Learning to let go

I feel like naming this blog post after something I've spent every single day since my stroke doing..

It's working, slowly... Infact 

S l o w l y . . . 

But nothing worth waiting for comes to you quickly, as you see on those 'relationship quotes' usually posted by someone who's sick of being single & needs a man in their life. 

My learning to let go is about how I'm letting go of my stroke slowly, why? 

Because I don't want it to define me, nor do I need it to be all I have to talk about;

When I see people 

When I walk to shops & feel intimidated by stares of curious/nosey humans 

When I have my splint sticking up over my boots (I try to hide it to not get stared at) but again... What happens will happen. 

Most nights I try to clear my mind to the point of actual exhaustion; forget the stares, forget everyone, think of yourself, be selfish, appreciate your life, good things come to those who wait... 

I need to learn to let go aswell of teaching my brain how to learn (fuck)

How?! 

Yano I wish there was a huge book that just expressed every emotion every day and exactly how I feel... Just to know I'm not alone. 

I have amazing friends, family and an amazing boyfriend but everyone has down moments even people who don't struggle to walk, talk, think, remember, move, stand, laugh, swallow... 

But it's the ones who can get on with daily life & hide how they really feel deep down that are strong... 

I think. 

And I hope you do too ( otherwise this post has tired me out for nothing) 

My battle of unknowing & confusion

Everyday I worry I've going to have a sezuire 

My stroke cause the epilepsy to be an actual illness, I've always had fears of sezuires and when I'll have one...

But this times its so bad that I could be just sitting on a chair and wake up on the floor, unknowing how it felt to physically fall, or how I ended up on the floor...

It's the hardest battle in my ljfe, more than the fact my arm doesn't work as I'm unsure about how to get used to the fact I've  actually had a sezuire..

Even when I was up it scares me; what if I have one when crossing the  road? What if I have one in town and no one finds me in town & I've damaged my head.

I bite through my tongue and I waking up confused after a sezuire, usually really stressed and upset.. 

You would if you woke up on a floor unsure of why you got there.. 

I had sezuires before my stroke but it's been officially diagnosed since my stroke, as I spent a week having sezuires.. I blame adjusting to life; being dumped, stress of how much life had changed, taking on so much...

Oh and a fucking stroke 

All preventable but still happening

You're ill Lizzie

I read through my old diary (2014) which I kept so I could see how different life is now; how far I've come, how much has changed, how things are better now, how I am a lot happier now than last year)

I've always been a very organised person since I started working and having to plan my life in terms of uni and stuff..

I've definitely become worse in terms of organisation because of my stroke (memory loss) 

I always need to know; what I'm doing, what time is best, how I'm gonna plan to get ready, what I'll need, when to wake up.. 

This is mainly because I struggle with change to the point where I screamed in my mums face just because I had to wear a new leg splint (it got so bad she's hidden it) as she knew I'd try to find it.. 

So after reading through my diary from last year I saw January and aimed not to look but.. I did, 

Only to see what I was actually doing the whole time I was ill.. 

Work: 11-5 (called in sick)

Work 3-7 (came home as I was sick)

Had a sezuire.. 

Had an essay due at uni- ( left uni at 1) 

That was my life... 

Struggling & just being ill, not realising that my body was screaming out to me 

'Lizzie you're near to a near death experience please save yourself & your e life'

Basically if it was in a book..

It'd be in the largest boldest and brightest colour just so you couldn't miss it, or ignore it... 

But I did, I've always aimed to be a determined person, 

I'd push past the factors of how to avoid being ill, I'd still choose drinking on the weekend over sleeping and drinking water 

Everyone needs time to reflect & just chill out.. 

My life's definitely improved and obviously become at some points really fucking shit. 

But I've learnt to never dismiss; if I feel ill, 

Never push it away and just calm down instead of rushing everything 

Life's good

My cholesterol is really good and it's always been a problem, as high cholesterol is a common cause of stroke

I'm starting uni again and I'm so excited to actually be back somewhere I left (feels nice to be accepted)

I've grown out of my second ankle splint (this is good as it shows my leg muscles are coming back)

My bloods been perfect for about 2/3 months now (meaning less chance of a stroke

And my memories improving aswell as fatigue 

I'm coming back & if you can't accept it then fuck off

Today I had a chat with my old uni course leader, was it the same man I remembered? No.. 

I've decided to start the course again in two years, as my place is open for 5 

I got a 2:1 in the first section and I don't need to retake it, but 

I'll be in a year with new people & sitting through the tutorials 

I've decided to visit the old class I was in and sit through; talks, portfolio presentations to see how I cope.. 

Am I happy?

Very. 

I'll recieve support financially and while I'm in class; to cut up stuff, sort out my portfolio, write lecture notes down & to organise everything.. 

I'm so excited 

I'm so happy 

And I'm ready to start the rest of my life.. 

But picking up some of it from last time

I'm going to start evening classes in learning again and hopefully this will start my memory to come back properly, also to remember what learning was like.. 

A lost world

I'm visiting my old uni tomorrow, to give books back & formally leave..

I'm meeting Hugh? 

I have an image of a guy who was a course leader, is that Hugh? 

How do I politely say 

'Oh my god! I recognise you now! Stupid memory loss' ha..

I'm playing it over in my head to the point where I'm scarred & missing Towie (this is  rare) 

Those who go to uca or study at Canterbury college will know how intimidating the dreaded walk is past the people who smoke outside the college entrance is.. 

This time I'll get more looks than I did before.. 

What if someone I knew from my past life sees me but I don't recognise them, do I smile?

I'm being told to not force myself to be stressed.. 

'Liz you can cancel'

'Liz you need to stop over thinking'

I've been studying at uca since I was 17, 

Extended diploma then the foundation course then my uni course.. 

I literally haven't walked the journey since I stumbled home suffering a Tia (unrecognised) at the time.. 

When do I leave to be there in time? 

What if going back there makes me cry? As it'll bring back hundreds of amazing memories.. 

All stuck in a lost world to me now.. 

Is it going to look the same as I've prepared images in my head of what I'll see and be faced with, 

Apparently there's a link to my blog & my story where I used to study my extended diploma, what if they've decided to hang up 

Fast posters in order to prevent anything like this happening?

I'm not ready for uni yet..

Probably never will be again.. 

Okay that's a lie, maybe when they decide it's not gonna be £9000 a year I'll happily join..

The same course? No..

The same campus? No.. 

But what I do know is;

I'm not going to rush myself in order to fail.. Not again anyway, 

Breathe Lizzie breathe..

Oh and how do I carry a notepad And books to uni while covering the shameful arm I now live with.. Incase they laugh. 

My distant blurred world

The world seems smaller & more compact.. 

I walk through town hearing the bustling of people trying to reach their destination, pushing past and walking fast.

Speeding up to reach their goal, 

You can hear their voices but not process their words, you try to take it in

*oh that conversation sounds interesting, I'll try and listen, repeat, repeat*

In my head, but then two minutes later it's gone.. 

Where? Who knows.. 

They stare at you and you aim to see a face you recognise, but never do, it's like everyone's avoiding life.. Avoiding the real world.. 

As I sat waiting for my mum in a pub I heard the most amazing quote said to a friend by a girl probably my age.. 

'You do have something special to live for so you can't get through it, there is a reason to beat it'

It fitted perfectly to how I felt at that point; confused, tired, aching but still happy.. 

You get barged and shoved by faces you'll never see again but it's only for that split second. 

Then it's gone.. Gone away,

But the feeling of despair and unknowing if you looked odd stays.. 

That's my blurred distant world 

My memory is returning..

Yesterday I pushed myself to the limit but thought it's the best way to find out if and what I can do.. 

I bought 'gone girl' 

And started reading (something I've never done unless at uni & I needed to read about artists to write an essay..

I spent 3hours reading and even though. I struggled with some of the; taking in the word, understanding chapters ect... 

I remembered everything id read since I started, something I struggled with; I remembered ages people were and I really struggle with remembering and processing numbers 

So I think my memory's coming back..

I don't care

I don't care if you think I look different 

I don't care if you laugh at me when I aim to be like the rest of you who claim to 'be living the best lives'

I don't care that I can't party or get so drunk I forget my own name 

I don't care that I find it hard to think & process things 

I don't care I get doubted when I aim to complete a goal 

But what I do care about is 

How someone can judge you for something that you can't change 

If everyone was the same, the world would be boring

I just want to be normal

I'm sick of seeing everyone's photos of how they 'feel amazing' about how much weight they've lost.. 

I tried to see if I could do that Charlotte crosby's dvd to loose weight until I noticed she was jumping & punching the air with both hands.. 

I can't do that. 

I can't even walk properly, I'm sick of looking in the mirror, simply because I hate how I look now & probably will forever 

this is why I support The stroke association...

I'm not doing it too get sympathy nor am I doing it to get attention,
I'm doing it because my first goal was to learn to walk & be able to walk as far as I can, but with my 'new life'..

I'm doing it because when I was in hospital I said to my family & others..
'' Next year my aim is to do a walk for the stroke association''
because I was so sick of being told that i'd be in a wheelchair for over a year..

My physio's were so shocked when I said that this was my goal, so were my family
my nan assumed i'd walk it 'in bits'
however i'm walking it all at once..
because i'd feel as if the stroke's beaten me if I didn't.
Thats how it feels now,
If I walk & need to stop I instantly assume the stroke's beating me..
thats how my brain keeps me 'going'



''Dad i'm walking 10k for the stroke association''
''Liz do you even realise how far that is?!''
''yeah.. but i'm raising money to save people from having strokes & to help them research new technology to help them get a better recovery''



They say that people are more likely to have strokes over the age of 65..
Sowhat if you suffer one? this money could of helped save your life as well as if any of your grandparents have/had one..
thats how I put it,
But everyones different..


You wouldn't want to see anyone suffer,
so help save a life and donate...



https://www.justgiving.com/Elizabeth-Ashmore



This is why i'm supporting The stroke association;

We provide high quality, up-to-date stroke information for stroke patients, their families and carers 

every year there are approximately 152,000 strokes in the UK. That's one every three and a half minutes. Most people affected are over 65, but anyone can have a stroke, including children and even babies.

Strokes change lives. It can have a huge effect on you and your family. You will most likely want to know as much as you can about what practical, emotional and financial support is available.

everything on their website is the best advice i've been given, since I suffered mine..

instead of; ''oh yeah well.. you've had a stroke''

they provided me with;

booklets on how to help prevent one happening again & how to deal with all the problems that occur after having one, problems that never even hit me till I was able to walk again..

support workers that ring you up on a weekly basis & make sure you're getting the right support for what you're entitled too & how you can get a job or volunteer to aim towards getting a job in the future..

something that I never knew by just laying in a hospital bed.

So thank you to the stroke association & help me to provide them enough money to fund vital research to save a life...

The total spend on stroke research in the UK has increased from £23m to£56m. At the same time, this report provides new evidence that stroke research continues to be significantly underfunded relative to other major diseases. We know that with a growing and ageing population, the burden of stroke is set to double worldwide by the year of 2030, and we need a major shift in efforts and investment into this condition if we are to be in a position to respond.

& to those who are kind enough to of donated already thankyou..

https://www.justgiving.com/Elizabeth-Ashmore 

Right here

I've decided to start writing about my anxiety & depression along side my stroke, as it's a recent diagnosis, but something i've had for ages 'undiagnosed' but known in my head..

I hope those that read my blog on a regular basis aren't upset about this, as I just want to make people clear of life now instead of making it sound like it's a fairytale..
because it's far from that..

I'm sick of people emailing me basically diagnosing me themselves with depression & shit.
you aren't doctors, to those who suggested it from the beginning, so please don't start diagnosing others...

i've had anxiety since before my stroke as I said when I first started writing my blog;
I had a sezuire in-front of loads of people in the middle of town, as it was so unexpected I was so scared,
ever since then I had panic attacks on regular basis's mainly because I felt the sezuire physically coming on, and knew it was going to happen.

this was at a time when I hadn't been diagnosed with epilepsy so my sezuire's would just happen, undiagnosed & randomly causing me to collapse and 'fit' as they call it..
to the point where i'd bite through my tongue and turn blue
(this happens now, but i'm completely un-concious this time)

I was told I had 'low blood sugar'..
so what did I do?
I ate chocolate everytime I felt a panick attack coming on
(atleast 10x's a day)...
When I put on weight I knew it was destroying my life.


Since my stroke I knew I had depression...
or some form of it anyway;

I can't walk outside on my own unless i'm looking at my feet and holding my affected arm in my coat so it's hidden from others.
I can't enjoy anything that I would of before my stroke, as I physically can't process the emotion that demonstrates a happy face.
If someone smiles at me, and i'm with someone i'll instantly ask;
 'were they staring at me?' 'do you think they thought I looked weird?'
and so on....

'mum, do you think i'm depressed'
'nan, I think i'm depressed'
'doctor, can I ask you something?... do you think i'm depressed?'

they all said no...
to make me feel better?
to make me smile & stop the crying?
to make me laugh?



I listen to rudimental's song;
'right here' as the lyrics are so strong;
''please tell me that it's alright..
I wanna know;
please tell me,
cause everybody's  got something,
something they can't hide,
let it out into the open,
right here
right now''
and so on...



It helps me view other people in a different way, and realise that other people have problems too, even though they probably hide it really well. Or just 'stay strong' as people usually suggest you do..
how can you?
when you're physically drained from life.
I don't need this, i'm only 21. I've not even decided what career path to take or how i'll go about even getting one..


I'm fucking terrified of life.

Dear Elizabeth...

'Dear Elizabeth...'
we are writing to tell you that your scores for your session you had over the phone were ranked in the higher rank;
your score was 10 indicating moderate depression & your generalised anxiety order
your score was 10 indicating moderate anxiety
your clinical outcomes in routine evaluation was ranked 19
indicating moderate levels of overall psychologicial distress..
the rest I wont write in here because it's basically personal & would really affect peoples perception of me, but those who know... thank you for being with me through it..


I blame the stress i've had over the past few months, those who i've spoken to about it..
again thank you.
But those who have no idea then why are you even reading this?

Something I didn't need after having to cover up loads of bruises on my face from when I fell on Wednesday & practically confused my brain even more (if thats possible)

So yeah it's officially been diagnosed, so now you can stop suggesting i'm depressed & deal with the fact, I am.

My first visit

Oh great a group of people im like... 

Old, vulnerable, confused, slow, lost and smiling even though it hurts.. 

I hate it. 

I walked into the blood clinic already nervous because it's something I've not done since my stroke; something new, something uncomfortable and to me something I'm not feeling that confident with, especially after falling and nearly breaking my neck last night.. 

'Hello I've got an appointment at 12' 

( it's 11...)

'Wow you're early!' 

'Yeah I know, sorry I've never been here before and wanted to make a good impression'

In my head thinking.. 

'Well I've got fuck all else to do..'

But remembering to be 'polite and nice'

I wait in some scuzzy room surrounded by old people holding their yellow books..

'Here you go Elizabeth if you go on down and you'll be seen'

( my yellow book as if you guys are stupid and wouldn't actually be able to know what one looks like..)

'Oh hello you!' 

(A nurse who would test my blood in hospital)

She then pricked my finger and squeezed loads of blood out.. 

I tried not to look as the first time I was on blood thinners I fainted.. 

She then asked me to wait outside 

So I did.. Anxiously 

'Number 27 please' 

I slowly walked into another scuzzy room .. 

'Oh you're Elizabeth aren't you!' 

I looked at her confused.. 

'Yeah why? Is that bad ha' 

'No not atall my lovely! It's just nice to put a face to a name I've heard so much about'.. 

I just laughed thinking 

(Urgh great, as if life can't be any more stressful, I now need to hide my face..)

'Well your blood was perfect! And on target'

I smiled so much.. 

Every week I get so scared; Argh what if my bloods going to be really thick? Urgh what if eating so many foods that I love are going to cause another stroke.. 

Well that's passed now as my next test  isn't for two weeks.. 

'Well you're on the same dose Elizabeth! So no need to change, but can I ask why you came off warfarin?' 

'Yeah my hair started falling out.. I don't need to be bald I've already had a stroke' 

She laughed.. 

Kind of made a serious conversation turn interesting and I did that! 

I walked to the desk 'wow that was quick!' 

( same nurse telling me I was early as if I had no idea..) 

I smiled, and arranged the next appointment.. 

Quoting that I'd like the 12 o'clock again as 'everyone likes a lay in..' 

She laughed too, 

so I walked out smiling..

I then got on the bus that stank of actual shit. And walked down my road still smiling, 

All the stress of basically life has gone, my bloods perfect, no clots, no thickness 

'In range' as nurses say.. 

'Mike.. Guess what!'

'What?'

'My blood was perfect 

( I gave a huge smile) 

Now all I've got to deal with is the fact I smeared blood all over my screen as I wrote this.. 

But that'll be a worry that's passed by the end of the day.. 

Dear year, can you just be good?

To this year, 

I need to just be happy and not have anything crap thrown at me..

I can't handle the; damage, shock or heartache from something bad again. 

I had a massive 'breakthrough sezuire' today and ended up in a&e to be xrayed as I face planted the floor and smashed my affected arm in an awkward position.. 

Please don't be the start to a shit year; 

I'm scared and in shock that I can't process anything as much as I could before I fell, I'm scared to go to my blood test tomorrow incase I fall, incase something happens to me.. 

So please don't be the start to a shit year 

Because I physically can't take on anymore.. 

One year mark

One year ago today I was oblivious to the fact my life was going to change so dramatically over night.. 

I'm terrified, terrified I'll wake up paralysed terrified I'll have another stroke 

I think it's normal to think like that as it's such a big event 

'This year must of dragged for you'

It actually hasn't.. 

It's literally been the quickest year I've gone through (thank god) 

Obviously the hardest though. 

I mean it's amazing how something can affect someone so much 

All I can think of is the poor people that are stuck on Kingston ward right now; being woken up at 8 for tablets 

Blood pressure checks every 5 minutes and the worst foods or purée drinks that taste of crap just because they can't swallow anything.. 

The fear they must feel every second of there time spent there and how they still feel confusion even after they've been told it's a stroke atleast 10times.. 

Vulnerable to the world and oblivious to anything not knowing if they'll recover atall or just stay in a wheelchair, that scares me more than anything 

Maybe because I've been there or maybe because my brains recovering enough to finally understand other people's emotions 

Who knows? 

Thankyou

Thankyou to those who believe in me and those who believe I can beat this stroke 

Thankyou to those who have stuck by me and not left me to suffer in silence.. 

Suffer the loss; the heartbreak, the emotions, the dignity I lost, the confidence I've lost, the days where I wanted to just give up and end everything, the days where I need to just be me and feel normal.. 

But mainly the days where all I needed was a shoulder to cry on and open up my feelings too 

Everyone's suffering something hard in life but when you get the feeling that you're just lost and unable to cope

All you need is that support 

So this is my Thankyou 

Because last time I wrote a huge list I had numerous emails about people id forgotten even though I suffer memory loss.. I'm trying. 

And so should you, to support me through it. 

I love you grandad

He falls asleep in his chair watching some awful cowboy film or random quiz show.. 

Leaving me and my nan to just aimlessly watch it laughing as he snores away and his head drops as he falls into a deeper sleep.. 

Every time I visit my grandparents my grandad comes to the door as fast as he can and pulls me into his arms kisses my cheek..

Grabbing my shoulders and pulling me away asking how I am, with his big blue eyes full of love looking into my eyes and his lips turning into a large smile showing his wine stained perfectly straight  teeth.. 

It's that, I wrap both my arms around his waist, wobbling to get closer and pull in tighter.. 

Kissing his cheek and smelling his strongly scented aftershave, That hasn't changed since I was atleast 5.. 

Tencing my affected arm as much as I can to match my right arm to try and prove his hugs mean more than anything

'Oh don't grandad I'm gonna cry!' 

Nan smiles 

'Oh haha Derek don't you'll start her off.. She loves her grandads hugs' 

I cry...

'Yeah so much' we smile at each other and he grabs my arm.. We walk to his room (front room but it's his den to me, as well as the loft full of his games).. 

'You want some wine love?' 

I laugh.. 

'No I'm fine Thankyou' he still sips on his wine after describing what make and where it's from.. 

With a heartfelt smile 

'go on have a sip' 

'No honestly I'm fine grandad' 

'Derek! Put the kettle on..' 

Nan tries to influence him not to drink 

As he does drink to much but;

Whatever floats your boat and makes you happy.. 

Nothing beats my grandads hugs and  the feeling they give me will never be replaced 

I love you grandad 

Officially disabled

Something people want and somewhere people get annoyed of if they drive is disabled parking bays. Mainly if every other place to park is full..

I've recently recieved my blue badge, so I'm officially disabled.. 

If whoevers driving parks in a disabled bay and I haven't got my badge I wait in the car.. 

'Can you wait here a minute I'm just popping in' 

Cause that basically demonstrates they can't be bothered to walk my pace or are to ashamed to be seen with me.. 

That's how it feels anyway, 

Imagine sitting in a car surrounded by signs demonstrating the fact you have a disability 

I do.. 

It's an 'easy way of getting free parking but it's a shit time for the person who physically has their name on the badge, 

'You need a blue badge you should apply'

Why? So you can park for free and get satisfaction out of what's happened too me.. 

Cause for me it's a plastic card exploiting that I can't do normal things anymore .

Indecisive brain

What to do when you're so confused that you walk into a room and past the thing you needed to pick up off the huge table you walked past on your way of seeming so determined to walk too.. 

You stop and actually ask yourself

'Lizzie why did you walk past it?'

'Are you mad?'

I am...

My brains 

'in training' 

In training for something that seems impossible 

Endless blood tests and doctors 'check up' appointments..

Forever answering the same questions;

'You okay?!'

'How you feeling today?'

'How do you do it?'

'How's your arm?'

And the same answer comes out everytime...

'Oh yeah you know, I'm fine, just getting on with it'

Because you have no choice 

Battling away and forgetting all the times you struggle to stay awake and forget what you're meant to do, sitting on a stool everytime you have a shower because your legs can't hold you for long enough..

Forgetting that you're reminded everyday of what happened.. 

Forgetting that you wear a huge plastic thing on your leg to help you walk 

You somehow push past it and just say you're fine.. 

I remind myself how far I've actually come everyday every time I walk to the closest place near me.. 

Doesn't help. 

'You seem depressed'

I'm not I'm just mourning for a life I once lived.. 

You would.

It's 'normal to feel like this you know'

What?! Cause I certainly didn't a year ago.. 

It's a new normal that will never seem normal to me.. 

Hopefully I can have my cup of tea now..

I bumped into the physiotherapist that taught me how to walk today.. 

And visited the stroke ward to say hi to the nurses who saved my life.

I waited aimlessly on a red chair in the gym I learnt to stand in.. 

The dusty apparatus and plinths with pillows ready for the next patient to lay on and work hard to bring back their strength dignity and life.. 

I watched an old man take his first steps in the same place I took mine, he turned to me and winked.. 

'That's how you do it love' 

I giggled and remembered how amazing it feels when you do actually do it.. 

I looked at him and smiled a huge grin silently replying

'Go on, you can do it, hold your head high and smile'

He smiled again.. 

'I need to sit down' he stumbled back to his wheelchair...

I remember the pain and tiredness you get from your first steps, you're so used to being in a bed relaxing, sleeping all day everyday just looking around you aimlessly..

As the physio left him he tried to stand up..

I shook my head and he laughed..

It's like a toddler, if you laugh they think your encouraging them to try it again .. So I just ignored it.. 

The physio returned (thank god)

'right Albert were gonna attempt stairs next'..

He looked terrified, scared, hopeless and distraught. That's when I felt the tear roll down my cheek.. I wiped my eye and smiled at him. 

You need people to cheer you on, that's how the determination to carry on starts 

He was gripping the physio's arm.. 

'This is your chance to shine give it your all'

He gave me the cutest smile and carried on, challenging himself to complete the flight of 4 wooden steps.. 

After half an hour he was wheeled back to the ward.. 

'Hopefully now I'll get a cup of tea' 

I laughed.. 

Watching someone so vulnerable not only because of what's happened to them but the age they are; physically and now mentally.. Imaging living atleast 65 years so independent and confident then one day your life is.. 

Gone

He's a fighter and Albert will be walking the streets in no time.. 

Hello distant friend

Today I challenged myself to something that I struggled to do under a year ago, I have to go upstairs to my physio at the hospital.. 

I saw the stairs and reminded myself of how much I struggled with them when I was in hospital.. I remembered the puffs of breaths is have to take everytime I stepped up one step and the crying I did when I reached the first flight ( feeling exhausted and unable to physically step up anymore steps) 

The crying I did when I reached the top and how I grabbed my family and physio repeatedly saying 'I DID IT!!!' the smile on my face when my late night visitors came to see me 'I climbed my first flight of stairs!!! Mum we don't need to move to a bungalow, I fucking did it!!!' 

So this was my goal and today I managed to do it twice... The joy of refusing the get the lift down when I knew I could walk down them and the thrill it gave me made me feel so happy I could cry. 

I love how good I feel after achieving something that I couldn't nearly a year ago now.. 

The joy the tears and the happiness it gave me, that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you achieve something you've aimed for. 

So I did it.. Not only once but twice and I feel amazing.