Dear fatigue..

For those who don't know what 'fatigue is' it's nothing to do with being fat.. It's a side affect or illness you can suffer from making you extremely tired, even if you've slept for 8 hours.

Dear fatigue;

I've started uni now, I'm doing so well.. Because you haven't ruined it, yet.

I know you're not used to doing anything accept eating and watching TV..

But this part of my recovery is the most important, that brain that you sometimes disturb is going to; learn, be confident, be independent, communicate and so on..

I guess you'll find out anyway.

Uni makes me sleep more, I crave my bed and I haven't done that since I'd work and go to uni before the stroke..

You're like a strange annoying person who you try to avoid but they come back.

You used to be so bad..

I thought you'd destroy my life because I couldn't stop sleeping.

I know you and my brain are working so hard to let me create my future or at least work at it..

So don't let me down.

Please?

My inspiration, thankyou cancer

Something i dont really talk about as it still makes me upset but still proud. And i know upsets my mum more than anything 

Is my mum and her battle with cancer, 

You hear so many stories of how it can hit you and you suffer but you never ever think itll hit a loved one. You never realise the struggles and upset it brings to everyone 

Three years ago my inspiration was suffering with one of the main killing illnesses in the world. Cancer 'the c word' 

She doesnt thank it because of the damage its left her body with, i do. 

Thankyou mum and cancer for creating the most inspiring woman i know, 

Watching her smile through all the shittest times of you ruining her life and watching her pull through everytime, watching her get up and go when she was weak and hurt. Full of pain and wanted to give in. 

Thankyou for making me watch someone pull through struggle get up and go fight and still recover by determination and motivation.. 

You have made me want to carry on and show my mum how much of an inspiration she was too me, thankyou mum & strangely thankyou cancer 

❤️

Dear damaged brain..

To the most damaged brain I've come across out of people I know;

I know you can't hear me or understand much of what I do..

I mean you might hear the voices not my head talking to you, is that a normal thing?

I know you can't give me access to all my body limbs 

But you've tried, you've tried to reconnect as much as you can, I think..

You've reconnected a lot more than I thought you would,

Not going to lie, but I thought you'd fail after waking up from my accident

(And I hope the voice in my head made that sound loud and clear, perhaps you could try harder to bring me back to normality)

I know you've been through a lot, I do understand you must be so confused.

In fact I suppose your confusion is exactly how you create my confusion for the world to see.

But they can't see it, they can't see any of your bruised and disconnected cells, damaged and cut off by a bit of blood.

It's quite funny to think that something that is covering your whole body can curl into a ball and lodge it's way to ruin something so important, something that everyone has, sometimes people faint over the sight of blood. And how fast it pours out, I get excited.. 

No more blood clots brain!!

You won't be bruised again,

I know you've sat through; the scans, appointments, emotional moments and the grief that the blood clot caused.

But thank you for putting up with it.

The scans that surround you with metal plates and try really hard to show doctors what you've decided will reconnect.

I know you've dealt with loosing all your old memories I stored into you from birth; upset ones, happy ones, strange ones, funny ones and  many more, but I've forgotten those maybe you've lost them.

You're going to make new memories now. 

The memories you've manage to regain might not of been my best ones but are quite nice to think about.

Even if you do try to make me remember how I used to be, you bastard.

So thank you and prepare for new memories, don't let go of these ones please..

I know you've dealt with loosing two limbs at the same time, and a weak face.

You've given me the greatest gift, being able to walk, you've created the best day of my life and right hand down, it's still making me smile remembering the day I took my first steps.

You've probably lost all motivation and determination to bring back my arm and hand, you know people are still cheering for you to just push those little cells that connect the arm limb, they still believe you'll live again, but I don't.

Maybe that's why you haven't chosen to give it back? Are you angry with me? Are you disappointed in me? 

I am. But I can still eat food so I'm kinda happy.

I know you find everyday tough and you can't escape to just get out of my body, unfortunately you're stuck with me for as long as you may live, or choose for me to live.

I do let you wander off sometimes when i dream, when I daydream into space. That's when we can both escape this strange and damaged  life, this fucked up world where were all trying to be normal.

We both get a time to reflect and be happy (kind of) maybe we don't always show our smiles, maybe we don't show our happiness or how we love how far we've come in a year.

But we've travelled this journey together..

And we will forever..

You find some thing's really hard, I get that, everyone does ( normal people I mean)..

You do ache and get tired but most normal people do. ( normal people again) *lol*

But what I can thank you for is;

Bringing me the ability to create a stronger Lizzie

Bringing back a more confident Lizzie

Bringing back a happier Lizzie, sometimes anxiety free ( we can work on that though, can we try to?)

Beating a serious accident and proving that I can carry on..

You're letting me return to doing things I did before,

Maybe when the electrons in my brain play up and make you out of control, leaving me to have a seizure and probably scare people, when you shut down for a few minutes? 

I've no idea, because we both get another chance to be out of control of thinking. 

We both get upset but we push through

Because dear brain,

We can and will push through together, sometimes with help, but I know we can carry on this journey and succeed.

So thank you 

 

I'm fucking terrified.

It's been my main goal to return to uni and I make out that I'm excited, I am but

It scares me,

I've had disability meetings about;

What help I'll need

How they can support me

What I'll need to re-do and when to start the work

What if on the first day I walk through the doors and cry? 

I look around the class I'll be with for three years and hate them all?

I don't make friends because I'm disabled?

People laugh at me?

I can't walk in thinking in the best because I've completed some of first year already, I'll have some random sitting with me every fucking day.

Checking MY work

Walking round carrying my stuff..

Sounds really good to some people but thinking of getting even more stares makes me want to cry.

I can't even imagine if I have to stand up and talk in front of everyone..

What if my speech goes funny? What if I have a seizure?

Can I trust the random class of people to help me and to understand what's happening?

I'll miss just walking into class and sitting down like everyone else.

'Liz you'll adjust to it it'll get better'

What if it doesn't 

What if I fail..

£9,000 wasted.

People might read this and assume I'm not ready or it's too soon.

I'm not going to say you're wrong, it might be..

I just want and wanted to prove it can and will do whatever it takes to get my life back.

Support me don't judge me.

What it's like to have a major stroke inside and out

This is a blog post to explain everything.

if I could explain it in two words it would be

Fucking shit.

No one prepares you for the coming home struggles;

 the adaptations

loosing all your friends

 depression

 confusion

 patronising comments and conversations

 lectures on how to do things

 hugs of sympathy

 crying randomers

old people making friends with you

people comparing your stroke to a family members thinking it will help.

People laughing staring and pointing

Loosing a body part

Physios and ot's in hospital prepare you for nothing helpful.

You leave hospital thinking it's going to be so much fun not working or being stressed.

You then reach your 'goal', home.

You cry and can't adjust to being where you thought would be amazing..

Then you start recovery. No recovering unless you get help.

They don't tell you that everything will be hard, 

Slipping in the shower

Not being able to get into a bath

Being to tired to function

Tripping over stupid things

Oh and then you see your best mates for the first time out of hospital,

Don't expect sympathy, everyone assumes you're back to normal.

They get confused..

You get hurt 

They leave..

Then you're left with fuck all.

Wondering why they'd gone.

Oh then there's the crying before you step out your front door, when you can walk and you're allowed.

You cry scream and wish you could walk like everyone else

Everyday

Every night 

Every minute hour and second you wonder

'Why me?!'

'What did I do?!'

'Can I just end it all now?!'

Then you get the rude comments.

'You know you'd be  liked if the stroke wasn't your life'

Fuck off. 

It's with me forever and it's hard.

Then there's the medication;

13 tablets a day

 4 blood tests a month

 6 doctors appointments a month

 28 days of headaches and upset.

I've never really told anyone all of this because I thought you'd all realise but then I remembered it's not happened to you.

My family know because they watched me go through it.

Don't read this and email me saying that I should speak to someone, because it's happened and it's rude.

I don't need to think anymore

i used to have to think about everything I was doing; walking and the technique of bending and straightening my leg so that I looked like everyone else..
I used to have to think about how people were talking to or at me.. Taking in their emotions and struggling to understand how to reply.
I used to think about what I'd done a day before or how to respond to people when they say 'hi you okay?!' Now I just respond and talk..

My brains still recovering and I have to think sometimes of strategies of doing stuff..
We went on a boat tour last week and before we'd left the house I'd started to plan how I was going to get in and out of the boat throughout the boat tour I was thinking of how to get off the boat safely..
I managed it but I have simple things to take into account that I don't want to fail when trying to do it..
Even crossing a road incase I don't get across fast enough.

I write my blogs now without thinking into depth of words and language to use that explain how I feel..
I write more fluent from what is coming from my heart and head.

It's taken a while and I'll still be thinking for the rest of my life but it's improving slowly as time goes on...

My hidden disability

Despite the fact my arm doesn't work and I walk slower doesn't show my true disability..

I'm classed as disabled for the top reasons..

But what they don't take into account is;
How I forget everything
How I struggle to process any emotions
How I misinterpret the way people treat or talk to me
How I struggle to multi task, making life harder to get things done quicker
How I struggle with mild anxiety and depression,.
I mean everyone gets "down days" yeah we get and understand you feel "upset" why? Because you've got no money?..
Mines different, mine can cause me to physically try to kill myself, feeling like I've not achieved anything at all.
Feeling like I'm useless in the world
Feeling asif I get judged and laughed at.
The thoughts do go away but at the point of the thoughts being there, it's like nothing can stop you feeling better,
The fact that I can't smile everyday, not because I'm unhappy but because I struggle with many things..


Behind closed doors;
I still sit on a stool in the shower
I still can't cut food up or make meals for myself if it means I stand for long periods of time





Flashing lights and long nights;
I go clubbing, seems like I have an amazing time, everyone's nights out seem so good..
Photos, alcohol, friends, music and dressing up to look good..

As I walk into a pub or club I have to physically process everything that I'll be feeling while I'm in there, people you're with plan the night, everywhere you're going to go. I have to research the clubs;
Are there stairs?...
"I mean what if the toilets are upstairs?"
Are there loads of strobe lights?
Are there seats in the club?...
" I can't stand for too long so I'll need to sit down."
What time does it open and close?...
"Will my friends want to stay all night?!"
Are there security and bouncers?..
"If I collapse would they know what to do?"
I Research on if anyone's been spiked or hurt near the club..
What I've leave the bar and someone follows me aiming to spike me, because I look vulnerable and confused?..
"She looks up for it"

I keep dancing on my own.

All thoughts that I didn't have before my stroke, not because of knowing the clubs but because now I'm different I need to look after myself.
I know what you're thinking.. "Well clubbing and drinking isn't exactly looking after yourself"

I look up the clubs photos to see if the club gets busy, wondering if I'll get pushed and shoved.

When in the club it's fine,
I mean everyone gets worked up. Don't they? Is that normal?..

You wait at the bar after strutting in trying to act like your mates, holding your head as high as you can.. Pretending you're not smiling at people checking you out.
"Can they see my splint?!"
"Can they see my arm?"


You get your drink and edge and push your way out the ques of people waiting to drink and binge on alcohol, frowning at those who make you spill the drink and wobble and down respect that I can't balance on one leg..

You see your mates dance to the dance floor that's full of young girls showing thighs legs and boobs. "do I look stupid cause I'm not like that?"
They dance and twirl around dropping to the floor and jumping around..
"Lizzie come dance"
Urgh  get off my arm, I can't move like that..
"If I sit down will they think I'm boring?!"

I get headaches and tired, it's the fact I need to take in so much and get over the grief of how I used to just get up and dance while holding two drinks
 like the girls I'm sitting in the corner staring at.

I then massage my calf where my splint rubs and sit back downing my drink looking as normal as I can trying to fit in.



You might not see my hidden disabilities but I feel them everyday and they haunt me every night.


Im still at the stages of trying to look normal and act like everyone else, I take photos to document how in a weird way I'm having the best time, how I look good to fit in and still look slightly attractive.
I remember my 21st when my old mates left me in the street because I couldn't be bothered to walk back up stairs to watch them dance.

I remember when my ex stopped me going out because I was going to cheat..

Make the most of the nights out Lizzie..
You used to go out all the time.