Swimming in the deep end

Everyday is tough, every week gets harder

But this is how to explain it so others understand 

I'm not asking you to understand and I'm not asking you to feel what I feel 

I'm just asking you to stick by me and my emotions. 

I'm unstable I'm unsure and I'm grieving for something, I find everything I do a struggle and I find my world harder to cope with most days. 

It's like when you learn to swim and you're hovering on the slant between the deep end and the shallow end, you know the part that determines if you can float or swim. The part that makes you feel confident enough to just swim for miles, 

I used to get so excited to conquer the days, so excited to 'try new things' and even more excited when something happened that I wasn't expecting, now I hate it.. 

I sat talking to my doctor the other day asking stupid questions 

'Will I have another stroke?' 

'Will my blood get thicker?' 

'If I had another stroke would I die?' 

Every question he had a seconds silence before answering.. 

So now I'm stuck in a hole of 

'will life always be this shit?' 

Don't talk to me just because I've had a stroke because it hurts more than when my old friends shouted at me for just trying to make myself happy.

I'm trying to 'live my life' I'm trying to 'get on with it' but it's so hard..