"your progress has been remarkable, i've enjoyed watching it"

*shit shit shit oh god, my first tutorial with my course leader*
"Hello Elizabeth would you like to come in.."
"I'm so nervous because I'm scared I've failed the year"
*why did you say that he can tell you're nervous you're talking so fast and arrived 20 minutes early*

"Don't be silly, you've passed and regardless year one doesn't count towards your degree.."

*phew! You can stop the staring now Lizzie..*

"Is there anything you'd like to discuss about the year and any concerns"
"No not atall, I know I need my attendance to be better but that's all I can think of.."

On my progress and mark for my projects I've done this term it said about my attendance even though I'd given medical evidence of the hospital appointments I had on those days...

"We didn't mean it against you, you just need to try to come in everyday in year 2 and 3, the people who mark it are different and don't know your illness so don't worry"

" I know I need to try harder with my work as its not as good as other people's"
" Lizzie you're still recovering"
" yeah walking here and being here is basically my recovery "
"Well when I first saw you about returning you looked very ill and needed something to focus on"
"It's been so nice to watch and see you recover, we've all said about how you're getting on.."

" that's all for the talk and tutorial meeting as long as you're happy with your work"

slow down..

This time believe it or not the title isn't about me telling someone to walk slower..

In two years i've managed to overcome things I would of never achieved before the stroke, I won't even bore you by listing them because it's all I ever talk about..

When I was recovering at first I hated my life and wanted it to speed up
mum would hug me and dry away the tears of hating my life, wishing I was normal, complaining I was a freak and hating everyone for leaving me (which is normal....)

I have everything I ever wanted and much more than I ever thought i'd gain..
accept a hand..

It's so scary, focusing on goals that are so big and depend on the rest of your life,
Moving out
university
and so on..

It's all happened fast that it's scaring me,
the talks about
''what doors do you want easier access locks on??''
''Are you able to open the cooker?''

*Ugh I really don't know, I just want it to be sorted, isn't it just a door?!*..

everyone does and says so much and it's stuff I can't take in properly
even at uni, it's;
''right, do this, then that, then this..''
I get headaches on my right side only, in my head..
Is my brain adapting??
*please don't adapt to this crazy world of constant movement and stress*

*Liz come on, you wanted to be ''normal''*

I keep telling myself to stop overthinking..
*Liz, maybe you rushed back and rushed everything to quick*...

I don't want to be where i was in 2014; stressed, unhappy, scared, ILL and more importantly too selfish to understand my body was failing.

I still forget so much, I have a whole 'notes' page on my phone of things i've seen during the day that I won't remember in the evening.. just to tell people ''funny things''

*Are they really funny though liz?*

I look around every time I actually get a break to try to analyse this world and where I belonged to be for so long,
hiding in the anxiety and fears of anything dangerous, repeating in my head that i've achieved more than the person frowning at my hand across the road would..

I don't want this feeling forever
and I don't want my brain to shut down, again

I just want to feel calm, in this 'normal' world i've reached (strange goal of mine as of 2014)
* Liz, you wanted this normal life*

Leaving my nest

I call it my nest as I'm like a baby bird flying for the first time, leaving her family and venturing on with life, I've always lived with my parents, when I was 10 my mum and dad split up and I remember being so excited to have two houses to stay at, I never really considered how difficult it would be seeing them settling without each other..

I've been living with my mum and step dad who've supported me through most things life throws at me and I'm sure you all know, that it's a lot..

''Liz, you'll get lonely sometimes..''
*i know! Jesus please stop reminding me..*

*ooo look, house decorations*

I've viewed my flat and I'm viewing it for the last time today before I get the keys, I'm so excited.

" I want everything to be new mum, nothing passed down!"
"Liz, it's not that easy, everything I got was from the house clearance of my mum"

Everyone's started the whole "accept help when it's offered you'll need it.." Again
You know the whole leaving hospital and adapting to life and needing help with everything!

I take it out on the people I love and support me the most, yes that's my mum and step dad (Liam's got off lightly)...

My brain is very OCD when I have a plan I have to do it, that's my direction, my goal and my aim..

I know deep down I'll need the help (everyone does)


I've ordered so much!
I mean I'm one of those crazy house addicts

"Liz you don't need it all now!"

*urgh just stop Liz don't kick off*
The image of my aim appears
"Mum! I have the money now and I want to get it all incase I spend it on crap"

I keep showing Liam and my mum pictures of; new sofas, kettles and random crap like those quote signs that you just hang up, they get dusty and you think "why did I buy that when I need food??"
Obviously Liam's the typical guy " yeah that's nice.."
Like when you drag them into shops and they say that for everything you try on!
Mum gets my determination to buy everything so she gets it..

Learning to budget is stressful, I'm so bad at budgeting money, if you saw my wardrobe and bank statements you'd know...

When I move in it'll be summer holidays so I'll be all alone in a flat I hardly know.. Yes I'm terrified I'm anxious and I have nightmares about getting so lonely I'll be depressed..

It reminds me of when I left hospital and could only sit on the sofa, desperate to leave and see the world, start my journey of life..

Now it's come it's scary,
It's like when you're 15 and keep saying "Urgh I can't wait till I'm 18 or 21!!"

Just to be able to get into clubs and feel older..
It's so over rated.


It's adapted to my needs but it's still scary..

So here's to the start of my new journey

My life, my future and my recovery in some aspects
(Writing that last bit made me well up)

My disability won't stop me

"Okay Lizzie let's call it a day, you must be tired"
*just let me decide when I'm tired*
"No, I'm fine I want to get the work done"

I carry on...

arm swings out smacking the door...
*urgh god sake!*
I grab it to hold it tight checking no one saw the sezuire happen...

I try my hardest to stay at uni 10-4 sometimes I don't last but recently I do...

My fatigue won't stop me and my epilepsy won't beat me
Because that's what I need to improve on..

I might not walk as well or be able to use my arm and hand but I'm coping and that's all that matters.

*okay Lizzie come on your alarms gone off..*
I sigh in my head making sure I have everything ready to get dressed..
As it still takes time.

I used to sit there feeling sorry for myself and wishing my life would change, constantly being told I'll improve and I won't be how I was at that point of time forever
Pushing the comments aside feeling like I'm never going to get any better.

I'm moving on with my life, improving my recovery and doing this by setting myself my own goals, no longer letting people tell me what to do and how I should do it.

I'll carry on and I'll prove to everyone I can and will do it.

Independence and goals

You see people tweeting and sharing Instagram photos of skinny women or relationship pictures quoting 'goals'..

My goals: 2014 

learn to walk
get my arm/hand back
be happy
smile always
regain strength
stop stress
relax
be healthy
try harder
go back to university
move out

After a stroke as i've said and learnt you need to gain independence and become yourself to the best ability you can, accepting your disability.
Its hard
Learning to walk and coping with life was hard.
You learn to cope and get on as you can...

My life still has ups and downs

My goals: 2016

complete and pass year one as I didn't manage this before (TICK)
passed and completed; all work, every lecture, essay, tutorials and practicals.

Move into my OWN place (flat or house) TICK
I found out i've been accepted for a flat i viewed recently, ground floor as I still have mobility issues.
moving in date: beginning of may...

Be healthier and stronger TICK
I've lost nearly a stone since january, I started the gym and walk a lot more (thanks to the fitbit)


Every year will consist of different 'goals' but i've achieved my main ones..


This is a short blog post mainly because it's just an update of my recovery..

Keep calm and carry on..

I'm keeping as calm as I can get, two years on from my stroke;

I take every trip or fall as a reason to focus on walking slower and I never though I'd say that,
I take every morning as a reason to get up and go, it's been taken away once before and I won't let my fatigue stop me.
I take every opportunity to carry on with my days however long they may be,
My life is a roller coaster constantly going through tunnels of crazy thoughts just like the scene in the original willy wonka;
Exciting, scary, interesting and sometimes confusing
I take my hardest to focus on everything my life throws at me; absent sezuires, headaches, a tight affected hand, my splint rubbing, my fatigue and my anxiety.

"How do you cope Lizzie?"
*oh god really?! Lizzie just be honest*
"It's hard but you just need to keep calm"

I still meet people who ask what's happened to me and still get the
"But you're so pretty and young!"
*oh come on..*
"That doesn't stop things like this happening but thank you"

I started the gym about 3 weeks ago, the last time I tried I was; too vulnerable, too weak and my epilepsy was bad, I thought I'd take my holiday in May to focus on getting stronger, it's my first holiday since my stroke without my mum.. It's an odd feeling but you've got to try new things
After a stroke it's full of testing yourself, your capabilities, finding out what you can and can't do (I'm sure sunbaving will be fine).

I have two programmes for the gym for when I'm tired and when I'm okay to carry on..

I think I need to try harder with my recovery and building muscle will help ( not looking manly)
I get stares but I carry on..

I look forward to my future as everyday is different

I can't see out of the corner of my right eye ( I only realised this when Liam tried talking to me standing on my right side and I couldn't see him)  but I keep it as a reason to look forward and just get on with life, living everyday like its my last because you never know what's around the corner..

So I'm keeping calm and carrying on...