Comparisons but achievements

It's hard enough dealing with not being able to work or go to university without needing support 

But if I didn't have the disabilities life would be so much more enjoyable.. 

I find myself gazing out of windows trying to test my brain to remember random stuff; trees, people's clothes, shop names, conversations and so on... 

I'm actually terrified of life and how it'll work out; can I have kids? Can I work again? Can I spend a year without any reminders of my body letting me down? 

I spend my free time ringing numerous sections in the hospital; 

hello I'm just ringing to see when my next appointment is... 

'Hello my leg splints really hurting and I need it checked' ...

I have no clue where my life will take me and I hate mysteries, I hate the whole

'Just go with the flow' saying because I struggle with everything I need to succeed in to continue living my life... 

My life's an exam;

Can you walk to the end of the room?

Can you cook yourself lunch?

Are you able to make your own way there?

Can you ring me next week to follow our arrangement?

Did you do your tablets liz?

At first it was the revision phase,

Learning to stand and then walk, learning how to place my leg 'the right way' learning how to concentrate and talk to people...

You continue to practice and 'revise' what you've learnt, in order to pass the exams life throws at you later on in your ridiculously long recovery...

Can it just stop now? Can I throw out the numerous bits of paper covered in 

'STROKE' reminding me of what I 'survived' 'how far I've come' 

I went to the stroke ward on Monday to chat to my old physio and walked into the section that the acute patients go- just admitted and being examined place... 

Only because that's the part the physio was In... 

The faces and dark curtains pulled round with the blood lady making her travels round taking blood from the patients ,

I looked down but saw the physio and looked up I smiled at an old man who was in the dull blue hospital chairs the visitors sit in.. 

He smiled back, it felt like we knew we had a connection, his smile lower on one side but his eyes lighting up after one smile was recieved.

As I walked out I put my head down because the sight isn't pleasant, I want to cry, I want to just pick the patients up and take them home.. 

I come out so happy just thinking 

'Yeah I've overcome the revision phase in walking where I once cried whilst being pushed in my wheelchair wishing I could walk it..'

'Yeah I'm past that, past the early mornings of physio and struggles of talking to people'

'I'm past the sad part the part where everyone is stuck and in shock from what's happened to a perfectly normal busy and happy young lady'

'I'm past the stages of wondering if I'll ever smile and mean it days'

I dream of how far I've come and how much I've overcome 

For such a lazy person im quite impressed.. 

I have dreams that I'm running upstairs and using both hands, I have visions of my hand coming back one day randomly...

'It's like training for a marathon lizzie, you'll get there but it's going to be hard'

Now I understand it and respect the saying... 

and almost appreciate the 'warning'...

The exams are hard but the revisions harder; building up enough stamina for something you never know you'll get back, is it worth it? 

Yes. 

You don't see the hidden sides

When I first had my stroke I literally didn't believe it not because I wished it hadn't happened but because you don't think that what you're suffering with is a stroke 

You see the signs from the advert; face droop and arm weakness but not the physical emotional or memory problems... 

To be fair it'd be a really long advert if they showed everything you'd suffer with... 

I never thought strokes could paralyse you nor did I think they could make you so bloody tired sometimes to tired to talk 

So if someone you know suffers a major stroke or probably a mini stroke remember to just treat them normal and not look at them any different.. 

They'll cry and be tired and don't remind them of the past because that's when they'll start wishing they could get it back 

'You remember that time when'..

They won't for a while... 

Sorry what was I talking about?

I get the reaction 

'Your speech is so good was it affected?'

I mean it was but only because the tone changed; I'm quieter, talk slower and need to think about my words and sometimes mix words up.. 

'Dan I really want to go to the beach this summer'

(I then stare out the window at a bush, don't know why)

'Yeah can we go to the bush this summer?'

Sounds funny and we laughed but it can get annoying because I know how to process words I just get jumbled up but when you don't realise you've made the mistake it's embarrasing... 

Once I said 'realia' because me and Dan had said a word that ends in 'lia' 

I honestly didn't realise for about 20 minutes.. 

I don't know how to explain when you forget what you were talking about but I can spend hours talking and they'll say something and I'll think of what to say next but I'll forget what the conversation was about... 

Not all the effects that they show on the advert happen.. 

I slur my speech at times and people look at me abit confused but I just repeat it and ignore the slur... 

I have to plan what my next conversation with someone might be about and physically think of words to say.. 

'Babe is this a word..'

Wondering if words i'd of used everyday before are actually words than 'normal' people use.. 

Something new..

'Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear'

Today was my first session of counselling since my psychologist left..

'Are you okay? Have you hurt your arm?'

'Oh no I'm okay I had a stroke but I'm fine'

And the session started... 

It felt so nice to talk to someone I didn't know about how I feel and 'deal' with stuff and what I want to work on overcoming; my anxiety...

I knew he was scared to ask about my stroke as I could see it in his face when he would refer back to it... 

'Mum why was that man staring at me?'

'He worked on Kingston ward (stroke ward)' 

Okay...

This is what it's like to loose your vision

On Tuesday morning I went to a stroke confrence for many reasons, it made me realise how fortunate I am to still be alive and still; talk, walk, see, think, eat ...

We had to introduce ourselves at first as the tables of; volunteers, stroke survivors,  physio's,occupational therapists... 

As time went around I slowly waited for my turn feeling anxious but happy to share my story

we had to tell everyone our age name story and why we volunteer for the stroke association... 

'Hello I'm really nervous so I might say Urm a lot sorry, my names elizabeth or 'lizzie' (nervous giggle) I suffered a stroke last February when I was 20 my goal has always been to beat it and walk again, so I walked for the stroke association on Sunday raising over £1000' 

(My audience)

WOW...  

I recieved so many looks, but all good looks because I was accepted and appreciated, not because of who I am but because of how I've been so brave and determined.. 

Lunch came and we got the chance to 'talk to others' 

The nicest guy came and spoke to me asking me questions about my stroke and how I manage to be so 'happy and cheery' he'd had his stroke or hemmorage 6 years ago, he has lost his peripheral vision (all the right side of vision and a line through his left eye).. Unable to walk without walking into doors and having to turn his head to physically see what was on his right hand side... 

http://www.m.webmd.boots.com/a-to-z-guides/eye-health-low-vision

Later on we were given glasses to 'imagine' how it feels to of lost your vision in various ways a stroke survivor could of... 

I put these glasses on that demonstrate how Andrew sees the world, I wanted to cry, just because of how hard life must be; I had to turn my head to look to the right and I could only hear voices, not knowing who was there not realising how difficult everyday life must be... 

I may suffer from confusion and struggle with memory but; 

This made me appreciate how lucky I am and how I survived a stroke and didn't loose my vision, I appreciate my vision as much as my ability to walk now... 

I won't let you beat me.

Dear stroke;

I won't let you take my whole experience of life away nor will I let you ruin the second chance I've been given..

You may of taken some of my brain but I still have the other half;

You tried to convince me I wasn't 'normal' but turns out no one is.. Everyone's different;

Could be from an illness or loosing a loved one, everyone's dealt with problems. Sometimes just not doing there makeup right can make someone feel not 'normal'

I've learnt there is no normal life to live... 

I've had so many ups and downs but you're finally making me more confident to realise that they don't last forever and I'm happy.

I may take loads of tablets a day but it's to prevent you ever coming back, you're the 'nasty bully' that you'd get at every school..

I found it hard to conquer my fears at first and thought of ending my life because of what you did to me my family and my life but this time I'm leaving it behind me, you're not that strong. 

I may walk funny and have a 'dodgy arm' but it's my body and I'll live with it, things could be worse.. 

I can walk & talk and shop I have plans for MY future not yours.. 

I have people that care about me supporting me, not you.

Just don't forget I won this battle not you.. 

So nice try stroke. 

I thought about stopping my blog after walking my 10k but was convinced otherwise as it gives me a mindset to carry on.. And the paperwork showing me how far I've come Is taking over my house.

I thought I'd struggle the day after my walk as Dan says; 'you always ache the day after a good work out'.. But I'm fine, I'm walking home from the hospital today something that last year I couldn't do. 

I won't let it beat me, nor will I fall for its shitty set backs, I walked the 10k for me and to prevent a stroke happening to anyone else by raising over £1000. 

So fuck you stroke I did it. My marathon is done. 

But I'm not. 

My time to reflect...

Since writing my scrapbook and starting from day one of what I can remember from day one of my stroke..

I've had a chance to reflect on how far I've; mentally, physically and emotionally progressed.. 

From just being able to balance on a toilet to have a piss.. 

To learning how to shower and even learn how to cope with being surrounded by elders, one woman who was in my old 'section' on the stroke ward, who horribly but only because at times it was quite funny me and mum would laugh at;

All day & night; 'ARTHUR WHERE ARE YOU' 

Calling for her husband who had actually died a few years before.. 

To the point where she tried to walk to him and just fell out of bed.. 

I actually feel horrible laughing but it was the only thing keeping my spirits up. 

My scrapbook is building my memory and physically reminding me how life can change; some pages have tear drops from how much it's bringing back.. And remembering how unstable I was; how many machines were attatched to me keeping me alive. 

Sounds stupid but it's like a diary, no one will understand unless they read it; everything I felt, saw and cried over are in this book.. 

If I had a child I don't know if I'd even show them.. 

I'd just protect them from having a stroke.