The realisation that it's much worse than you think

Everyday I wake up I always think 'oh you haven't had a stroke Liz man up and get on with it'
Until I struggle to get out of bed and get cramp in my leg.


I had a work meeting tonight from 5-7.

I was so excited, I mean i've never been that excited to set foot in work before. Dan dropped me off and walked me to the door. I was so scared, where the weather was so cold it made my leg so stiff and it's so much harder to walk. So please don't snow!!!
''good luck baby, you'll be fine''
I just walked in, head held high but so nervous. Walking through Fenwick's is so scary, the stares and people knowing whats happened to me, in my head all I can think is;
''oh look it's Lizzie'' and to those who I never spoke to ''she had a stroke''.
I hate it.

You know when you're trying so hard to do something so well, I did this while walking through, Because I don't want to look like this stroke's beating me but my leg was so stiff it kept getting stuck behind me.


Me Vicky and Shannon walked too the lift, and got out on the 3rd floor where we walked down the long coridoor to the board room.

''Hang on i've just got to take off my walking machine'' I just laughed and my manager looked so confused.
I laid it on the table.. (my FES machine) basically electric stimulation going from wires to two stickers stuck just below my left knee, it's such an odd sensation.. it's like a slender-tone everytime you move your leg.
and you have to just deal with the severe pins & needles.

Imagine trying your hardest to look confident knowing your slowly dying inside and you're so confused that you just wanna get up and walk out, the whole meeting was so hard for me.
''So we've done quite well this season but Christmas is coming so lets push the sales''
Everyone starts talking about the customers and how they serve people, me I just sit there awkwardly nodding my head thinking (god I wish I could join in with you guys, but.. what does it feel like to stand and work) because i've forgotten all I remember is being exhausted from the walking around all day and walking home and being so tired just getting into a warm hot bath to relax.


''Lizzie you don't need to answer this because obviously you haven't been at work''
I just smiled but inside wanted to cry,
''Yeah thats fine i'll help the others''

They had to write down how you'd approach customers and how you'd get the sales in, I kept trying to randomly say stuff but everyone was so engaged in their work conversations I decided to just sit back in my chair and silently laugh.


My head was slowly pounding and I was just thinking god i'm so tired I just want to go home, I can't go back to work not if I feel this tired after two hours of talking,
I've been so content with returning ''Liz you're not ready! you need to recover''
''oh mum shut up, i'm fine, I can walk I can just talk to customers!''

This meeting proved to me that my mum is ALWAYS right. (bitch) if I go back then I have to wait 6months, (oh the joys). My sofa is my new best friend, and 5:30 when my mum and step dad is heaven, just so I can talk to someone (obviously for the days i'm not with Dan)


Imagine you're stuck in a bubble and your heads telling you one thing but your bodies telling you the opposite, yep thats me.
I try to tell myself i'm fine, if you see me sometimes i'm completely sain , and other times i'm too tired to give a fuck, and when i'm at home i'm either getting angry or throwing a strop
''That's it! i'm fucking giving up I can't do this stroke shit anymore''


The meeting finished thank god because I was so tired,
''Hang on just gotta plug in my walking machine, wont be long :)''
my manager just went ''whats that?!'' oh it's just making my ankle move upwards because my brain doesn't tell it too without some form of help (bloody nuisance)

I didn't know if I was more excited to leave the meeting or to get home and just relax and eat.
We got the lift down and all walked to the till (Warehouse & Oasis) where my Sunday's were spent.

I said bye to them all and Shannon & Vicky were going my way so we walked to the exit together, My leg went so cold as i'd hit the door and the cold air got to me. I went all stiff and we all walked out seperate ways, On the way to Dan's car someone saw I was limping a bit (getting used to the FES and because it was freezing)
''What happened are you okay?!''
''yeah i'm fine don't worry I broke my leg two months ago but i'm fine thank you though :)''
''thats okay you look as if you're struggling''
my brain: (absolute knob, course i'm not i'm fine nothings even happened, look at me I can walk i'm smiling and i'm alive)
I've started to deny my stroke because i'm so sick of the ''oh my god but you're so young'' because it drives me mad. no ones too young for anything, I know 13 year olds that have had babies, their doing fine.


I waited outside spoons (local pre drinking pub where i'd go before my stroke) and regularly get a jug of Purple rain to myself, Not the best idea obviously...

I stood outside waiting for Dan getting stared at by the drinkers outside, I just stood there thinking ''god I just want to go in and get a vodka shot''


Dan picked me up and I just looked at him and cried ''How was it baby? what's wrong? talk to me''

I just kept crying ''Dan  I can't go back, I don't like the environment it's not good for me and it's stressed me out too much''
''Baby you don't have too just have a think, i'll come back to yours and we'll chat about it yeah?''

We went back to mine and I just explained the whole feeling of being in ''work'' and how it made me feel, after a cry I felt okay just worried and unsure on everything.


Imagine you want to do something so bad but you can't and it's not you that's telling you that you can't it's someone who's only known you since you had your accident (in my case stroke).
Therefor because you know they didn't know you before you think ''Nah i'm fine, I could do it before I could just stand there all day i'm fine! nothings even happened too me, whats everyone talking about?''


I'm now confused and so unsure about my career but one thing i've definitely learnt tonight is i'm not ready and I might not ever be, but i'm not letting this stroke beat me, I will work again, one arm or no bloody arm.