I just want to be like you

The past few weeks I've carried on trying to 'live my life' trying to do as much as I can just so I can prove I'm able to do it again, 

I go out and do so much walking to the point where my knees ache, I don't nap when I should and just let my body carry on.. Knowing that it's over working, 

I'm trying to hard to be someone I once was, someone who could do pretty much everything, I've made my recovery about getting to know myself and my damaged body, that has become much more damaged since my stroke, making it harder to even think..

I find it impossible to even deal with the simplest of tasks, trying to just do it to prove to myself and others I can beat the stroke, 

Can it be beaten?

Can it be defeated?

Can it create new pathways to just clear away the mess it's created 

I used to think it would, I was so determined it would be beaten and could be defeated, not in terms of getting rid of it completely because that's not possible.

But atleast to the point where I can go out and just do what other people do, without needing a whole week to recover from just going shopping, 

I'm pushing my body to the limit and it's destroying me, destroying how far I've come and the times when I was so determined that it's being beaten.

That was another test, a test that at the end instead of achieving I've failed, failed at trying to be like the rest of you..

Welcome back

Welcome back to the brain I lost for all that time, welcome back to the nights out I couldn't enjoy and the long day trips out and about, you know the ones where you walk so much your bum aches..

Obviously for me it hurts so much that I get tired and angry, stressing whoever I'm with to the point of them getting annoyed..

Welcome back to the lost memories I thought I'd forgotten, I remember everything that I forgot once.. Even if it's as small as a random conversation I had years ago..

Welcome back to the smile I once longed for, because I couldn't lift that side up high enough to reach the other

Welcome back to my brain who's more active, mentally and physically.. Making it easier for me to get through everyday, remembering laughing joking and creating new memories..

Welcome back to the girl who couldn't even cope with seeing old friends without crying and needing extra support.. Welcome back to the leg I once lost and was stuck in a bed unable to turn myself over to even sleep..

Welcome back to the motivation I lost but knew would help me recover, the determination that was needed and struggled to create a pathway in my damaged brain..

Welcome back to the educational world and learning phase of life, to the new start of returning to uni and trying my hardest to not fail, giving me more strength to carry on with the rest of my life that I once dreaded and thought wasn't possible and wanted to end..

Welcome back independence and confidence that help me get through each day, the ones I once lost? You know when I really struggled to even wake up and leave the house, I've got you back and you're never leaving my side

Welcome to the new world new pathways in my damaged brain and nerve endings that have come back to life in a different way but a way that are going to get better, mentally physically and positively.. 

Goodbye to the down days and days where I thought life would never give me any of this back...

I'm different but I'm still me

I get funny looks a lot, because I have a thick plastic splint on my leg, that you can see through my trousers, 

Because if I don't hold my arm my clenched fist sticks out, scaring people until they look at it and look confused

Because when I talk half my face is slower than the other 

Because when I eat food I can only use one arm 

Im stilll the same Lizzie and I'm still the same as everyone else, I just need to take my disability into account before anything else; checking I'm safe, checking I have everything I'll need, checking I'm comfortable enough to walk for a whole day, checking that I don't slurr my words when I talk.. 

Checking I have all the medication I need for the day that's ahead of me... 

I've fought far to much to let anything affect how far I've come. I've fought battles I never thought I would fight, but it's helped me become who I am today and given me a peice of mind that there is reasons to try at whatever life throws at you... 

Illness, health, courage, determination, upset, heartbreak and so on... 

In still the same Lizzie you knew, I'm just living life in a slower more cautious pace than the rest of the world 

Thankyou

I never used to thank my stroke mainly because I hated how I thought it had destroyed my life and everything about who I was..

I know that I started to enjoy life again and began to thank my stroke for everything I've learnt since,

I found it hard to do that after I was let down again... 

But recently I've understood that the best way to realise life could be worse is if you go out and just meet friends that'll help you get over the fact you feel down..

I had a really bad phase a few weeks ago exactly the same as just after my stroke, only a few people I know and talk to actually know what I'm talking about, 

I felt vulnerable again, lost, hurt and at breaking point.. Once again, it made me want to shut myself in a room and cry for days

But the past few weeks I'm picking myself up again, I go out nearly everyday and just enjoy living again,

My strokes made me much stronger than I ever was before, it's made me recognise how even when you feel like you're at breaking point things will always get better, no matter how it doesn't seem like it.. Just persevere with the pain till you realise your minds so distracted that you forget the pain you once thought was the end of the world... 

I'm living my life how I want

I found it so hard to accept myself for who Id become and how I was to other people 

And for the first time in months ive learnt to accept myself, no ones controlling me, no ones putting me down and im doing what I want..

Imagine being scared to do what you wanted, ive always been the type to go out have a laugh and drink as much as I wanted, so I did... 

I was so drunk and confident I even let my arm hang out and let people stare, I felt uncomfortable but then realised its who I am now and what I've become, 

It's something you can't change and something that I have to live with, you can't just snap out of it...

As much as ive accepted myself, I'd love to wake up and not have to deal with it

But I'm learning to deal with it..

And so should you,

Don't stare at me when I stumble (drunk or not)

Don't laugh at my hand because it's clenched in a fist (because I can't change that) it might scare you at first but imagine living like it; the stares, the fact it doesn't work, the frowns when people see it...

Don't stare at my leg splint outline that shows through my leggins; it helps me walk and comes with me as who I now I am..

Don't tell me I'm brave or amazing; I needed to deal with it so I did.. I mean you can if you want...

Don't waste your time..

I literally spent years of my life saying shit like 

'Oh my god I can't even do this, this is the hardest thing ever!'

Sometimes about something as stupid as  doing pe at school...

'Urgh I literally hate this, like why me?!? This will be the hardest thing I'll ever do'

(About my maths GCSE)

And so on ...

Don't waste your time telling yourself you can't do something, especially if you're going to accuse it or state it as 'the hardest and most impossible task'

Because it won't be..

I realised that, THIS is the hardest thing,

I never thought I had determination or motivation, but strangely I do... 

I made it my goal to not give up even if it meant walking when I should of still been in a wheelchair..

Or, walking upstairs differently to how I was taught.

I'm not 'half way there' im never going to be, because there's no timescale or reflection of how far along you are..

It's a lifelong process and WILL be the hardest thing im going to do, but Thankyou to my stroke for making me realise; people will hurt you and destroy you and sometimes ruin your life.. But it does get better still is and always will..

So you are the hardest thing I've got and will always have.. 

It feels nice

It feels nice to be aiming for uni this year or next depending on my recovery 

It feels even better to be able to catch up with old mates and do whatever I want.

It feels nice to just live every moment as if  nothing's going to get me down like I've been hurt before

You know the feeling you get when you feel so free that just staring out the window aimlessly makes you smile

I've dealt with the worst parts but I'm aiming to overcome them and try my best to be better than I was this time last year

So I'm gonna keep my head up and deal with life, 

Since my stroke and dealing with everything I realised I was searching for me.. The new me.

Who is slowly appearing 

The most amazing family

To every single family member I have on here and to my nan and grandad who read these posts regularly.. 

Thankyou to visiting me at the hardest times and putting up with everytime I get wound up or cry..

To my nan and grandad:

You're the most amazing people and have supported me through so much, I honestly couldn't thank you enough...

To my uncle Dennis..

 

You drove so far to give me a bag or haribos and definetly Rock the glasses you used to wear as did my auntie rock  the short perm..

To my youngest sister Heidi,

I know you can't read but I will read this to you when you're old enough to understand that you are the strongest person I know, I've dealt with shit but you are truly amazing and don't deserve what life's given to you ( we're unfortunately given the bad family genes) but.. We're strong enough to pull through, keep smiling little one because that's why we love you, it's gotta be tough before it gets better, but you'll become stronger because of everything you're dealing with. I promise you 

To my dad,

We don't speak much but I know you love me unconditionally to the point where you will still make me laugh even if you're making strange German jokes and telling me chinese people go to the dentists at 2:30

My mum,

You know how amazing you are so I don't need to tell you why..

To my step dad;

Thankyou that is all, Thankyou for carrying me to bed the night of my stroke and finding me to help save my life, sitting through every arguement and even though you sip your tea really fucking loud. I love you and you're the best step dad 

You don't know the struggles

You can try to understand and respect how I feel but truth is you never will..

How long it takes to know if you're fully awake to wake up and start the day, trying to push past the fatigue and yawning.

The shower stool that needs to be lifted in the shower with one arm, and how it wobbles when you get it in place, always questioning if it's safe enough to sit on..

The constant 'do you want me to cut that up for you?' When you're rocking a fork on a tough peice  of food just to prove you CAN and will cut it up, how harsh you feel after aggressively saying 'no I need to learn to do it.' 

When you lay all the clothes your planning to wear out in the order you need to put them on in, so you don't get stressed if you forget..

The one armed way of putting tops on and trousers, not to mention when your bra gets stuck in the gap your shoulder has aswell as being so tight that it cuts you..

Sitting at the dressing table wondering if today your face will look as symetrical as it once did.. 'Do I need to do my lip liner higher?' Quick smile at myself in the mirror,

'ARGH fuck sake!' When you burn your ear trying to straighten your hair but can't even move your head away fast enough to not feel the pain..

The splint that has to be velcroed to your leg just so you can walk like everyone else, checking if you can see it with the clothes you're wearing enough so people don't stare, if you can you change your whole outfit..

You get tired from your fatigue kicking in after spending hours getting ready, sometimes just to pick up the endless amounts of drugs that you have to take, otherwise you'd suffer another stroke and possibly die.

Having to juggle holding your breakfast tablets and a drink up the stairs from the kitchen to eat your breakfast, sometimes struggling so much you just throw the bowl on the floor and scream 'fuck you then I'll go fucking hungry, cunt.' 

Then sitting on the sofa crying because you realise how much you've changed inside and out..

And won't be the same as you once were but you 'have to accept it' you can't forget about it,

It's there to stay and always will be..

Don't control me

Don't tell me you'll look after me

Don't tell me I'm not ready 

Don't tell me I'm not strong enough

Don't pretend you'll help me 

Don't get in the way of my recovery by stressing me out

And don't treat me like dirt on the bottom of my shoe

Two can play that game and trust me, I've dealt with worse shit. 

You aren't that special to control me

I will become what I deserve

I honestly don't need to carry on letting the stroke be my life;

'What happened to you're hand?'

'I fell over broke my leg & sprained my wrist, but it's fine'

Sick of explaining everything to random people who just tell me I'm too young and pretend to be sympathetic...

The quote I've used is from a song that's helped me;

Ben Howard- the fear

It makes me realise that you'll only get what you work for..

Same for anyone, not just me.

My leg splints started to rub (second splint) which means my leg muscle is growing, so I need a new one..

Still got drop foot, I can't be bothered to explain what it is, look it up...

I'm deciding that going back to uni this year is better for me, as I'll meet new people and start to 'be part of the crowd' 

I have/need to accept what my body is like now, so I will hold my head high and smile even if you frown at me..

Wondering 

'What's happened to her?'

Watching Jeremy Kyle once a month makes me realise I could be worse off..

So I'm going to work on my recovery 

And I will become what I deserve 

You need to learn to love yourself liz

My mum always says this too me, I always used to ignore it because I could just get up arrange a night out and get really drunk..

Now I have to overcome the fear of;

Leaving the house

Possible stares 

Bumping into someone I know

Getting confused

Falling over

Having another stroke

'Liz you need time to get to know yourself and love yourself'

I found it impossible at first because I was in shock and so unhappy with the 'not knowing' if I'd be that 'depressed' forever...

I overcame that and fought the hardest battle..

'You've got to overcome the worst stage before you realise you're happy and that things don't stay bad forever'

How?

I've honestly given up the whole 'it'll get better' because everytime I do I get let down,

I can't pick my heels up and buy a nice outfit and drink as much wine as I can with my 'girls' the people I'd rely on to make me feel better and cheer me up,

I'm now stuck...

Confused 

Hurt

Lost

Empty 

And playing random songs that I hated, 

I'll learn to love myself and I'll pick myself up again...

Just go away

Can it all just go away, 

Leave me alone and let me be happy

Can you just never of happened, 

Leave my system and pretend you never happened

I hate you,

I wish you never changed me to something so spiteful 

I wish you never took away my friends and happiness..

You're never going to leave me alone

And I can't deal with you anymore 

What if it comes back?

Tomorrow hopefully I'm picking up the saeboflex which helps you grip/open your hand.. I used it last week and those who read my blogs know how excited I was to see my hand move.

Truth is, I'm really scared.. 

I don't know how to cut up food, I don't know how to get dressed using both hands 

I don't know how to do my hair how I would before

I don't know how it feels to use both hands to wash my hair...

It's in my brain but in a part that I've forgotten how to use, I always say 

'A new arm?'

If mum goes to the shop and asks if I want anything.. 

But in reality I just want to remember what it feels like to use it, when I lifted it using the saeboflex last week, it went all stiff and made my shoulder ache, I've had a neck ache since.. 

I don't want that, I want to just use it like all of you other humans...

Like a 'normal' person would..

But I'm really scared, I feel like if I did the 'wrong movement' or if it did come back and it 'plays up' people will just laugh.. 

Because without my right arm gripping (hiding) my left so the world don't notice it and stare.. 

No one can tell I'm 'not all there' 

I'll just be a regular young person walking down the street..

When I hide it or let it stick out, people have a sense that I struggle with stuff and I need 'that extra bit of help' as my nan says..

It'll be so weak and stiff when I first use it, IF The saeboflex works and a miracle happens...

That I almost don't want it back..

Because I'm scared. 

Muscle bulk

After a stroke you loose literally all the muscle you had on the side that's affected.. I became so fragile where I was so weak and unable to do much, at first I just thought I was really skinny but since I've been walking a lot more and eating so much more than I did at first ive started feeling fat (as every girl/woman does) but I keep pushing the fact that this  stage of me actually weighing more and being 'overweight' is actually much better  for my body and stamina, 

I'm less fatigued but do still fall asleep as soon as I hit the pillow, 

I get more compliments on 'you look so well' but I think it's where I don't look like I'm too skinny as I've never been the type of girl who was tiny..

Let me go...

After a brain injury you're so impatient that you want everything done when you're ready.. 

You're timings have to be planned, you can't wait around or you get bored and frustrated, you plan everything you've got to; do, buy and so on... 

I was always impatient but I'd say since my stroke im much worse.. 

The main purpose of this blog is to point out that I'm ready to grow up, I'm an adult, just a slightly affected adult, I want to grow old and grow up, not with my stroke but in a way that I'm comfortable with.. 

I get treated like I'm 12, no one respects when you're ready because they assume it's your brain saying the wrong thing.

No one understands how you feel when you're willing to beat a goal or do something for the 'first time' they try to stop you, asif you're brains playing up until you have to physically say 'NO, I'm ready! I want to do it.. I can do it' 

Then they assume you're angry,

You try so hard to sound normal and like an adult but your brain stops you..

You wouldn't be human if you didn't make mistakes either; going out with a dickhead, drinking to much, doing drugs, smoking to much ect... 

One of the hardest moments since my stroke is telling my mum to 'let go';

'Mum I know you've cared for me since I was a baby I know I've suffered a major brain injury that's affected a lot and I respect you'll always care mainly because of my illnesses but it's time you let me go...'

I can't understand the pain she feels as I haven't got a child, but I can imagine the feeling as I had to let go of my old life in order to start my new one... 

Using my left hand for the first time

You know the saying 'that feeling you get when you see your food coming in a resturant' mine was..

The feeling you get when you're in the last lesson at school before lunchtime...

I tried the saeboflex (hand movement device) for stroke patients and the feeling I got when I was asked to grip and ball and move it to the box (opening gripping and using my arm) was the best feeling I've ever had..

My thumbs to small for the device to be used at the moment but he's ordering me a new one and I'm going to religiously use it because to have that feeling everyday for the rest of my life would make me happier than when I was coming home from hospital...

I wanted to cry but my physio is a new physio I've recently discovered and he'd probably be confused... 

'Don't get your hopes up baby'

I won't but that feeling to just pick something up with the movement of my arm and hand was too good to not expect anything more than my hand coming back