My story of motivation and positivity

the last 'my story' involved a terrifying event that no one would ever imagine to happen to someone 'so young'
An event that I hated for so long and despised my body for, my life's always been a rollercoaster of hospitals and appointments waiting to be told good or bad news..

So here's my new story;
Full of motivation happiness and if I don't say so myself a lot of bloody inspiration,
My chemotherapy is working and uni if going so well;
Can't complain with three B's ( goal complete) to get higher grades than year one, higher than some people who aren't like me..
I live with Liam in a flat and it's getting easier as everyday goes on.
I've been volunteering at the hospital and I'm currently working on a project with my old ward by painting a mural on the wall in their really dull day room..
My walking will always be different to others but I guess that makes me special,
I'm so much more confident and comfortable than I've ever felt in my own body, I just get on with my life and don't let anything set me back..
why should I?


My confidence is sky high and I probably have to much of it

I've never really praised my old friends or ex for leaving my life but here's a huge thank you, for letting me recover and prove everyone wrong.. and be the best version of me.

Like I said on radio 5; life's just a rollercoaster going up...


So that's my new story full of positivity and good grades at uni and confidence
:)
I'm my version of normal

Living with epilepsy..

I live with it everyday and probably will for the rest of my life.
some people scare me when they talk about it openly, because when you have eli;espy you carry the anxiety and worry of ''will I have a seizure?''
The worst part of this worry is wondering that if you did have a seizure, what type would it be?

I suffer with absent seizures and Petit Mal seizures..

I may be seizure free for about 6 months but its still a scary thought.

My stroke caused my epilepsy and I have to deal with that..


The other day someone said they wouldn't know what to do if someone had a seizure, knowing full well i'm epileptic,,
''I'd just poke them and leave them there''

When you have epilepsy you have the fear of trusting people, even if they're really close to you..

for your safety and to check you're okay after..

Studying with a disability

Its a brain injury as well as a physical disability,

I get help when i'm at uni, it's difficult when you used to be so independent and now you're slightly dependent on another person,
have they got all the notes?
did they write it so I can understand it?

I can't understand anything written in paragraphs, unless I write it..
I miss out lines when I read, I loose concentration and struggle to regain it.

My brain wanders off when i'm trying too hard, then my fatigue kicks in,
leaving me confused, unmotivated and angry.

I can feel my brain working hard when I start getting on with my work, it's an odd feeling,
it's a light throbbing feeling on the corner of my brain (right side)

When I come up with my own ideas or understand something,
I get a sensitive throb (just like the feeling after someones scratched an itch).

studying with a brain injury is difficult but the feeling I get in my brain is the best feeling, knowing it's recovering and i'm be getting better

Speech and Language Progress..

I've been having speech and language for about 3/4 months,
When I first suffered my stroke I had something called;
Dysphasia.

Basically I would struggle to understand emotions and mislead what people say to me:

• If someone nudged me in the street, i'd swear at them or get really aggressive (even though it was probably my fault) 
• If someone text me without an 'x' I would assume they were angry with me.
• If someone told me joke I wouldn't understand but i'd laugh so much that i'd look strange and rude ( i'd watch other people laugh and laugh because they were) 
• I struggle to understand sarcasm, humour and emotion.

My speech and language therapist reads statements to me ( mini stories, small paragraphs) 

Then she asks me questions, to see if I was concentrating and remember the \important' details.

This is because I can't 'read between the lines' I miss out details from; stories, lectures and essays.. 

My concentration is really bad and I 'wander off'. 

This is where my learning support assistant helps ( she writes notes for me during lectures and bullet-points the important bit so it's easier for me to understand.

The filter in my brain is coming back, meaning i'm slowly gaining;

• my memory
• cognitive skills
• my language
• my emotions 
• and i'm more socially aware of how to speak in a conversation.

My recovery is continuing and i'm improving..

slow and steady wins the race..

Walking life

I haven't written much about my walking because it's so natural to me now that I forget it was a struggle at first, don't get me wrong it still is..
Infact it's a bloody pain!
But I keep telling myself I've come so far,

I walk from the bus station to uni and around uni, my leg still 'hyper extends' but I'm used to it, I still wear the same afo, which Liam keeps having to fix because it's so old
(I know mum, you want me to get rid of it..)

It holds my ankle up as I've  still got drop foot..

It hides well (under leggings jeans and tights)
"I didn't even notice it!"
*another person 🙄*

"You can't even tell you've had a stroke, I just thought you'd broken your arm"

My leg swings when I get tired.. on the way to uni as I cross some traffic lights I get a glimpse of how I walk in the premier inn's windows.
I do praise myself when I walk towards it either about my weight loss or walking

Where I've been so busy with uni I haven't gone to the gym and I can notice how my knee is still weak,

I love walking and the benefits of getting around properly :)

"Everyone's feeling the same, don't worry.."

public speaking in front of a class full of students and tutors assessing you is different to talking to newspapers and in churches publicly,
I'd keep running through the double sided sheet of paper seeing if I could remember the words I had to read out,
"Are you okay? Do you need any help?
"No thank you I'm fine I'm working on being independent"
..
The speech starts, I held the paper in front of me and read loudly and clearly enough for people to hear,
The speech finished
"wow, well I'm not sure what to ask about"
Said my head tutor whom has seen me from the first day I asked to return to uni.

I still have learning support when I'm in lectures although I've come home so many times saying "I don't think I need them"
Mainly because sometimes it's nice to put your headphones in and get in with the work alone..

My memory is coming back I remember so much more, my fatigue has improved so much too,

It's sometimes hard to think quick enough to finish full scentences, I get so frustrated with if I feel like I'm behind.

I used to be the one saying "I'll start that next week" then before the deadline get so stressed that I hadn't done it.

I made goals for this second year and I feel like I'm achieving them
I'm not the lazy me anymore.. "I'm so tired my fatigue is so bad"

I'm the early one.

'thats life'

You see these articles about peoples amazing recovery and how they only spent two nights in hospital, us as stroke survivors class them as the 'lucky ones' who got out alive..

So here's a real stroke survivors story written by their own views and not by some journalist;
It's not all happiness and with a  quick recovery

Those not so lucky are left with a brain scan demonstrating how no one could of prevented what's happened, their left confused hurt bruised and stuck in this 'new body'
It takes days months and years to recover what I class as 'the main recovery'
Gaining your confidence and independence,
What's a life without the confidence to leave the house?
What's a life without independence to hold your head higher than you've ever held it?
showing that you're no where near as weak as people assume you are,

Everyday a stroke survivors brain is recovering, something as little as; smiling equally both sides, standing up without stumbling, walking to the kitchen without getting breathless, completeing a whole day without drifting off to sleep in the one part of a day they'll get a minute to themselves without the; questions, conversations and stares from those who can't accept you for who you have become.
Because that's the reality of life after a stroke, no one you had before will understand.
They'll always be confused of how to approach you, you're not the same person you once were,
You knew you were ill but held your head high and waited..

After a stroke it's difficult, difficult to face the public, you blame yourself for everything you may of done wrong,
"They looked at me funny"
* they hate me, do I look funny?*
We take those thoughts to bed every night because every stare we get can hurt.
However deep down in the disconnected nerves hidden under our skull we know it's just our brain injury, and 'that's life'

Life at first is full of comparing yourself to other people that for some reason you despise
But for what?
For living their life how you wish you could?
Forgetting the times you told people life was to short to walk around like you're taking advantage of the benefits of having a 'normal' life..

Sometimes asking "how does it feel?"
Upsetting and blaming the people that do support you,
Because truth is you just want a 'normal' life,
Stroke survivors slowly realise that there is no normal, nothing's perfect.
And 'that's life'

So that's my version of life after a stroke without the swear words I once used and without wishing I was normal
Because I'm back.
I live with a disability but I'm me.
It's up to you to accept that and if you can't then I'm fine with that.

Still recovering

I've been so busy with uni recently I've completely forgotten about my blog

We've been asked to decide what we might like to do after our degree..
"okay there are new briefs on the desk with some ideas"
*what the hell!*
I slowly walk to pick one up, hesitating with so many thoughts rushing through my head,
"But we've only just left year one, I'm still disabled.."
*lizzie calm down*
"Lizzie you can still work just breathe"

I hold the list up infront of me, numerous job titles ranging from graphic designer to a nerd?
"Okay now I need to pick one.."
"Right okay you've got to do a presentation and talk about the career you're interested in, find job interviews and companies that you might like to work for"
* bloody hell ive only just learnt to lift my arm*

We have so many different things to take in at uni, so many lectures talks and project briefs, my bags never been so full!

"Lizzie you look so well!"
*yay I look good*
"Thankyou, I feel like my confidence is coming back.."

It's so weird I'm starting to notice my own recovery,
It was going so fast at first, then it slowed down
I focused on my limbs coming back, completely forgetting that inside my brain there are so many nerves to re attach; confidence independence memory and multitasking
And so many more! The doctor was right when he said that your brain controls everything,

I hold myself a lot better, I used to look down hold my arm close and wrap up in huge coats almost looking shy and clearly unapproachable.

I've come across so many tasks and challenges throughout my recovery but this is probably the most exciting task after learning to stand and walk..

As well as uni chemotherapy is helping so much,
I had to many blood platelets something like 850!
Normal range is 100-400 anyone would fall over get that layer of yellow puss and then scan,
I bleed and within 5 minutes scab..
(Sorry for those reading this and eating)

Gaining confidence and independence

My summer has been about gaining my confidence and independence;
Moving out, going to the gym and trying to use my arm also  by letting go of my arm while walking..

Recovery from a stroke or as they class it 'life after stroke' in those colourful leaflets the stroke association give your family when you're leaving hospital,
Scaring the  friends  if you're lucky enough to still have some, stating that the person may not recover enough to seem like the person they were before..
And the nurses suggest us as stroke patients should read about a devastating brain disorder we've encountered while we're fragile.

Anyway;
I started my second year of uni on Monday,
I had the whole
"Urgh I'm not ready I can't be bothered, it's so long.."
Forgetting how much I've actually recovered compared to year one.

This year counts and that scared me mainly because it was my goal to complete uni.
And when you set goals after a stroke you HAVE to acheive them..

I've lasted 10-4 everyday (even on my day off)
Yesterday we had to talk about our posters we've created, infront of everyone!
"I can't do it, what if they hate it."
I did it,
And managed to talk infront of everyone..
I still need help, I miss out scentences and get muddled up in understanding the brief they give us
This was something my tutor said I needed to improve last year as I used to get to scared to do it.

At school we had a 'counsellor' for our form, you'd get some crap dark red badge which I still have if anyone doesn't believe me.
Believe it or not I was actually one. Probably for about a day. Before the bunking started.

I've applied for student rep; sounds so stupid and something people will probably laugh at, but as I'm still building my cv for when I can work it might help, along with my volunteering..

It's my day off finally! I've been excited to feel like Liam and get that "I need a drink" feeling..

My slow recovering brain.

ive come to terms with the whole 'your recovery will slow down' .. People kept telling me and at first with my leg 'coming back' I thought my recovery was so fast,

No one (accept others recovering) have watched their body do amazing things and recover everyday..
The smallest improvements is enough to put a smile on your face, for the person and others..

After seeing my physiotherapist I have been strengthening my arm and shoulder,
'Work down the arm..'

I use a 0.5kg weight on my arm; lift it forwards till I can feel the stretch, push it out to the side, bend my elbow and straighten it.. All of these I repeat 3 times a day with 10 reps..

I stretch my hand, I open it on a table or against a wall and lean on it..

Last night I decided to try to use my hand, I lifted/ picked up some foam type blocks and dropped them in a box,
I managed quite a lot, mainly because Liam kept repeating 'next one, go on do another one'..

I'll recieve messages from family members saying 'keep up the good work, it's about training the brain'
Hence the name of my blog ( to those who thought I was running a marathon)

I woke up without a headache because I've released the tension I had on my shoulder

I'm slowly coming out of holding my arm and walking, it's so hard!
But this is my slow recovery, it finally seems like it's going to get better..

Not 100% but a good range

Yesterday I had physiotherapy for the first time in two years, it was mainly about my arm as I need the strength back to even start learning how to use the hand..

"okay so what can you do?"

I lift it, straighten it and lift it out to the side..

"Okay that's a lot of range and movement, could you lay on the bed.."

" relax"
She stretches my arm down back and above my head..
"Ouch ouch ouch"
*oh my god it's so sore and tight..*

You know when you have to push against the resistance of someone pushing you towards yourself..
I failed every time, but that's normal as I am still weak..

" you can feel where you haven't stretched it in a while, it's not 100% but that's normal"
*oh dear Lizzie, you need to try harder.. But how can you when you had no guidence*

"Right I'm going to get you some exercises..
Your shoulder isn't sublaxed so you get start doing weights at the gym, only small though.."
*YAAY! I email my personal trainer..*
Today I'm going to the gym to do this..

I get home and Liam stretches my arm like the exercises say..

" fuck sake I can't open my fingers to push against the wall!!"
"Lizzie, calm down and keep trying you give up to fast.."
* it's so hard, but try try try*

I managed to do all the exercises and I can move it a lot easier, it relaxes by my side after doing them too..
I used to get severe headaches after trying to move it, this made me give up.. Now they've stopped!

She told me to stop holding my arm
( I'm the girl who clings onto her left arm with my right arm, hiding the fact it rests in an awkward position)
I get embarrassed because it looks odd..
But I managed not to hold it the whole way to the gym and home..
Massive achievement ( breaking bad habits)
"You need to remember to let it relax by your side.."

I loved physio as much as I used to hate it, she really helped with giving me so much advice that's do able ( if that's a word..)

Something new to look forward too

the walk I was once anxious to walk
* slow down incase you fall, you don't want to get tired before starting*

Today I enrolled to year two of uni,
I completed the first year which I never knew didn't count towards my degree, but still an achievement,

When I suffered from my stroke as well as walking I wanted and aimed to return to university..
Goal completed, I never had the chance to apply to year two, this time I HAVE!
Goals;
Complete year two with a better grade
Try and attend everyday stop fatigue getting in the way..

*lizzie you're starting to sound like Bridget jones*

I had a meeting with the support assistant about what I needed help and support with, I was so assertive and told her what I thought I needed this year..
Luckily the lsa that wouldn't stop following me around has left!
( she was lovely but I'm sure she stopped people talking to me)
I mean what 22 year old needs someone waiting outside the toilet for them?!

I still speak my mind and obviously that part of my brain still needs reconnecting as everyone even Liam gets embarrassed when someone pushes me and my response is enough swear words to get me beaten up..

I've overcome so much more than I thought I would and to be honest even before the stroke I probably wouldn't of been applying to year two
( I treated it like school.. 'Bunking' but not in the toilets.. In bed)

"It's my goal I'm going to do it"

My stroke of positivity confidence and independence

I used to blame you for ruining my life, I used to write to you as if you could just make it all better..
So here's my apology;

Dear brain,
I'm sorry for accusing you of ruining what I though was a good life, I'm sorry for telling you I hated what you did,
At the time I thought I had it all.. I though my life was ruined,
Notes on my hospital wall from family members
'Liz in 6 months you'll be even better'
I'd brush off my shoulders ignore and laugh at..

Only to realise that two years later they were right and enjoyable to read..

The nights I cried over so many stupid things,

Thinking that the people I classed as friends were infact as fake as Kim kardashians bum.

I've learnt so much from my stroke, it's given me independence confidence and so much more, the disabilities aren't all noticeable, I'm still broken inside my skull, my brain still isn't fully connected..

I'm learning to adapt and realising that I'm a lot stronger than I think..

So that's my stroke of positivity confidence and independence,
Dear brain;
I will continue to prove all those who doubted me wrong.

Please don't tell me what to do

I'm capable of doing anything I want to,
Most people do assume I need that extra bit of help ( angry emoji face)
I get told to sometimes accept it, not by my brain but by others that I tell..

" do you want me to help you?"
*lizzie don't get angry, just calm down*

My brain has a fight, if it's between the left side and the right so I don't know..
*dont do it*
I've learnt to not say what's on my mind.. As much as I would on Twitter,

"No I'm fine thankyou"
They offer the help if I need it soon after..

I struggle with some things and you can tell, my arm hanging down in a bent position, my leg shaking and my face that expresses a strange concentrating face..

*sigh*
This is to prove I can do it, after I've achieved the task..

I hate it so much when people assume I can't walk very far or climb stairs, my reaction
"I've learnt to do it, so I will I'm not a child"
*push it come on, bend straighten, lift, bend, place..*

I still tell my brain how to move my leg, how to straighten it and place it..
I'll always be learning to walk and it's my recovery, it's not the best 'gateway' but it's making me walk so I'm happy..

When I; stand, walk and sometimes get into the shower or out of bed, I have a smile on my face so happy because I know I've achieved this and I. Pulsing do it a few years ago..

My recovery is probably only just starting, sounds so weird but it's only just started becoming noticeable; the breathless steps I walk, the tingles I get on my left side, the times I'll be scratching my arm or leg, thinking "oh my god, the feelings coming back!!"

No matter what my disability is no matter what I can and can't do, I'll always challenge myself because I was told "it's only going to get better"

As harsh as it sounds when I sometimes say "Liam I really can't do this"
We both look around or talk about how if it happened to people we know they wouldn't cope, it makes my confidence grow because it's probably true..

Chemotherapy..

''Were giving you chemotherapy''
''It's not curable, its manageable''

*Lizzie, hold in the tears don't cry*

''I've printed off a sheet of information about the condition''
*It says macmillan cancer.. what is going on*

''Here you go, have a read, I will monitor you by regular blood tests''

I walked to the hospital pharmacy, sat on a wooden chair opposite the toilets shaking
*who do I tell??*
Holding in the tears trying to think ''Happy thoughts'' I managed to keep calm..
reading a sheet that tells me my condition..
Random words swirling round my head;
*chemotherapy*
*bone marrow*
*stroke*
*shit*
and so on..

All I could picture was my mum when she had chemotherapy for her cancer, and how strong she stayed, she's my inspiration and who I will gain my strength from.

It's not cancer.

Okay so not a lot of people know as I tend to try to keep it all to myself, I was diagnosed with 'Essential Thrombocythaemia' basically a rare condition affecting the bone marrow, I have ''too many platelets' these help the blood clot,

They've discovered it by taking a blood test, my blood range is between 600 - 800 when its meant to be between 150 - 400

It's basically what caused my stroke but has only just been found,

Chemotherapy is a way of managing it for me, as i'm on so much medication they can't interfere and give me anything else;

Hydroxycarbamide; is a tablet form of chemotherapy..

Obviously when I first heard 'were giving you chemo' I nearly screamed, but its not as bad as it sounds..

The side affects aren't as bad as normal chemo, just a slight similarities;
hair thinning
fatigue
loss of appetite


I started it yesterday as I only take three a week as well as iron tablets everyday,

''Oh my god Lizzie, we need a catch up!!''
''Lizzie, whats happened?!?''

I'm going to put it bluntly,
i need REAL  friends, not fake, you can't come into my life then leave like
'the last lot'
as I'm still recovering from a brain injury..

i'm not a 'story' it's just a journey I'm going to have to overcome..
and I wont let it defeat me.

Just a setback

Waiting in rooms full of red leather chairs surrounding the room filling it with a dark presence of what the next step might be..
*calm keep calm..*
We're all in the same position awaiting good news or bad, once the doors labelled 'consulting room' are shut you never know the persons result or story..

I've learnt to cope with the endless waiting and worrying and timings getting mixed up because there always late..
I'm on numerous amounts of medication stopping different things I have wrong with my body, I've lost track of what 'normal' is, the scariest thing about it being, I always tried so hard to become this normal life I thought was normal..

I know my life will always be a blur and probably a test to see how I can cope with different 'things' but it's making me stronger and helping me overcome set backs..

speech and language therapy..

''yeah do you remember when that bridge crashed into that van''
*Lizzie, you've got it mixed up, correct yourself*

''Lizzie, slow down you're talking so fast...''
*oh god, I needed to fit in everything I had to say..*

numerous questions are asked after i'm read a paragraph by my speech and language therapist, sometimes more than once..

*Lizzie, wake up get back on track, try to remember whats being read to you*

''Are you sure? do you need me to read it again for you, as you've completely made that up and created a whole new story..''

*urgh! I honestly thought i'd remembered everything that was read to me, clearly not.. come on brain*

''This exercise is to help with uni, as you need to learn to pick up little details within your work and possibly in lectures, as it will help towards your work''

''You seem in a good place at the moment, less wound up and more calm''


I don't know what happened to my speech after my stroke, apparently ''everyone gets their words mixed up'' but I think people tell me that to make me feel better.. I know the tone of my voice changed.

Things not to say to someone with a brain injury..

people who have a brain injury can be; more sensitive, emotional and unable to control their actions, no one can tell when someone suffers with a brain injury especially if you've only just met them, some people with a brain injury can be quite obsessive and suffer with OCD to the point where they get aggressive when you change their plans,

I suffer with a lot if not all of these problems with my brain injury..
With my brain injury obviously I suffer with physical disabilities so people assume that's all I suffer with..

Things not to say;

"You're basically back to normal"
Most people with brain injuries won't become who they were 'before' normal is a term that offends people with brain injuries..

"You're so strong and brave, I don't know how you do it"
Were not really doing anything accept trying to train our brains as much as we can, reconnecting and reflecting on how to become 'well' we're only being strong because we have no other choice..

"I don't know how you do it"
Do what? We're so confused that we just carry on living how we've learnt to cope with life, the way our doctors taught and trained our brains..

"How does it feel?"
You can't feel much, the emotions come and go, your brain can get frustrated you only feel it in your mind.. It feels horrible to be asked certain things and people assuming you're not 'normal'

"you look the same, I can't even tell"
I can everyday I look in the mirror, pass shop windows or get stares because of how I try to hide the physical disability.

"it must be so hard!"
Don't patronise me, I'm an adult with a child's brain, always learning, developing and growing just not as fast as yours does...

"I read somewhere this person fully recovered"
No one makes a full recovery, it's impossible to create a new brain and life when the brain cells have been so damaged.
Recovery is a life long process


Most people don't know how to react or what to say, I've experienced so many strange comments and smiling at people I once called 'friends' and recieving a look up and down and all I receive is a dirty look, you won't understand I don't want you too, you'd never fully understand but I'll carry on my recovery trying to understand how to train my brain..

Exercise refferal

 I've never been the type to go to the gym, I had no motivation before my stroke. The daily mail lied, I only went to Zumba once..
Since my stroke I've joined the gym and stuck too it, I was mainly going for that 'bikini body' as hard as it is to exercise with one arm and unable to run or do much, I've lost a stone in a month, you receive 12 weeks of gym at a reduced rate, you join supervised sessions and one to ones with an instructor, to help you learn how to use machines and get you a programme written up to structure your gym time, you slowly progress as time goes on; I've improved so much, I'm much stronger and able to do a lot more, I go atleast twice a week as in starting to understand people's 'gym hype' my excitement is so high after its like a drug.. I've met so many people and it's made my confidence and independence so much better
Honestly it's the best thing I've done since my stroke, my fatigue is so much better and I feel so healthy, instead of sitting inside..
My recovery is down to me now, do something for yourself and get referred from your gp and watch your body progress..

You were very wrong..

You're a professional and I understand that I believed everything you said, trying to change my goals and distancing myself away from what I wanted and my own independence..

(old blog post)....
Sunday 14th September 2014
''I'm off to a rehab centre''

I've written my future goals with my neuropsychologist to plan what I want to achieve when I go to the rehab centre;

I want to learn how to be polite
I want to return to university again


I was told that i'd probably have to wait till 2019 to return to a university I had to leave due to my stroke and how I needed to recover more to even think about studying

I was told it might be 'best' to move away from home to go to a rehab centre to 'become independent' they expected me to move away from; home, friends. family and where I grew up

I was told i'd be in a wheelchair for at least a year, that i'd struggle with a lot of things from; self care, walking, motivation, independence and my emotions..

I did but I certainly wasn't going to let anyone estimate when I would walk again

Two months after leaving hospital I discharged myself from the physiotherapy the NHS give you, 'ICT'  I never took it seriously because they'd stop me walking and doing what I wanted to do.
I knew when I was ready, I knew when I could walk, stand and become a 'new' me.

I discharged myself from 'carers' that would; wash me, dress me and teach me 'how to do makeup ( MY makeup) excuse me.. it's MY face.

I made it my goal to become the 'best part of me' to recover to become some of the person I was before my stroke..

I trusted and believed in the 'professionals' because you're expected too, thinking they know 'whats best' and how they'd compare you to other patients they'd be working with..
( usually old)
Believing them made me; angry, anxious, scared and too upset to even believe in myself and listen to my body..

( old blog post)....
October 2014;

''Cognitive Tests''

I long for the day I can walk through UCA"S doors and return to uni, i'll have the biggest smile on my face

I want a 'return to uni meeting' and to just go back

I'm not even going to explain how far i've come because if you've followed my blog posts you'll know exactly what i've achieved and i'm sure you could all say that its because I believed in myself,

If I could give one bit of advice to stroke survivors, it'd be;
believe in yourself, no one can tell you what to do or how you'll achieve something
It's your brain, your life and your body.

Not every disability is visible

I have many scars on my brain,
The scars on my leg show progress of my muscle growing,
The  dents on my skull show failure in my brain but strength to survive a minute of a breakdown within my skull

My disability isn't completely visible and never will be

"Oh my god, I genuinely can't and couldn't tell you've had a stroke"

" you can't even notice your splint"

" you can't tell that you can't use your arm"

" your face is symmetrical"

* walk straight Lizzie, bend your knee when walking up curbs but not down, you'll fall*
*yawn*
* Lizzie come on beat the fatigue, you've been through much worse*

I've been living with a serious brain injury for over two years now as you all know...

It's not visible, but it's serious;

When you joke, I don't get it..
When you're sarcastic towards me, I can't distinguish the emotion..
When you're winding me up, I get aggressive and assume you're angry with me...
When you stare at me, I assume you hate me or think I look weird

My brain is damaged and full of disconnected cells, trying to reconnect,
Slowly progressing day by day
You can't notice the scars as they're on the inside..
My recovery is slower than others but my feelings are still there.

I'm getting better
" how far on are you in your recovery?"
* piss off, there's no percentage*
" no idea, probably 30% if they put a percentage on it.."
* hopefully that's a good enough number..*

You can still talk to me, I'm human and I'm happy
I'm just living with something that makes me different to everyone else (you)

A little place I now call home

Okay so it's not that little..

I've moved out of my mums house and moved in with Liam into our own place..
Something I never thought would happen but has (obviously)

The first part was the most stressful;
* Lizzie wake up, come on just relax*
I smashed my head on the bathroom by having a huge sezuire

I've enjoyed decorating the whole place, obviously everything is girlie accept the Chelsea scarves we bought when watching the football match once.

It's odd moving away from everything you knew and understood, I mean I never knew you had to pay for water..
The first few nights were quite hard
*lizzie come on you wanted to move out..*
"Liam I'm so scared, I hate being away from home"

I've broken up from university so obviously I'm back to sitting around or cleaning,
It reminds me of when I first came out of hospital, the fears of moving around because the space was so new, the fear of getting in the shower incase I slip..

It's all gone now, they've fitted small reminders of the fact I'm still partially disabled;
A rail in the shower, easier opening doors and probably a lot more that I can't remember

I got so scared of how far away I am from everything I need to be near; the hospital, doctors, university and of course town for shopping..

I've been practicing walking to and from just so I get used to it for when I go back..

Moving out is all part of the recovery process after a stroke, might seem insane moving someone who's got a brain injury into their own place, but it was my choice over the rehabilitation centre..

It's part of the 'independence' stage..
Aswell as; washing/ drying yourself, walking, talking, thinking and many more things you can loose from a stroke.


I'd upload pictures but my phone won't let me..

"I read your notes and I can see we've seen you before"

door bell goes, the horrid ringing sound that I usually ignore if I can't be bothered to limp to the door..

"Hi Elizabeth I'm Sarah!"
*shes an OT, dirty green coloured trousers long white dress thing.. oh my god flash backs of being forced to see these people, nights of looking forward to never seeing this uniform again*

"Hello"
I walk to the sofa..

I've been referred to see the intermediate care team again (ICU) the physios and occupational therapists (for those who don't know) who visit you at home after you leave hospital..

"Right I'm going to give you this care plan to keep"

* really? More goals?!? I sigh in my head but smile and try to relive the past*

"Ha! I remember these I've got hundreds of care plan sheets from when I was first recovering"

Luckily she only wrote one; new hand splint ( I've grown out of mine apparently)

"Okay I'll check your hand range so I know what I'm working with.."

* bloody hell, my hand doesn't even work with me so good luck..*

The usual arm grab, fingers go from bent to straight stretching the muscles, bending the wrist up asking what I can do with it.."

I thought I'd moved on from all this, I have but it's because I'm getting sick of not recovering, my leg hyper extends (meaning it bends back further than normal when I walk)

My speech therapist says I need to be careful I don't get problems with my hip because I don't want a hip replacement..

"your progress has been remarkable, i've enjoyed watching it"

*shit shit shit oh god, my first tutorial with my course leader*
"Hello Elizabeth would you like to come in.."
"I'm so nervous because I'm scared I've failed the year"
*why did you say that he can tell you're nervous you're talking so fast and arrived 20 minutes early*

"Don't be silly, you've passed and regardless year one doesn't count towards your degree.."

*phew! You can stop the staring now Lizzie..*

"Is there anything you'd like to discuss about the year and any concerns"
"No not atall, I know I need my attendance to be better but that's all I can think of.."

On my progress and mark for my projects I've done this term it said about my attendance even though I'd given medical evidence of the hospital appointments I had on those days...

"We didn't mean it against you, you just need to try to come in everyday in year 2 and 3, the people who mark it are different and don't know your illness so don't worry"

" I know I need to try harder with my work as its not as good as other people's"
" Lizzie you're still recovering"
" yeah walking here and being here is basically my recovery "
"Well when I first saw you about returning you looked very ill and needed something to focus on"
"It's been so nice to watch and see you recover, we've all said about how you're getting on.."

" that's all for the talk and tutorial meeting as long as you're happy with your work"

slow down..

This time believe it or not the title isn't about me telling someone to walk slower..

In two years i've managed to overcome things I would of never achieved before the stroke, I won't even bore you by listing them because it's all I ever talk about..

When I was recovering at first I hated my life and wanted it to speed up
mum would hug me and dry away the tears of hating my life, wishing I was normal, complaining I was a freak and hating everyone for leaving me (which is normal....)

I have everything I ever wanted and much more than I ever thought i'd gain..
accept a hand..

It's so scary, focusing on goals that are so big and depend on the rest of your life,
Moving out
university
and so on..

It's all happened fast that it's scaring me,
the talks about
''what doors do you want easier access locks on??''
''Are you able to open the cooker?''

*Ugh I really don't know, I just want it to be sorted, isn't it just a door?!*..

everyone does and says so much and it's stuff I can't take in properly
even at uni, it's;
''right, do this, then that, then this..''
I get headaches on my right side only, in my head..
Is my brain adapting??
*please don't adapt to this crazy world of constant movement and stress*

*Liz come on, you wanted to be ''normal''*

I keep telling myself to stop overthinking..
*Liz, maybe you rushed back and rushed everything to quick*...

I don't want to be where i was in 2014; stressed, unhappy, scared, ILL and more importantly too selfish to understand my body was failing.

I still forget so much, I have a whole 'notes' page on my phone of things i've seen during the day that I won't remember in the evening.. just to tell people ''funny things''

*Are they really funny though liz?*

I look around every time I actually get a break to try to analyse this world and where I belonged to be for so long,
hiding in the anxiety and fears of anything dangerous, repeating in my head that i've achieved more than the person frowning at my hand across the road would..

I don't want this feeling forever
and I don't want my brain to shut down, again

I just want to feel calm, in this 'normal' world i've reached (strange goal of mine as of 2014)
* Liz, you wanted this normal life*

Leaving my nest

I call it my nest as I'm like a baby bird flying for the first time, leaving her family and venturing on with life, I've always lived with my parents, when I was 10 my mum and dad split up and I remember being so excited to have two houses to stay at, I never really considered how difficult it would be seeing them settling without each other..

I've been living with my mum and step dad who've supported me through most things life throws at me and I'm sure you all know, that it's a lot..

''Liz, you'll get lonely sometimes..''
*i know! Jesus please stop reminding me..*

*ooo look, house decorations*

I've viewed my flat and I'm viewing it for the last time today before I get the keys, I'm so excited.

" I want everything to be new mum, nothing passed down!"
"Liz, it's not that easy, everything I got was from the house clearance of my mum"

Everyone's started the whole "accept help when it's offered you'll need it.." Again
You know the whole leaving hospital and adapting to life and needing help with everything!

I take it out on the people I love and support me the most, yes that's my mum and step dad (Liam's got off lightly)...

My brain is very OCD when I have a plan I have to do it, that's my direction, my goal and my aim..

I know deep down I'll need the help (everyone does)


I've ordered so much!
I mean I'm one of those crazy house addicts

"Liz you don't need it all now!"

*urgh just stop Liz don't kick off*
The image of my aim appears
"Mum! I have the money now and I want to get it all incase I spend it on crap"

I keep showing Liam and my mum pictures of; new sofas, kettles and random crap like those quote signs that you just hang up, they get dusty and you think "why did I buy that when I need food??"
Obviously Liam's the typical guy " yeah that's nice.."
Like when you drag them into shops and they say that for everything you try on!
Mum gets my determination to buy everything so she gets it..

Learning to budget is stressful, I'm so bad at budgeting money, if you saw my wardrobe and bank statements you'd know...

When I move in it'll be summer holidays so I'll be all alone in a flat I hardly know.. Yes I'm terrified I'm anxious and I have nightmares about getting so lonely I'll be depressed..

It reminds me of when I left hospital and could only sit on the sofa, desperate to leave and see the world, start my journey of life..

Now it's come it's scary,
It's like when you're 15 and keep saying "Urgh I can't wait till I'm 18 or 21!!"

Just to be able to get into clubs and feel older..
It's so over rated.


It's adapted to my needs but it's still scary..

So here's to the start of my new journey

My life, my future and my recovery in some aspects
(Writing that last bit made me well up)

My disability won't stop me

"Okay Lizzie let's call it a day, you must be tired"
*just let me decide when I'm tired*
"No, I'm fine I want to get the work done"

I carry on...

arm swings out smacking the door...
*urgh god sake!*
I grab it to hold it tight checking no one saw the sezuire happen...

I try my hardest to stay at uni 10-4 sometimes I don't last but recently I do...

My fatigue won't stop me and my epilepsy won't beat me
Because that's what I need to improve on..

I might not walk as well or be able to use my arm and hand but I'm coping and that's all that matters.

*okay Lizzie come on your alarms gone off..*
I sigh in my head making sure I have everything ready to get dressed..
As it still takes time.

I used to sit there feeling sorry for myself and wishing my life would change, constantly being told I'll improve and I won't be how I was at that point of time forever
Pushing the comments aside feeling like I'm never going to get any better.

I'm moving on with my life, improving my recovery and doing this by setting myself my own goals, no longer letting people tell me what to do and how I should do it.

I'll carry on and I'll prove to everyone I can and will do it.

Independence and goals

You see people tweeting and sharing Instagram photos of skinny women or relationship pictures quoting 'goals'..

My goals: 2014 

learn to walk
get my arm/hand back
be happy
smile always
regain strength
stop stress
relax
be healthy
try harder
go back to university
move out

After a stroke as i've said and learnt you need to gain independence and become yourself to the best ability you can, accepting your disability.
Its hard
Learning to walk and coping with life was hard.
You learn to cope and get on as you can...

My life still has ups and downs

My goals: 2016

complete and pass year one as I didn't manage this before (TICK)
passed and completed; all work, every lecture, essay, tutorials and practicals.

Move into my OWN place (flat or house) TICK
I found out i've been accepted for a flat i viewed recently, ground floor as I still have mobility issues.
moving in date: beginning of may...

Be healthier and stronger TICK
I've lost nearly a stone since january, I started the gym and walk a lot more (thanks to the fitbit)


Every year will consist of different 'goals' but i've achieved my main ones..


This is a short blog post mainly because it's just an update of my recovery..

Keep calm and carry on..

I'm keeping as calm as I can get, two years on from my stroke;

I take every trip or fall as a reason to focus on walking slower and I never though I'd say that,
I take every morning as a reason to get up and go, it's been taken away once before and I won't let my fatigue stop me.
I take every opportunity to carry on with my days however long they may be,
My life is a roller coaster constantly going through tunnels of crazy thoughts just like the scene in the original willy wonka;
Exciting, scary, interesting and sometimes confusing
I take my hardest to focus on everything my life throws at me; absent sezuires, headaches, a tight affected hand, my splint rubbing, my fatigue and my anxiety.

"How do you cope Lizzie?"
*oh god really?! Lizzie just be honest*
"It's hard but you just need to keep calm"

I still meet people who ask what's happened to me and still get the
"But you're so pretty and young!"
*oh come on..*
"That doesn't stop things like this happening but thank you"

I started the gym about 3 weeks ago, the last time I tried I was; too vulnerable, too weak and my epilepsy was bad, I thought I'd take my holiday in May to focus on getting stronger, it's my first holiday since my stroke without my mum.. It's an odd feeling but you've got to try new things
After a stroke it's full of testing yourself, your capabilities, finding out what you can and can't do (I'm sure sunbaving will be fine).

I have two programmes for the gym for when I'm tired and when I'm okay to carry on..

I think I need to try harder with my recovery and building muscle will help ( not looking manly)
I get stares but I carry on..

I look forward to my future as everyday is different

I can't see out of the corner of my right eye ( I only realised this when Liam tried talking to me standing on my right side and I couldn't see him)  but I keep it as a reason to look forward and just get on with life, living everyday like its my last because you never know what's around the corner..

So I'm keeping calm and carrying on...

I'm still the girl...

I'm still the girl that gets questions..
''So how far are you into your recovery?''

theres no percentage on recovery, and i certainly don't want to put one on it..

I'm still the girl;
 the girl that trips over her feet when walking
the girl that gets weekly blood tests to check her blood range
the girl that takes 10 tablets a day to keep her healthy and alive
the girl that hides her arm incase it sticks out and people stare
the girl that falls over when trying to step over something
the girl that tries to hard to get back to normality
the girl who is refused physio because she's 'too far' into her recovery
the girl who struggles with remembering simple things
the girl who's smile is slightly slanted
the girl who's brain is trying to connect everyday
the girl who gets her words mixed up
the girl who can't go back to work...

I'm always recovering and I'm always going to be 'that girl'

I still get flashbacks from the night of my stroke, anyone would..

People tell me to 'move on and get over it'

How can you get over something thats damaged you and changed everything in your life, body mind and soul...

''How are you finding it Lizzie?''

*mouth opens wide, a deep breath of air inhales into lungs..*
*Come on Lizzie you can do this, don't keep telling your fatigue it's winning... please*
*okay brain, shut up lets go*

As I lift my left arm into my coat hoping I've chosen the right one
*what if it rains??, oh wait you've got a hood its cool.*
*no seriously brain you're making me tired*..
I check I've got everything;
drink (with enough sugar to stop me fainting)
tablets ( because lets face it, you need those 9 evening tablets to keep you sane)
epilepsy card (because no one seems to have a clue what the recovery position is..)
* shit lizzie, what if you have a huge seizure, i mean you haven't had one for ages but remember you've never done a long day like this*
*right Lizzie, you're anxiety needs to leave. its an incurable illness, so.. deal with it.*

My left leg steps forward to the door;
my right leg follows as I shut the door behind me I look to the top of my long narrow road..
I make my escape from a place i spent a year sitting in.. ( I walk to uni)

It takes me 10 minutes, with a few set backs by a second with the crossroads on old dover road..
you know, opposite the college?.

I always check my reflection from the side in windows as I wander past, checking I'm walking okay
Telling myself constantly that I walk perfectly normal, just with this strange bulge on my left calf, where my AFO splint holds up my slowly improving drop foot..
Making people probably wonder if I've broken my ankle..

I hold my arm against my stomach, under my coat, sometimes letting go ( on the sly) to see if its resting by my side enough to let go..
*Liz, you're hands showing, the slightly clenched fist*
*Yeah and what? I've had my nails done..*

I walk holding my head high, sometimes if I don't tighten my splint tight enough I trip a bit but I walk okay other than that set back.. I hide the trip well



*okay Lizzie people won't read this..*



I got to the coach ready for my 7 hour uni trip in London.
Wondering if its a good idea.

I'm on the coach now, its left, everyones ready..

''okay guys fill in your health declaration forms please''

so I did as I think its probably for the best..

1 hour, no naps later..

''were meeting here at 7''

We wander to brick lane, slight detour to find the sights of where jack the rippers victims were found..

As we reach brick lane we head straight to the bagel shop..

arm flicks out, eyes roll to the left and you get anxious
*oh my god Lizzie, you've just had an absent seizure*

Carry on to spitalfields..

My feet ache and my blisters are throbbing,

as people walk fast past me some nudging some avoiding us, I walk as fast as I can to catch up with everyone,

2 hours later 
two blisters and about 20 absent seizures..

We reach white chapel gallery to watch some guy (Lance Wyman) do a ''talk''
for 2 hours!!.

head starts rolling forward, eyes get tired and a headache kicks in..

*Lizzie you had a free drink, why didn't you get alcohol? urr because i'd be drunk?*

''Okay thats my lecture done''

*bloody hell, thank god!*


The stairs down had about three flights and I'm still walking one step at a time..
The traffic jam builds up behind me..

We leave London, and arrive to Canterbury at 11.


Second uni trip done!
my fatigue isn't even that bad today..

Achieving my goal

When I suffered with my stroke I had only been in my first year of university for three months, enough time to finish one project and essay, I then left year one to recover from my stroke as I was to Ill to return for year one and two that year..

I spent months focusing  my neuropsychologist meetings on; gaining memory, working on confidence, Getting my life back on track, learning to live life as close as I did before in my new body and half a brain..

'Will I be able to go back to university in September?'
'No Lizzie you definitely won't return for years, I'd say about 2017, you need to recover'
*tears stream down my cheeks, as I wipe them away focusing on how far I've come; walking, learning and so on..*

My life turned into goals and tasks and this was before university this was my recovery and how I would achieve my recovery goals..

'Elizabeth we'd like to know if you're returning to university as your place is open but you'd retake year one'

'Mum, I'll be the oldest and no one I know will be there'
'Liz, you'll make friends along the way..'

I started year one on September 4th 2015 (just over a year since my stroke)
If that's not an achievement I don't know what is,

I had already passed the first project luckily because trying to relearn it was harder than expected, I chose on my own to throw myself in the deep end and finish what I once started, I was determined in my mind to push myself and test my body, I now listen to my body if it gets tired or aches as that's when I need to slow down.

'Lizzie the walking to from and around university might be to much'
*come on legs you can do this, finish the work and walk where you need to, you learnt to walk and aimed to achieve university.*
My brain accepts this challenge from Monday-Friday 10-4

I've finished two projects, one essay I've got to start but it will be in on time, one of my projects was displayed on the graphics wall for everyone to view, I try out illustration styles with my work as graphic style is a lot more complicated and I never got the hang of Photoshop and all that..

I've handed the projects in, had them checked and managed to keep up..

My fatigue is getting better as I in myself am getting stronger.

'Elizabeth I'm going to discharge you as you are on track with your goals and your memory has improved'
Said my neuropsychologist, I smiled..

This year ends in May, then onto year two..
I've beaten a goal and finally tried out something new

My achievement will stay with me forever and the best part is it'll only get better..

two year mark

''Now Liz i'm not saying it's going to be easy, but its going to be worth it''

*Mum i'm scared, I hate my life*
''Liz, this too shall pass''

The past two years have gone faster than anyone assumed from the start, I never thought something I found so devastating could have given me such good opportunities and accomplish so much more with my life;

my first and main goal was walking.
I now walk as much as I can. still with an AFO splint but i'm able to control my balance and much more, it'll only get stronger..

My second goal;
get my life back on track.
Obviously with many alterations, I knew i'd need to change a lot of things that I used to do.

Return to university;
This is the biggest part of my recovery (to me) and to those whom saw me everyday and realised I had nothing to talk about or do with my days..
They accepted me to return to first year, i've completed half of the year, my work has been hung on the graphics studio wall for everyone to view (this has never happened to me before) I feel like all the hard work has paid off and just like walking; will only get better...

get over everything thats happened;
I mean you can't get over everything, people would say I was boring and won't ever make new friends because of how I was still hurt by my stroke.
I can now wake up on a bad day and do simple things like walk upstairs without the railing in my hand *Lizzie you couldn't do this at the start*
the sides of my lips raise to show a smile repeatedly sending happy signals to my brain.

my favourite part of recovery;
reflecting on every time I doubted myself and felt like giving up. Looking back at how many fake friends I lost and how many real friends i've gained.
the whole experience of recovery is odd, You'll always have down days and happy days as your body and brain is still connecting to emotions.
proving people wrong is my main achievement. I still remember looking a physio in the eye in hospital;
''Will I ever walk again??''
*please say yes.*
''Well you'll be in a wheelchair for a long time maybe a couple of years?...''



My stroke is the; worst weirdest but somewhat happiest moment so far..
I mean i'm still young in my brain so really ''happiest moment in my life''


I read back on these blog posts and can see improvements; spelling, less swearing, a happier person and a person who is more in control of her life.



I've learnt you get thrown some of the worst things in life and go through struggles daily, everyones different but you get up and go.



My two year story and many more to come...

next year i'll be stronger;

*Just think in 6 months you'll be stronger* a tiny piece of paper with my nans fancy writing left on my hospital bed after a hard physio session..

She was right.


and so was my mum

Messing with my head..

'Lizzie you do know I'm leaving at the end of the month don't you?'

My throat warms up as I try to swallow it tingles as if I'm going to burst into tears, my eyes start to twitch as I prevent the tears incase they think I'm as insane as i seem...

'No I didn't know'

I respond like I don't care, like I'm just over it and not hurt or feeling anxious of a replacement 

My mind all confused and jumbled already with;

'Not another one'

'What if they don't understand my problems'

'What if they can't help me'

Since the first month of my recovery I've had people walk into my life.. My damaged life, my healing brain..

'Liz it's normal it happens'

'I know mum but I get attached'

You've helped me for a short period of time during a long journey of recovery.. 

'They gain experience and move on'..

My lip shakes and my heart sinks..

'BUT I DONT WANT TO BE AN EXPERIENCE!'

I have stronger feelings and a brain that clings onto people, you can't just enter and leave my life without leaving scars and tears, you become a distant memory always playing on my healing brain..

My learning support assistant is leaving, just like occupational therapists and physios, they've helped me at times I struggled but leave like I can just 'get over it'

I know I will but I'm used to it now... 

Onto  the next one...

Getting on with life..

As you can tell, it's been a while since I wrote a blog post so here's why;

I didn't think my recovery would get any better as I didn't see any changes for months, I heard it would slow down but never thought it would be as slow as it was,

Binging on alcohol when I went drinking after massive relationship break ups and damaging my body even more, I finally discovered a new start..

Meeting stroke survivors who had tried and motivated themselves to recover to their best ability.

I sat on my own everyday at home unable to join university within the first few months of my stroke due to the fatigue and memory problems also walking..

I was determined to go back and try to reconnect my brain, in the struggle of the ups and downs harsh comments from neuropsychologists telling me they still thought it was 'too soon'

I took my own mindsets decision in doing what I wanted, I was so sick of hearing people telling me what to do, assuming they knew me inside and out..

I returned to university in September 2015, to start my future and my journey also to watch the dramatic recovery start; retraining my brain to learn, listen, be motivated, sit still, walk more, eat healthy in order to let my body discover new ways of living..

Meeting people, becoming polite, positive and stronger than I ever have been..

I've started the first proper module and handed it in, in time for the deadline

I've started my second essay and second project due to the stress I cause myself if I'm behind or struggling.. 

I write my own notes, I've seen myself go to uni at 10am and leave by 12; yawning napping a lot, headaches and crying over stress of not thinking I'm ready.

To; working above targets, speaking aloud in lectures, communicating with strangers and peers to sitting and walking around uni from 10-5 (we finish at 4) I've noticed how happy I am when I come home from just doing something with my day instead of feeling sorry for myself.

Your body can change in a matter of days months and weeks.. 

Just like your life. 

When you put your mind to achieving you can beat anything. 

Be motivated, stay positive and focus on the future. 

At new year my boyfriend at the time proposed to me, so I guess I can call him my fiancé. 

For now; I've started a 'detox' for my body, no Facebook, not as many takeaways, drinking water instead of Coke and doing my exercises and walking more.