It's electronic!

Me and my epilepsy..
something I never really talk or write about because of how it makes me feel
But we met when I was 21, going through this hard phase in my life that at the time seemed to only ever get worse.. relationships ending, people treating me like I was even weirder than I felt; abnormal, disabled, lost and alone..

It clings to your brain (not sure where or what part)

'Epilepsy life'
Recently I met someone who spoke to me as if I was incapable of doing anything because of my epilepsy.. the comment of
"Oh you have epilepsy?!" Appeared..
*yes, unfortunately I do, do you have manners?*

Epilepsy makes you feel even more damaged, you get a rush of anxiety every minute of everyday,
My sezuires have been really bad recently, when I say bad I mean the worst they've ever been..

On Monday I was fortunate enough to have Liam in the flat just as it happened..
"Lizzie, I knew because it was 4:30am you were naked and made a weird noise"

Sezuires are a struggle to stop, my arm flys out and almost positions itself as if I'm doing a 'nazi' sign.. I then turn to my side (all to my left) and just make weird twitching movements.. when this happens I sometimes hold my arm and try to stop it,
"Oh nooooo Lizzie no please don't, calm down come on you can do it, breath.."

this hasn't worked recently but I've been under so much pressure that I'm not surprised.

Epilepsy harms not only me but those around me,
YOU need to look after me, YOU need to be aware of what to do; you know first aid? Then you're capable..
protect my head, lay me on my side and just calm me down..

Once I 'woke up' outside the doctors with a woman bent over me hysterically crying
"HELP, someone!!"
They then insisted on telling me everything that had happened, baring in mind after a sezuire you're the most anxious you can ever be..

Tired hurt and disorientated..

The one time you just want a hug from your mum..

Sleep, stress and sometimes lights cause mine,
Clubbing is okay (don't worry people)..
I know my limits and non stop strobe lights are NOT my thing..

When you have epilepsy you can't go a day without the worry of if you're going to have one..
It's taken me about 3 days to actually 'repeat' the steps I took when I suffered my huge sezuire last week.. I can't physically touch the ironing board.. the carpet gives me shivers and that time of day freaks me out..

The 'sofa sezuire' where Liam rescued me from, scares me more than anything..
When you have anxiety and especially from epilepsy you question everything
"It happened here! I was watching this programme I can't watch it again!!" (Haven't watch Harry Potter since 2015)
*mind overload, sezuire time..*

And BANG the floor is your new best friend..


Sezuires are probably the worst part of my 'life'.. I love my life so much and sometimes I do wonder why I'd ever doubted myself or my body especially about my stroke..
the epilepsy reminds me of my disability because YES people..

EPILEPSY IS A DISABILITY!

My brain is monitored by medication that clearly isn't working right now, it's altered by doctors whom have no clue what actually happens.

Morning routine;
My epilepsy tablets (AEDS) are laid out next to my side of the bed - Liam's idea
My movements in the morning (when getting up) are slow.. *slow and steady wins the race*
I take a breather before sitting up and establish if I feel 'wobbly' this is aside of my balance from the stroke
I rethink my nights sleep and check if its 'to early' to be awake (4:30am is too early!)

If all this is fine, I sit up breath and tell myself
 "I'm strong, don't let epilepsy beat and defeat you, it wants to take over your brain.."

And carry on with the day making sure that I carry the plastic wallet containing a first aid leaflet and all my details so if i'm lost and found, I can be
'Returned and saved'

I am not possessed
I am not a harm to anyone
and I do not need to be treated any different from someone without epilepsy.