Getting on with life

'You need to accept what's happened to you Lizzie'

Words I never thought would actually be believable..

You wouldn't, not after you cant walk, use your arm and have no confidence whatsoever..

I'm over the milestone of feeling like I should create my 'new life' as the girl who suffered a stroke.

In hospital I would of written about 200 thank you cards for; support, kindness and just visiting me.. Helping me know that I have moral support and did have friends..

Now if I could I'd only write 5.

People couldn't and can't handle my brain injury, you can't express why you laugh to the point where you have stitches over the smallest thing.

You can't explain how you can't take in two things at once anymore and that you're walking fast because you're focused on one destination..

'Lizzie it's this way..'

You can't explain how no matter how many times you've walked that route but even a day Later you've forgotten the route you just know where you're headed..

I walk to the best of my ability, I don't need to think about it as much, unless I'm walking downstairs or I know the person I'm with wants me to speed up..

I get scared

'Am I walking really slow? Ha I'm so sorry I walk well slow'

( anxious smile) 

'Are you embarrassed about my arm? Cause I can hide it..'

Obviously everyone I first meet or actually know says.. 

'No course not don't be stupid it's who you are'

Because their scared to look at me and say 'a little bit..'

I can walk looking ahead now, 

'Liz you need to learn to look up when you walk'

Something my mum would say..

I only get brain freeze on the right side of my head, no idea why maybe because it's so affected but needs to process the freeze..

And no I can't feel when you poke me  anywhere on my left side..

You wake up with a numb arm and think it's the end of the world

'Oh my fucking god I can't feel my arm!'

My whole left side feels like that, or I should say 'doesn't feel but is like that'

'You honestly can't even tell Lizzie you look completely normal'

Yeah because you can't see what goes through my head..

The struggle of, 'does my arm look hidden enough under my jacket?'

'If I smile does my face look wonky'

'Is my lip liner high enough to cover my drooped smile..

as weird as this sounds..

Sometimes to check that my mouth is equal when I talk I have to reply to myself in the mirror saying 'no Lizzie what you're wearing shows that massive plastics thing strapped to your leg'

I hide it as much as I can to not embarrass who I'm with..

I smile when I'm extremely hurt because I know that I should be proud of how far come..

I think to myself everyday 

'This has made you so much stronger and you've done something that no one else could.'

"Lizzie you're really strong that person who's sighing behind you while they have to wait to walk downstairs really slow will never see you again"

I still panic..

It's who I am now, it's what my brains decided to become,

You either accept my faults and problems or leave my life and never try to enter it again,

It shows how weak you are to not accept someone with a brain injury as bad as mine..

Don't say sorry, just walk away.