Our Second visit

As I enter the ward I get this sense of unease, the door was closed. A lady in a wheelchair waiting to leave, to escape,  I remember my goal was to walk out of those doors, the nurses wheeled her back towards the beds, those uncomfortable blue mattresses with a function of being able to adjust the back, you can sit up or lay down,
How fun..
You're confined to these beds day in day out, watching the world go by, seeing people coming in and leaving you with a sense of loneliness, you question yourself
'why me?'
'Why can't I be the visitor?'

A man being guided by two physiotherapists walked out of the doors, so brave and so strong. His face lights up, his arm in a splint, when you have a stroke you get given some awful thing to keep your hand open.. so uncomfortable but all they can provide you with.
He swung his leg and looked to the physio, tried to speak and struggled as he couldn't.
All you can do is smile, he noticed my arm and looked at me..
you feel at home around other stroke survivors, you get the sense of 'normality'

He turned to the stair case on his left,
'Right leg up'..
The physio holds his functional arm,
He try's to lift his leg and step on the stairs, his own way..
How 'normal' people do it, how everyone else does, and how he probably did once apon a time.
'Right stop, not like that..'
He's so determined, trying to feel normal and probably  like his old self..

I walk through the doors with that heart dropping feeling, into the dayroom, somewhere I never wanted to go..
you feel like you just need to be in bed, your safe place, you're to tired to want to watch television, it took me a month to even look in a mirror at my face, to understand how I looked..
I could feel the face dropping but viewing the eye the mouth and the smile myself was harder than expected.
'Take it away!'
I hated my face at that point, now I'm used to it as it improves..

We all sit down, a physio smiles at me, he's lovely and he was the first person to teach me to stand.

'I have a family meeting at 3'
We sit down pitching our ideas for the mural..

*we can't go over the time*
I remembered how important family meetings were, you could be one step closer to going home to your normality. Recovering at your own pace.

I used the toilet that's off the long corridor attached to the wards,

Looking to my left I see the shower stools they use, I remember the first time I needed a wee in the stroke ward (probably day three) my mum wheeled me in, lifting me from the waist she held me as I sat down.. a high toilet that was so low to me at the time.
I remember her face as she looked at me watching me wee for the first time in years.

I still remember the nurses watching you shower, telling you how to wash and stand in the shower.

My day was so emotional but giving back to a ward that helped me is the best feeling.