Weaker than the other

The feeling you get when you carry loads of bags around town after you've been shopping, after realising you've bought to much and that you've got marks dented into your arm from the weight of bags that are balancing on your arm.. 

That's what it's like having a stroke 

(One side weaker than the other);

You sit down for too long (I dunno like, 20mins) and your bum becomes numb, too numb to actually stand up.. 

You try to lift your weaker arm and it's so heavy that you get the knot feeling you get when you've over done exercise and NEED a massage.. 

You walk with a splint and wear your lip liner higher on one side,

their my 'bag marks' that would be left behind if I was just carrying loads of heavy bags.. 

But I can't just switch to hold them with the other hand so I'm stuck In the rut of 

'Right you need to walk home you physically need to maintain the strength in your muscles.. 

No one told me I'd feel weak after my stroke, no one prepared me for the leg swing I do when I aim to walk up or down a hill.. 

No one prepared me for the 'fuck how do I bend my leg' voice that repeats over in my head everytime it's cold & my leg is so stiff that it's physically not bending 

No one prepared me for the physical adaptions you need to get used too after a stroke

You're confined to one place (a hospital) you're not allowed out, only if you've recovered to the point of being allowed out on 'day trips' with your family.. 

So when you go out you realise just how important confidence & independence are.. Because before i honestly had no idea I needed to be this strong, or had to learn to love myself to just walk to my bloody toilet.. 

'You're young your recovery is at a higher chance than someone who is like 65?'

Hmm cheers... 

I'm weak and vulnerable that I can't even cross my legs anymore without getting cramp to the point of wanting to cry.. 

This is my short but sweet blog post about what it really feels like and for those who couldn't relate to the one before, I hope you can relate now I've compared it to something everyone loves... 

Shopping! 

Because I still love it, as much as being able to walk talk and swallow my food again.