it's all too much

I don't want to live like this forever, I can't live like this for the rest of my life, when does it stop, when do you even start feeling okay again;
when you can think normally?
when you can gi a day without being tired?
when you can swallow your sip of tea without tensing your throat so hard that it actually goes down?
when you can use both arms and cut your own food up?
or maybe when you realise your still alive & apparently normal. Mainly to yourself as well as other people.

I've had the 'Liz, you're doing so well, look how far you've come!' talk. so many times that I can just guess the next thing the person's gonna say so I literally just nod when they start off with that sentence


Everything becomes a test, When I say everything I genuinely mean it.
Like, I had an OT and Physio that would see me occasionally;setting goals, learning new ways of living, learning new ways of thinking, to be honest the list goes on but i've been thinking that i'm sitting an exam everyday for the past 9months.

''Liz, can you show me how you walk to the other side of the room?''

''Liz, were going to cook pasta on thursday'' ( I know how to cook, i'm not 4.)

''Liz, you have 5 hospital appointments this week, have you written them in your diary so you remember?''

''Liz, you need sleep, have you been sleeping okay?''

''Liz, have you been drinking enough water?''

''Liz, have you remembered to turn off your straighteners?''


I'm still alive i'm still sitting here so obviously i've remembered to do all of the things i've been tested on.

You know when you need a break and to just wanna get away from everything.
That's where I am now, I don't know if it's part of recovery at all. But too me it's the hardest bit.
It's the bit where you feel you need to find your 'new self' because you've spent months living under other people's rules, doing what people say, writing endless dates in my diary at times that i'd rather be sleeping, getting up early to drag myself to a hospital that makes me feel physically sick and scared when I set foot in.


I used to love just sitting in my room listening to my music, but I can't even carry my macbook to my room to listen to anything because it's too heavy, i'll just set that as a goal for someone to 'teach' me.
Another exam i'll sit sometime soon.

I remember the first time I used to be so dependant on other people, i'd just sit on the sofa staring out the window waiting for a face I recognised (my Physio) thinking ''finally someones come here to see me'' finally i'll be doing something for at least half an hour of my day.

It drags on, I actually get excited for Monday's because it means I can fill my days up (sometimes) and do stuff. The other day I nearly gave up on everything, packed a suitcase and attempted to move out, even though i'd get to the end of my road and breakdown because i'd probably realise i'm an absolute div.
Who needs to just get on with it and realise it's part of my life now, it's me and nothing can change it.