the hardest thing

As well as the odd stares and funny looks you get because you look 'different' to someone. (this chav that glared at me on the bus today because my arm sticks up and doesn't move, like his.)

Oh and learning to walk again, and not falling asleep when you have a conversation.
I've realised the hardest thing is; Everyday noticing little things that your brain can't do anymore. Goodbye to the brain I thought would carry me through life and had to put up with the constant things I once hated; school, exams and  arguments. And hello to a new brain I have to train to do everything again, I hate how I will get told something like; ''oh liz, you've got an appointment at 9:50 thursday. can you remember?'' and I stupidly reply; ''yeah! i'll remember'' Because before I would, it would be like my brain was a huge diary, i'd remember; peoples names, how to multitask, how to stay awake and appointments for one of the many health conditions I unfortunately have. Or should I say ''unluckily have'' because, yeah to all you people who need to learn how not to make someone feel like absolute shit. I am ''unlucky'' if you hadn't noticed.

Well now; I can't remember much, I forget things and today I made me and Luke wake up at 8, thinking my hospital appointment was at; 9:30. When I was told; 9:50 probably numerous amounts of times, but... I don't remember. So, I turned up with Luke all proud, walked in the office ''Oh, hi! i'm very early, but i've got an appointment at 9:30''
Holding the letter that clearly states; ''Elizabeth 'unlucky Ashmore. you have an appointment at 9:50''
I was so chuffed i'd turned up early, i'm always late now. We both waited on the sofas outside, The lady walks out and politely says; ''Oh, your appointments at 9:50 Elizabeth''.
Talking to me but probably in her head like the rest of the world who doesn't know me but talks to me thinking;''well... she's clearly mad''.

I'm slowly realising things that my brain can't do, which hurts and is hard. I want to just break down and cry, You want someone to just give you their brain and tell you everything will be okay. But they never will, So now and probably until i'm old and grey i'll have to train my brain. Not by doing silly brain training games, but; colouring in, giving myself little things to remember, doing exercises and  walking.

I'm still the same person, at least I try to be. Not to make anyone happy, but to prove to myself i'm not an absolute nutcase.

I've only just started to accept that I forget things. So it's just like accepting that i've had a stroke, which is harder than all of the people that can't even deal with a poxy cold; You're not dying from it, you never will, you need to man up, you're still the same, you haven't changed from it and imagine having a stroke you'd never be able to handle it. No offence, but that hurts; reading people moan about the smallest things.

I'm starting to get my confidence back, slowly but surely and as much as i'd love to, It doesn't mean i'll be clubbing anytime soon. But i'll definately be able to leave the house on my own. So make the most of your brain working and functioning. Don't moan about a cold because there is much worse things that can happen and make the most of being able to; run, walk, jump, swim and smile at someone you know without them trying to find a stupid slant in your face.