I'm classed as disabled for the top reasons..
But what they don't take into account is;
How I forget everything
How I struggle to process any emotions
How I misinterpret the way people treat or talk to me
How I struggle to multi task, making life harder to get things done quicker
How I struggle with mild anxiety and depression,.
I mean everyone gets "down days" yeah we get and understand you feel "upset" why? Because you've got no money?..
Mines different, mine can cause me to physically try to kill myself, feeling like I've not achieved anything at all.
Feeling like I'm useless in the world
Feeling asif I get judged and laughed at.
The thoughts do go away but at the point of the thoughts being there, it's like nothing can stop you feeling better,
The fact that I can't smile everyday, not because I'm unhappy but because I struggle with many things..
Behind closed doors;
I still sit on a stool in the shower
I still can't cut food up or make meals for myself if it means I stand for long periods of time
Flashing lights and long nights;
I go clubbing, seems like I have an amazing time, everyone's nights out seem so good..
Photos, alcohol, friends, music and dressing up to look good..
As I walk into a pub or club I have to physically process everything that I'll be feeling while I'm in there, people you're with plan the night, everywhere you're going to go. I have to research the clubs;
Are there stairs?...
"I mean what if the toilets are upstairs?"
Are there loads of strobe lights?
Are there seats in the club?...
" I can't stand for too long so I'll need to sit down."
What time does it open and close?...
"Will my friends want to stay all night?!"
Are there security and bouncers?..
"If I collapse would they know what to do?"
I Research on if anyone's been spiked or hurt near the club..
What I've leave the bar and someone follows me aiming to spike me, because I look vulnerable and confused?..
"She looks up for it"
I keep dancing on my own.
All thoughts that I didn't have before my stroke, not because of knowing the clubs but because now I'm different I need to look after myself.
I know what you're thinking.. "Well clubbing and drinking isn't exactly looking after yourself"
I look up the clubs photos to see if the club gets busy, wondering if I'll get pushed and shoved.
When in the club it's fine,
I mean everyone gets worked up. Don't they? Is that normal?..
You wait at the bar after strutting in trying to act like your mates, holding your head as high as you can.. Pretending you're not smiling at people checking you out.
"Can they see my splint?!"
"Can they see my arm?"
You get your drink and edge and push your way out the ques of people waiting to drink and binge on alcohol, frowning at those who make you spill the drink and wobble and down respect that I can't balance on one leg..
You see your mates dance to the dance floor that's full of young girls showing thighs legs and boobs. "do I look stupid cause I'm not like that?"
They dance and twirl around dropping to the floor and jumping around..
"Lizzie come dance"
Urgh get off my arm, I can't move like that..
"If I sit down will they think I'm boring?!"
I get headaches and tired, it's the fact I need to take in so much and get over the grief of how I used to just get up and dance while holding two drinks
like the girls I'm sitting in the corner staring at.
I then massage my calf where my splint rubs and sit back downing my drink looking as normal as I can trying to fit in.
You might not see my hidden disabilities but I feel them everyday and they haunt me every night.
Im still at the stages of trying to look normal and act like everyone else, I take photos to document how in a weird way I'm having the best time, how I look good to fit in and still look slightly attractive.
I remember my 21st when my old mates left me in the street because I couldn't be bothered to walk back up stairs to watch them dance.
I remember when my ex stopped me going out because I was going to cheat..
Make the most of the nights out Lizzie..
You used to go out all the time.
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