I guess you're here to stay...

I honestly felt so normal; walking around a shopping centre that I last visited when I was in a wheelchair, I remember being so cautious of people staring at me and how half the shops I loved. I couldn't bare to be in, they were to intimidating for my ruined brain.. Sitting outside McDonald's crying to my old friends about how I missed walking & how I craved to just be like other people..

Today I returned to bluewater knowing I could walk and knowing I could shop as I've done it so many times since.. 

Arm down by my side, not bent; relaxed & like the other side, I felt like one of the others, someone normal and as if I was 21 instead of 80. 

No one stared, but a few shoved 

'Fuck sake!'

'Liz, calm down there only shopping' 

Brain calmed down... 

Buying loads of stuff and holding conversations with anyone that started one. 

I felt normal again, back to my old self without the arm and skinny jeans oh and the stress of when I'd have uni again or work...

Me and mum sang to old songs, danced in the car on our way home.. 

I looked out the window remembering back to a time I was last returning home from bluewater, remembering how my friends had to try to put my wheelchair away, how I longed to help but was so tired from trying to take everything in I just fell asleep as I reached the car..

We ventured into town, to sort out a few things and get a drink (non alcoholic) 

As we walked back, my leg gave way.. 

'I can't fucking do this mum'

Wanting to throw my drink on the floor but remembering I was in the middle of Canterbury, 

Trying to think of how amazing my day had been.. 

'Come on brain, you can do it!'

My feet blistering slowly in my boots where my splint rubbed, my knees becoming weaker with every step, the sun beaming onto my face making me all sweaty in my coat.. 

Not how you want to feel on such a nice day.

'Liz there's no other way of getting home, you can do it'

Then I saw the subway.. 

I wanted to cry and breakdown 

But I'm not letting it defeat me, 

I gripped the handle leading you down the slope, slowly moving my leg and trying to not scream.. 

'Mum I'm in so much pain I can't'

'Liz you can, I know you can do it'

I survived the subway and gripped my mums arm the whole way home.. 

Surprisingly my left arm was still down by my side not bent upwards or anything 

'Relaxed' as we'd call it now..

I knew recovery is a life long thing and I'm thinking of how far I've come even in the past 3/4 months, but I ache, I'm weak and tired, this I know will never change.. 

I'll keep beating goals & pushing myself to beat the stroke in the best way I can 

I'm now chilling with my feet soaking in a bucket and a foot full of blisters...