Goodbye..

My neuropsychologist..
someone i've spoken to on a weekly basis since 3 weeks after my stroke has left, in her words; 'discharged me'

But she told me she was getting another job and they haven't found her a replacement,
I'm terrified; she told me to end it with my ex when I basically opened up about the way he'd started treating me, she helped me with how to deal with over thinking and basically tried to stop my anxiety.
Now what do I do? ..
People say I can talk to them and express how I feel
But it's not the same when they aren't trained in neuropsychology or don't talk to other people with serious brain injuries.
I can't trust anyone to actually 'help me'  I can't talk to anyone the same way i'd talk to her..
I'm stuck;
stuck in feeling like everything's going to be like this forever and nothings going to be how it was and nothings going to make me feel as happy as doing something you've craved for so long does..
I'm lost.
I'm hurt
i'm upset
and i'm loosing everything

I don't know how to talk to people anymore
I don't know how to literally express my emotions anymore
I don't know how to open up to someone so they feel how I feel
so they can understand my pain or happiness
I don't know what to do with anything anymore

That's me done.
I'm gone
I'm never coming back and i'm never going to get any part of my brain back anymore.

the best way to describe it..
Is like when you're rummaging through a draw of socks holding one trying to find it's pair, knowing you have to leave the house soon knowing you have plans but you need to find the sock otherwise thats it, everything's messed up; your plans, your day, your socks, your washing. Now imagine doing that with one arm/hand, and picturing the fact you can't run out the door when you've found the sock and you're ready to go..
Thats it.

I'm 'that'.
I'm constantly, everyday in fact;
 trying to find 'the other sock' trying to 'please everyone' trying to 'explain how I feel' trying to 'make my life not seem as shit as it is, trying to make people impressed with 'how far i've come'..
as well as..
 recovering and putting a smile on my face wondering if it looks real or if people can 'see right through it' and then reminding myself i'm completely different to everyone else, everyone I want to be;
 picking up the pace when i'm walking, reading things in shops and understand what they say/do without being exhausted, wondering what this will stop and i'll get 'there'
where ever 'there' is...

someone please tell me, because I physically don't know where it is anymore..
wheres my destination? wheres the day I can just sigh a massive sigh of relief knowing it's all done. knowing it's over and literally was just.. 'a phase'

Her words before she left;
''Think of this as a good change, think of how you've done all this on your own and that you're strong, life does get better Lizzie, I promise you.

I cried and replied;
''I think i'm depressed please help me''

She simply looked at me and gave me a huge hug, telling me i'm beautiful and i'm not depressed it's just a huge step in my recovery..

You know I can't even write this without wanting to cry or without feeling like crap.


What can I do?
Who can I turn to when i'm hurt or upset?
Who will hug me when I need to cry about something thats just my brain over thinking?

Because it's pushed my friends and everyone else away..
''Your problem is you push people away Lizzie''
''You need to stop thinking so much''
'' This too shall pass''
'' Think of how far you've come''

So don't tell me you'll be there to talk to me if I ever need it, if you're gonna run away like the rest of them..

Please.