I miss you

I miss you brain,
I miss the endless nights I could sit and listen to conversations without feeling like every word that the person said was just going to a section of my brain that doesn't even take it in.
I miss sitting there and laughing when I wanted too, not uncontrollably to the point the person i'm with just looks at me because i'm laughing too the point where it looks like i'm faking it. It just comes,  like when someone tickles you, you can't stop, you just want to roll of and punch them in the face.


I have to literally tell myself what i'm looking at, so I can't look at a sign post without going ''thats a signpost'' obviously in my head.

I miss the days where I could plan a night out and be so excited for it that I felt the need to just go into town and buy a pair of heels even though I had enough (too many in fact)

I miss the days i'd wake up and regret ever choosing to work, because I felt too 'ill' or too 'tired' to stand there serving people all day, pretending I actually liked the outfit they'd picked and actually enjoyed waiting at the fitting rooms for the rude customer to leave and maybe buy the top that didn't even fit them.
When really I was always well enough to go in, it all seems clear now I was just ridiculously lazy because the night before i'd probably drank far too many vodka and coke's and walked home in my heels so much so that my feet ached and when i'd take them off i'd actually enjoy clicking my toes.

I miss the days where I could recognise a mate or someone I know, like ''oh hi you okay?'' now I have to physically think ''who the fuck was that?!'' and fake a smile because I don't remember them.


I'll try to remember memories, like the other day
''Liz do you remember the polar express? you loved it, we used to watch it every christmas''
''Nope, I don't, I don't remember any of it, It's just stored in the part of my brain thats never going to actually come back. But I still deal with the ''you never know what the future holds quotes and people telling me i'm lucky because i'm strong and able to walk. Yeah I can walk, not how i'd like too, not how I did before, You try having to turn on some stupid machine everytime you want to walk, even if it's too the toilet.
Have you ever got upset because you needed a wee so badly but you can't get there fast enough so you get upset and scared.


I hate every thing about what this stroke's done too me, i'll never like it. Obviously but going from a life of doing probably whatever you wanted too feeling under water and 12 again. Is so hard.


It's got to the stage where my mum needs to leave me notes of 'how to poach an egg'
'how to use the washing machine'
'how to light a fire'

Things i'd of done before without thinking
'how do you actually do that?!'


I'm at the Panic attack stage, where I had a mental breakdown on Friday to the point where I physically screamed in my mums face and couldn't stop crying, I want it too all end, I want this to just stop and some amazing brain surgeon to go 'we've found a magic pill that brings everything back'


''You'll get there Lizzie''
get where? fucking hell, where even is 'there' and what even is 'there'


''I can't understand you mum can you say that again please?''
'(understanding sigh)'

''Liz, you need to stop dwelling on the past''
okay yeah you try living a whole new life where your body wants you to do stuff, but your brains living the life on an 80 year old. Yeah thats well easy to stop doing, i'll click my fingers and forget all the memories I had before.


Ever tried trying on shoe's in a busy shop, everyone looking at you thinking 'why can't she do that on her own? why is her mum helping her try on that shoe?'
It got so bad yesterday I walked upstairs in Jack Wills and a girl stared at me I literally looked at her and went 'Stop fucking looking at me, cunt.'
And i've never been that rude, ever.

I get pushed and shoved in town and I get so angry.


I miss sitting in a class full of people and having a discussion of what their next project was going to be based on.
Or how they were gonna start their sketchbook.

I miss going to bed able to just fall asleep not panicking if i'm gonna have another stroke in my sleep. Waking up thinking that the last word I said to my mum was enough to make her understand how much I love her. What if I loose my voice next time if it happens again,
Will you remember how it sounded?
Would it ever come back?
Will life be harder?
Would I ever be independent?

I'm terrified of life, I see baby scans on Facebook and yesterday I was exhausted just sitting in the hairdressers that I was tempted to tell my mum she'll probably never be a grandma. I hate the fact that i'm 21 and already have to think about shit like that.