"Lizzie you cant do that anymore"

You sit there and you watch them walk out for lunch after a lecture planning where to go for lunch, planning where to sit and what to eat.. 

Creating new groups and talking about going to drink at the bar..

"Liz stop, you cant do that anymore, you'll get to tired to come back to uni"

The smile from sitting through a three hour lecture  disappears..

And the memory returns of how unaware you thought you'd become of your disability..

Truth is, it will never go..

I will never wake up and be back to how I once was..

I might gain more strength and independence but ill never go back to how I once was..

You walk through the doors in the lecture theatre following the other students running down the stairs swiftly dodging tables to get a seat..

I hobble and watch their movements 

"Come on lizzie, learn how to do that.."

I trip and cant grab on.

"Are you okay? Do you need help?"

"No I'm fine, I need to learn.."

Thats my recovery..

Learning every single stage of life again, as if my whole brain shut down, 

"Stop fucking treating me like a 12 year old! Im 22!!"

(" liz you've had a brain injury you probably are mentally 12") my brain reminds me..

You walk to uni behind people also going in.. 

They cross the road before the green man, they run and reach the other side..

I stop, I look I get drivers stare at me confused probably wondering "why hasn't she fucking gone!"

I then walk across, slowly.. At my own pace, trying not to trip and focusing on how to look like the rest of you; can they see my splint?! 

Do they know I'm disabled?!

Who knows.. 

But you have to trust them just incase; you trip fall or have a seizure 

Because you have no choice 

Mum isn't close.. Physios aren't with you teaching you,

Doctors aren't behind ready to help.

These strangers are..

Faces I've never seen and probably never will again, but try so hard to be like..

You sit in lectures, people get out their MacBooks.. 

"Liz you cant carry yours to uni, its to heavy.. You can barely manage a notebook"

*sigh*

Its recovery, it takes a while..

 In Fact a lifetime, it drains your energy, makes you find trust in those you've never met, even before you've left the door, it makes you gain confidence but somehow swallow your emotions and capabilities of life whole, it creates an image of normality in your head, that part of doesn't actually work, it scares you and makes you depressed..

But yeah that's recovery and its here for life..

It may of gotten better and easier to deal with 

But when its hidden and confuses not only yourself but others you cant help but feel down, no matter what you're achieving..