Right here

I've decided to start writing about my anxiety & depression along side my stroke, as it's a recent diagnosis, but something i've had for ages 'undiagnosed' but known in my head..

I hope those that read my blog on a regular basis aren't upset about this, as I just want to make people clear of life now instead of making it sound like it's a fairytale..
because it's far from that..

I'm sick of people emailing me basically diagnosing me themselves with depression & shit.
you aren't doctors, to those who suggested it from the beginning, so please don't start diagnosing others...

i've had anxiety since before my stroke as I said when I first started writing my blog;
I had a sezuire in-front of loads of people in the middle of town, as it was so unexpected I was so scared,
ever since then I had panic attacks on regular basis's mainly because I felt the sezuire physically coming on, and knew it was going to happen.

this was at a time when I hadn't been diagnosed with epilepsy so my sezuire's would just happen, undiagnosed & randomly causing me to collapse and 'fit' as they call it..
to the point where i'd bite through my tongue and turn blue
(this happens now, but i'm completely un-concious this time)

I was told I had 'low blood sugar'..
so what did I do?
I ate chocolate everytime I felt a panick attack coming on
(atleast 10x's a day)...
When I put on weight I knew it was destroying my life.


Since my stroke I knew I had depression...
or some form of it anyway;

I can't walk outside on my own unless i'm looking at my feet and holding my affected arm in my coat so it's hidden from others.
I can't enjoy anything that I would of before my stroke, as I physically can't process the emotion that demonstrates a happy face.
If someone smiles at me, and i'm with someone i'll instantly ask;
 'were they staring at me?' 'do you think they thought I looked weird?'
and so on....

'mum, do you think i'm depressed'
'nan, I think i'm depressed'
'doctor, can I ask you something?... do you think i'm depressed?'

they all said no...
to make me feel better?
to make me smile & stop the crying?
to make me laugh?



I listen to rudimental's song;
'right here' as the lyrics are so strong;
''please tell me that it's alright..
I wanna know;
please tell me,
cause everybody's  got something,
something they can't hide,
let it out into the open,
right here
right now''
and so on...



It helps me view other people in a different way, and realise that other people have problems too, even though they probably hide it really well. Or just 'stay strong' as people usually suggest you do..
how can you?
when you're physically drained from life.
I don't need this, i'm only 21. I've not even decided what career path to take or how i'll go about even getting one..


I'm fucking terrified of life.