Comparisons but achievements

It's hard enough dealing with not being able to work or go to university without needing support 

But if I didn't have the disabilities life would be so much more enjoyable.. 

I find myself gazing out of windows trying to test my brain to remember random stuff; trees, people's clothes, shop names, conversations and so on... 

I'm actually terrified of life and how it'll work out; can I have kids? Can I work again? Can I spend a year without any reminders of my body letting me down? 

I spend my free time ringing numerous sections in the hospital; 

hello I'm just ringing to see when my next appointment is... 

'Hello my leg splints really hurting and I need it checked' ...

I have no clue where my life will take me and I hate mysteries, I hate the whole

'Just go with the flow' saying because I struggle with everything I need to succeed in to continue living my life... 

My life's an exam;

Can you walk to the end of the room?

Can you cook yourself lunch?

Are you able to make your own way there?

Can you ring me next week to follow our arrangement?

Did you do your tablets liz?

At first it was the revision phase,

Learning to stand and then walk, learning how to place my leg 'the right way' learning how to concentrate and talk to people...

You continue to practice and 'revise' what you've learnt, in order to pass the exams life throws at you later on in your ridiculously long recovery...

Can it just stop now? Can I throw out the numerous bits of paper covered in 

'STROKE' reminding me of what I 'survived' 'how far I've come' 

I went to the stroke ward on Monday to chat to my old physio and walked into the section that the acute patients go- just admitted and being examined place... 

Only because that's the part the physio was In... 

The faces and dark curtains pulled round with the blood lady making her travels round taking blood from the patients ,

I looked down but saw the physio and looked up I smiled at an old man who was in the dull blue hospital chairs the visitors sit in.. 

He smiled back, it felt like we knew we had a connection, his smile lower on one side but his eyes lighting up after one smile was recieved.

As I walked out I put my head down because the sight isn't pleasant, I want to cry, I want to just pick the patients up and take them home.. 

I come out so happy just thinking 

'Yeah I've overcome the revision phase in walking where I once cried whilst being pushed in my wheelchair wishing I could walk it..'

'Yeah I'm past that, past the early mornings of physio and struggles of talking to people'

'I'm past the sad part the part where everyone is stuck and in shock from what's happened to a perfectly normal busy and happy young lady'

'I'm past the stages of wondering if I'll ever smile and mean it days'

I dream of how far I've come and how much I've overcome 

For such a lazy person im quite impressed.. 

I have dreams that I'm running upstairs and using both hands, I have visions of my hand coming back one day randomly...

'It's like training for a marathon lizzie, you'll get there but it's going to be hard'

Now I understand it and respect the saying... 

and almost appreciate the 'warning'...

The exams are hard but the revisions harder; building up enough stamina for something you never know you'll get back, is it worth it? 

Yes.