my head is a jungle

sorry for the pun for those who know this is a song..

You get so mixed up in thinking that you need to recover to become this 'better stronger and determined person' that your damaged hurt lost and confused brain has become..
It sounds really difficult to those who haven't experienced anything thats changed them.
for better or worse?..


You get so mixed up in emotions..
You know what i'm just gonna smile  & pretend i'm 'fine' that everything will be okay. Until you realise that when you smile through the challenges you had/have to come/face it starts to look fake.
People try to understand when you try to explain your bewildered 'story' 'accident' 'life'
'Urgh just look me up on google!'
but you can see in their faces that to themselves their thinking;
'this is to hard to imagine because it's so rare and unexpected..

You have a Seizure;
Yes because I have epilepsy (another one to add to the check lists of;
'so Elizabeth do you have any illnesses...'
'Blimey, you've had a tough time..'
'My smile appears, yep ha.. just gotta get on with life though'..
'It must be really hard.'
'nah, used to it.. got to do it.'

I wake up in random places after getting a 'deja vu' feeling that makes my arm twitch outwards..
You have faces looking over your head in a shock, a worrying puzzled and once again bewildered expression.. because once again their probably trying to understand what you're going through;
'suffering'
'dealing with'
'hurting over'
'putting up with'

I cry, I look up and feel so lost, I try to breath through it thinking;
'why me?'
'please stop brain, please just stop making me look like an idiot..'

But it carries on..
people around you who saw the 'seizure' decide it's an amazing idea to explain detail exactly what happened, leaving you feeling much worse and anxious.  It helps to explain what type it's like,
yeah because there are so many types of seizures..
are you unconcious?
are you hearing the surroundings?
how you convulsed laying on the floor after walking and just throwing your uncontrollable body to the ground..
this could happen; anywhere, anytime, any-day..
You try to push through the 'deja vu' feelings because you know that if you think to much into it every-time you get 'the feeling' it will bring one on..

'Lizzie, if you have one when i'm with you what do I do?'
I think 'shit' to myself thinking..
'Can this human stop me; biting my tongue, swallowing my tongue, cracking my head open, breaking a bone, dying?'

because thats what it comes down too...
trusting those who you surround yourself with..

'Elizabeth you shouldn't drink'
says my epilepsy nurse, pushing my shoulder and smiling saying
'I know it's hard because you're young...'

What if I had one when I was out drinking?
Meeting new people?
At uni, my first day?..

Would you trust people you'd only just met to save your life?

you wake up; scared, shocked, tired and distressed..
'Now Elizabeth should I call an ambulance?'
'NO, don't.. theirs people out their dying and suffering much worse things that need to be their.. I've been diagnosed, I live with it, I try to deal with it and I try to cope with it..

don't fuss over me, i'm fine,  I have to be, I have to cope, I have to  deal with the fears scares and damage on my brain..

It is what it is

Everyone's different in their own ways,

Even though mines much different than anyone else's ( in some cases) 

You learn to adapt, 

It is what it is and won't change, 

I know I'll never get over it nor will I forget about it, but I will learn to cope with it in my own way; I might not be able to walk how others do or use my arm, but I can still live as much of a normal life to anyone else in the world 

It's better to be different than the same as everyone else who's focusing on trying to be this strange version of normal we have in our heads.. 

What is normal?

It is what it is and my body is how it is, my arm sticks out and I wear a plastic splint to help me walk but there's much worse people out there, 

You just need to try to get as much back as you possibly can; 

For me that was stupid things like; clubbing, meeting new people, uni and  work..

Which I'm aiming for and some of which I've luckily been given a second chance to do. Maybe not the same as it was before but that's up to me to try to change because all you can do is try.

You either try or give up but if you give up what are you going to be doing? 

Nothing.. 

Living a life of misery and heartache wishing you tried, wishing you took the chance you once had.

I can't change it so accept me

I can't go back in time no matter how many times I listen to 

Sub focus - turn back time. 

It's my life, it's who I am and it's different to you lot. But you learn to accept it like I learn to deal with it. 

I had no choice and I've tried as hard as I can, you can't judge how long I've tried to wonder if I'll ever go back to being how I was.. But now I know I won't. 

So don't ask me if I'll recover fully because it pushes me back to stage one. 

Just face the crowd

My second holiday since my stroke or 'accident' as I've started calling it,

The first one was about 7 months after, I remember clenching onto the airplane arm rest taking in deep breaths, then the tears started streaming down my face as I looked at my mum and said 'what if I have another stroke when we're in the air?!?!' 

'Liz, you're on all the right medications'

I remember waddling around, with a 'drop foot' that was so bad I was falling all over the place, and trying so hard to smile in photos but realising my face was still drooped..

This time, I watched the airplane take off, smiling and feeling like I was leaving a place I dread so much. Sometimes... 

I walked to the terminal which on the last holiday I struggled with.

Today I fell onto my ankle as I wasn't wearing my splint ( the massive plastic thing I can't walk without).

'Oh hello Madame you have hurt your leg yes?' 

'Oh yeah I fell over and broke my arm and leg'

Mum smiled.. 'I thought it's easier than having to explain all about a stroke..' 

Mum smiled.

I realised I can't tan anymore, maybe because I stayed in my house for the first year of my recovery, or perhaps because of the amount of medication I take.. 

I've learnt so many things that I'll learn  to adapt too

I've watched people walk around the pool and swimming, I've watched them walking along the sand; bumps and wonky parts of the sand holes.

Something I really struggle with..

I try to look at them and think 'make the most of that because it could be gone before you know it'

Then I think 

'Lizzie you've come so far and you should be proud of what you can do , not upsetting yourself over things you can't.

Every day is a new experience for me and every day I've learnt something I can't do.. But I know it'll improve 

I fluctuate

'I think you need to talk to someone'

'Are you okay? I'm really worried about you'

'Liz, one minute you're up then you're down'

 

I put on a 'brave face' because I know it'll make me seem strong when I'm actually weak, inside and out..

You get stressed, angry, upset, hurt, lost, confused and unsure..

You know how to 'cope' and deal with the fact that something's upset or hurt you, so you learn to deal with it.. And succeed 

My moods go up and down;

I'll wake up in the best mood, well I'll feel like I am. Even if someone was to stand right in the way and couldn't help it, I'd instantly get angry and it'd ruin the good mood I was in..

I've had so many leaflets on how to 'cope' mentally and physically but it's impossible for my brain ( probably not yours) to take in and function in the same way as yours..

You forget I have brain damage;

You suggest I need to 'talk to someone' and that I'm struggling, I deal with the feelings in the best possible way I can because I know they'll pass sooner or later in time..

The severity of brain damage is misunderstood to the point where I feel like crying when people say 'you look well' I'm not, I'm so damaged but my brain can't even process how to deal with it.

I cling on;

I need someone there and cling on when they are, I need that moral support of feeling helped loved or wanted..

Just remember;

Everything you say to me even if it's kind, I take it personally and think about it to the point where I'll assume it was an insult, just remember the more you tell me 'you're worried' it makes me feel worse and makes my mood sink to feeling like I've not accomplished anything.

Don't judge me;

Don't come up to me on nights out and judge the way I am, saying I am doing amazing or that I'm 'so brave' I'm not.. 

I only did it and have come this far because I realised that giving up would destroy my loved ones even more than what's happened to; me, my life, my brain, my emotions, my feelings and my actions..

They don't understand;

You tell people that you feel ready to do something and they instantly assume you need help support or something to do. I'm coping in my own way

I'm coping with the battle of a stroke that I could of stopped happening but missed every sign.

Could you cope?

Would you give up?

Would you feel shit? If different people told you that you need to talk to someone..

baby steps at first before the leap..

As the people that read my blog already know that i'm starting university again in September, To carry on the course I was studying before my stroke; Graphic Design and visual comunications at the university ofd creative arts in Canterbury (UCA).

I passed the first few modules up until December when i'd not reached any grades, So I only need to sit the classes from september till december when I will officially become a student again;
working, studying, creating and learning.. with support.

I was asked to go back in december so i just have to start working straight away, however I decided going back in september would be better; get to now students, get a gist of what university is like after a stroke, see how I cope in lectures and long days...

It's basically so that that I don't rush into it too fast and fail the years of university.

I'm so excited;
I used to hate going to university because i'd be really tired or just being a normal lazy student..

but when you loose the opportunity to do something you did before you almost crave to do it again, which is exactly what i'm going to do;
make the most of it, enjoy it, be myself and almost create a new identity instead of
'Hi i'm Lizzie I had a stroke...'

I mean I know i'll have days where I think
'Urgh I spent all day at university yesterday I honestly can't be bothered to get up and go again'
But mainly because if I 'overdo it' my fatigue kicks in; walking there and back, walking around the uni, listening to people, talking, thinking, taking things in and so on... will 100% tire me out, I mean just going shopping tires me out to the point where my knee's ache and I need a massive lazy day just eating and watching crap television..

I'm sure the old lady that walks past my front room window and looks in ( pretending she's not) will miss me, i'll miss her...
I would say i'll really miss the endless amounts of housework I do around the house ( yes mum you'll disagree)..


It'l be nice to come home and have something interesting to talk about and tell other people about; what i've learnt, who I made friends with...

I'll probably carry on doing my work when I get home after university..
I used to come home and just sit there getting so into my sketchbooks; I loved doing typography and laying out the pages really neat, obviously with one hands it wont look as good (without sounding big headed) but it wont be as neat ( yes mum you might need to help)

I used to look forward to buying all the equipment for the term before I went back;
I still have the boxes in my room full of pens in different colours and bull-point pens, with chewed ends..

I have all the stuff I had from my BTEC extended diploma that I studied there;
I remember they gave us that had paid for one a huge transparent box, almost like a tool box;
we all say there opening everything up, using the white tac to stick on the tables and the stanley knives to chop bits of the wooden tables off..

It'll be so different now, entering a world of struggles and new people,

so please university bring back my confidence and independence and please make sure that the support I will get will stop me coming home to my mum and stepdad demanding support and help on how to lay out an essay.


I'll try, i'll turn up and it'll be the main goal of my long recovery journey.
once upon a time I was told I might not ever recover enough to back, even thinking about the walk scared me.. I'll get there and back. I've walked there since..


You wont beat me and you wont destroy my dreams or goals, i'm carrying on to fight you. I've never had a fight and I hate them but you're for life and I know i'll beat you.

Also;
Please can the government drop the fee's of university because it'd very expensive for someone who might have a long term disability to pay back
(as mum would say hashtag just saying) I can'y find the hashtag on this macbook, so hopefully I find out where that is..

You're to much

You're on my mind without creeping up on me, you just appear even if I'm at my best point and I feel like I'm happy, not ontop of the world, my world; 

My distant, lonely, damaged and messed up world. 

You're always there, I knew you'd stay and I knew you'd never leave but I didn't assume you'd hurt this much..

Your down moments hurt more than the version I have of how scared I was after you gave me realisation that it nearly ended. It being my life, 

My everything, my world, my happiness, my functioning brain the thoughts that made me get through every single day to the point where I wouldn't even have a second to feel down. 

You're like a ghost that won't stop hurting you or scaring you;

You leave scars pains aches and scary memories in my damaged brain, a brain that once worked, a brain that once helped me push everything away..

Now you're pushing it away, you give me ups and downs struggles fears and create tears. 

Why me? 

Why did you come to me?

Why did you choose me?

Why did I have to be the chosen one? 

No one can answer but it's going to stay for life.. A short and ruined life.