Reflecting..

I don't think I've written a reflection blog post recently, I just kind of add in slight improvements that I achieve..

*Three years ago today*
You know the Facebook memories that appear on your 'on this day' section..

I always cringe because I think 'oh god, what drunk picture will it be today'..

Today;
Along with a picture of me and Liam was a photograph of me, 'looking' but I can assure you PRETENDING to be happy..

The day I returned my wheelchair & walking sticks..

Standing, I repeat STANDING! outside the 'stroke ward' that I spent three loooong months of my life.. *kingston ward*
A ward I will never forget; vivid memories of older patients, some dying and others just looking to ill to process what day it was, The smell is a smell I will never forget..

Why did I have a photograph outside here? First of all, I'm sorry to my stepdad who I basically forced to take this photo of me, standing tall and holding myself in a way that when I look back I realise how fake the 'happiness' was, how I would pretend to be someone I wasn't...

The stroke survivor;
I tried the ambassador role, basically my life was becoming my stroke "I hate everything"
"Two months today since I learnt.."
I have 500 friends on Facebook and probably only 30 actually 'follow me' due to how depressing I was..

I look back and sometimes actually feel sick at how much I was pouring out, I mean I had to be strong but I was weaker than weak..

I don't like the definition of 'oh you had the stroke at 20' I HATE it.. this is why I stopped with the ambassador role, not that I don't support the stroke association but I'd much rather have a life?

The tattoo phase..
'Might get stroke survivor as a tattoo' CRINGE! Yeah glad I didn't.. I'm always reminded of my disability and this is just a cover up of trying to be 'recognised' which I don't want..

Walking;
I walk everyday, with a splint obviously.. this is a normal thing now, I love walking!! I trip sometimes but like I said "I walk to fast" *my bad*

Be positive;
Mentally and physically, it helps with recovery, my droop is improving because I am happy now and it's not fake *always smiling* I still share positive quotes because they do help, people must get sick of seeing them but sometimes you need a boost from a quote created by someone else..

University;
I'm nearly at year three!! I've had family members assume I won't actually get employed because of my disability and that upsets me, I mean "who are you?" Don't judge my recovery..
Something I was told I'd never achieve was even returning and there is no better feeling than walking to university and knowing I'm going to learn!

Appreciate life;
Always stand strong, smile even when you're hurting and never give up, life's tough at times..

I've learnt to deal with every situation as it comes, I still struggle and always will but I'm learning to deal with my faults..

And this blog is a reflection of a bad time in my life, including positivity to aim forwards..

and no I didn't get the tattoo :) ...

It's my life..

This is something I have to deal with everyday; I'm not struggling and I'm coping just fine,
People used to say 'oh you're so brave, how do you do it?'
I don't.. I kind of have to? I can't just 'give up' I mean that'd make the 'professionals' who assumed they knew how I'd recover right..

And let's be honest, they couldn't of been more wrong.. *shame on you..*


I deal with 'this' everyday; epilepsy, headaches, paralysis and a different type of walk.. I still get so many stares, mainly at my leg (because you can see my splint) but like I said.. I can't walk without it, I hold my arm as a type of security, to make me feel 'complete' when I don't hold it, it hits people or gets stuck on door frames..
I deal with my kidney 'problem' everyday and have done since I was 'born' but I've learnt how to recognise signs of a relapse and when it's time to 'contact the doctor' who probably is sick of the sight of me..

I guess you could say brain injury life is like 'baby brain' which I've never experienced and won't be anytime soon..

You forget things;
locking doors
Turning things off (which I've never been good at, proof is the burnt holes in my dads old carpet from leaving straighteners on)
Needing support with certain things, I try my hardest but sometimes you NEED that extra 'pair of hands' no pun intended..


I've stopped assuming people are 'out to get me' when I try to open a bottle or something I'll always get the occasional stare and someone offer to help..

The worst thing I get and actually HATE is;
'Oh my god, you're so brave' yeah yeah..
You have no choice, I wouldn't give up, what would I be then? A failure?..
life goes on and my brain is forever connecting, which excites me more than anything like I said
I CAN FEEL IT! ..

'Volunteering; 9-1'...

First days are always scary, I mean what's a first day without nerves?..

I know it's not my brain injury kicking in, this is 'normal' which made me feel like some part of today was going to go really well..

I always arrive really early, in this case earlier than when the doors were actually open, which was quite embarrassing..the wall was freezing cold and about 5 ladies asked if I was okay, I must look insane. I was starting a new journey in my recovery, one that was going to get my future going, 'yay work' I used to work in Fenwicks and HATE it, the bitchiness was too much.. I always arrive early

Today I started a new 'adventure' which was volunteering at Pilgrims Hospice in Canterbury, a position that my wonderful stepdad- mikes friend (Paul Barrett) helped me 'get' so thankyou Paul :) 

I haven't worked since my stroke, I mean university is probably the closest..

"I'm sorry I'm really bad with memory"

I was inducted on everything from; replacing patients water and even checking that they had everything they wanted for that time of the morning '9am'..

The hospice know all about my disability and things I struggle with, obviously I had to tell them.. this made me feel so comfortable, walking around feeling independent and confident to just enjoy 'working' again..

Fatigue;

I was exhausted! When I say exhausted it was just like after my stroke, all I wanted to do was crawl into my bed and sleep.. 

"Stop being so polite, you're not at school"

I kept asking to go to the toilet and letting them know if I was 'getting a drink', I hate not 'informing people' when I'm doing something.. I was told to stop being so polite and just do whatever I wanted as it's voluntary work.. 

I told a regular reader I'd update him on my 'coffee making' skills.. but unfortunately Jim I didn't experience making coffee, therefore this is still 'to come' in my recovery :) *watch this space*

My first day was followed by news that my kidneys are finally 'behaving' again and that I'm currently reducing my medication, I have another shift on Friday which I'm certain will be posted in this blog so here's to the future! That seems bright :) 

Life on the outside, an interview with Liam..

"Lizzie, I love you of course I'm gonna look after you"
We've been together over two years and engaged since 2015 (new year)..
*too bloody long* as we both joke, but then every couple does..

My mum and step dad obviously 'put up' with my; moaning, start of my recovery and so much more than Liam will ever experience..
But I thought I'd write this post and almost include an 'interview' with the man himself; Liam O'Reilly whom I write about all the time..

 Liam was lucky enough to meet me when I was a bit more 'stable' in my recovery; walking, starting university and understanding my faults a lot more than before..
*The depressed stages of my life*..

"Liam, do you love me?"
Something he sighs at every-time I ask because it's pretty much everyday..
After a stroke you forget to trust, you loose confidence in your body and the idea that someone can accept you for who you've become disappears as those who've read through before this has happened to me more than once..

"How do you cope?"
I wanted to ask Liam how HE copes, we live together and me moaning is a regular occurrence..
*I hate my arm, I hate the fact I can't do this*..
"Lizzie, you're beautiful, you need to stop putting yourself down"
...
"I just need to be there and be strong for you"

I do need help with certain things still and there typical 'one arm struggles' and balance,
The amount of times I've fallen flat onto my face ( not from drinking) but my balance.. and mum would say its because of my stupid splint thats broken :)
*attachment issues*

Liam's saved my life in many ways, seizures can kill you (not to worry anyone) but the whole
swallowing tongue' and crap like that..
My biggest fear when I met Liam was that he'd see me have a 'HUGE' seizure, because there not nice to watch and I get scared he'd not look at me the same..

The first time was difficult, Bang and I'm on the floor (our first holiday)
The first 4 hours were difficult, he looked terrified..

Recently I've experienced a lot of seizures, but everyday I suffer 'absent seizures' where I'll wander round the flat or just phase out of everything, Liam knows now
"Lizzie, calm down.. breath come on, you're fine, you're safe here have some sugar and relax"

I started university when I met Liam as  we both knew this was the best thing for my recovery..
He's supported me as much as he can, I mean when I ask him if he 'likes my design' or stress over support he'll just zone out because I'm *having another moment*

Most people will probably laugh at this but my blogs about honesty and life after a stroke;
My struggles include Liam needing to shave my armpits as its SO hard with one arm..
He sometimes puts my bra on for me because otherwise it gets twisted.

"URGH I can't do it!!!"
*Lizzie, try you can just try again, don't give up..*

Liam's taught me to never give up, never give in and to be strong..
Sometimes I do feel like I need to be for him, but then I remember he feels that way about me..

This is dedicated to the most amazing fiancé who supports me through everything I go through..
So thank you for being so amazing and treating me like a princess..


Here are some pictures, including Liam waiting in hospitals for me to be examined.

Me and my brain injury..

me and my brain injury live together everyday, it takes over my brain like a bomb,

I have a brain injury my brain injury doesn't have me.

People look at me in strange ways because when I tell them about it, they can't tell.. even 'professionals' seem shocked,
"What's a brain injury?!"
Thinking you're just really clumsy and trying to blame something..

It's so hard to explain such a detailed disability, something no one can see or understand, the closest people to me can't realise the struggle;
Processing emotions dealing with the independence of leaving my front door teaching my brain every single object in sight, 'oo that's a nice tree..'
Trying to memorise certain things I might see 'should I write that in my notes section on my iPhone?!' *would anyone care that I've seen a woman trip up or an argument in the middle of the street?*

Is it a waste of energy...

Processing everything correctly so I look SAINE, the best version of everyone's 'normal' that they aspire to be... why?
Why do you want to be like everybody else? I've created a new person from my stroke, I've not let it define me 'yeah that's Lizzie, she had the stroke!' *no, I'm a 23 year old student who's living with serious illnesses.. dealing with something I can't change.

Me and my brain injury are always at war,
"URGH you stupid idiot, I can't remember what I was about to say"
*calm down, just try to think backwards to when you knew what it was*

You introduced me to epilepsy that's harder than dealing with you, explaining to people when you just need a break, time to just zone out of an uncomfortable situation..
try to distance your brain from worry and stress.. the constant anxiety of *will I have a sezuire?!* am I safe here?..

Doctors and nurses talk AT you as if you're creating some random illness..
"So here's some leaflets about brain injuries" you know the a5 folded leaflet that to us living with brain injuries is a load of crap?
No piece of paper can explain the difficulties we live with, nothing can describe how we cope day in day out..

But our brains NEED to be strong and HAVE to keep fighting..

"We say this to everyone who's suffered a brain injury" .. take it easy, don't do anything strenuous and just relax,

Brain injuries are real and a serious disability, we will live with it forever but never let it defeat us..

So ill keep fighting..

Why?

2014 - the 'no makeup selfie' that was in the daily mail

2014 - my first day home :) 

Learning to walk again.. 

BBC Radio 5 live interview 

My wonderful mum is to thank for the idea of this blog..
I am not training for a marathon and the link is spelt wrong as I couldn't process properly when creating this blog..
 You're all here because well, you're amazing and clearly have an interest in my really fun life.. ( recovery)
For those 'new readers' I think you should all be 'introduced' to this blog and probably me..

Clearly you know my name :)

I won't make you read back through my depressing blog posts with awful spelling mistakes..

On February 10th 2014
*ages ago now*
I woke up paralysed down my left side and later on in hospital found out I'd suffered a Right Middle Cerebral Artery Stroke, ( I was 20)..
I still have no idea what the type of stroke is, only that they couldn't treat me quick enough because my brain was too swollen..
The blood clot travelled from my right leg through my neck and lodged its kind self into my brain ( the right side)..
I spent three LONG months in Kent and Canterbury Hospital; Kingston ward then Harvey Neuro-rehabilitation ward, learning to walk, be independent and basically start my 'recovery'..
After being released from hospital I had carers visit me at my mums house, who would teach me to; get dressed, shower and be independent..

I was told I'd never walk again and now I'm literally always walking..
I have a different gateway to everyone else, because I've pretty much taught myself to walk, I wear a plastic 'split' on my left ankle that yes you can see.. so don't point it out. As my ankle is still paralysed.. Without this I'd be falling over and covered in bruises.

I've written so much about my illnesses that I won't bore you anymore but I have two blood tests a week..

My stroke left me with epilepsy and many other 'problems';
Fatigue - meaning I get exhausted quickly, so don't patronise me and get angry if I yawn at you
left sided weakness - I can't use my hand so I hold it (get over it)
Confidence issues - Obviously I'm going to be self conscious
Independence - I still need help with certain things because it's hard with one arm
Memory -I have memory loss and forget things really easily.
Blindness - I actually don't think anyone knows this, I can't see out of the right side of my eye
Face droop - people say they can't notice it, but I'm aware of the fact the left side of my face doesn't move
Sub-laxed shoulder - my shoulder isn't in the socket meaning it's hanging from my shoulder ( you can feel it)
vulnerability - I had so many people almost use me because of my stroke..
Brain injury - I live with a brain injury which isn't noticeable, however its everything joined together


SO many people throw stupid comments out there..
"You're so young"
'How do you do it?'
'You can't even tell.."
"Why are you always tired?"

That is my story and here I am today, walking and about to start my final year of university and living with Liam :)

My stroke has made me a stronger person and I'm so grateful for that..

2017 :) 

2017 on holiday 

The most inspirational woman you could ever meet (literally my best friend, my mum) 

Attachment..

I am aware my top needs ironing but its very difficult with one arm and I'm currently scared. of the iron..

The bruise is because I walked into a wall before taking this photograph (regular occurrence)


Me and my 'affected limb' (left arm/hand) I guess you could say..

You became the most dominant part of my body when I was 20 years old, changing my life forever and giving me more strength throughout the years..

You probably own the majority of the right side of my brain because you take up so much time!!
( I have too much time on my hands..)
Time to release the upset and hurt you bought with you,

When I suffered my stroke I was asleep therefore I wasn't able to take time getting to know you as a working limb, I mean yeah 20 years is a very long time..

But at that age you're actually still learning,
''Younger brains recover better'' yeah yeah...
look at me?!

I can't feel anything down my left side, when I say anything I mean..
literally, nothing! it's completely numb..

It's literally the coolest thing!
*really Lizzie?*
yes really..

''Oh my god I'm SO sorry!!"
(someone nudges me.. and actually apologises)
''Nope thats fine! I can't feel it''

Sometimes I'll get the occasional stare as if to say
*what?!* because no one can understand how nice it feels to have something touch it..

''You went through a really depressed time didn't you?''
Yes I did and I did self harm on this hand because I just wanted pain, I wanted to feel you..

You're missed even though you're attached to me,

My affected limb hangs across my stomach, some people probably think I'm pregnant and holding a baby bump ( I'm not)...

''Oh what happened to your arm?!"
*bloody hell, here we go!*

''Hmm.. its a LONG story so be prepared! and please don't cry"
I prepare myself for the regular comments, it's like a standard conversation..

''WELL I can't use it, LOOk!"
I grip my wrist and lift the hand.. the hand flops downwards as if it's the Queen waving,
(no pun, my name is Elizabeth) 

the look of confusion,
'oh'
*yeah oh! you're telling me!*

believe it or not, some of these people are nurses, and can I just point out (obviously not with my left hand)
THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO READ MY NOTES!?...
Boost of confidence..


Me and my affected limb, When people see me or meet me, I get so anxious because I hate when people stare.. everyone does!

''Oh I won't take blood from that arm''
*Pleaaaaaaase can you!!* I actually begged a nurse yesterday, mainly to experience the pain..

People treat it as if it's not there, Liam's even admitted he was
 'scared to touch it' now he's so obsessed with it, I tell him to stop touching it.
''Lizzie punch me punch me!''

the concentration on my face when I lift my arm is so funny, sometimes it shakes and wobbles, I just giggle..

I don't hate you for leaving me, I love you for leaving a scar thats made me who I am and given me a purpose to try harder and be a stronger human :)

and I'm sorry for not using you but exercises get so boring!

It's electronic!

Me and my epilepsy..
something I never really talk or write about because of how it makes me feel
But we met when I was 21, going through this hard phase in my life that at the time seemed to only ever get worse.. relationships ending, people treating me like I was even weirder than I felt; abnormal, disabled, lost and alone..

It clings to your brain (not sure where or what part)

'Epilepsy life'
Recently I met someone who spoke to me as if I was incapable of doing anything because of my epilepsy.. the comment of
"Oh you have epilepsy?!" Appeared..
*yes, unfortunately I do, do you have manners?*

Epilepsy makes you feel even more damaged, you get a rush of anxiety every minute of everyday,
My sezuires have been really bad recently, when I say bad I mean the worst they've ever been..

On Monday I was fortunate enough to have Liam in the flat just as it happened..
"Lizzie, I knew because it was 4:30am you were naked and made a weird noise"

Sezuires are a struggle to stop, my arm flys out and almost positions itself as if I'm doing a 'nazi' sign.. I then turn to my side (all to my left) and just make weird twitching movements.. when this happens I sometimes hold my arm and try to stop it,
"Oh nooooo Lizzie no please don't, calm down come on you can do it, breath.."

this hasn't worked recently but I've been under so much pressure that I'm not surprised.

Epilepsy harms not only me but those around me,
YOU need to look after me, YOU need to be aware of what to do; you know first aid? Then you're capable..
protect my head, lay me on my side and just calm me down..

Once I 'woke up' outside the doctors with a woman bent over me hysterically crying
"HELP, someone!!"
They then insisted on telling me everything that had happened, baring in mind after a sezuire you're the most anxious you can ever be..

Tired hurt and disorientated..

The one time you just want a hug from your mum..

Sleep, stress and sometimes lights cause mine,
Clubbing is okay (don't worry people)..
I know my limits and non stop strobe lights are NOT my thing..

When you have epilepsy you can't go a day without the worry of if you're going to have one..
It's taken me about 3 days to actually 'repeat' the steps I took when I suffered my huge sezuire last week.. I can't physically touch the ironing board.. the carpet gives me shivers and that time of day freaks me out..

The 'sofa sezuire' where Liam rescued me from, scares me more than anything..
When you have anxiety and especially from epilepsy you question everything
"It happened here! I was watching this programme I can't watch it again!!" (Haven't watch Harry Potter since 2015)
*mind overload, sezuire time..*

And BANG the floor is your new best friend..


Sezuires are probably the worst part of my 'life'.. I love my life so much and sometimes I do wonder why I'd ever doubted myself or my body especially about my stroke..
the epilepsy reminds me of my disability because YES people..

EPILEPSY IS A DISABILITY!

My brain is monitored by medication that clearly isn't working right now, it's altered by doctors whom have no clue what actually happens.

Morning routine;
My epilepsy tablets (AEDS) are laid out next to my side of the bed - Liam's idea
My movements in the morning (when getting up) are slow.. *slow and steady wins the race*
I take a breather before sitting up and establish if I feel 'wobbly' this is aside of my balance from the stroke
I rethink my nights sleep and check if its 'to early' to be awake (4:30am is too early!)

If all this is fine, I sit up breath and tell myself
 "I'm strong, don't let epilepsy beat and defeat you, it wants to take over your brain.."

And carry on with the day making sure that I carry the plastic wallet containing a first aid leaflet and all my details so if i'm lost and found, I can be
'Returned and saved'

I am not possessed
I am not a harm to anyone
and I do not need to be treated any different from someone without epilepsy.

Hospitals..

appointments are literally a weekly thing, I'd say task but believe it or not sometimes I enjoy it, venturing out of the flat and walking to a destination I know I'm safe in, somewhere I can hold my head higher than normal and feel proud of everything I've achieved so far,

I do the whole
"Hell yeah I've beaten a stroke"
*in my head*

The looks from older people are actually much worse, they look at me as if I'm not allowed to have a disability..

As you follow the loooooong corridor down the hospital passing the beeping number for the 'blood section' and the porters who if you're lucky (in my case) smile and say hi, *not sure if that's a good thing, am I a regular?*
And you  pass numerous plastic stands with leaflets basically explaining EVERYTHING you could ever be diagnosed with, the ones you probably have stacks of at home (I do) and never read..

And as you reach your 'designated destination of joy or anxiety you stumble across the really strong liquid that you kind of HAVE to use when you enter a; ward, room or leave the toilets.. you'll all know the one;
Strong antibacterial liquid. And then they bought out a moisturiser version to 'satisfy your needs' and soften your hands because this stuff is VILE. Like rubbing nail varnish remover all over your hands..

To be honest I actually avoid the stuff, mainly because it's horrible and I'm not planning on rubbing my hands all over people..
*thats not a part of me*

Always been told to 'keep my hands to myself'

Anyway;
When I come 'visit' or enter the hospital (Kent and Canterbury) for any appointment
I WAS told to 'write a list of questions' for the doctor I'm seeing.. (this is by the idiot neuropsychologist whom I don't see but slag off constantly)
I honestly don't think I've ever written a list, my memory is still really affected and you'll be reading this thinking
'I forget things all the time, that's normal!' Yeah not when it's about your health? My memory was much worse but I think it's improving (all part of the brain injury)

People give me a quick look up and down and they make it SO obvious! Like I said it's usually older people, which shocks me.. once I sat down and some lady moved seats..
my rude and abrupt brain was so close to lashing out 'IM NOT A DISEASE!'
My nan always tells me to just accept my disability because even on the bus I've been shouted at for 'sitting in a disabled seat it's like Catherine Tate
'face, bothered? Am I bothered?'

As I'm writing this, it might be because I'm currently listening to music ridiculously loud like a typical young adult, some guy is giving me the dirtiest look..
I literally just smile a really sarcastic smile and they look away, or I look them up and down because they've done it to me..

Im currently the youngest person in this really badly air conditioned room full of red leather chairs and the occasional smell of newspapers people are flicking through to pass the time, because..
Doctors take FOREVER!!

Another look..  and another sarcastic smile,
I think I should probably write a list of questions now..
After all it is 'my health'

support for a disability

I still remember sitting at my mums dining room table talking to my neuropsychologist (2014) about my plans.. yes they actually call them plans?
*i have SO plans, but first let me learn to actually stand?!?*

My goal was to return to university which by the way I'm currently waiting to start my third year!!

"Lizzie, you'll never go back to university your brain is to affected"
This was my neuropsychologists actual words, she said I'd never receive any support and it would make me really ill..

One thing I'm SO glad I never did was listen to this fool..yes you are an idiot.

You should NEVER let anyone tell you what you can and can't do, regardless of if you're in recovery or not..

Yesterday I met with the 'support manager' at university who's in charge of our support. she's so lovely! Always listening *when she's free*
Last year I started 'releasing' my support whom would help me; cut things, write notes, hold bags and basically anything a 12 year old would need help with.. which made me feel so young and I complained as I felt like my disability was being made even more obvious..
I genuinely never really needed that support, I struggle with;
Understanding
Reading through lines
Spelling
Writing structure
Memory and independence to 'speak up'

Possibly dyslexia. But I refused to pay £300 to take a test.. this is on top of the £9000 a year to actually go to university.

Anyway;
We spoke about support and next year my only support will be a 'mentor' who just does everything I used to ask my mum to help with "mum can you check my essay?" And so on..

I need help reading briefs given to me, this is because I physically can't take it all in..
Everyone has this problem but obviously I'm more aware of it, my speech and language has stopped but she's always there to help. (I love the NHS)
You are my saviour & life..


So I'm only going to have help with essay writing as year three is the dissertation, yaaaaay.

This demonstrates my brain re-connecting' and expanding its pathways,

Oh and basically proving my neuropsychologist wrong.
(She is the same lady who printed a sheet of 'dealing with emotions' off of google..)
*cheap skate*

My disfunctional brain..

I smile everyday (atleast I really try to)
I believe that things happen for a reason, mine being that I needed to learn to appreciate what I have and that I'm lucky to be in this 'world'
That sounds so cliche I know, but.. it's all a part of recovery; believing, dreaming and holding on.
As tight as you possibly can, no one should stop you from 'spreading your wings' and reaching your highest limit.
I use quotes to get by each day, people who follow my Instagram will understand what I'm on about..
And if you don't then the whole;
'KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON' quote and many more,
These helped me get through my time in hospital, people would give me cards and letters about how 'being strong is important' and trying to give me 'positive mental attitude'
Because my brain is dysfunctional.
More than you think or believe..

My picture brain;

"I know the face but not the name.."
"Oh I know where that is"

You wander in places and stand still at random points in the day, you could be ANYWHERE.. I mean anywhere, the other day I wandered into an art shop in Canterbury and ended up just touching pretty much everything. Fixated on colours shapes and outraged by the price of some of the stuff.. PAPER?! £10? *jesus*

I find this happens quite a lot, to be honest it's probably a type of sezuire but I refuse to even think of it as that, they scare me more than stairs.

My picture brain is learning every minute of everyday, growing new pathways and re-wiring, remember..
after a stroke you're literally like a child.

My dysfunctional brain;
You tilt your head to the side, you fixate your eyes on a certain point (this is when you feel like people are staring at you) to look 'normal'
You frown to adjust the wrinkles on your forehead and look like you're really thinking about something..
You just look insane!

My day to day life can be a blur, I'm living with a serious brain injury STILL.

My brain isn't connected 'completely' if there is a complete way for it to be.
Like I've said
NO ONE is perfect.
*she says watching some rubbish programme on the kardashians who love themselves*


Shapes;

Everything is a shape, I mean DUH? But in my brain it's crazy!
"Oh that building there" *yeah I know! Looks like a triangle?*

Let's 'cut some shapes' and wander around the town together taking in the 'world' as an object.

Colour and space;

I HATE SPACE! don't leave me on my own, people stare.. people can't 'take in' what I look like, who I am and how I act. I just circle myself and play weird feet games with myself, this makes me really anxious.
Colour makes me so excited! I LOVE pastel colours, bright colours don't 'sit to well' with my brain, but then some colours can be really harsh!

When you live with a 'serious' brain injury, you struggle to accept things, this is what no one understands.. the ups and downs aren't as 'easy' to recover from. It takes time and energy to process how to alter your emotions towards what's happened..

Day to day life's really hard, waking up in the morning remembering you NEED to always be the best version of you. People are 'routing for you!' You feel like you need to please everyone, even though you should never have to please anyone..

Mum always says; "as long as you're happy, that's all that matters"

"Am I a liability?"..

Something I've never really written about as a whole subject is my fiancé, Liam..
He's amazing!
My mum especially and my family are affected by my; emotions, anxiety and really rude remarks..
But me and Liam live together now (in the nicest flat - ground floor because of my disability) and local to our mums because YES we miss you!!

Sometimes and I repeat only sometimes, ill take the time out to actually ask him how HE copes..
"Liam, does my disability bother you?"
I know he gets so angry when I almost question him about how he's dealing with me as a person..

He explained to me properly yesterday exactly what it's like;
Let's just point out what he has to deal with so you can all realise just how lucky I am..

My sezuires;
"Lizzie, you go blue and bleed out of your mouth it's like staring at a dead body you're that stiff.."
*oh my god!! I never realised how horrible it actually is, I get scared seeing someone who's fallen over*

My fatigue;
His family are actually huge and always doing something that were invited to, my fatigue has improved so much and I think he's to thank because unlike others he actually allows me to leave the house and experience conversations to gain confidence..

"That doesn't really bother me, only when you get angry if you're tired and I want to stay out for a bit longer"
*i understand that more than anything to be honest, it's probably like when you take a friend clubbing and they moan non stop!*

My aggressive side;

Not just arguments because we actually don't argue much, but where my brains obviously re connecting I do get aggressive and argumentative, worse with my mum but with Liam it's unfair because he shouldn't deal with it.

"It upsets me because I get embarrassed when we're walking somewhere and you might randomly lash out if someone nudges you"

*hmmm okay, it is improving but I'll work on it!*
I think it's because he would be the one who'd get a slap if they reacted to my comments.

My medication;

It takes up pretty much all the draws in the kitchen! And he has to carry the tablet pots if we go out (bag and pocket problems)
And he can't buy chocolate because there's no room!
He sorts my medication out for me, leaves my epilepsy tablets next to my bed so when I wake up they're right there!

"To be honest, that doesn't affect me because you just get on with it and I know you'll be fine"

*it is cute though*

My stroke;

This is petty much the main disability, no use of my hand and my splint breaking constantly! He always fixes it. I still get really self concious about it, mainly because going out with someone with a disability so obvious must be difficult, I walk different abd sometimes it notices.

"Lizzie you're fine I love you for who you are and that's you. It doesn't bother me."

The questions rushed out of my mouth..

"Do you tell people?"
"Do people ask you?"
He sighs and just tells me that no one really asks because it's not their business, apparently they only ask what happens when I have a sezuire..

"Ill be honest with you because I never really have.."
*oh my god what?!*

Liam rolls over to look me in the eyes, I knew I was in for a story..

"When we first met, I didn't know if touching any part of your left side was going to hurt you and it worried me because that's the last thing I want"

Now he literally doesn't stop!! I have to tell him to stop trying to get my left arm to punch him..

"I knew you had sezuires because you told me and when I first saw one it was really scary but you just adapt"

ADAPT!

I think that upset me more to be honest, Liam shouldn't have to adapt because sometimes I think he shouldn't have to even put up with me, I am a handful!

MY 'STORY' (updated)

I've started writing more recently and try to explain in a much better/in depth way of how I almost 'cope' through I guess you could say (my life)..

For starters, the name of this blog was chosen and kind of decided on something my specialist said to me about how recovering from a stroke would and will be..

'Training for a marathon'
My mum is to thank for the idea of writing a blog and I'm so greatful for her help through structuring my writing..
I've had the whole "so when's this marathon?"
*urgh REALLY?!* I never ran before my stroke and I've basically only just learnt to stand on my own two feet without wobbling..

My 'STORY' consists of a looooong list of 'pain' struggle and stress?

'Nephrotic syndrome' which the daily mail called (nephritic syndrome) WRONG!
something I've had since I was 15 months old, it's either my mum or Nan who says "LIZ, I'm sure someone kissed you when you were a baby who had a cold and it affected your immune system' *great!*
It's an illness that affects a 'tiny' part of both my kidneys.. they leak protein which causes me to flare up and retain fluid on my ankles spine and face, this is why I sometimes relapse and have to take steroids and so many more tablets..

'Benign Intracranial Hypertension'
I had a really unhealthy lifestyle when I was about 15/16 that made it impossible to lift my head as I had such bad migraines due to I think fluid on my brain it also caused a sezuire (my mums literally only JUST found out I've never smoked or done actual drugs..) like 10 years later? *i think she was really shocked*

STROKE
yes that's why you're all here and hopefully still putting up with my spelling mistakes and constant life stories.

But I had TIA'S which are mini strokes for about 4months? I'd say about 4 a day, with my face dropping and arm completely numb, a nurse said it was a trapped nerve but where I suffered really bad anxiety that didn't help with the 'believing' my symptoms..

I'd walk diagonal and just be exhausted where my brain was shutting down..
That is normal..

I remember blaming the nurse for SO long, literally calling her every name under the sun because I accused her of making it happen.

EPILEPSY
well you all know what that is and it was caused by my stroke. :)

Now I realise and found out, they couldn't prevent  the blood clot as it  was so large that it couldn't be 'dissolved' which i think (from what I remember) caused me to nearly have an operation on my brain thank god I didn't!! I love my hair to much..

Essential Thrombycothemia (JAKI2)
This is a blood condition that I was diagnosed with AFTER my stroke.. when I say after, like two years?! Some strange nurse took a blood test then never gave it in, so now I'm on chemotherapy and iron tablets, I think it's where I produce to many platelets in my blood, this can also cause leukaemia (a form of cancer) which lets all pray it doesn't!!!

And yes thats finally it people!! To those who've taken the time to read about my amazing life, Infact it isn't even bad, I just get on with it.. you have to? What's the point in moaning and feeling sorry for yourself, I lost all my old 'friends' because of pretty much everything..

But this blog will continue to follow my journey through life, hopefully you enjoy continuing to read it..

You too will be 'training for a marathon' :)

Crowded spaces & busy spaces..

Crowds are a tough one! Possibly for everyone not just me.. you get shoved, pushed and agitated by people walking r e a l l y slowly..
Something that I TRY to calm myself down about; *Lizzie, come on you used to walk that slow.. take a chill pill*


"Liam, I'm scared.. who's behind me?!?!"
*I look around really sharp and with a sense of anxiety*
I can't stand people being close behind me, you know that people who feel the need to basically touch your shoulder  or breath down your neck if you're infront of them..

My ears get all twitchy and I get all nervous, it's an odd sensation that rushes through me..
I'd say like butterflies when you get really excited to go somewhere, but this feeling is like
(I'm either going to scream in your face or I'm going to cry my eyes out so please step away from the angry youth)..

This is since my stroke, I hate the feeling of being rushed or forced.. and crowds are the worst places for feeling like this.

Yesterday we attempted an air show in Herne-bay, the 'standard' *crowd warnings! Really busy!*
As we arrived towards the sea front Liam held my hand, I grip really tight when we're walking down slopes/hills because of my balance & I think Liam feels safer knowing he's got hold of me and I won't fall over..

My stomach turned.. CROWDS! I "Liam please can we just slow down I don't like it.."
he agrees with me because to be honest he HATES my 'abrupt and rude brain' kicking in..
"GO AWAY! Don't push me! Idiot."
As we take a slow stroll through this busy crowded street, I take in all the sights either dazed by my medication and its side effects or because I'm trying to process huge amounts of people and my fatigue is kicking in.


I always get so frustrated when in large crowds, when I'm with mum she realises this too, even my nan and grandad do.. I think the best part is that I myself notice it so I can TRY and 'stop' the anxiety of crowds..


After all Lizzie, you're one of the walking ones now..
Watching the sights and holding your head as high as you can.
Be strong, be confident and face the crowd.

What's to loose?

"I bet you rattle!"

I don't rattle and this is a short story about why I'm sick of hearing this strange quote, as tablets and medication actually dissolve when they hit your stomach?

Ooo yay a nice piece of thin green/off white a5 sheet listing different medications that we should thank whomever invented and created these magical 'beans' that sometimes dissolve as we aim to swallow them or in my case I'm lucky enough to have a NEW tablet (I can chew or suck it) and it tastes like orange!! *slight addiction*..

I take;
12 prednisolone tablets a day (kidney relapse)
Flucanozole (some fungus preventive)
Calcichew (orange chewy calcium tablet) yum yum..
As well as some stomach tablet once a week..

ALSO and yes I'm not stopping there..

My epilepsy tablet, muscle relaxant, blood thinner, chemotherapy and iron tablet..

These all change weekly as my blood (INR) changes if my blood decides to *behave or mis behave*
At this current point in time it's misbehaving, meaning the crease in my arm is bruised from blood tests

I think I wrote a blog post many months/years ago *sounds weird reflecting on medication*

But this is a daily task for me, my memory is still affected believe it or not, I do forget the routine of taking these tablets.. not enough to of caused another stroke (obviously) but sometimes enough to stress me out sooooo much!!

When I first had my stroke, in hospital you get those stupid paper tablet holders, you know the routine of the nurse in blue wheeling a wooden shelf that looks like something you'd see on a 1950's hospital program, waiting for the creaky lid to slide open, and her or him to measure out your tablets and that really horrible laxative drink thing..

When you leave you get that HUGE (in my case) bag with green pharmacy written all over it, containing about a months supply of medication *ooo yay* you get excited to take them whenever you can be bothered, not followed by a strict routine and time schedule by the hospital staff.

Anyway; my mum bought this plastic 'tablet planner' this 7day container that is now half lost and discoloured/ says 'mo, tu and so on because the really bad writing transfer has worn away.. *its THAT old!*

My mum still insists on me using this, it's probably because when I first 'escaped hospital' she'd sort all my medication out (brain injury/memory problems)..
I think she struggles to accept my confidence boom.. which is normal!


So my shelf and draws are like boots pharmacy, containing enough medication to last a life time!
Oh and..
Boots pharmacy see me walking towards the counter and start preparing my prescription, THAT is how old and ancient I am now..

Life of a stroke survivor on a lot of medication..

And NO I don't rattle, I simply take medication to save my life and help me continue my recovery from all these dreaded illnesses kindly given to me from someone who will never admit it's in their genes :) ps: many thanks, lots of love..

I am now going to arrange my medication..

A beautiful mind and soul..

I've been contemplating on what to call this blog post because when and if you're reading this you'll find it almost impossible to 'name' or give it a 'title'..

"Hello my names Amber Garland and I had multiple strokes when I was 19, in my; heart, lungs, arms, legs and my brain.. everywhere!" (YouTube - Amber garland in 2012) https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yffpYHbA5ss for those who want and SHOULD do research on the most amazingly inspirational and beautiful person I've ever met and will meet..

As a stroke survivor especially at a young age (I'd know as I'm soooo 'young') we don't get offered much support, I mean yeah the hospital physiotherapist and occupational therapy.. stuff that's 'essential' after a stroke..

Amber 'suffers' with aphasia
Aphasia - " inability or (impaired ability) to understand or produce speech, as a result of a brain injury"
In Ambers case her stroke.. which has also left her paralysed down her RIGHT side (affecting the left side of her brain)
It's so confusing WE KNOW!! (But yet we still mix our left from right)..

Amber wears an AFO splint that holds her ankle when she walks, just like me..
Her arm hangs across her stomach, just like mine and the majority of stroke survivors..
*its a habit! We can't let it go..*

When I suffered my stroke I only really 'heard' of other younger stroke survivors because it's actually very rare! But they'll probably all tell you that it's either; caused by the pill, a doctor misjudging a mini stroke with a trapped nerve or just a typical moaning grumpy young adult..

I've met Amber several times always for volunteer work as she's a stroke ambassador..
Always bloody busy! I don't know how she manages, as well as going to the gym everyday! And to those who have no understanding.. she's recovering EVERYDAY. It's a life long thing..

So Ambers been nominated for an award for volunteering (FINALLY!) after 8 long years of nominations and watching others win..

A massive hug was received when I walked through the large patio doors at Canterbury Cricket Grounds cafe to film her 'video' to be shown..
She's so happy and smiley, so positive and motivating as well as so inspirational!
At the age of about 26-28? I think..

We chatted and had a 'catch up' because that's what you do when you're being filmed *oh miss posh and famous*

Amber's speech has improved so much its crazy!

"My cognitive skills aren't good.."
"Oh picture memory! I know the face but not the name!"
"My toes curl when I walk without my splint"
"My leg shakes and my hand doesn't actually do anything.."
"It's tiring and people don't really understand"
*a few and I repeat FEW comments made by me and Amber, as stroke survivors we've both suffered really serious cognitive difficulties, this isn't just spelling or understanding it's processing emotions confidence and independence..

Two stroke survivors views and experiences..
You can't put a number on how many people stare at our walking and how we've positioned our arms because it would be impossible! We both aim to walk to a destination (in this case the toilet) and we walk as fast as we can.. maybe because we joked about wetting ourselves before? Or maybe because we've experienced walking slowly and want to show off.. who to? We don't know but in our brains there's always someone!

We both think happy thoughts despite the yawning and our legs shaking 'clonus' meaning that we're both exhausted!

We both hold our heads as high as we can to show strength and positivity towards what we've achieved and our strengths.

But we both hold a deep and dark secret..
we're different! We're special in our own way.. no one can 'out special' us, because we've aimed to be a new human and type of human that is resilient to anything life throws at us, weither we need; shower stools, stair lifts, a splint or sometimes just that boost from a peer to motivate us.

To those who never really try to understand our strokes or anyone's stroke in general.
You know who you are..
"You should be confident" "just be happy and strong!" "Will you ever get your hand back?" "Urgh you're always so tired!!" "Why do you not understand what I'm trying to explain to you, LISTEN"
*those sly comments that people who've just met you make, I mean who expects an idiot to even want to understand?* the majority of my family don't still. and I'll let you in to a secret..

Neither do I? Lol.

It's very abrupt and rude..

something I've actually always been is rude, I can be even worse now which I know that people probably never thought was possible..

When I suffered my stroke I just hated; everyone and everything.
And I've only really just adapted to realising this is because of my brain 're-connecting'. This time NOT in a positive way, I swear, I get aggressive and I get really up-tight, I've always been short tempered..

"Lizzie, you need to read through this sheet of emotions and how to analyse and TRY to understand what's going on in your head.."

I was handed some piece of paper with illustrations and a lot of writing! (exactly like you'd read at school) b o r i n g!
it was most probably found and printed off google.. this was given to me by my neuropsychologist when I left hospital.
I actually still have it (obviously creased and covered in stains/ripped) yes.. I still use it.
Mum always reminds me about it "LIZ, remember the piece of paper Aafke gave you in hospital? Read through it.."
*urgh go away!!*

Yep that's my abrupt brain kicking in.. mum HATES it. Always has and always will because I genuinely think it's something that will never recover,
What's life without a good old moan and groan (and a couple of swear words thrown at randomers who might nudge me).

Today me and mum had an argument in the middle of town (Canterbury) because.. and yes it was my fault *sorry mum..* I always refuse to accept if she's right, most people do this with parents..
I mean, I'm always right!? Duh.

My brain struggles to calm *calm it kermit* ..
even though next to my bed is; the destroyed and google printed sheet along with a 'keep calm and carry on poster' this is for me to attempt to wake up in a 'positive and happy mood'
No arguments, no rude remarks or sly comments, because..
"Lizzie, you can't tell you have a disability, you can't tell what people are thinking so don't assume"

Because I always do..
*oh my god, she's staring, she's looking at me funny..* and so on.

I've taught my brain to ask questions,
"Hello, how are you?"
"I'm really good thanks, you?"
After my stroke I'd literally stand there and just reply, "yeah fine thanks" and walk off.. *rude.*
But no one understood that was my brain injury, like..
Why should I need to know how people are, me me me..
:)

My brains struggling still, three years on.. like I said it probably always will! My family hate this and sometimes so do I..

Re-wiring brain

It's called a 'brain injury' this time, I'm fine..

This time my brain functions to the result of even nurses commenting
"Oh but you look SO well, you can't even tell!"
*yeah, yeah here we go..*

My brains re-wiring everyday.. every second and yes you gusssed it, every minute!
Want to know the COOLEST thing?..

I can feel it!!

The twinge in your head that's a start of a headache (for you) is a re connection of a 'nerve' in my skull..

Understanding certain things can be really difficult, reflecting on ways of doing something and processing exactly how I'm going to 'come about it'.

People don't realise this, they see a young 'woman' walking with an arm in a bent position looking 'comfortable'..  waiting for the right time to turn round and ask "what happened?!"
"But you're so young!"

*heard it all before...*

You miss out;
The constant headaches
hospital appointments three times a week (I'm now friends with a porter)
Bruises in the creases of my arm from blood tests
The flashing lights that show up if I walk outside to fast in daylight
The sezuire diary that is actually not the most sensible
(It's on my phone)..
The aim to walk somewhere but forgetting as soon as you've reached the wanted destination
The leg swing that sometimes gets stuck in front of my other foot (ill trip)
The anxiety of people staring and trying to take it what they're thinking about me..

Liam and so many other people say to me
"Lizzie, why do you care so much?"

*yeah yeah good point..*

You know their right..

But it's a re-wiring brain..

And this time it's going to be stronger than ever.

Standing strong..

Standing is something I'm still not the best at as my knee is still really weak, and I get
 'clonus -  A muscular spasm involving repeated, often rhythmic contractions..

And yes I did google that, I just call it a leg shake when my leg is tired..

It's so hard to explain, I basically could be standing anywhere.. and all of a sudden my knee does this weird shake thing, vibrating but non stop, then I start almost wobbling, if I'm honest it looks quite funny,
When I first learnt to stand this happened ALL the time! My knee was so weak and obviously the weight of pulling myself up onto my feet was really tough. Sometimes still is.
I just reposition my leg in other words *I move it*

My nephew would probably sing the 'I like to move it move it' song..

Yesterday me and Liam went to watch Chelsea play (and loose) football..
I stood the whole way of the tube, which I know full well my mum would be worried about. But.. I was fine! :)

People stare at you because I do wobble a lot, every time the tube halts to a stop I'm the person flying around and gripping on for dear life..
That's because my standing isn't the best, standing for to long tires me out.

But believe it or not, I managed to watch half of a football match standing on my feet,
and yes it hurt!

Epilepsy

"A neurological disorder"

Living with epilepsy brings enormous strain on not just mine but anyone around me..
Especially Liam and my mum..

I think I've written about how it can happen at any time, literally day and night (fortunate enough to of only had them during the day)
When I say *it* I mean sezuires..

It's an attack on your brain caused by electric shock type things (I think)
Mines a result of my stroke but before that I had a few sezuires due to stress and being tired, I also suffer with benign intracranial hypertension which is 'to much pressure in my brain'

*doctors almost 'slang' way of describing your health conditions.*

Ive recently been really ill with my kidneys starting to leak protein again (nephrotic syndrome)..
Which like I think I've said *yay steroids!* but also insomnia to the point of having sezuires..

I don't think I've written a blog post on my epilepsy and I've tried to describe the anxiety behind my sezuires from this post..

The tongue biting
Aching pains from convulsing so much
And the annoying moment your doctor wants to refer you to an epilepsy nurse to alter your medication.
But worst of all, having enough strength to NOT GIVE IN, don't let the anxiety overtake your brain that's already suffering from the shock of epilepsy.


Don't give up and listen to your body when it's telling you to rest and take it easy
(Advice from someone who never has and learnt the hard way)

Up and ready..

You learn to make the most of everyday as it comes, as time goes on it slowly hits you that you can't give up..
When I say 'give up' I'm referring to the 'professionals' who assume that you'll be 'giving up on recovery' 'left in a wheelchair' and 'accepting your disability' after your stroke..

Fatigue:
I've always mentioned fatigue, (the dreaded word that every stroke survivor suffers with)
What is it? And what does it mean/do?

In my eyes..
The persistent reminder of your brain healing itself and adapting.. trying to 're-connect' new pathways..
Basically the draining and tiring side affect that hits you everyday hour and minute of the day. The worst thing I do and will always do is to anxiously over think situations and assume I'll 'be tired!' *Lizzie, by 11 you'll be knackered, don't over do it*
But this tires my brain out even more..
OCD brain kicking in..

Before my stroke I think the worst thing was either my possible nephrotic syndrome relapses *yay steroids, yay weight gain and YESSS constant hospital appointments* not..
Or the fact my intracranial hypertension could cause sezuire (undiagnosed) at any point if I was; to tired or stressed. *ALL THE TIME!*
Typical human problems.

Anyway;
When I had my stroke I woke up to realise "worse things can happen, be strong and don't let any form of anxiety you suffered before interfer with your recovery.
*this is your life now*
The fun and apparent never ending recovery..
"Slow and steady wins the race"

Beating fatigue is so difficult and the anxiety after a stroke but like I said;
Life has to go on..
if I could look back and reflect on my 'actions, thoughts and mindset' post stroke..
I'd scream at myself to *STOP STRESSING*

"Stop trying to create unnecessary problems something, it's not going to happen" (to much mean girls)..

A summary of balance..

Balance is key to all functional movement..
A story of balance within the brain and how it can affect you after a stroke..

My balance since my stroke is obviously very affected, which like I always state is completely 'normal'.
Everyone trips over or has the little stumble of their feet not lifting quick enough or misjudging if the floor is uneven..

I walk quite fast, infact when I really think about it, too fast!
*slow down and take it easy, there's no need to rush..*
I always prepare myself and give myself enough time (always far to much) to arrive somewhere; appointments, university and obviously everything else..

This is because of my brain overloading, I hate the thought of not being 'on time' when you recover from a stroke (I know in my case)
The hospital care is SO OCD that it's literally impossible to cope with..
I mean, your brains 'reconnecting' and creating new pathways..

The numerous sheets consisting of a 'timetable' scheduled around when you're going to have physio or occupational therapy.. and so on (everyone's recovery is different)

It's like your first day at secondary school..

"Block C- maths" ...

I'm reminiscing on hospital schedules as it's a huge part of why balance is so important.

Balance;
Like I said, I walk too fast at times, I stumble and I do trip.. lucky enough I can sometimes stop myself from falling as my right leg is still strong.
However I'm guessing that balance will always be affected, once again
*another bloody thing to come to terms with*
As a stroke survivor you try so hard to almost push yourself to probably further than your limitations will/would let you go..
I do it :)
*clear run! Let's walk fast.. someone I haven't seen for years is near me! Let's show off..*

Obviously I can't and don't run.. never did and possibly never will.

Balance;
Managing your time & schedule to 'rewire your affected brain'
Back to the annoying OCD hospital schedule and list, I've realised as times carried on that fatigue is only ever going to try and 'beat you' but DONT let it.. fight the fatigue and stand strong. Accept your challenges and focus on sticking to the schedules given to you, this helps with time management in the future.

Step, step..

one step two step three step & more..
You look down at your destination, the bottom.. and your heart kind of sinks into your stomach already full of anxiety from how much confidence it takes to reach the bottom.. you forget you're on your own and simply say
'oh bloody hell, here we go!'
Probably the thing I'm worst at is walking downstairs.. I'm slower than I used to be (post stroke) which is completely normal as my knee is still extremely weak..

I've recently written a blog post about how me and stairs are meeting regularly and I'm slowly gaining the confidence to use them in public, s l o w l y (no pun intended)

I walk down them how children do, one step at a time..
When walking up them I'm the same as anyone! Just because I can't wait to reach the top

Stairs are my worst nightmare!

The rail is my best friend..
(Why do they only have rails on the right hand side!!) especially in hospitals.. and like I commented on before; clubs..

This time I'm not "lucky it was my left side"
Because stairs are out to get me..

You know when you bend your knee and it snaps forwards to the point where you are 100% aiming for a face plant on the floor, that's my left knee!
And then when I'm walking where it hyperextends it's crazy..
however for a stroke survivor this is totally 'normal'
I probably shouldn't but I try to avoid knee strengthening exercises as if I were to fall, I'd land flat on my face (not a pretty sight)
Due to the arm and hand function..

So.. a lot to deal/think about all to work on stairs!!

 (Recovery knowledge and update!) your favourite and only reason you read this blog..

It probably takes me approximately 4 minutes to walk down one flight

Lizzie stay calm, calm down..

*This blog post contains words that readers may find distressing*
(To much geordie shore)...
When you suffer with epilepsy you usually know your symptoms and signs to look out for before a really 'big sezuire'
When I say 'big' it's;

A grand mal sezuire -

Today for the first time in months, I suffered with what me and Liam class as 'a bad one' this time it was 'horrific'..

I wanted to write a main blog post dedicated to my sezuire a and how they affect me as I never really talk about them..

I get anxious being around anyone just in case they don't know what to do if I have one.
It's a massive thing, even to those without epilepsy;
Feeling safe and being able to trust the person/ people you're surrounded by. 
Epilepsy causes anxiety due to not feeling safe around people, and then worrying stress or upset cause sezuire (a circle that's hard to cope with)..

Today I was alone.. I knew it was going to happen as I get really severe warning signs..
* head starts tilting my left arm flies out to the side and is so stiff
Today I was facing forward and trying to prevent my arm being so tight, gripped it to pull it down towards me, (the arm that doesn't work) 
As I flew down I felt myself turn and hit something, luckily I was concious (without my phone near and hearing the screams and scratches along the carpet)
I'm sorry if this has affected anyone but like I always say I'm honest within my blog and it's so people really get an understanding..

I've been so stressed and unable to sleep for weeks due to the worry of relapsing which you read about in the previous post.. 

Stress is a huge factor.. 
what's life without stress? I envy those who are never stressed

Continued..
Like I said I was conscious, I'd managed to roll onto my left side, the recovery position but in my case obviously difficult to stand up on as it's stroke affected..
It's actually the worst part when you feel your neck twisting completely round, I'm thinking of ascend from a movie but can't think of it.. (involves a turning head..) 
I'd cushioned myself on my right arm which lay I front of me.
That's the second scary part, the calming down and reassurance by myself today, my brain was slowly calming down.. as I spoke to myself and tried breathing slowly 
As well as screaming and wanting someone to 'save me' but not notice I hadn't had a chance to put any clothes on..

Anyway, 
*Lizzie come on, breath just breath.. you're okay it's fine and it's stopping..*
As I did this my brain reacted and did calm down.

Then..
*OH GREAT HOW THE f*** do I get up!?!* 
This was because I still need support to stand up off the floor..

I lay there thinking of strategies of how to get onto my feet..
*right sit up and use your right arm to lean on..*
So I did, distressed in the fact my left arm was practically stuck to my back.
Now look around for things to lean on.. I slowly edged towards to chair that lay on its side.. 

Clonus- a symptom from my stroke where my knee muscle gets tired..

This really failed.. 

You know the army adverts, shoulders crawling forwards towards the 'goal' 
I did this but I'm a post stroke disabled way.. 
Was actually quite funny but obviously scary.. 

Anyway..

I'm safe alive and hospital checked..
But I wouldn't say 'well'