Growing up

I never thought I'd be so excited for a bathroom to be refurbished, this week my 'shower room' ( as I don't have a bath) is being decorated with a new shower sink & so on..

"Do you need another hand rail in the shower?"
I decided on having one due to making sure I'm safe as I still get clonus.

"Do you need a high toilet seat?"
This time no, its much easier to sit down & stand up independently.

My beautiful brain
Making adult choices.

The floor.

Today was a milestone in my recovery as I taught myself how to stand up off the floor,

Something I do need to do while leaning on something but I couldn't do this a few months ago..

The strength of my knees is stronger and my ankle as without my AFO standing up off the floor can be difficult.

My beautiful brain
Reaching milestones.

Sleep.

I wanted to blog about how getting enough sleep helps prevent my seizures & helps my brain recover..

My epilepsy nurse (who discharged me the other day!!) encourages sleep for obvious reasons..

Getting enough sleep helps. Fatigue gets better so falling asleep voluntarily can be difficult.
*is my brain tired or is it fatigue?*

My beautiful brain
Sleeping to recover.

My stroke of courage.

I always get comments like - "you're so brave" and when I reflect on my recovery it does take a lot of courage..

Sometimes I find myself letting go of my arm & holding my head high enough for my walking to seem strong..

"You can't even tell"
People will say anything to make your confidence stronger, it does help but can get annoying.

I'm capable of everything those without a disability can do,  just a bit slower & with courage.

My beautiful brain
Brave, strong & recovering
'Since 2014'

A lost brain.

I didnt know what to title this post but im writing about my memory improving..

People still ask "do you remember?" & remind me of certain events..

My memory is slowly but surely coming back,
I used to only remember bad memories:
Lost friends
The stroke
Things that should be forgotten..

But my memory is fine,

My beautiful brain
Yes I do remember, dont remind me of a bad memory..

Living with epilepsy.

"I thought you were dancing, cutting some shapes!"
"You poor thing it must be awful"
"You should be careful next time, its not nice to witness!"
"Oo you scared me, I had no idea what to do"

Just a few comments from witnesses of my worse kind of seizure - *grand mal*

Epilepsy isnt a choice you make infact if I could I'd only live with my disability & cure the epilepsy..

Its difficult to trust people you're with due to anxiety -
"Will they know how to help me?"
But telling people scares them away -
"I do have epilepsy, but its controlled!"
A look of worry from my recent job interview..

The feeling after is exhaustion, stress, pain & the feeling of dissapointment.
*Bloody hell, now everyone will assume I've not controlled my brain*

You get scared but I get hurt.

My beautiful brain
Dealing with epilepsy.

Learning to swim..

As we made friends and the pool had a slope to walk into, I decided "Im gonna do this".

Naomi and Liam held my arm as I took a slow walk into the pool, I had to wear my splint and shoes so my feet were stable.

But - I got into a swimming pool, bobbing along and going under water..

My beautiful brain
Exhausted from training my brain.

Balance

Something I haven't written about for a while is my balance.

I still wear an AFO but; standing walking and climbing is so much easier, I've taught myself how to use a new cardio machine at the gym which allows me to bend my left knee and balance when coming on and off the machine.

My beautiful brain
Balancing.

Don't define me.

At first it was all about my stroke
 -  being on the radio and so on..

I found that as a young person it made me self centred meaning I lost the people I called friends..

It sets you back, it makes you more upset as you focus only on the 'bad times'

My beautiful brain
No longer labelling myself.

Its a brain injury

Brain Injuries last a lifetime, some would say 'unfortunately'.

You learn to adapt to your brain injury; *in my case* -
The seizures
The random outbursts
Those forgetful moments
The random crying or laughing

But when you realise your brain is learning and growing in size, it's the best feeling!

I try to think of my headaches as my brain growing in size, this is because I get headaches if I've done something & possibly trained my brain.

My beautiful brain.

Determination

Determination doesn't and definitely didn't come easy to me, the main part of recovery is to be determined motivated and strong enough to cope..

Remember recovery is a life long thing.
As bad as it may feel the thrill of realising your strength will make you so proud.

My beautiful brain
Determined to recover.

Positive vibes

Only having positive thoughts is helpful & motivating towards my recovery and makes me a 'nicer person to be around' -

Straight after my stroke I found myself moaning alot and probably a very unpleasant person to be near. ( those who've followed my blog will notice the dramatic change)

Getting through the hard times was very tough & believe me I still get down days..

But since; waking up early, joining the gym & reflecting on how far I have come..

And you know the best part? -
how far I can still go.

My beautiful brain
Positive vibes only.

Goal complete

I still need to set goals for my recovery as motivation is important & learning to be patient will be beneficial in the future.

It sounds really strange as a goal but its 'to watch films I used to love' *very fun goal*
Wizard of OZ was the first one & there will be more..

Its to help with the emotional stability after a stroke (crying over ridiculous things)

My beautiful brain
Setting new goals

Exercise & recovery

Im focusing on cardio strength to build my muscle, stamina and help with my epilepsy..

Something that I was told was "if you have epilepsy going to the gym is dangerous"
In some ways yes it is but ive found that exercising has helped my seizures and recovery..

I become really motivated and positive after the gym - but you'd need to experience a gym workout to understand :)

My beautiful brain
As its own personal trainer.

Moving arm.

People always assume my left arm is broken, due to the position it rests in - bent upwards and never down by my side.

I can lift straighten and bend my left arm so I guess you could say 'its not paralysed' anymore..

I never thought I'd be able to do the things I can now.. but as I've always said 'recovery is a life-long thing'

My beautiful brain
Still recovering, slowly in confidence and with independence..

Not a 'stroke survivor'

"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humour and some style" - Maya Angelou

Theres this term that people whove suffered a stroke tend to class themselves as
'Stroke survivors' putting themselves in a category of whats happened to them.
Forever reminding themselves of a time in their life they despise.

Whenever I see people tweeting who've suffered a stroke its like they've 'been accepted' but in my eyes I want to be confident in how far I have come & how far I will go.

Not to be classed as surviving, but to focus on life.

My beautiful brain
Being me

Things 'professionals' don't prepare you for..

I put ' around professionals because so many doubted my recovery & judged me on how I was in hospital.

Leaving hospital is the worst part -
You've had visitors and help but when you set foot in your front door you brake.
You're back in the real world.

People dont stay -
I clung onto my stroke
'Stroke survivor'
Changing my instagram to inform everyone I was brave, because thats all I was told in hospital.

People dont stay-
Friends or relationships dont care they just miss the old you.

You need confidence -
I needed confidence for small things like getting in my shower or waking up & being tired and self concious.

Railings make you scared -
*Oh my god why is there railings everywhere!* "Mum they dont match your house, they're too new" when do I try not to use them?

Your brain injury affects everything -
Saying stuff you're thinking is uncontrollable and people around you wont understand.

Your memory is affected -
Lists of what I need or plan to do has filled my shelves, 'dont need that anymore but its a memory'

People belittle you -
Im sitting in a disabled seat because I'm disabled, but I shouldnt need to explain why for their sympathy.

No one recovers 100% -
*When will I be able to do that again?*
Everyones recovery is so different. I spent months googling 'stroke recovery' so I could compare myself to others, this made me feel worse than seeing girls in heels & my old friends enjoying themselves.

Your family is affected more than you -
They've seen you change and need to accept how dramatic it is, accepting you cant do certain things.

My beautiful brain
Telling the truth.

"Cant do that"

Ive always said that ill try my best and see if I can do certain things.

But after a stroke paralysed or not you become weak.
Remember your muscle has gone, your brain has been through trauma so the strength may not be there..
(anymore)

I see gym workouts;
Jumping jacks
Push ups
Running

I see those and just know I cant do that,
I mean there's a limit and those would be too much for me.

My beautiful brain
Creating my own workouts.

Walking

This is probably my 5th 'walking' blog post
But I suppose it's a main factor of my recovery.

My walking gate does have bad days but when I take it slow it's really Good!

I do swing my leg mainly when I'm tired,

My walking will only ever get better just like my brain, and I still wear my AFO - a splint to support my drop foot.

My beautiful brain
Walking with style.

Fatigue

So how is my fatigue? - so much better in terms of waking up & feeling fresh..

I found that sticking to a regular sleep routine really helps
 (Liam does it too)

I don't really 'lay in' due to my epilepsy medication needing to be taken early.

*Okay brain lets not have seizures today..*

Fatigue is probably the hardest thing I delt with after my stroke.

*why am I ALWAYS tired?*


My beautiful brain
Beating the fatigue.

My stroke of motivation.

It takes me so long to actually motivate myself and I know it's due to the brain injury..

Recently I've started back at the gym, gaining confidence & strength in my left arm and knee.

Motivation is a struggle since my stroke with the fact that sometimes I'll 'over do it'

Not stopping and realising my body needs to rest.

My beautiful brain
Motivating myself.

Don't expect much help..

After my stroke when returning home it was adapting my mum's house
A neuropsychologist who basically put me down
6 weeks of physio & occupational therapy..

When it all came to a stop I was left feeling broken, depressed and unable to accept the change my body had gone through..

My recovery has been difficult but I realised recovery is mostly done on your own.
Learning to walk how I wanted to walk
Showering in a way I wanted to wash
Setting goals I knew were achievable and possible.

Joining a gym and being the person I wanted to be.

And realising family is a main factor of how far you have come

Recovery is a life long process & a brain injury is for life something they don't tell you.

But they don't teach you that you need to put in perspective - what's real life & how important recovery is. - there is no such thing as 'recovering 100%'

My beautiful brain
Being honest & smashing recovery.

My stroke of confidence..

"I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but it will be worth it" - my mum

"Liz, in 6 months time you'll be even better" - Nan.

Something I was never taught in hospital was how to be confident.
 Being wheeled around, sat in bed or hidden behind a curtain tied to machines.

Standard procedure but bloody horrific!

I've found that gaining confidence has made my brain heal quicker.

"Liz please stop holding you're arm be proud of who you are and what you have been through" - Liam

It is difficult but be strong & hold your head high. You can do this!

My beautiful brain
Smashing the confidence knock my stroke caused..

My stroke of positivity..

it’s not all bad, I mean..

- “You’re coping well considering you’ve got these problems”
- “Will your hand come back?"
- "You can't even tell"
- "You look really well!"

You get used to these comments after you realise life isn't really that bad
despite the bad days.

people only say stupid things because they think it's
'a nice thing to say'

Life can be tough but you learn to deal with it.

*shut up brain, I'm alive and walking*

Positivity is difficult to have,
I'm not saying i'm all smiley and never cry

But..

My beautiful brain
seeing a positive in everyday
No one is perfect.

Listen to your body..

I mean my brain isn’t exactly perfect, still beautiful & unique.

I have bad days & good days
*Lizzie you’re too tired DONT get out of bed and stay in for the day*

My body can become exhausted and drained..

I’d never let anyone down but I’ve learnt to listen to my body..

From experience & the bad days..

I suppose you wonder,
 “what the f*ck is a bad day, you’re just being lazy”

My knee aches, I feel sick, I’m exhausted or yes I’ll admit genuinely can’t be bothered to go out..

If I could give you/anyone advice it’d be..

“Listen to your body, your brain will try to force you”
But don’t overdo it.. you don’t want too many bad days.

My beautiful brain
Clearly having a good day :)
Yay.

Toddler stage.

I’d be lying if I said you ‘don’t go through the milestones in life’ once you suffer a brain injury.

I find myself asking questions, Day In day out.

“So what’s that?”
“These houses are the coolest! I love houses built in the 50’s”
“What was this like years ago?”

Literally like a child, I could binge on documentaries all day..

Finding out anything & everything (sometimes forgetting)

The toddler stage is a positive stage, learning, gaining motivation & wanting to
DO EVERYTHING!
But then not doing it..


My beautiful brain
Curious and learning

Ask questions and enjoy the toddler stage because you’re only going to get older.

Work..

”So what will you do now?”..

The majority of not all people don’t realise my; fatigue, stamina & memory is still affected therefore I need to build these up!

I am ‘working’ in pilgrims hospice charity shop as my experience before stroke was retail..
Fenwicks
Monsoon/ accessorize
Next
Nasons’s
Edinburgh woollen mill

I’m working on the tills and Wednesdays doing window displays..
Mainly to get experience with design and social skills

vintage tea party

 Football theme

“Hi how are you?!”
I respond finally..

My knee aches when I stand for to long and I still struggle with bad days..

But!

My beautiful brain
Gaining experience:)

Ps - look how many bloody jobs I had pre stroke!

Injecting..

Recently I’ve changed my medication
 (chemotherapy) due to personal reasons but also because hydroxycarbamide is quite strong &
MY BLOOD PLATELETS ARE PERFECT!!

I now take interferon which means injecting myself, don’t get me wrong I was begging Liam to do it but he chose to make me do it independently..
“You need to be strong about it”

I’m used to it now but won’t be a nurse anytime soon!

I wanted to let you keep up with my recovery, this involves medication changes

My beautiful brain
Coping with interferon
:)

Farewell

You enter a building to stay or to continue to return, entering UCA today and collecting my major project with Annabel wasn’t quite like the other times..

“This is the last time we’re going to be here”

I wandered to the toilets and gazed up at the grey walls that’d kept me safe since 2013.
The times I had new artistic ideas & couldn’t wait to start my sketchbook.
The nerves running through my body as I was about to have a tutorial
“Will my tutor like my idea?!”


This was different, we prepared to leave by carrying all our degree show work and left..
Students saying bye as they left with their artwork, all positive because they’d achieved something.
Now they have to carry the; books, final pieces & paperwork.
Mine? A poster rolled up with images of my brain scan, a thing that bought me here.


My beautiful brain
Leaving UCA..

New goals

I've always been one to worry and overthink. Which I think was the reason for my seizures
Stress anxiety & panic. I’ve been calm recently which has made my seizures almost stop..

I’ve set new goals for my future:
Gym to gain strength
Be positive
Sort out my medication
Volunteer more to help my cv & fatigue

Before university it was:
Walk
University
Get my hand back

But now it’s realistic what is ‘doable’ and what is better for my recovery

My beautiful brain
Setting new goals

The big day..

Three years leads up to the whole hat throwing, big smiles & the ceremony,
This day was something I never expected, As me mum Liam and my step dad arrived at the royal festival hall (the people who had been there for me)

Surrounded by students, so many people who’d completed three years of; stress, money, debt, anger & tears.
Mine?
A goal..

Me & Annabell qued for the photos
“I can’t use my other hand so how do I hold the scroll?”
The photographer helped me pose..

I knew I had to walk down the long red carpet to collect my certificate so I avoided the alcohol pre ceremony.

As I was seated at the end of the aisle to make it easier for me, We were escorted one row at a time, our names called..

“ ‘BA Honours Graphic Design’ - Elizabeth George Ashmore-Fish”
I was first to walk, I looked down to make sure I didn’t trip, head held high with a smile when I shook the chancellors hand
“thankyou”
I wanted to turn and do a speech about how nothing is impossible..

My heart racing, as I waited for the ceremony to end I wanted to cry..
the speeches of
 “you’ve all achieved so much” my heart sunk & I had flash backs of -

Sitting in my hospital bed feeling depressed and hopeless, my neuropsychologist telling me I wouldn’t return, my old friends ditching me because I wasn’t the same & the interviews I attended at Canterbury college when I thought I wouldn’t return to university.

I held in the tears and smiled, the stress is gone and I’m still here, my walking was actually better than some of the students who wore stupid shoes & tried showing off.

Life is full of challenges & recovery is for life but nothing is impossible.

My beautiful brain
Walking the red carpet,

 at graduation.

Pre graduation..

I’ve been nervous for some time, questioning my tutor
“But do I have to walk upstairs and down in front of people?!”

I think only my mum and Liam understands the anxiety behind stairs; slow, clonus knee and well..
My disability!

Tonight I used fake tan for the first time in ages , painted my nails/had shellac done
‘I am a woman!’ and like Liam says- “it’s once in a lifetime event, be proud”

Continuously trying my dress on -
‘ted baker’ can I point out.

My beautiful brain
Nervous to collect the fake certificate on stage.

No more chemo!

According to Doctors and haematologists the cause of my stroke was;
Essential thrombocythemia..

But the good news is no more chemo! - hydroxycarbamide
(For other reasons aswell)

But my blood count is perfect! And I couldn’t be happier, due to the fact the condition causes blood clots..

“We don’t want you to have another stroke”

My beautiful brain
Battling a serious illness

I still have a brain injury..

personally I class a brain injury as a disability, however those who don’t know me;
Can’t tell, don’t understand and those who know me;
Forget..
“But you seem fine”

A brain injury is a serious ‘disability’ especially when; I’m on my own and I forget stuff, or have a seizure..
However the brain fog is improving..

You try to hide it, you try SO hard..

I wouldn’t say you pretend to be ‘okay’ but deep down you show the best version of you.

However sometimes it’s not the best idea. Others need to; understand you still struggle, and actually the brain injury is the worst disability after a stroke/ when you live with epilepsy.

My beautiful brain
Dealing with a brain injury

Now they’ve seen it..

last night was the private viewing of everyone’s final pieces at university..
I was SO nervous that my left leg wasn’t participating through the night (shaking and swinging)

But it’s cool I’m chilled..
Because everyone/ the majority of the campus had seen my work, my video or film
*whatever it is*
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3mL758qh0dE

So the disability was ‘fine’ I was proud, proud of my achievements & how far I’ve come..

“If you’d told me you wanted to achieve a 2.1 two years ago I’d of said it’s impossible” - says my tutor.

BLIMEY, my goal is achieved and I’m stronger than before.

The girl who sat in the hospital bed questioning life and the strength she has.

My beautiful brain
Confident, string & recovering.
Ps: the leg is participating now!


https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3mL758qh0dE

2:1!

When I first suffered my stroke I never even imagined I’d see the outside of my university let alone return..

I remember when I came home from hospital and the neuropsychologist asked what ‘my goals are’

Walk
University

I can’t really remember the rest because I suppose those two are the most important.

“Well university won’t be happening anytime soon if at all, your cognitive skills aren’t strong enough”

I remember crying and just wanting this stranger to leave..
(I started university one year after my stroke)


Three long years of university..

We received our final grades!
“I GOT A 2:1!”
people smile and congratulate me, I still don’t understand why.



My beautiful brain
That completed university
63%.

Being young with a disability.

As you all know I became ‘disabled’ at the age of 20..

‘disabled’ -
You are officially classed as something that you don’t get taught at school..

I mean it’s the judgemental; stares, comments and probably curious people that aren’t aware of your ‘condition’

*Stop staring at me, I’m capable of living a healthy and easy life*

It’s mainly elderly people that stare..
They are probably curious.
But it’s really uncomfortable - “I think even if I didn’t need my splint I’d still wear it, so people knew I had a disability”
My limitations show on the bad days..
After all, I am recovering still..


My beautiful brain
Living a positive life even though I am ‘disabled’

Epilepsy..

Something the ‘doctors’ dont tell you is that being diagnosed with epilepsy is really common after a stroke.
I suffered my first seizure probably a year after..

tonic clonic - (grand mal)
Meaning my whole body jerks and stiffens, usually I’m unconscious which I’m grateful for due to the aftermath of how a seizure can affect you..

So far I’d say I’ve had about 5 of these
 (lack of sleep, stress and mum would say: “Liz your sugar level is low!!”)

Myoclonic seizure - ‘left arm jerk’
Liam calls it “a goo goo” my arm flicks outwards and my eyes roll, these are distressing as I’m awake & can be walking sitting or sleeping.

When you see someone suffering a seizure
Lay them on their left side ‘recovery position’
No matter how hard it is or upsetting it may seem as there could be; blood & a lot of flem,
Keep them safe & comfortable..

My beautiful brain
Educating those about my epilepsy & possibly epilepsy in general.

:)

Standing your ground.

When I suffered my stroke I lost and gained..
The worst was family, no longer close enough to make contact or effort.

I learnt from loosing friends who I thought ‘would last a lifetime’ I’m slowly learning to give up on the vulnerability and be strong enough to say enough is enough.

My beautiful brain
Not wasting its energy.
Good riddance & hello to positivity.

“And what is your biggest achievement”

“What grade did you get?”
We all waited anxiously for weeks to find out our grades..
secretly we knew we’d passed.

I was going to get my mum to check mine to avoid any disappointment
BUT!
67% in black & white (B)
My highest ever grade, meaning I’ll graduate I think with a
2:1

So watch this space for my graduation photos ;)

My beautiful brain
Nervous to graduate..

So, will your hand come back?

Something I get asked ALL the time by people I meet first time
And it’s actually quite an uncomfortable question because honestly I don’t know

How awkward..
As a stroke survivor we don’t know ‘what’s going to come back’
The hand is usually the slowest..

I mean just think about ALL the; ligaments, tendons and everything else in the fingers..
after all I do have 5!

I wasn’t thrombolysed so the blood clot is still there.

My beautiful brain
Avoiding the awkward hand question.

The swing.

Again a massive confidence knock back
BUT
Remember
*people are just curious*
And I need to stop assuming what others think when they stare..

This is something that’s taken years!

The swing means my left leg,
When I walk my gateway isn’t ‘perfect’
No one is perfect.

I find that my swing can get worse when I’m really tired, which can cause my walking to become a bit strange
*Liz, you’re unique!*

My beautiful brain
Bring unique.

Fatigue.

After a stroke you get ‘fatigued’

My brain is still recovering and being tired for me is an extreme thing.
Fatigue is completely different to just ‘being tired’

“Liz remember the bad days”

There’s days where I’m so fatigued I literally want to just sleep..

Others may assume I’m lazy.

Today I completed 9-1 at pilgrims hospice, I am exhausted!
No doubt tomorrow I’ll be in bed.


My beautiful brain
Battling fatigue.

Avoiding the lift..

That’s a bloody workout on its own

The lady looked at me really confused..

I laughed.

I was taught this thinking process that’s 

To not assume you know what others are thinking

So far it’s working..

*its 10am the days just begun*

I’ll give it a week ;)

We’ve all taken a cheeky lift ride, lazy tired or just can’t be bothered of the long flight of steps.. 

I, try to avoid the lift when I’m at the gym 

*Lizzie you need a full workout!*

It’s going well so far..

Again, it’s 10am.

My beautiful brain

Avoiding the lift..

After University..

I suppose you’re all thinking
“So what is she going to do now?”

I still have a disability so I have to put myself first in terms of fatigue and coping if I had a job..

I’m volunteering again at pilgrims hospice because it’s something that will
‘Give me motivation’
And also build on my CV because at this point in time my greatest achievement will be
‘BA Honours’ and completing university,
I mean I can’t exactly put
‘Learnt to walk after a major stroke’ hire me please.
Alongside a lot of retail experience..

You can view my portfolio online to see all my hard work through the years..

My beautiful brain
Adapting to change.


https://eashmore.myportfolio.com/work

The Film..

And I suppose I never knew I’d be where I am today, never knew I’d be at university and definitely never thought I’d of even passed year two.

“Come watch my film!!”
I stepped back and took a deep breath.

Shit this is it. This is me.
No lies, no one telling me what to say or how to say it..

People who supported me and have been there.

All in one film.
On one screen
As a final project.
 On display for the public to see & tutors to assess.

My beautiful brain.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3mL758qh0dE

Enjoy..

The last hand in.

There comes a time in everyone’s life where you do something for the last time,
I guess for ‘us’ it was handing in a project at university.

As we anxiously waited so long to hand in this project that has caused us; pain, stress and heartache for some.
We weren’t as happy as we thought.

“I thought I’d be happier than this” - Meg
“Now we have to wait until our final grade..” - Annabell

We just sat there and waited for the tutor to locate where our projects would be displayed.

Mine? In a room..

My life ‘story’ for everyone to see, my own version of what actually happened to me.

My beautiful brain
Signing a form
For the last hand in.

My way or the high way..

Ok so I thought of calling this ‘learning to adapt’.

Because painting my nails and doing my makeup were goals in hospital..

I place the nail brush head in my mouth (the end without the varnish) and paint my right hand slowly,
“That’s cool!” Replies Liam
*oh I know* ;) I taught myself..
“Mum I painted my nails look.. did get a bit high off the fumes though”

Being a young stroke survivor has its challenges and goals that not many will understand

But you learn and adapt.
Which some may disagree with and I will agree to disagree with you.


My beautiful brain
With lilac nails :)

My stroke of strength

These blog posts are titled like this due to trying to create a positive outlook on my recovery - for myself and others to realise.
You can recover!

I have started using different arm strengthening machines in the gym as my shoulder is still quite weak -
Arm cycle
*come on left arm, push it, pull it! Bloody hell!*
Hand looses grip..
Rowing machine
Now I’m not saying I’m a pro but I’m quite fast..

I can straighten and lift weights too!

My beautiful brain
Gaining strength in my arm.

*next goal, a punch bag!*

My stroke of confidence.

Confidence -
“The telling of private or secret matters with mutual trust.”

I was never taught how to be confident in hospital, or independent..
but it’s the main thing that people have suggested I ‘regain’ to be me.

What is confidence?

I guess it’s different for everyone especially people who haven’t had a stroke, but I know what my confidence is..

Walking into a room of paramedics and telling ‘my story’
Walking into a gym with others and using machines and accepting that I’m not capable of doing certain things they can.
Accepting that I have a physical disability and holding my head high
Achieving my goals and finishing university

Funnily enough walking in general is confidence to me.

What’s yours?

My beautiful brain
Being confident.

My stroke of motivation

motivation is such a tough ‘thing’ to achieve.

And for me it’s quite difficult to motivate myself to ‘get up and go’
When I first suffered my stroke I lost all motivation to do anything, but it’s normal because of how low I felt..

Today I finally went to the gym! I know I know, I’ve still had myoclonic seizures I shouldn’t be going but..

I need to ‘get up and go!’ And I’m going on holiday soon..

You need the confidence to go to the gym which is something I needed to regain aswell as the motivation *next blog post! Watch this space*

My beautiful brain
Returning to the gym.

‘You look really well’

maybe it’s the way I’m walking or just the way I’m presenting myself
But recently people have said I look really well.

I’ve started questioning this comment due to curiousity
*what is well?*
“I suppose it’s the way you’re positive and maybe how you’re so polite” my doctor replied..

I mean, I’m in a good place, a place I never thought I’d be and a position I never imagined I’d see.


My beautiful brain
Positive and recovering
And enjoying CBT. (Weirdly)

Graduation outfit

I remember the time I bought my prom outfit and I spent £30 in river island on some tacky dress..

This time I went all out on some expensive ted baker dress because its such a big day.

The best feeling I think was the man almost refusing to let my mum into the changing room to help me get into the dress.

I still need help, and like mum said
‘it’s so expensive, you don’t want to ruin it’
Which I think she only said to make me feel better..

We set goals to ‘not snap’ we agreed on ‘what I’d accept help with’ and what I wouldn’t,

Argumentative stability I suppose

My beautiful brain
Accepting help
And an extra hand.
No pun intended..

It’s all in your head..

‘Counsellors say’..
being depressed is just a cycle and your own thoughts constantly repeating themselves, going round and round in your head, after all ‘you’ve been through a hell of a lot!’

I knew the project I was doing for university was going to be really difficult -
Opening up the past, interviewing my family and finding out things I never knew about; myself, how I was, the way I treated people and the way that a stroke affects the family..
Mentally & physically.

University was my goal, just like walking and I’m nearly at the end and I couldn’t be happier. But I’m not proud, I cant seem to be proud of my achievements..

Predicted a 2:1 to me just seems shit..
I received 59% in my dissertation which was the same as my friend and I was really shocked but I’ve always compared myself to others.

I set goals still but I guess it’s coming to the end & having to start counselling due to a project is really tough

My beautiful brain
Struggling but trying to cope.

The next step..

I realised that I needed to reflect on my recovery and even though I despised being in hospital they did help me..

Plan

Try

Think

And the main thing;

Set goals!

I wake up everyday *obviously* and recently I’ve decided to start setting myself a goal for everyday. todays was,

Join the gym!

This was a huge step for me due to the seizures, but I finally did it!

Next step

Actually go..

Wish me luck 

My beautiful brain

And the summer body to be..

subluxed shoulder..

“A partial or incomplete dislocation that usually stems from changes in the mechanical integrity of the joint.“

My shoulder is slightly out of the joint due to my myoclonic seizures and obviously how it’s been pulled from where I have held it (usually common when someone has a stroke) they will hold their arm across their stomach/chest. I’ve pulled mine so tight it’s out the socket!

I had an X-ray as I wanted to check why it was aching and so on..

My beautiful brain

And a strange stupid sling that is harder to put on than a bra.. 

Brain waves..

I wanted to update those who may of read my last epilepsy post (a while back) and been a bit shocked
I spoke to my doctor who said my memory might be due to the seizures as it is electrical activity in the brain.

Myoclonic; I suffer arm jerks pretty much daily which does get me down,
The seizures are due to being tired and stressed but my tonic clonic seizures are rare
Last one - January!

My beautiful electric brain!
Crazy stuff ;)

Always believe in yourself

I thought I'd do a blog post on progression reflection and well recovery!

mainly because I think its necessary..

These are some throw backs for the readers who may not of followed my journey or may want to see my progress..

University was my goal and walking obviously.

Living with a physical disability at a young age is really tough. But something I accept and deal with everyday.

Stroke Ambassador

student ambassador

course representative

university ambassador/representative

Volunteer..

University Student!

And Elizabeth Ashmore :)

If I could give myself one bit of advice *back then of course* 

it would be - 

Focus on yourself, set goals, take everyday as it comes & it won't always be this hard.

my advice to those who may of suffered a stroke recently are - 

stay strong but listen to your body, set goals, and document your journey! 

reflecting on your progress is the best thing!! 

Always believe in yourself. 

 

2014 - Kingston ward (The Daily Mail)

 2014 First Day Home *bed hair*) 

 

2014 first time looking in a mirror and learning to do my make-up!) 

 2014 (finally coming home! *massive bag of medication*)

2018 (at the top of the Eifel tower!) 

me and Liam (my fiancé by the way guys ;) 

2018 

Mum moans cause I change my hair colour too much.. 

2018 (me now) 

My Beautiful Brain..

Memory loss..

Either no one explained it OR I forgot because..
I’ve noticed it’s short terms memory loss!

The other day my mum dropped me home and mentioned something but I’d forgotten what we’d done.
Ive recently been trying to think really closely and to a point of testing my brain to try to learn what type of memory loss I actually have because
I can’t remember!
And that genuinely was not a joke..

My beautiful brain
Learning recovering and forgetting

Emotional stability

My blog is based around my recovery from my stroke and I guess my brain injury
And the emotional stability is a huge part of this
“Liz you cry over the television”
I still get emotional over small things and will do as it’s something that probably takes a while to retrain..

My blogs might be a bit ‘down’ due to university coming to an end but I can assure you I’m really happy and in a really good place so don’t worry

My beautiful brain
:)

A life without university..

”so what will you do without university?”
This question really scares me and makes me have flash backs of a day when my life was only a sofa and a walking stick..

I have volunteering but that’s not an everyday thing..

I have a disability which is an everyday thing. Something that the government has assessed me with and actually said I’m not able to work with (I think)
Mum still deals with all that stuff..

My life will be really empty and probably quite boring

Mum responds “Liz you’ll have a degree”

When people ask me I respond

“I’m going to focus on my recovery because university has been the first stage..”

My beautiful brain
 trying to figure out the next step..

Any suggestions?! *comments wanted!*

I knew it wouldn’t always be easy..

I do get bad days and I do have really good days
I mean I write my blog to demonstrate and explain how it feels to go through a traumatic experience and also to raise awareness.

Some people are shallow and some are just never going to grasp the concept of ill health because they won’t experience it..

“But do you not care it’s literally so bad!”
*my chemo is only tablet form shut up.*

This was my hairdresser and someone who should be understanding..

My hair is fine guys..

“Oh my god what if they tell you you can’t get your hair done again”
I giggled and just replied
”there’s people dying are you serious”

My beautiful brain
And a shower that was clogged with hair..

Watching myself

I never realised how my brain looked when it struggled and when the thoughts we’re processing..
Then I started editing my major project, I decided to get my mum to ask me questions
“And do you think other people were feeling how you felt”
I can’t remember exactly what she asked because all I can picture is my face..
I didn’t understand the question, and my face shows that, I look so confused..
It hurt watching myself trying to think really hard about a question but scared to ask my mum to repeat it because I wanted to be strong and confident.

My beautiful brain

That is still recovering..

A big step.

It’s sometgng that’s needed to happen for years and I needed to replace;
My AFO
My ankle was cut due to the splint cutting my ankle
 (an AFO holds your ankle up if you still suffer from drop foot)

I finally threw my old one away! I actually feel a party should of been thrown..
*hint hint*

My new splint is so nice! It’s Clean and holds my ankle up better meaning my walking is apparently ‘better’

My beautiful brain
And one small step for a stroke survivor..

Something new

sunday was an odd day
A day to reflect on; my first day release..

A day to walk in flip flops.

And actually walk into a swimming pool, something I haven’t done since before my stroke, weird, literally the weirdest feeling

My left leg swung out to the side uncontrollably.. I felt as if it was going to fly out of the socket,
I just bounced on my right leg,
“Mum what do I actually do now..”
A woman smiled..
Proud of my achievements but probably understanding the pain of ‘so what now’
Your brain knows what to do but your body and limbs just won’t do it..

No one will understand the last statement..

Accept
My beautiful brain.

Stroke affects the family more than the patient

I’ve spent the past two days wandering around Canterbury hospital interviewing; nurses, physiotherapists, occupational therapists and rehab assistants.
For my major project at university - at first (about me and my stroke)
Then I came home and it became to much, the realisation of
‘Lizzie maybe this is why people don’t talk to you about it’
So I started asking them
 “why did you choose this job and how do you think stroke affects the family as well as the person?”

When you lay in your bed, unaware of the world, in shock and angry as to why this has happened, you don’t stop to think ‘these people started for a reason and it’s affecting them to’

“We actually find the stroke affects the family than the patient because they have to come to terms with everything”

I froze.

Loads of flashes of; home visits, adaptations and the realisation of ‘shit this is real’


I left my old stroke ward and had this smell on my coat.. I can’t get the smell off my coat
as I left I stood by the stairs and had to take it all in.
and I keep feeling that the people coming to see me probably took a deep breath before entering and thought;
 “how will she be today..” as much as they loved me and cared.. some probably just wanted to turn away and go home.


“And how old is your youngest patient” -

“As far as I know, you are”


Me and my beautiful brain

“You don’t remember me do you”

Today was a strange day but something that will stay with me for the rest of my life just like why I quote the name of this post..

As I sat on the bus I turn the a lady who I knew the face of I knew it was her.
She stared at me..
“You don’t remember me do you”
I confidently said..
“The young girl on Kingston ward?”
I smiled.. prepared to finish her sentence..
*Lizzie don’t, just let her speak*
“Yeah in the side room”
She looked at me confused as to why I’d even started the conversation..

“Thankyou for showing me the photo album of you and your twin learning to walk, when I had my down days I thought of that”

I pictured her turning the pages and me crying uncontrollably at a nurse who’d been through an operation on her legs much worse than my stroke..

My beautiful brain
And the picture memory of Kingston ward that now doesn’t deal with acute stroke patients.

You learn so much

I’ve learnt so much along the way
This really long and interesting recovery
Something school should teach you;

“Friends don’t last a life time, dissertations are really fucking hard, don’t pick your spots, wrap up warm and keep your friends close but your enemies closer *
And enjoy life guys!..

I’ve; lost, met, lost again, gained and ignored people who I just knew I didn’t need to be in my life..
It took a while and I’m sure it could happen again
 ‘that’s life’
I realised my brain wasn’t recovering properly at the first stages and those who have followed this blog will have seen that.

I’ve noticed how vulnerable a brain injury can make your brain and how it can cause your brain to ‘let people in’ unhealthy people..

Dangers to society.
Poison in my eyes

In, my beautiful brain
Whilst training for a marathon :)

“I am disabled”

As usual I sat at the front of the bus that I regularly get home..

After a long day at university because I’d walked there this morning and I still get fatigued and struggle walking home when I’m tired.. because I am disabled.

A man approaches me on the bus..
“And are you disabled?”
*here we go..*
I take a deep breath keeping calm because I know I’m entitled to this seat and he is elderly and also stress causes my  seizures, I haven’t had any today (as of yet..) this idiot shall not be the cause.

“I am disabled”

He looks confused..
*hes old just, Lizzie leave it..*

The lady behind gets him to sit next to her..

Why do we live in such a judgemental world?
If I was old would this happen?

He then complains to the bus driver and I have to explain; my disability, show my arm, explain my ‘stroke’

Why should I need to explain myself?

My beautiful brain..
that stayed calm and on the bus.

Me & my brain injury..

I’m still living with a brain injury and will be for the rest of my life

People don’t understand that I get confused and hurt by the littlest things

So don’t try to be sarcastic with me.

“Lizzie why are you so bothered?”
*do I have to explain?*

“I have a brain injury I’m so sorry..”

These are strangers they don’t get it, why don’t they get me?

People stare at me when I walk round corners in a box like way..
‘Narrow minded’ my mum calls it.

*brain injury mode*

The seizures make it worse

Epilepsy nurse: “so your MRI results came back and they found something”
My heart races.. “what?! My doctor said they didn’t!!”
“Yeah.. a brain”
*takes a while,*
“Don’t fucking joke with me, I have a brain injury”
My epilepsy nurse stares blankly..
“You do know I have a report with me and I don’t understand certain things..”
“Oh you have a report..”

They don’t get it.

Do you see..

Even the nurses don’t know.

My beautiful brain

Still training..

I guess you could say recovery is ‘training’

I mean I can’t go to the gym because I do still suffer from seizures;
Myoclonic - arm jerks
 ( the most annoying )
Absent - I just walk around in a daze and don’t seem to know what’s going on
 (so can’t really comment)
Tonic clonic -
 (my last one was on the 1st of January, so these are slowing down..)

from those who’ve followed my blog from day one know that the I was told recovering from a stroke is like ‘training for a marathon’ I’ve recently started calling my blog my beautiful brain due to accepting how my recovery has made me feel; confident, independent and much more accepting of who I am and how far I’ve come.

When the weather is bad I have to accept I can’t leave my flat because I’d fall, when I’m tired I need to accept I need rest incase I have a seizure..

 I’m still in training mode, the best is yet to come..

“So Elizabeth what will you do when you leave university”
“I’m going to continue my recovery, because university was only phase one”
people don’t realise that recovery is a life long process..



also how cool is my cover photo, I made it ;) ..

My beautiful brain..

It’s a wonderful life..

when you ‘suffer’ a stroke
I hate that word but there is genuinely no other way to describe it;
Surviving isn’t any better, it just happens to some us, young and old.

My brain is adapting to new things everyday;
Stairs, walking, thinking, talking, sleeping and remembering..

Things that you do everyday and I assume take for granted..

Walking down stairs is the hardest part for me, it’s really tiring and I find myself sighing when I reach the bottom step, Liam giggles and everyone around me smiles, probably glad that they can now rush to the bottom as ‘the slow one, has reached the bottom’

Fatigue doesn’t affect me as much, since I started university as my brain has adapted to difficult tasks and how to ‘take on a days work’

My beautiful brain..

“Sorry, oh god sorry..”

I mean I know I’ve only been on the Eurostar for about an hour, but it’s enough time to analyse how my balance is..
Especially because I’ve visited the toilet twice

The really narrow walk way, that is literally impossible to walk through, I mean there’s me, gripping on to each head rest; pulling peoples hair, gripping the fabric and holding on for my life, trying not to fall onto these innocent people who are trying to sleep..

I lasted two toilet trips!
My balance is getting better, always improving but seriously the Eurostar has tested my brain..

My beautiful brain.

And balancing on the toilet
That’s whole different story..

My beautiful recovery..

I realised I never actually blog about my recovery..
I just kind of blog and write titles that are based on the things I blabber on about..

I used to assume that I’d never be able to do anything I could do before my stroke
Like people say ‘post stroke’ it actually really ‘p*sses’ me off when people say that..
Just say before..

The future is here, my life is now. That was then
This is now. I am me.
Strong
Determined and beautiful
Inside and out.

My recovery is going SO well..
I may live with a physical disability but I enjoy every moment of my life, sometimes the resting bitch face comes out but that’s okay..

I’ve;
Been on holidays, walked further than I imagined and accomplished more than I would before my stroke.
It’s because now it’s enjoyable, people encourage me..

My beautiful recovery.

four years..

I looked to the left, to see machines; my mum, step dad and at the time someone I thought I was dependent on, crying and unsure of how I’d recover..
“She’s had a stroke”
I was only 20.. surrounded by old people laying in a bed with nurses looking over me, nurses I now pass as I walk the corridor of the hospital I now attend my appointments, on my own. Watching their faces drop and some stopping me to get the whole
“YOUVE DONE SO WELL, OH MY GOD!”

I then walk back to the bus stop to get the bus home to my flat where I live with my fiancé. Where I lay my MacBook on the coffee table. I then sit on our sofa and sigh from a busy day walking..
around the hospital and other days university which includes; Studying, thinking and learning.

My beautiful brain
And the beautiful recovery.

Why is it so loud?

Please just turn it down
Please stop walking so close to me.

Wait, I know nobody can help doing any of what I just asked, I mean how can a bus driver turn down his horn?
How can a lady understand the heel on her shoe is too loud for my ears now that I have a serious brain injury.

Now that my fatigue kicks in more than ever when there’s to much going on at once, processing to many sounds hurts. It doesn’t give me a headache it just really hurts. Aches and drives me insane!!

You just want to scream and then you realise. * Lizzie, calm down no one understands that you’ve had a serious brain injury.. in fact that you have one..*

You’re just going to have to accept; the screeching bus pulling away, the cars racing past, the baby screaming for its mum, the hustle and bustle of the crowds..

*do you need this top? More than the stress?*

My beautiful brain..

It’s cold

I don’t know if you’ve noticed but it’s actually freezing..
My leg goes stiff
My wrist bends to the extent of it curling round and my fingers curl inwards

But it’s all good because I start to wear my wrist splint when I’m out and about.
WALKING!
*over excited brain..*

I’ve learnt to hold my head high and walk as if I don’t care what people think, I do still care but obviously I need to be confident otherwise people know I’m vulnerable and will take advantage..

It’s been four years after all.

The cold weather makes my joints go stiff and tight, the tone hurts and people notice I’m in a lot of pain.. something I can’t stop..

My beautiful brain.

My stroke of understanding my brain

yes  I know it took four years
And trust me it will take longer, it still grows and I’ll always get stronger. Every; minute, second, hour.. you get the just
 *rolling eye emoji*

My brain injury makes me who I am today.

I carry my seizure diary around with me everyday. It’s basically my best friend. Besides my university friends, who have helped me gain confidence..

I’ve learnt how to understand my brain, I do still have small myoclonic seizures but just not as much, tiredness, stress and other things..

My brain still gets tired. Just not as much, take it easy..

I have the famous
‘Keep calm and carry on’ poster above my makeup table to relax me every morning.

Learn to understand your brain..

My beautiful brain

‘If the shoe fits’

Well nope it didn’t..

But I’ve got ugg boots since my stroke, so all is well in the shoe department
and buying a pair of shoes on my own is probably the worse idea because my mum has always said I never pick the right size and they never actually fit me..

I sat in this really uncomfortable plastic chair in newlook. Rolled up my leggings, easily sliding my right foot into these black chelsea boots, the left foot (because of my splint) wasn’t going in..
I knew it wasn’t. Therefore I didn’t force it,  i just giggled and looked around at these girls hobbling in heels walking around to the mirror, hand on hip checking themselves out.
Boyfriends sitting on the empty stools wishing they were somewhere else.
Then me, happy to be who I am, proud that I’m no longer buying uncomfortable shoes wasting my money. and stronger than I was before.


My beautiful brain..

Me and my brain injury..

It’s something no one can see
But it affects me more than my physical disability, and that’s the worst part about my whole ‘scenario’
People just stare at me with a blank look when I’m confused or say I’m really tired when I’m sitting down and they aren’t tired but have been doing the same thing..

“Why are you always tired?!”
*its my brain injury..*

I wouldn’t change it
Because it defines who I am and whats happened

My memory is still slow because I can’t remember certain memories.
Which I guess you could say is a good thing..

I feel as though my brain injury takes over my body sometimes, and also feel as though people need their brain injury to be shown.

Those without brain injuries need knowledge of how it affects us who have one.

My beautiful brain.
And my brain injury

Moving on..

There comes a time where you move on from a life of dread and hate
A life that you once thought you needed and were so dependent on..

The life I had before..

‘I used to do that,’
Bla bla..

This is me.

Yesterday I lay in an MRI scanner, terrified because it does bring back memories which obviously I do get, and always will; Distant, bad and ones I wish to forget.

‘That’s not me’

‘How are you feeling Elizabeth?’

‘URGH, I’m so bored..’
I lay there with a huge plastic head thing still as anything, facing some huge magnet scanning through my skull, amazing technology but they need music..

I’m greatful for the mirror that face me, as I started pulling faces at myself..

*20 minutes done..*

The ‘stroke life’

And the beautiful brain.

Walking

I always update my walking blog posts because well, I can walk!

Thing is;
When it’s cold my leg goes stiff making the swing come back, causing people to stare..

After a stroke, I don’t know if this is just me as I never did it before..

I watch others walk, curious of their ‘gateway’
The patterns in their leg movement, how they control their knee and hips..
That’s how you’re taught to walk after a stroke
‘NOSE OVER TOES! BEND STRAIGHTEN’ RIGHT STOP!’
*dreaded sigh from a young girl who’s so fed up of being told when and how to walk..*

My balance is genuinely terrible but I do and always have worn stupid shoes.
I celebrated buying my first pair of ugg boots after my stroke because after a stroke you need this awful splint if like me you have drop foot.

Yes four years on it’s still here..
I had a dream it’d gone, but it hasn’t.

I quite like wearing it, it makes people aware of my disability and shows I do struggle so
 ‘DONT PUSH ME!’

but walking is good..

University..

I haven’t written a blog post for ages.
So I could focus on my goal (university) which is going SO well it’s almost as if I’m going to wake up and it will all be a dream..

I completed a project  about neuroplasticity, I taught myself how to stand up from the floor. I created; a mock up of; an app, a book, a website and two posters that you will be able to view on the website I’ll post below.

For the project I received 63% which is the equivalent to a B, yes I know ‘Elizabeth actually got a B?!?!’
I cried... the brain filter is still improving, so the crying was hard to stop.

I’m writing (with a lot of support from my mum) my dissertation on public health campaigns and how they can shock the viewer in the 21st century.
 for my dissertation journal (basically a sketchbook) I received 64% which I was also shocked with..
now to finish the actual dissertation!

I graduate on the 26th of June..

So here is to the next few months and my graduation.
My goal after my stroke (NEARLY FOUR YEARS AGO!)

The link to my minor project website;
Where brain injury survivors reading this can learn to stand in photographic stages
 (photographs taken by Liam) there is no text due to some survivors struggling to read, you can go backwards and forwards through each stage if you forget the stages..


https://eashmore4.wixsite.com/learn/home

Including my posters :)
‘DO and TRY’ designed and made by me.