Everyone's stroke is different so don't compare me.

Something I'd get on a regular basis was people comparing my stroke to their grandparents or someone they knew who had, had a stroke. ''Yeah you'll get your hand back my granddad did after a year'' to be honest, I wasn't found until the next morning and wasn't thrombolise d so the blood clot was still damaging my brain for hours after I'd probably had it. Don't tell me what's gonna come back and what's probably not. Don't compare my stroke to someone you know might of had one and definitely don't talk to me as if you were with me from day one. There's nothing more that upsets me to be honest. I'm just dealing with the fact I've actually had one and trying to get my life back. I really don't need your 'trying to help' comments because it doesn't.

Rant over, and hopefully it sticks in people's heads 

''Lizzie, will you run after me?''

I knew it was coming, he'd asked his granddad, dad and I was the only other one waiting for him to have a run around after we'd spent an hour watching a film I didn't remember but apparently watch every year (stroke brain) 

Isaac my favourite little boy (my nephew) whom I adore more than anything, ''can you chase me Lizzie?'' Luckily my step dad just replied 'no Isaac no ones chasing you today we're all tired' 

Maybe one day I will chase him again, maybe one day I can chase my own child  (definitely not as fast as I might of before) but maybe one day.. That's my goal, if I reach the goal of learning to run it'll make me so happy 

To my darling nephew Isaac. I will chase after you one day and will always love you no matter what, even when you fart during the whole film and ask my mum if she's the same age as Santa Claus  

Baths aren't the same

So because of my epilepsy and stroke I have to have help getting in and out of a bath, my mum bless her sits outside the door on the noisy step waiting for the 'mum! I'm ready' call to get me out of the bath, ''right Liz put your right leg over the bath and balance on your left'' 

And every time I forget so I get her to repeat it, it's so bad now that I literally can't be bothered to have baths, you get in them to; relax, chill, have a face mask and just try to forget everything. 

but when you're sitting on a Matt that stops you slipping so you don't drown and have a cushion behind your head to stop you smacking your head, and knowing you have a poor person waiting outside for the wretched call of  

'I'm ready now''  and opening the door to a girl just sitting in a bath, that's gone cold by the time she's tried to spend in there, struggling to actually stand up to leave it, skin so wrinkly and brain so confused she physically needs to be lifted out as if she's still paralysed in her leg. 

That's the baths I have, not relaxing, not enjoyable or long, just me shivering in the bath tub because the waters so shallow so I can't drown if I had a sezuire and because if I were to lay down is be stuck and couldn't get myself up as I'm so weak in my arms. 

It's the little things I miss the most. Like relaxing and de stressing in the bath tub 

Welcome to the world Lizzie.

Today I left a workplace  i've worked at  since I was 15/16. Standing on the watch counter, trying so hard to sell watches to the people that probably just wanted to try a Michael Kors on for the sake of having touched something Michael Kors, with the same excuse for not buying it;
''oh i'll wait till Christmas, I have no money till pay day''
''Oh i'm so skint at the moment, but it's nearly my birthday so i'll ask for one for that :)''

I then got made redundant because the counter was moving to the jewellery section, as we weren't ''selling enough''
This cause so much stress as I was only 16/17 when it happened.

You spend your whole working time thinking ''yeah I like this job, I get free watches, I meet people everyday, I'm still studying, I'm still selling watches and earning money.

I then moved to Oasis where I was so happy, selling clothes, getting discount, making friends and getting on with my life and still working in the same place, so I knew the layout, how bitchy it can be, how to treat the customers that talk to you like shit.


What do you do when you have something so life changing that just listening to someone talk about the company tires you to the point that you literally want to cry.


I've loved working in Fenwick and i've loved how the staff ( some) have treated me, but I need to get on with my life and leave the 'old me' behind. This is the next stage of my recovery.

I already feel the stress being released, being sucked out of me and taken off my shoulders.

Goodbye to the old Lizzie and welcome to the world to the 'new Lizzie'
your journey starts now.

I don't understand

I sit through endless hospital appointments and doctors talk at me, doctors that don't really know how to talk to me and haven't actually read through my notes to the point where I literally want to cry, it's all to much, it takes away my pain and fear of everything feeling like it's going to get better. 

How do you overcome the fear of feeling like your brain and body is eating you up slowly as well as trying to take in advice by different doctors for endless illnesses that aren't being checked regularly.

J'ust stop'

Please just stop, make them shut up and take the care of atleast trying to help me understand.

I honestly don't like this life, this life is so much more stressful and irritating, 

'What medication are you on elizabeth' 

Ummm... 'You do realise I have memory loss'

Don't treat me like I understand you, I've tried writing everything down in a notebook. 

I'm so sick of sitting in waiting rooms listening to other people making friends with everyone waiting aswell, it's so bad that when I stood up and a man who'd been talking so loud about his health went 

'See there's always someone much worse off than you' 

Thought the next 20minutes I had to sit through a doctor talking at me, thinking 'do I really look that bad?' 'Am I really that obviously unwell' I started to cry and the doctor looked so confused, I just had to explain that it happens and nod to everything he said to me from then on

A nurse said she saw me on the news and that I was doing so well, makes me feel so ill knowing the nurses know me as a regular visitor to their waiting room. 

The cry for help through the eyes of the elders

I braved the stroke ward walk through with Dan and succeeded after a panic attack at the doors, you need a nurse to let you out so I walked over to a nurse I was 'comfortable' around, a 'friendly face' you could say..

'Wow well don't you look better!' 

'Ha, thankyou!' 

Two older patients were sitting in their beds/bed side hospital chair, their names above them as if they were waiting to be 'picked up' I glimpsed quickly as I walked through, the lady too my rights head shot up and she just glared with a look of; helplessness and 'cry for help' in her eyes, The man to my left, with a 'Why me, get me out of here' look.

 I spent everyday in that stroke ward, watching people who loved and cared for me, pop in and out, some had travelled miles and some not as far. I saw faces I didn't recognise and faces I hadn't seen for years, I probably gave them 'the look' while I sat there unable to hold a conversation and making their trip to 'see me' pointless. The endless amounts of hugs I recieved and kisses to my cheek (the side I could feel) and amount of different people giving me the  

'You'll get there talk' I couldn't take it in or really process anything that was being said or listen to you without wanting too fall asleep. 

But To those who took the time effort and thoughtfulness to visit me on that ward I can promise you, it never went unnoticed or understood, you helped me get here today and you will always be the main part of my recovery, I'm sorry I couldn't give you the old me to chat to and give you loads of laughs and huge conversations to go back home and tell you're friends 'yeah she's doing really well' instead you got the worst stage of me, a stage where I was just like those older patients, the tears the cries the tight hugs that never wanted to let go and the sorrow ness that was in my eyes where I'd just want to walk out that ward with you. Dan looked at me 

'you're like a mini celeb in here' 

'Yeah but I'd rather not be babe'  

we laughed and came home. But I will never get the stares out of my head and will never let go of the sadness in their eyes. 

Intensive arm therapy & the stroke ward

So tomorrow I start a 6week course of intensive arm therapy, With the lady who taught me to; stand up, stopped me walking until I could walk without swinging my leg, taught me to walk upstairs and taught me how to bend & straighten my leg,
I'm so excited, this woman is amazing!!

I have to walk through the stroke ward to actually get to where it is, The gym that i'd be wheeled too every morning, half asleep dreading Physio crying my eyes out and thinking 'god get me out of here' passing the older people laying in their beds being fed through tubes and having their partner sitting next to their beds holding their hands, trying to comfort them but not knowing what to do,  I'm terrified, I walked through with my step dad to give back the wheelchair after about 5months, obviously the nurses all recognised me
''Oh my god look, look who it is!!!!''
''Lizzie look at you! you look amazing, hows things at home?!''
''We never get visitors! this is fantastic you're doing so well!''

Maybe because they only see the people that get bought to them unable to do anything, and sit there crying unable to stop, wondering why their brains had given up on them, (I did this daily) the first week I stayed in hospital on that ward I used to ring my nurses bell every 10minutes because i'd need someone to just hug me and tuck me in, I was unable to realise life doesn't stay like that;
 life gets 'easier' but it needs to be harder to get to that stage, you wont be the person you are at that stage; unable to sit yourself up because you're paralysed and your muscles had gone, unable to transfer to a toilet seat because you can't move your leg, unable to cut your food up, unable to smile without someone staring closely at your mouth because it's wonky, unable to go a day without crying, unable to see your hospital visitors without bursting into tears endlessly repeating; ''get me out of here, I don't like it, i'm scared, I hate my life, I wish it killed me, I want this to stop, I want to just sleep''
No wonder these people find it so hard, I would love to just sit there and tell them it wont be like it forever, they will get better, you just need to be strong and even though it's the hardest thing to even be right now you can do it, recovery is about your motivation, which unfortunately for me that part of my brain was destroyed 'burnt away' as I call it now, (mainly because the F.A.S.T advert shows her brain burning.
Too be honest I should tell myself all of the above but it's hard when you're stuck waiting patiently feeling jealous of everyone around you that can do all the stuff you want to do.
I hate that it mainly happens to older people, makes me want to just cry, (possible stroke side affect). But I can't and never want to imagine my nan or Granddad feeling how I do, and loosing 60 years of independence, feeling like it was pointless sitting there watching countdown or doing their weekly quiz clubs.
Turning into something they never thought they'd become, living the rest of their lives under examination and endless brain scans, wondering ''will it happen again'' The older people aren't as strong to get through it, their bodies are weaker and how they walk isn't taken into account as much as it was for me, ''because i'm young'' and ''have the rest of my life to walk'' That breaks my heart.
More than when I sit there feeling sorry for myself.

I remember talking to someone about strokes when I was in year 10 (I think) and saying
''apparently you smell burnt toast before you have a stroke!''
''oh my god that's crazy, I wonder why''
I laugh so much when I think of this conversation. I try so hard to remember who I had it with but what the actual fuck, was I drunk? was I mad? and too people that think this is true,
 No you don't.  You get severe pins and needles going through the side of your body thats slowly dying in your brain, You feel your mouth drooping and you can't move it because it's too stiff. You get a twitch in you arm and you can feel your shoulder slowly going to the floor ( for me, I was in bed so I could just feel it getting weaker and heavier to lift).



So yeah, luckily Dan's coming with me, because I was so scared to walk through the stroke ward again. But lets hope this physio can work some 'magic' on my arm.

it's all too much

I don't want to live like this forever, I can't live like this for the rest of my life, when does it stop, when do you even start feeling okay again;
when you can think normally?
when you can gi a day without being tired?
when you can swallow your sip of tea without tensing your throat so hard that it actually goes down?
when you can use both arms and cut your own food up?
or maybe when you realise your still alive & apparently normal. Mainly to yourself as well as other people.

I've had the 'Liz, you're doing so well, look how far you've come!' talk. so many times that I can just guess the next thing the person's gonna say so I literally just nod when they start off with that sentence


Everything becomes a test, When I say everything I genuinely mean it.
Like, I had an OT and Physio that would see me occasionally;setting goals, learning new ways of living, learning new ways of thinking, to be honest the list goes on but i've been thinking that i'm sitting an exam everyday for the past 9months.

''Liz, can you show me how you walk to the other side of the room?''

''Liz, were going to cook pasta on thursday'' ( I know how to cook, i'm not 4.)

''Liz, you have 5 hospital appointments this week, have you written them in your diary so you remember?''

''Liz, you need sleep, have you been sleeping okay?''

''Liz, have you been drinking enough water?''

''Liz, have you remembered to turn off your straighteners?''


I'm still alive i'm still sitting here so obviously i've remembered to do all of the things i've been tested on.

You know when you need a break and to just wanna get away from everything.
That's where I am now, I don't know if it's part of recovery at all. But too me it's the hardest bit.
It's the bit where you feel you need to find your 'new self' because you've spent months living under other people's rules, doing what people say, writing endless dates in my diary at times that i'd rather be sleeping, getting up early to drag myself to a hospital that makes me feel physically sick and scared when I set foot in.


I used to love just sitting in my room listening to my music, but I can't even carry my macbook to my room to listen to anything because it's too heavy, i'll just set that as a goal for someone to 'teach' me.
Another exam i'll sit sometime soon.

I remember the first time I used to be so dependant on other people, i'd just sit on the sofa staring out the window waiting for a face I recognised (my Physio) thinking ''finally someones come here to see me'' finally i'll be doing something for at least half an hour of my day.

It drags on, I actually get excited for Monday's because it means I can fill my days up (sometimes) and do stuff. The other day I nearly gave up on everything, packed a suitcase and attempted to move out, even though i'd get to the end of my road and breakdown because i'd probably realise i'm an absolute div.
Who needs to just get on with it and realise it's part of my life now, it's me and nothing can change it.

I miss you

I miss you brain,
I miss the endless nights I could sit and listen to conversations without feeling like every word that the person said was just going to a section of my brain that doesn't even take it in.
I miss sitting there and laughing when I wanted too, not uncontrollably to the point the person i'm with just looks at me because i'm laughing too the point where it looks like i'm faking it. It just comes,  like when someone tickles you, you can't stop, you just want to roll of and punch them in the face.


I have to literally tell myself what i'm looking at, so I can't look at a sign post without going ''thats a signpost'' obviously in my head.

I miss the days where I could plan a night out and be so excited for it that I felt the need to just go into town and buy a pair of heels even though I had enough (too many in fact)

I miss the days i'd wake up and regret ever choosing to work, because I felt too 'ill' or too 'tired' to stand there serving people all day, pretending I actually liked the outfit they'd picked and actually enjoyed waiting at the fitting rooms for the rude customer to leave and maybe buy the top that didn't even fit them.
When really I was always well enough to go in, it all seems clear now I was just ridiculously lazy because the night before i'd probably drank far too many vodka and coke's and walked home in my heels so much so that my feet ached and when i'd take them off i'd actually enjoy clicking my toes.

I miss the days where I could recognise a mate or someone I know, like ''oh hi you okay?'' now I have to physically think ''who the fuck was that?!'' and fake a smile because I don't remember them.


I'll try to remember memories, like the other day
''Liz do you remember the polar express? you loved it, we used to watch it every christmas''
''Nope, I don't, I don't remember any of it, It's just stored in the part of my brain thats never going to actually come back. But I still deal with the ''you never know what the future holds quotes and people telling me i'm lucky because i'm strong and able to walk. Yeah I can walk, not how i'd like too, not how I did before, You try having to turn on some stupid machine everytime you want to walk, even if it's too the toilet.
Have you ever got upset because you needed a wee so badly but you can't get there fast enough so you get upset and scared.


I hate every thing about what this stroke's done too me, i'll never like it. Obviously but going from a life of doing probably whatever you wanted too feeling under water and 12 again. Is so hard.


It's got to the stage where my mum needs to leave me notes of 'how to poach an egg'
'how to use the washing machine'
'how to light a fire'

Things i'd of done before without thinking
'how do you actually do that?!'


I'm at the Panic attack stage, where I had a mental breakdown on Friday to the point where I physically screamed in my mums face and couldn't stop crying, I want it too all end, I want this to just stop and some amazing brain surgeon to go 'we've found a magic pill that brings everything back'


''You'll get there Lizzie''
get where? fucking hell, where even is 'there' and what even is 'there'


''I can't understand you mum can you say that again please?''
'(understanding sigh)'

''Liz, you need to stop dwelling on the past''
okay yeah you try living a whole new life where your body wants you to do stuff, but your brains living the life on an 80 year old. Yeah thats well easy to stop doing, i'll click my fingers and forget all the memories I had before.


Ever tried trying on shoe's in a busy shop, everyone looking at you thinking 'why can't she do that on her own? why is her mum helping her try on that shoe?'
It got so bad yesterday I walked upstairs in Jack Wills and a girl stared at me I literally looked at her and went 'Stop fucking looking at me, cunt.'
And i've never been that rude, ever.

I get pushed and shoved in town and I get so angry.


I miss sitting in a class full of people and having a discussion of what their next project was going to be based on.
Or how they were gonna start their sketchbook.

I miss going to bed able to just fall asleep not panicking if i'm gonna have another stroke in my sleep. Waking up thinking that the last word I said to my mum was enough to make her understand how much I love her. What if I loose my voice next time if it happens again,
Will you remember how it sounded?
Would it ever come back?
Will life be harder?
Would I ever be independent?

I'm terrified of life, I see baby scans on Facebook and yesterday I was exhausted just sitting in the hairdressers that I was tempted to tell my mum she'll probably never be a grandma. I hate the fact that i'm 21 and already have to think about shit like that.

The most difficult blog post i've written

When I first came round after my stroke, 'woke up & realised what had happened'  I refused to look in any mirror if someone said ''Liz here you go you've got food on your face look!'' and wave a mirror at me i'd cry and refuse to look at myself, i'd literally just sit and try to deny that anything had happened too me.

For 3 months I just used too stare at the other patients feeling low and wanting to just walk out and walk home, obviously denying the fact I couldn't actually walk and i'd get to the end of the ward and probably die from being so exhausted.


It got to the week before I left hospital (when the no make-up selfies craze was around) and I decided to look in a mirror, I felt so crap and so scared but I wanted to just do my make-up, I honestly thought it would make me the person I was before, but obviously it didn't.
I was so happy when I managed to do my make-up, because I could actually leave the house looking okay-ish. And I knew it was possible with one hand,

So this is the first make-up selfie I took 3months after my stroke.
I've decided to put it next to a recent photo of me, to compare the face droop that I clearly had ( in the first photo) ( bottom of my blog)


I remember just moving the curtain round and a nurse literally looked at me and looked so shocked ''WOW Lizzie, you look beautiful!''

I just sat back in my bed and burst into tears looking at the photo and crying endlessly feeling like my face would be stuck like this forever. Luckily I can smile and it's only noticeable when i'm tired or upset (most of the time)


I don't know if I was more happy about the fact I could do my make-up or the fact I had looked in a mirror.



I didn't put make-up on again until I properly left hospital because thats when i'd get wheeled into Canterbury in my wheelchair.



The reason this blog post was the most difficult one to write is because I can remember the feeling I had inside when I first smiled 'properly' and the first time I looked into the mirror and actually managed to paint my face.
Too me, that was the start of my recovery.



Once again it took me until I realised and remembered how good Radio one actually was while sitting on my sofa to actually listen to music for the first time, I had a radio in my room and my ex would always come in asking to turn it on, but i'd just cry when he did feeling like absolute shit.
Now it's all I do, when I walk, when I feel down and when I feel myself getting angry.





To those who actually read these i've finished this one so you can relax, you no longer have to read my crappy recovery stories, until next time ;) gutted.

The realisation that it's much worse than you think

Everyday I wake up I always think 'oh you haven't had a stroke Liz man up and get on with it'
Until I struggle to get out of bed and get cramp in my leg.


I had a work meeting tonight from 5-7.

I was so excited, I mean i've never been that excited to set foot in work before. Dan dropped me off and walked me to the door. I was so scared, where the weather was so cold it made my leg so stiff and it's so much harder to walk. So please don't snow!!!
''good luck baby, you'll be fine''
I just walked in, head held high but so nervous. Walking through Fenwick's is so scary, the stares and people knowing whats happened to me, in my head all I can think is;
''oh look it's Lizzie'' and to those who I never spoke to ''she had a stroke''.
I hate it.

You know when you're trying so hard to do something so well, I did this while walking through, Because I don't want to look like this stroke's beating me but my leg was so stiff it kept getting stuck behind me.


Me Vicky and Shannon walked too the lift, and got out on the 3rd floor where we walked down the long coridoor to the board room.

''Hang on i've just got to take off my walking machine'' I just laughed and my manager looked so confused.
I laid it on the table.. (my FES machine) basically electric stimulation going from wires to two stickers stuck just below my left knee, it's such an odd sensation.. it's like a slender-tone everytime you move your leg.
and you have to just deal with the severe pins & needles.

Imagine trying your hardest to look confident knowing your slowly dying inside and you're so confused that you just wanna get up and walk out, the whole meeting was so hard for me.
''So we've done quite well this season but Christmas is coming so lets push the sales''
Everyone starts talking about the customers and how they serve people, me I just sit there awkwardly nodding my head thinking (god I wish I could join in with you guys, but.. what does it feel like to stand and work) because i've forgotten all I remember is being exhausted from the walking around all day and walking home and being so tired just getting into a warm hot bath to relax.


''Lizzie you don't need to answer this because obviously you haven't been at work''
I just smiled but inside wanted to cry,
''Yeah thats fine i'll help the others''

They had to write down how you'd approach customers and how you'd get the sales in, I kept trying to randomly say stuff but everyone was so engaged in their work conversations I decided to just sit back in my chair and silently laugh.


My head was slowly pounding and I was just thinking god i'm so tired I just want to go home, I can't go back to work not if I feel this tired after two hours of talking,
I've been so content with returning ''Liz you're not ready! you need to recover''
''oh mum shut up, i'm fine, I can walk I can just talk to customers!''

This meeting proved to me that my mum is ALWAYS right. (bitch) if I go back then I have to wait 6months, (oh the joys). My sofa is my new best friend, and 5:30 when my mum and step dad is heaven, just so I can talk to someone (obviously for the days i'm not with Dan)


Imagine you're stuck in a bubble and your heads telling you one thing but your bodies telling you the opposite, yep thats me.
I try to tell myself i'm fine, if you see me sometimes i'm completely sain , and other times i'm too tired to give a fuck, and when i'm at home i'm either getting angry or throwing a strop
''That's it! i'm fucking giving up I can't do this stroke shit anymore''


The meeting finished thank god because I was so tired,
''Hang on just gotta plug in my walking machine, wont be long :)''
my manager just went ''whats that?!'' oh it's just making my ankle move upwards because my brain doesn't tell it too without some form of help (bloody nuisance)

I didn't know if I was more excited to leave the meeting or to get home and just relax and eat.
We got the lift down and all walked to the till (Warehouse & Oasis) where my Sunday's were spent.

I said bye to them all and Shannon & Vicky were going my way so we walked to the exit together, My leg went so cold as i'd hit the door and the cold air got to me. I went all stiff and we all walked out seperate ways, On the way to Dan's car someone saw I was limping a bit (getting used to the FES and because it was freezing)
''What happened are you okay?!''
''yeah i'm fine don't worry I broke my leg two months ago but i'm fine thank you though :)''
''thats okay you look as if you're struggling''
my brain: (absolute knob, course i'm not i'm fine nothings even happened, look at me I can walk i'm smiling and i'm alive)
I've started to deny my stroke because i'm so sick of the ''oh my god but you're so young'' because it drives me mad. no ones too young for anything, I know 13 year olds that have had babies, their doing fine.


I waited outside spoons (local pre drinking pub where i'd go before my stroke) and regularly get a jug of Purple rain to myself, Not the best idea obviously...

I stood outside waiting for Dan getting stared at by the drinkers outside, I just stood there thinking ''god I just want to go in and get a vodka shot''


Dan picked me up and I just looked at him and cried ''How was it baby? what's wrong? talk to me''

I just kept crying ''Dan  I can't go back, I don't like the environment it's not good for me and it's stressed me out too much''
''Baby you don't have too just have a think, i'll come back to yours and we'll chat about it yeah?''

We went back to mine and I just explained the whole feeling of being in ''work'' and how it made me feel, after a cry I felt okay just worried and unsure on everything.


Imagine you want to do something so bad but you can't and it's not you that's telling you that you can't it's someone who's only known you since you had your accident (in my case stroke).
Therefor because you know they didn't know you before you think ''Nah i'm fine, I could do it before I could just stand there all day i'm fine! nothings even happened too me, whats everyone talking about?''


I'm now confused and so unsure about my career but one thing i've definitely learnt tonight is i'm not ready and I might not ever be, but i'm not letting this stroke beat me, I will work again, one arm or no bloody arm.

''stroke survivors this side please''....

Today I was lucky enough to train with Tom Balchin who created ARNI Physio and works with Andrew Marr (recent presenter whos had a stroke).

Me and mum turned up early, sat on a table, and I spoke to some physio who was going to be training us during the day, (stroke survivors not my mum).
Was a while until others turned up, with their leg swing walks and some in wheelchairs and drooped faces, hands and arms swinging down by their sides, I hated sitting in a room with so many people in my situation, mum could tell I was so nervous so she gave me my bottle of coke to calm down.

This lady started talking to me and my mum, the usual questions, ''whats your name? have you been here before? Tom's ever so good''
''what are your limitations?''
I kind of looked at her and thought ''is it not obvious?'' But i'm not that rude so I just replied in a scared and nervous voice;
''oh I can't use my arm or hand, I suffer really bad fatigue and memory problems'' She smiled and thank god carried on talking so I could just breathe and concentrate on trying to hide my nerves.
Then they slowly appeared, One at a time, All smiling at our table of 'stroke survivors' trying to hide their paralysed arms.

The lady said she was cold so I offered her my coat which she refused, which I was shocked about, cause she then complained she was still cold...

I kept smiling at everyone Tom Balchin came over and shook my hand asking my name and how far i'd travelled to get there.

More stroke survivors arrived, this time in wheelchairs, I was the youngest there which didn't help my nerves.


Tom then asked us to all stand opposite the Physio's so he could pair us up, I stood their trying to hide the fact my Clonus (leg getting tired and shaking unable to stop it) was so bad my whole body was shaking. I just held my head up and kept smiling at some Physio opposite me. I got two girls who were so lovely;
Annie and Carol (around my age)
We then sat down to do an assessment where we had to scale things we could & couldn't do 1-5 ( 5 being extremely difficult).
They asked me loads of questions about me, my stroke, my lifestyle. This is the first time i've spoken about it face to face with someone I just sighed and explained;
''Well I had a numb arm a month before my stroke and my face had started drooping I went to a&e but they told me it was a trapped nerve, I then went to sleep feeling really unwell knowing something wasn't quite right and woke up paralysed down my left side''
The Physio just looked at me and replied ''wow, how old?''
''20 but i'm 21 now :)''
''oh so you're a year into recovery?!''
''no, only 9 months :)''

Tom came over and read that I was asleep, he looked at me in shock ''blimey! so you couldn't even be thrombolised?!'' (getting rid of the blood clot within 4 hours of having a stroke)
I just looked at him and went ''well  shit happens aye, i'm still alive and thats the main thing :)''

''yes Lizzie you're right, just unfortunate you're so young'' (as if I don't hear that enough)


We started by walking to the matt, where all the unfortunate stroke survivors walked to (or were pushed to for those in wheelchairs) My first task was to get onto the floor & learn to get up again, I was so scared, i've tried so hard teaching myself because NHS Physio's don't actually see me anymore. But Annie literally taught me how to do it in 2minutes and after the first go I did it! I smiled so much, I literally looked so queer, She saw how happy I was and said she was proud of me :).

I didn't want to give up even though I was exhausted so we carried on training for 2 hours ( longest Physio session i've ever had) In this time I learnt how to; stretch my arm, Open my hand, squat, place my feet, balance on my left hand, Do leg exercises. Probably the best Physio session i've ever had!


After we'd all finished our training, we sat in a line opposite the Physio's each one of us having to say; who we'd been training with, what we'd learnt and some of us show what we'd learnt.
Okay so this lady who was 75, in a wheelchair and couldn't speak was with her husband, she'd learnt how to stand up alone, She showed us how she stood up and how to get up & down from the floor.
My heart sank, I literally had tears streaming down my face but tried to hold it in because I didn't want her thinking I was feeling sorry for her, when all I wanted to do was walk over help her up and hug her so tight all the pain would disapear.
The most inspiring thing to me was a 7year old boy who'd had a stroke at 5. And he was so happy, running around and being so cheery. Such an amazing little boy.

I never knew how much a stroke could actually affect someone until today, The swallowing, speech, confusion, memory problems, walking, Use of limbs, Fatigue Oh god the list goes on...

This broke my heart, two ladies talking about the operation they'd had to removed half their skull, My mum told me in the car that apparently if I hadn't recovered as well as I did in the first 24hours i'd of been sent to London to have this operation. Like, what the fuck. You never realise how lucky you are until you hear something like that.

My thought for the day is;
 to just make the most of what you have, enjoy life and live it to the full, party hard and be healthy oh and get your blood pressure checked to make sure you don't become a 'stroke survivor'. It's hard and will never end no matter how much I recover..

And whatever life throws at you, you can do it, nothing is impossible. You just need to stay as strong as you can.

Mission Acomplished

''Liz you could go tidy your room''


I literally shat myself because I haven't properly cleaned it for months, I mean emptied all the make-up i'd just buy because I thought I needed a new bronzer and the crap foundations that are nearly empty but end up in the; ''You'll probably need this soon'' draw. That to be honest never gets opened.

I also threw away some perfume my nan bless her thought i'd like but would end up being a toilet spray or a spray that when your room smells you'd spray to hide any random stench if your friends were coming round for a ''lets get ready before we go clubbing'' night. Yeah my house was always that house because I live so close to the clubs & taxi's would be cheaper from mine to The Cuban.

I spent probably a good 3hours cleaning, because it was an absolute shit hole. I changed the time on my clock that i've been waking up to thinking was correct for probably 4months now. ( doesn't help my confusion). I threw away old photos of me and people I don't talk to anymore clubbing because that probably didn't help me realise I can't do that every weekend anymore.

I also stuck up a ''unhelpful thinking habits page I received when I was in hospital and threw away every unwanted or needed hospital letter, making me realise how far i've come from everything and giving me at least three new places to put more crap that will just be hoarded and not cleaned for a while (my bad but everyone does it) don't even deny that if you read this...


Oh my god the best thing about all of this was teaching myself to light a candle and light a match with one hand nearly setting fire to a bag full of the hospital notes (luckily my house is still standing and the bags are in the big bin safe and not burnt) quite pleased about that to be honest.

I had a read through all the cards I received in hospital, finding old birthday cards from my work mates and old school photos nearly breaking down thinking ''can't I just go back'' (even though I hated school) You would if you went to Chaucer though...


I then got so tired I actually text Dan asking him to drive to mine and help me because I was so tired I got confused and forgot where I was..


I sat on my bed sorting out a folder labeled ''Lizzie's stroke notes''
Inside was full of things i'd had from hospital and lists of goals i've achieved one of them being ''learn to shower independently) I read two bits of paper that had things i'd done and how upsetting being stuck in hospital was, I just threw them away and thought ''meh been there done that''


I kept replaying music over and over, putting all my old heels into a box and hiding it so I don't have to see them looking at me and making me feel like crap after seeing everyone's ''yeah we went clubbing and got so drunk I get to spend all day in bed eating crap'' photos. who'd do the  ''hand on hip we're so attractive'' photo's (everyone does and I have) . Or ''lets pout until we look like a duck'' photo's, could go on forever...

I then found a drawing my dad had drawn on my oldest set of draws in my room which quoted:
''While Lizzie is in bed reading me a book before bed''
Can't remember the date but I must of been about 3/4.
That got to me most, as I should cherish the draw and fill it with the most important stuff, but nope it became a '' Unused make-up draw'' again.  ( sorry dad if you read this).


I find it so hard to get rid of stuff, like you might think it's easy, it's probably a side affect of my stroke, but I don't really know, I have like 5 bags that have bloody designer names on them, which I know for a fact I only kept because they have like; Chanel, Pandora, Tiffany & Co etc...' written on them, my mums always coming into my room grabbing them and just shaking her head saying 'Liz, really?' Makes me laugh because yes girls we see your Instagram photos of your bed but making sure you've squeezed a glimpse of a bag with some designer name written on it, hiding the Sainsbury's bag thats full of your rubbish in the corner. We've all done it, And I am guilty.


I remember being about 15/16 and getting people to write on my wall that led up to my room (when I was in the attic room, for people that came round mine before my stroke) my mum hated it. I know why now, the numerous signatures of different people and some of the gayest quotes like;
''Life might be hard but keep strong''  Or some crap that didn't make sense. This took about 6 coats of paint to cover over (god knows why I actually decided to do it).


All that remains on my walls now is sheets of paper that have my leg exercises next to my bed.

I have no idea why but I really wanted to change my sheets,  oh wait I know because like everyone states over twitter and stuff:
'' fresh bed sheets are so good''
Because they are, i've never actually changed my bed sheets with one hand and this time mum did help, BUT I did one pillow and i'm happy with that. Obviously my mum gave me the 'Liz for gods sake really?' look... then laughed at me and told me I make her laugh because I couldn't get the bottom sheet over the corner and did my regular '' Fuck this shit I give up'' quote said in anger ALWAYS.


I was so tired and confused that when my mum left my room I threw up in a bag atatched to my door, Dan just told me I need to rest and stop, so I did :)

So confused

Do you ever just get those days where you do something and you feel so confused after, like you feel as if anything anyone says to you wouldn't make you feel better, Or where you're waiting for someone to just put a hoover to your head and hope it will suck out your confusion.
I get this everyday, No matter what I do, no matter where I am it happens.
Too be honest it's happened a lot recently because i've just received abuse off people that used to be my best mates, i'm juggling trying to recover from a stroke to being told constantly that I don;t make any effort. Would you? if they didn't talk to you anymore. I got shouted at because I said that seeing them go out constantly and not invite me was stressful and upsetting me, ''How is that stressing you out Liz?!'' hmm... Oh and this continued onto twitter and then text messages, I found out it started because i'd un-followed them, because seeing all their ''yeah we're having a great time'' photos actually made me cry.


I can't stop feeling confused and stressed recently, everyday is a juggle between trying to do something that makes me smile and trying to recover from a really serious stroke, I don't know how you do it anymore, like I don't know how to stop feeling like this and all I get when I say it's how I feel is.. '' You wont be like this forever this is temporary you know''

You know what really hurt me the other day and it's the fact my dad text me for the first time in 2/3 months asking ''what's new'' not asking to see me or how I am.
well nothing's new accept I can go a day without falling asleep, I can now float in a swimming pool with someone holding my back. Oh and I taught myself how to make cheese on toast because my OT didn't turn up.
I lost my bank card and bus pass this week because I was so stressed about posting items i'd sold on Ebay and walking through town on my own. It was as if someone was kicking me constantly and laughing, I had to walk with my head down and try not to take in people's stares.

Feeling a connection

I know it's completely different and I honestly can't imagine being burnt or my house being on fire but I watched EastEnders earlier and literally feel how Kat felt aiming to leave the house and being so scared you just freeze and stand in a spot feeling so lost confused and as if everyone is talking about you.
When you have a stroke you can end up with serious disabilities, that could last your whole life of be temporary, I remember the first few times I was asked to go out and meet friends or just go for a walk somewhere with my Physio's I was so scared, terrified in fact, trying to push out all the stares and people just looking at you, I remember just hugging my physio after the first ever walk I did around my estate and just repeatedly saying ''why me? please just make this all stop, please just take me back to the days i'd be me and accepted''

It's a lot easier to leave the house now but you still get all the same worries, instead of looking in a mirror at how my make-up looks, I look to see if I look normal enough to be accepted. It's something that some people never gain or get back; confidence, and I was told it was one of the hardest things to get back after my stroke, but luckily I can leave the house without the crying and worrying of what others think.

The best day of my life so far...

Many more amazing days to come but my 9month stroke anniversary 100% smashed anything i've ever done.

I had my second radio interview with radio 5, They paid for me and Dan (my boyfriend) to get the train & a taxi to and from Canterbury to st Pancras and I was told i'd be given a tour around the BBC studios and radio one, As in my first interview I said i'd love to meet Greg James ( obvious reasons, girls should understand ;) ). When me and Dan got there the presenter started by doing my radio interview, it was me and Nikki Fox the lovliest lady i've ever met and a lady who's a trained stroke physio. As my physio's refused to be involved.
I was asked all the regular questions mainly about how I was getting on, as the interview is following four disabled people all learning to walk for different reasons. The presenter of my interview remembered how much I loved Tom Pearce from Towie (The only way is essex, for the old people that don't know the slang word for it). He got me a voice recording of Tom saying about how well i'm doing and how I should carry on watching the show, Honestly i've never smiled so much in my life.

After my interview me and Dan were shown all around the news rooms where they film; the weather, the news and gather all the news stories to broadcast.
We were then taken to Radio One, Greg James's presenter said he was too busy to meet on that day but said we will try to fit something in soon.... AHHHHHHH!!!

Mw and Dan were so amazed by everything, it was HUGE. All the live lounge was being set up. We did see Charlie Sloth but not gonna lie, He pisses me off so it didn't actually amaze me.

We then decided we were hungry so me and Dan got the tube to Holborn tube station, and decided we fancied Nando's, as I was feeling determined I said i'd walk to Covent Garden from Holborn tube station, it took a while but I was so up for just proving I can do it. I did make Dan go in MAC where I bought some mac up and bless him, made him stand and wait, But we did see a lady from HollyOaks, again, she's not interesting so we just let her walk out and carry on looking grumpy.
We then got a taxi to the train station as I was knackered and got the train home, hoping Dan didn't  have a ticket on his car. ( which he didn't)

The truth about it all..

So when you're in hospital they don't prepare you for the days you might go on a boat and try to walk across without falling over, They just prepare you for; washing yourself, feeding yourself, dealing and coping emotionally with whats actually happened to your body.


To be fair it was quite funny, but scary, I tried to walk to the toilet while the boat was moving but failed, My legs were all wobbly and I shut my only working hand in the toilet door. As well as being really sea sick, I did manage it. But they don't tell you stuff like '''oh by the way walking on a moving ferry or sitting on a plane gripping the seats hoping the height doesn't cause another stroke or explosion of blood clots in your brain again'' is whats to come, as well as feeling like life's going to be this way forever and emotionally dealing with people staring at you like you're not allowed to have a disability.
And the numerous amounts of people that honestly think saying ''well age is on your side'' is going to make you feel any better, ''oh yeah age is well on my side, I had a stroke at 20 so yeah age loves me!''

I try to hide how that comment makes me feel, but if only you knew how rude it feels and angry it makes me, just like 'well luckily  you're right handed!' Yep luckily, but honestly try putting leggings or a bra on with one hand. or fighting the fatigue on a daily basis wondering if the next conversation you're about to have will just shut your brain down to sleep mode where everything feels impossible.

another thing that really annoys me is ''You'll get there you're getting stronger everyday'' Yeah so strong that I still have to sit on a stool in the shower because my leg shakes so much if I stand for longer than 5minutes. Bloody love my left side. :)

''she had a stroke in february and needs to do something to get her back to uni''

So last night I went to look around Canterbury College, didn't go as well as I thought it would, we spent an hour being redirected around to different posts to talk to different people.
They wrote my name on a sticker and I stuck it on my chest.

I went there to talk about doing a nail course but all I got was;
''ahh I find it so interesting, The course will be harder but you need to do things you wanna do''

So yeah thanks, well helpful and not patronising at all.

I saw a board full of pictures and stuff i'd of done at my uni, I instantly sat down and asked if i'd be able to do it. unfortunately because I already have a BTEC Extended diploma in Art & Design which got me an unconditional offer into university they said i'm too 'over qualified' something I honestly never thought i'd hear. My mum even laughed when they said it. Shows you how unlikely and how shocking it was.
As we walked out I just needed to cry. My uni is right next door to the college (UCA) and I literally looked over and felt my heart drop, I'll never skip a day of uni again or say I hate it. Because truth is when somethings taken away from you, it makes you realise how much you actually enjoyed it.

So I sat in the car, and just cried, My mum held my hand and looked at me with the most caring look saying  ''It wont always be this way Liz, if Dan was here what would he say?'' I just laughed and smiled uncontrollably.

The only good thing that came out of visiting the college was a guy asking me if I was in Year 11. My mum laughed and was like ''well at least you still look young''


So I need to plan my next step of my recovery, because that was a huge fail.

Oh my god, are you okay?! what happened?

Yep thanks for pointing out I look as disabled and vulnerable as I feel, so kind of you.

I've had this question so many times, but what shocks me is its mainly from nurses, I'm sorry but I find it ridiculous stroke clearly  isn't shown enough as awareness so people prevent it from happening. Trust me if you lived with my 'new brain' you'd instantly quit smoking and go on blood thinners. But i suppose i'm only saying this because I live with the side affects everyday.

Made me laugh yesterday when the nurse asked me 'Are you okay? did it hurt?' ... oh and guess what came next;
''but you're so young, thats rare isn't it!''  too be honest, yes it is but when you've had a stroke you seem to find a whole community of ''apparently too young'' stroke survivors and people who's lives flashed before their eyes.

When people actually ask me 'what happened' I literally just go ''oh I had a stroke :)'' Because I could be so much worse off than I seem to; look, be and act. It's exactly the same as when people sarcastically smile at you in the street, may as well have a sign over my head that states what happened. You wouldn't ask someone in a wheel chair why their in one, would you? So why does having a slight limp and me holding my arm change the reason to ask openly and rudely ''whats happened'' And yes I would be ''okay'' if you stopped asking.

I watched the housewives or orange county the other day with my mum, and my god if they had a stroke, how would they cope? Honestly, it's like Kim Kardashian. It's all; money, shoes, partying and being famous.
The other day I got so frustrated that Patrick hasn't been on Eastenders in so long, Just because it's such a good way of raising awareness and actually weirdly makes me not feel alone in this strange world i'm living in.