Intensive arm therapy & the stroke ward

So tomorrow I start a 6week course of intensive arm therapy, With the lady who taught me to; stand up, stopped me walking until I could walk without swinging my leg, taught me to walk upstairs and taught me how to bend & straighten my leg,
I'm so excited, this woman is amazing!!

I have to walk through the stroke ward to actually get to where it is, The gym that i'd be wheeled too every morning, half asleep dreading Physio crying my eyes out and thinking 'god get me out of here' passing the older people laying in their beds being fed through tubes and having their partner sitting next to their beds holding their hands, trying to comfort them but not knowing what to do,  I'm terrified, I walked through with my step dad to give back the wheelchair after about 5months, obviously the nurses all recognised me
''Oh my god look, look who it is!!!!''
''Lizzie look at you! you look amazing, hows things at home?!''
''We never get visitors! this is fantastic you're doing so well!''

Maybe because they only see the people that get bought to them unable to do anything, and sit there crying unable to stop, wondering why their brains had given up on them, (I did this daily) the first week I stayed in hospital on that ward I used to ring my nurses bell every 10minutes because i'd need someone to just hug me and tuck me in, I was unable to realise life doesn't stay like that;
 life gets 'easier' but it needs to be harder to get to that stage, you wont be the person you are at that stage; unable to sit yourself up because you're paralysed and your muscles had gone, unable to transfer to a toilet seat because you can't move your leg, unable to cut your food up, unable to smile without someone staring closely at your mouth because it's wonky, unable to go a day without crying, unable to see your hospital visitors without bursting into tears endlessly repeating; ''get me out of here, I don't like it, i'm scared, I hate my life, I wish it killed me, I want this to stop, I want to just sleep''
No wonder these people find it so hard, I would love to just sit there and tell them it wont be like it forever, they will get better, you just need to be strong and even though it's the hardest thing to even be right now you can do it, recovery is about your motivation, which unfortunately for me that part of my brain was destroyed 'burnt away' as I call it now, (mainly because the F.A.S.T advert shows her brain burning.
Too be honest I should tell myself all of the above but it's hard when you're stuck waiting patiently feeling jealous of everyone around you that can do all the stuff you want to do.
I hate that it mainly happens to older people, makes me want to just cry, (possible stroke side affect). But I can't and never want to imagine my nan or Granddad feeling how I do, and loosing 60 years of independence, feeling like it was pointless sitting there watching countdown or doing their weekly quiz clubs.
Turning into something they never thought they'd become, living the rest of their lives under examination and endless brain scans, wondering ''will it happen again'' The older people aren't as strong to get through it, their bodies are weaker and how they walk isn't taken into account as much as it was for me, ''because i'm young'' and ''have the rest of my life to walk'' That breaks my heart.
More than when I sit there feeling sorry for myself.

I remember talking to someone about strokes when I was in year 10 (I think) and saying
''apparently you smell burnt toast before you have a stroke!''
''oh my god that's crazy, I wonder why''
I laugh so much when I think of this conversation. I try so hard to remember who I had it with but what the actual fuck, was I drunk? was I mad? and too people that think this is true,
 No you don't.  You get severe pins and needles going through the side of your body thats slowly dying in your brain, You feel your mouth drooping and you can't move it because it's too stiff. You get a twitch in you arm and you can feel your shoulder slowly going to the floor ( for me, I was in bed so I could just feel it getting weaker and heavier to lift).



So yeah, luckily Dan's coming with me, because I was so scared to walk through the stroke ward again. But lets hope this physio can work some 'magic' on my arm.