I'd rather you ask

I'd rather you ask; the struggles, how I feel, how it felt, if I'm okay, if I need to talk , if I'm coping okay, how it happened, what I had to cope with..

I get the random 'I'm scared I'll ask the wrong thing' there is nothing wrong to ask, it's my life and I'm open about it, it's who I am, it's something I can't change and I'd rather you knew about the way my brain actually works, how my emotions are messed up, how I literally need to think about everything I do to be able to cope with being a regular adult.. 

Everything is fine to ask unless you're going to be stupid and upset me. 

You hurt people

You leave scars on the ones who try to beat you and you test those who try to get over you, oh and you try to test if they actually want to beat you..

But yet you take away the lives of those who are to vulnerable to fight against you. 

You leave people so weak even when there recovering enough to walk talk and live. Trying to lead a normal life, dealing with the pain you've caused..

Creating new pathways in a damaged brain that could give up on you again, hurting people around you; loved ones, friends, family and people who are there to just listen and support you through it..

It's hard to realise you're a life destroying 'illness' or should I call you a 'killer?' Something that we try so hard to prevent but yet people get destroyed by you. 

Dear strokes that happen to anyone at any age, we try we fight as much as we can. You're not winning if you destroy a life but you fail. You create a heartache to more people who will just want you to stop. 

Stop hurting everyone and  preventing them doing things they once did without thinking. 

I respect you don't

I don't expect you to understand how hard it is or how impossible little things can be, 

I don't even want you to understand because it's not something I'd wish apon anyone.. 

I hate the thought of anyone reaching an old enough age to have a stroke, because it would hurt to much to know you might go through this pain; not realising, loosing confidence, struggling to even walk, feeling weak constantly and loosing everything you thought was going to stay with you forever. I'd hate to think of you going through the stage of wanting to just give up and end your life, even feeling like your life was never worth living.. 

You know when you sit there and think 

'Yeah this is my plans my goals and it will be my future and everything. 

Then you get it taken away literally in the space of evening to morning. 

You miss the days you could just wake up smiling and remember what you have planned for your future planned day to keep you moving to your goals.. 

You miss the days of just sitting in your room laying down staring at the ceiling thinking;

'Shit I've actually got a job and earn my own money, I'm going to do this forever  and then the next time/day you work being there thinking 'I fucking hate this job, can't wait to go home' .. 

You then sit there so happy the days over.

This is never gonna go away

How would you feel if I laughed when you stumble?

If I pointed at you and giggled while you nearly tripped?

If I stared at your limb that you try to hide from everyone to avoid the strange looks 

If I didn't help you when you tripped over?

If I frowned at you when you smile at me?

Think about it as the person you are now..

It wouldn't happen would it? Because you're the same as everyone else

Now think about how it would feel if you were in my position, not only different but trying so hard to gain the confidence you once lost and need to recover to even leave the house..

You'd feel worthless; hurt, scared, anxious and embarrassed. 

That's how it feels to be me, everyday sometimes not that much if I try hard enough to fit in like every normal human walking the streets. 

Do you think I'm not aware that I look different and have a mild disability? 

Do you think I'm incapable of having any emotion atall?

Do you think I can balance when you shove past me, on my weaker side to the point where I feel like smacking you in the face to feel the pain you've caused me. 

It knocks me to breaking point, to feeling ashamed to what my brains done to my body, you know when I see the fast advert on ambulances I look down and cry, thinking

'Why did I fall asleep that night? Why didn't I recognise the signs? Why didn't I listen to my feelings?'

I was so close to having half my brain operated on because my brain wouldn't stop swelling up.. 

'Would that of happened if I caught the warning signs?

Would that of happened if I had the stroke when I was awake?'

That's my biggest fear more than having another stroke, the fact that my brain still throbs and pulses when I feel tired or get a headache, the fact it feels like it could explode.. It's done it once before, can happen again can't it?

'Actions speak louder than words' 

And your actions of rudeness and unkindness hurt me more than if someone broke your favourite lipstick or best pair of trainers or Infact, killed a family member, so think before you fucking act; point, stare, laugh, giggle, whisper, frown and grunt at me..

I might not seem it but I'm stronger than you even think, you'd cry if you smashed a glass, I've dealt with worth and I'm putting up with your shit pretty much everyday. 

So how are you affected?

For those who really struggle to come to terms with the fact a stroke affects more than 

Face

Arms

Speech and most other things..

Mine was on the right side;

Movement- explains my paralysis 

Vision - I was lucky

Hearing - I find it hard to hear sometimes

Memory - it was worse and still isn't great but it's improving 

Art - to be fair it's got better but took me a while to even want to pick up a pen because of my emotions 

Music - I refused to listen to any music in hospital because it hurt to much and now when I do I listen to the lyrics as they mean more than the best. 

Mathematics - I've always struggled in maths so that's no change 

The after affects of a stroke shocked me more aswell mainly because I didn't realise strokes could affect you as much.. 

I never realised how important the brain is and that it's the most important organ in your body.. 

Timehop adventures

Everyday I check my timehop to see how far I've come and make myself feel proud, most of the time it's me moan in about wanting to leave the house but being to tired too..

It's also reminding me of how once apon time i felt as if I was going to be stuck feeling that vulnerable forever, you move on and things progress things change and you reach the point and place you've been waiting for so Thankyou timehop for  reminding me of how far I've come in a year 

'My nephew had a stroke'

As the young children walked into the hall  in their classes starting from reception all the way up to year 6.

The littlest kids were aged 4, the age range going up to to about 8.. 

'Good morning everybody, we have some special guests to talk about strokes and the affects because as some of you know I am doing a marathon for the stroke association'

'Good morning miss...' As they all sat up straight and looked at her explain..

'Now not all of you know, my nephew had a stroke at 13, and was really badly affected..' 

She took a deep breath and I looked to the floor as my heart sank.

We then introduced ourselves, saying what happened when we had our stroke and how old we were..

You all know 'my story' so I won't bother explaining what I said, I just made it more suitable to younger people to hear.

The teachers smiled at me but I looked at the floor almost ashamed of what it has done to my body.. 

We then showed them slide shows of what can cause a stroke and how they affect people.

'Now you shouldn't smoke or drink alcohol'

Again I looked at the floor and kinda giggled thinking 'shit I regret that vodka shot I had saturday'

But then had to look up and think..

'But I've never smoked so I'm winning at that'

We then tested the children on what the fast advert stands for letter by letter, they got them right until the T 

Which is the most important letter in the fast advert 'um does it mean talking?' 

We giggled and explained that it means time that you need to rush someone with any signs to a hospital..

By the end of the assembly they were able to answer them all right. 

The looks on their faces and ecstatic way of throwing their hands in the air, some holding in their breath to make sure their hand was higher than anyone else's, you remember the feeling of anxiety and excitement of speaking out loud in assembly at primary school, and then if you got the answer right and the teacher praised you, the happiness you'd feel inside and how chuffed you'd feel that you'd look around thinking 'hell yeah I listened now the teacher loves me'