you keep your balance. Will it ever be possible again? It definatley wasn't like something out of Bay watch...

I spent the previous day laying on a sun bed watching/admiring  an older lady with what I think is multiple sclerosis(a muscle waisting disorder) ... trying to swim, and trying to be like the rest of you, 'normal'

I looked at my mum and said ''She's so brave''. When I just wanted to hug her, tell her she's amazingly strong. When trying to walk in the sea I tried to put all the shit i'd dealt with behind me, let the passing waves wash everything to the shore and the next person to walk over them, crushing them into the sand.

''You're doing it Liz! smiling at me and giving me the biggest hug. My mum just help my hand making sure I didn't fall and start aggressively swearing at her (a regular occasion when i'm angry)...
''I know I can't stop mum, I need to beat a goal!''
Because thats life now.. '' The road to recovery''
All about setting goals and beating them, first being; walking without a stick.

I'm onto the next stage of my recovery now, doing things I that months ago seemed literally impossible; going on holiday being one of them, then walking around a pool with a disability and dealing with stares that if I won money for i'd be a millionaire...


Recovery is a life long process, so when I do something I thought was once impossible I get overly excited.
I mean, when I told a lady on holiday i'd had a stroke she was so shocked, because no one would assume someone so young could have one, But yep. i'm  probably  the 1 out of 20 under 30's thats had one... ''the unlucky one'' Oh well, better to be different.
Nothing is impossible, so don't let anyone lt you think it is.

hydrotherapy

Okay so no need to boast but before my stroke put me in a swimming pool and i'd just swim lengths.

Today I had my first ''swimming lesson'' as a stroke patient.
sitting on a red sofa outside the physiotherapy section of the hospital, feeling so lost confused and almost anxious, I had no idea what to expect; Would I drown? Would I float? Would my brain remember and I just magically start swimming like nothings happened.  I carried on tapping my good foot on the floor so much so the man next to me kept looking at me because he was clearly annoyed. gutted mate, i'm not gonna stop listening to my music for anyone.
Physio's in their dull blue trousers and long coats were just walking past, followed by Occupational therapists, in their disgusting green trousers ( I feel sorry for any occupational therapist because that uniform is actually rank)

So my physio came out ''Elizabeth Ashmore?'' I just smiled and stood up, walking towards her as eyes just stared and people just watched me analysing why I needed 'physio'
All I can do is just smile, and walk with my head held high, Some lady whispered to her husband but really loudly she may as well of shouted it.. '' She's that girl that was on the news'' And sympathetically looked at me with the gayest smile. So I literally gave her the biggest smile showing all my teeth.She looked down and carried on just talking to her husband.


My physio walked me past a room full of the most attractive physio's, no joke I looked like i'd just been dragged through a bush.
''Do you need any help Elizabeth?''

'oh no i'm absolutely fine thank you. She left me with two manky hospital towels in the smallest changing room.   I just got undressed and into a swimming costume which I haven't worn for years, I felt like an old lady in her element. My mum told me I shouldn't wear a bikini as it wouldn't be 'appropriate' deep inside that hurt because i've bought such nice bikini's for Greece.


As I walked out to this tiny pool, breathing heavily ''I'll help you shower if you want?''

again, ''no I can do it myself, i've learnt so i'll be fine thankyou though''
The lady smiled.

I washed all of my body. And slowly walked into the pool, As soon as I stood in it I just wanted to cry, My brain knows how to do it, but it just wont..
All those early sunday mornings swimming seemed wasted and money on swimming lessons seemed pointless.

My Physio gave me one of those sausage floats and placed it under my bum ''right were gonna work on your core strength if you just squat in the water but on the float'' apparently I ''did really well'' and my core is really strong. So thats good. The whole time I was doing what he said i'd looked at him and be like ''am I doing it right?'' I didn't want to get it wrong, My whole life depended on him, to teach me how to ''swim''.

I looked at him and really shyly asked if I was the youngest stroke patient, He knew I wanted him to say no but he just took a deep breath and replied ''Yeah you are, but strokes do happen to young people still as you know''
They kept calling me Elizabeth. I was like ''umm you can call me Lizzie, I don't mind.''

`We practiced walking around the pool, and balancing when the waters going 'crazy' with waves. That was quite fun. He said my core balance was really good, again I smiled and carried on walking around the pool.


We were only in their for 20 minutes but still, now I know I can last in a pool, and.. i'm still alive!
my biggest fear. I showered and got changed, ''`Do you need any help getting dressed?''
''No thank you, I can do it all by myself now''  Honestly there is no better feeling than being able to do something you couldn't before. I was so dependant on nurses and Occupational therapists before but now it's so bad that sometimes I forget which leg to put my splint on.