Speech & language therapy

My speech tone changed on the 10th of February thats it, 

I mix up words and struggle to say scentences.. 

"Wait does that make sense?"

Normally it does but I cant exactly stand up in a uni crit and ask that..

'Right elizabeth what is it you want to learn and gain from speech therapy?!'

*blank..*

Do I tell them that mum actually wants me to do this and im genuinely really unsure of how to answer this question because "I dont know if my answer makes sense"..

*sits up straight and looks confident*

"Personally I find emotions hard to process, I can't actually recognise when; someones joking, being sarcastic, angry, trying to help, complimenting me and so on.. 

Usual daily tasks what I could before 

I mean I laugh more than I should if someone tells a joke and everyone else starts laughing, just to fit in.. 

And we all know I probably look really odd, most of the day I don't actually understand the joke, when im alone with the person whos told me I turn and say "what did that mean?! Was I meant to laugh?" 

Lifes a blur, is that normal?! I also want to gain more confidence when talking to people, its stopped me making friends at uni because I really cannot be bothered to get odd looks and explain everything..

"Okay, we can help you"

"Lets start with some tests"..

I resulted back to feeling how I did in hospital; learning, developing, struggling, upset, sitting multiple exams..

"Okay, lets start!"

"Wait, was that rude?!"

*lizzie shut up*

We sat in a really pale boring looking dull room surrounded by clocks and computers..

I was facing two ladies who pulled out books that you'd show your toddler when teaching them how to speak.

*oh for christ sake, im now a child*

"Okay, can you tell me as many words/things you can think of that begin with the letter T"

*bloody hell..*

So I did...

"That was great!"

*I hope so because it wasn't exactly something I struggle with..*

"Okay now we need you to do some sums involving numbers.."

*lizzie why did you bunk maths all the time?!*

I looked at this long list of sums; times tables, adding up, subtracting and division..

I think...

I tried my best leaving my working out on the bottom on the page, thinking I looked really cool and intelligent.. 

"There you go! Done.."

*lizzie get rid of the smile they can tell its really fake..*

I did many more;

Telling them what pictures they showed me were; animals, clothing, numbers, symbols and so on..

"So what we can tell is that the right side of your brain is still very damaged, but we can help"

*oh bloody hell! Tell me something I don't know!*

Another phase of my recovery started..

I moaned to my mum about how 

"Im sick of recovery!"

"I fucking hate it!!" ...

*mum looks blank knowing she has to be honest*

"Liz, its something you have to do, you're getting better.. Youve had a huge brain injury"

"Lizzie you cant do that anymore"

You sit there and you watch them walk out for lunch after a lecture planning where to go for lunch, planning where to sit and what to eat.. 

Creating new groups and talking about going to drink at the bar..

"Liz stop, you cant do that anymore, you'll get to tired to come back to uni"

The smile from sitting through a three hour lecture  disappears..

And the memory returns of how unaware you thought you'd become of your disability..

Truth is, it will never go..

I will never wake up and be back to how I once was..

I might gain more strength and independence but ill never go back to how I once was..

You walk through the doors in the lecture theatre following the other students running down the stairs swiftly dodging tables to get a seat..

I hobble and watch their movements 

"Come on lizzie, learn how to do that.."

I trip and cant grab on.

"Are you okay? Do you need help?"

"No I'm fine, I need to learn.."

Thats my recovery..

Learning every single stage of life again, as if my whole brain shut down, 

"Stop fucking treating me like a 12 year old! Im 22!!"

(" liz you've had a brain injury you probably are mentally 12") my brain reminds me..

You walk to uni behind people also going in.. 

They cross the road before the green man, they run and reach the other side..

I stop, I look I get drivers stare at me confused probably wondering "why hasn't she fucking gone!"

I then walk across, slowly.. At my own pace, trying not to trip and focusing on how to look like the rest of you; can they see my splint?! 

Do they know I'm disabled?!

Who knows.. 

But you have to trust them just incase; you trip fall or have a seizure 

Because you have no choice 

Mum isn't close.. Physios aren't with you teaching you,

Doctors aren't behind ready to help.

These strangers are..

Faces I've never seen and probably never will again, but try so hard to be like..

You sit in lectures, people get out their MacBooks.. 

"Liz you cant carry yours to uni, its to heavy.. You can barely manage a notebook"

*sigh*

Its recovery, it takes a while..

 In Fact a lifetime, it drains your energy, makes you find trust in those you've never met, even before you've left the door, it makes you gain confidence but somehow swallow your emotions and capabilities of life whole, it creates an image of normality in your head, that part of doesn't actually work, it scares you and makes you depressed..

But yeah that's recovery and its here for life..

It may of gotten better and easier to deal with 

But when its hidden and confuses not only yourself but others you cant help but feel down, no matter what you're achieving..