Gaining confidence and independence

My summer has been about gaining my confidence and independence;
Moving out, going to the gym and trying to use my arm also  by letting go of my arm while walking..

Recovery from a stroke or as they class it 'life after stroke' in those colourful leaflets the stroke association give your family when you're leaving hospital,
Scaring the  friends  if you're lucky enough to still have some, stating that the person may not recover enough to seem like the person they were before..
And the nurses suggest us as stroke patients should read about a devastating brain disorder we've encountered while we're fragile.

Anyway;
I started my second year of uni on Monday,
I had the whole
"Urgh I'm not ready I can't be bothered, it's so long.."
Forgetting how much I've actually recovered compared to year one.

This year counts and that scared me mainly because it was my goal to complete uni.
And when you set goals after a stroke you HAVE to acheive them..

I've lasted 10-4 everyday (even on my day off)
Yesterday we had to talk about our posters we've created, infront of everyone!
"I can't do it, what if they hate it."
I did it,
And managed to talk infront of everyone..
I still need help, I miss out scentences and get muddled up in understanding the brief they give us
This was something my tutor said I needed to improve last year as I used to get to scared to do it.

At school we had a 'counsellor' for our form, you'd get some crap dark red badge which I still have if anyone doesn't believe me.
Believe it or not I was actually one. Probably for about a day. Before the bunking started.

I've applied for student rep; sounds so stupid and something people will probably laugh at, but as I'm still building my cv for when I can work it might help, along with my volunteering..

It's my day off finally! I've been excited to feel like Liam and get that "I need a drink" feeling..

My slow recovering brain.

ive come to terms with the whole 'your recovery will slow down' .. People kept telling me and at first with my leg 'coming back' I thought my recovery was so fast,

No one (accept others recovering) have watched their body do amazing things and recover everyday..
The smallest improvements is enough to put a smile on your face, for the person and others..

After seeing my physiotherapist I have been strengthening my arm and shoulder,
'Work down the arm..'

I use a 0.5kg weight on my arm; lift it forwards till I can feel the stretch, push it out to the side, bend my elbow and straighten it.. All of these I repeat 3 times a day with 10 reps..

I stretch my hand, I open it on a table or against a wall and lean on it..

Last night I decided to try to use my hand, I lifted/ picked up some foam type blocks and dropped them in a box,
I managed quite a lot, mainly because Liam kept repeating 'next one, go on do another one'..

I'll recieve messages from family members saying 'keep up the good work, it's about training the brain'
Hence the name of my blog ( to those who thought I was running a marathon)

I woke up without a headache because I've released the tension I had on my shoulder

I'm slowly coming out of holding my arm and walking, it's so hard!
But this is my slow recovery, it finally seems like it's going to get better..

Not 100% but a good range

Yesterday I had physiotherapy for the first time in two years, it was mainly about my arm as I need the strength back to even start learning how to use the hand..

"okay so what can you do?"

I lift it, straighten it and lift it out to the side..

"Okay that's a lot of range and movement, could you lay on the bed.."

" relax"
She stretches my arm down back and above my head..
"Ouch ouch ouch"
*oh my god it's so sore and tight..*

You know when you have to push against the resistance of someone pushing you towards yourself..
I failed every time, but that's normal as I am still weak..

" you can feel where you haven't stretched it in a while, it's not 100% but that's normal"
*oh dear Lizzie, you need to try harder.. But how can you when you had no guidence*

"Right I'm going to get you some exercises..
Your shoulder isn't sublaxed so you get start doing weights at the gym, only small though.."
*YAAY! I email my personal trainer..*
Today I'm going to the gym to do this..

I get home and Liam stretches my arm like the exercises say..

" fuck sake I can't open my fingers to push against the wall!!"
"Lizzie, calm down and keep trying you give up to fast.."
* it's so hard, but try try try*

I managed to do all the exercises and I can move it a lot easier, it relaxes by my side after doing them too..
I used to get severe headaches after trying to move it, this made me give up.. Now they've stopped!

She told me to stop holding my arm
( I'm the girl who clings onto her left arm with my right arm, hiding the fact it rests in an awkward position)
I get embarrassed because it looks odd..
But I managed not to hold it the whole way to the gym and home..
Massive achievement ( breaking bad habits)
"You need to remember to let it relax by your side.."

I loved physio as much as I used to hate it, she really helped with giving me so much advice that's do able ( if that's a word..)

Something new to look forward too

the walk I was once anxious to walk
* slow down incase you fall, you don't want to get tired before starting*

Today I enrolled to year two of uni,
I completed the first year which I never knew didn't count towards my degree, but still an achievement,

When I suffered from my stroke as well as walking I wanted and aimed to return to university..
Goal completed, I never had the chance to apply to year two, this time I HAVE!
Goals;
Complete year two with a better grade
Try and attend everyday stop fatigue getting in the way..

*lizzie you're starting to sound like Bridget jones*

I had a meeting with the support assistant about what I needed help and support with, I was so assertive and told her what I thought I needed this year..
Luckily the lsa that wouldn't stop following me around has left!
( she was lovely but I'm sure she stopped people talking to me)
I mean what 22 year old needs someone waiting outside the toilet for them?!

I still speak my mind and obviously that part of my brain still needs reconnecting as everyone even Liam gets embarrassed when someone pushes me and my response is enough swear words to get me beaten up..

I've overcome so much more than I thought I would and to be honest even before the stroke I probably wouldn't of been applying to year two
( I treated it like school.. 'Bunking' but not in the toilets.. In bed)

"It's my goal I'm going to do it"

My stroke of positivity confidence and independence

I used to blame you for ruining my life, I used to write to you as if you could just make it all better..
So here's my apology;

Dear brain,
I'm sorry for accusing you of ruining what I though was a good life, I'm sorry for telling you I hated what you did,
At the time I thought I had it all.. I though my life was ruined,
Notes on my hospital wall from family members
'Liz in 6 months you'll be even better'
I'd brush off my shoulders ignore and laugh at..

Only to realise that two years later they were right and enjoyable to read..

The nights I cried over so many stupid things,

Thinking that the people I classed as friends were infact as fake as Kim kardashians bum.

I've learnt so much from my stroke, it's given me independence confidence and so much more, the disabilities aren't all noticeable, I'm still broken inside my skull, my brain still isn't fully connected..

I'm learning to adapt and realising that I'm a lot stronger than I think..

So that's my stroke of positivity confidence and independence,
Dear brain;
I will continue to prove all those who doubted me wrong.

Please don't tell me what to do

I'm capable of doing anything I want to,
Most people do assume I need that extra bit of help ( angry emoji face)
I get told to sometimes accept it, not by my brain but by others that I tell..

" do you want me to help you?"
*lizzie don't get angry, just calm down*

My brain has a fight, if it's between the left side and the right so I don't know..
*dont do it*
I've learnt to not say what's on my mind.. As much as I would on Twitter,

"No I'm fine thankyou"
They offer the help if I need it soon after..

I struggle with some things and you can tell, my arm hanging down in a bent position, my leg shaking and my face that expresses a strange concentrating face..

*sigh*
This is to prove I can do it, after I've achieved the task..

I hate it so much when people assume I can't walk very far or climb stairs, my reaction
"I've learnt to do it, so I will I'm not a child"
*push it come on, bend straighten, lift, bend, place..*

I still tell my brain how to move my leg, how to straighten it and place it..
I'll always be learning to walk and it's my recovery, it's not the best 'gateway' but it's making me walk so I'm happy..

When I; stand, walk and sometimes get into the shower or out of bed, I have a smile on my face so happy because I know I've achieved this and I. Pulsing do it a few years ago..

My recovery is probably only just starting, sounds so weird but it's only just started becoming noticeable; the breathless steps I walk, the tingles I get on my left side, the times I'll be scratching my arm or leg, thinking "oh my god, the feelings coming back!!"

No matter what my disability is no matter what I can and can't do, I'll always challenge myself because I was told "it's only going to get better"

As harsh as it sounds when I sometimes say "Liam I really can't do this"
We both look around or talk about how if it happened to people we know they wouldn't cope, it makes my confidence grow because it's probably true..

Chemotherapy..

''Were giving you chemotherapy''
''It's not curable, its manageable''

*Lizzie, hold in the tears don't cry*

''I've printed off a sheet of information about the condition''
*It says macmillan cancer.. what is going on*

''Here you go, have a read, I will monitor you by regular blood tests''

I walked to the hospital pharmacy, sat on a wooden chair opposite the toilets shaking
*who do I tell??*
Holding in the tears trying to think ''Happy thoughts'' I managed to keep calm..
reading a sheet that tells me my condition..
Random words swirling round my head;
*chemotherapy*
*bone marrow*
*stroke*
*shit*
and so on..

All I could picture was my mum when she had chemotherapy for her cancer, and how strong she stayed, she's my inspiration and who I will gain my strength from.

It's not cancer.

Okay so not a lot of people know as I tend to try to keep it all to myself, I was diagnosed with 'Essential Thrombocythaemia' basically a rare condition affecting the bone marrow, I have ''too many platelets' these help the blood clot,

They've discovered it by taking a blood test, my blood range is between 600 - 800 when its meant to be between 150 - 400

It's basically what caused my stroke but has only just been found,

Chemotherapy is a way of managing it for me, as i'm on so much medication they can't interfere and give me anything else;

Hydroxycarbamide; is a tablet form of chemotherapy..

Obviously when I first heard 'were giving you chemo' I nearly screamed, but its not as bad as it sounds..

The side affects aren't as bad as normal chemo, just a slight similarities;
hair thinning
fatigue
loss of appetite


I started it yesterday as I only take three a week as well as iron tablets everyday,

''Oh my god Lizzie, we need a catch up!!''
''Lizzie, whats happened?!?''

I'm going to put it bluntly,
i need REAL  friends, not fake, you can't come into my life then leave like
'the last lot'
as I'm still recovering from a brain injury..

i'm not a 'story' it's just a journey I'm going to have to overcome..
and I wont let it defeat me.