my head is a jungle

sorry for the pun for those who know this is a song..

You get so mixed up in thinking that you need to recover to become this 'better stronger and determined person' that your damaged hurt lost and confused brain has become..
It sounds really difficult to those who haven't experienced anything thats changed them.
for better or worse?..


You get so mixed up in emotions..
You know what i'm just gonna smile  & pretend i'm 'fine' that everything will be okay. Until you realise that when you smile through the challenges you had/have to come/face it starts to look fake.
People try to understand when you try to explain your bewildered 'story' 'accident' 'life'
'Urgh just look me up on google!'
but you can see in their faces that to themselves their thinking;
'this is to hard to imagine because it's so rare and unexpected..

You have a Seizure;
Yes because I have epilepsy (another one to add to the check lists of;
'so Elizabeth do you have any illnesses...'
'Blimey, you've had a tough time..'
'My smile appears, yep ha.. just gotta get on with life though'..
'It must be really hard.'
'nah, used to it.. got to do it.'

I wake up in random places after getting a 'deja vu' feeling that makes my arm twitch outwards..
You have faces looking over your head in a shock, a worrying puzzled and once again bewildered expression.. because once again their probably trying to understand what you're going through;
'suffering'
'dealing with'
'hurting over'
'putting up with'

I cry, I look up and feel so lost, I try to breath through it thinking;
'why me?'
'please stop brain, please just stop making me look like an idiot..'

But it carries on..
people around you who saw the 'seizure' decide it's an amazing idea to explain detail exactly what happened, leaving you feeling much worse and anxious.  It helps to explain what type it's like,
yeah because there are so many types of seizures..
are you unconcious?
are you hearing the surroundings?
how you convulsed laying on the floor after walking and just throwing your uncontrollable body to the ground..
this could happen; anywhere, anytime, any-day..
You try to push through the 'deja vu' feelings because you know that if you think to much into it every-time you get 'the feeling' it will bring one on..

'Lizzie, if you have one when i'm with you what do I do?'
I think 'shit' to myself thinking..
'Can this human stop me; biting my tongue, swallowing my tongue, cracking my head open, breaking a bone, dying?'

because thats what it comes down too...
trusting those who you surround yourself with..

'Elizabeth you shouldn't drink'
says my epilepsy nurse, pushing my shoulder and smiling saying
'I know it's hard because you're young...'

What if I had one when I was out drinking?
Meeting new people?
At uni, my first day?..

Would you trust people you'd only just met to save your life?

you wake up; scared, shocked, tired and distressed..
'Now Elizabeth should I call an ambulance?'
'NO, don't.. theirs people out their dying and suffering much worse things that need to be their.. I've been diagnosed, I live with it, I try to deal with it and I try to cope with it..

don't fuss over me, i'm fine,  I have to be, I have to cope, I have to  deal with the fears scares and damage on my brain..