Comparisons but achievements

It's hard enough dealing with not being able to work or go to university without needing support 

But if I didn't have the disabilities life would be so much more enjoyable.. 

I find myself gazing out of windows trying to test my brain to remember random stuff; trees, people's clothes, shop names, conversations and so on... 

I'm actually terrified of life and how it'll work out; can I have kids? Can I work again? Can I spend a year without any reminders of my body letting me down? 

I spend my free time ringing numerous sections in the hospital; 

hello I'm just ringing to see when my next appointment is... 

'Hello my leg splints really hurting and I need it checked' ...

I have no clue where my life will take me and I hate mysteries, I hate the whole

'Just go with the flow' saying because I struggle with everything I need to succeed in to continue living my life... 

My life's an exam;

Can you walk to the end of the room?

Can you cook yourself lunch?

Are you able to make your own way there?

Can you ring me next week to follow our arrangement?

Did you do your tablets liz?

At first it was the revision phase,

Learning to stand and then walk, learning how to place my leg 'the right way' learning how to concentrate and talk to people...

You continue to practice and 'revise' what you've learnt, in order to pass the exams life throws at you later on in your ridiculously long recovery...

Can it just stop now? Can I throw out the numerous bits of paper covered in 

'STROKE' reminding me of what I 'survived' 'how far I've come' 

I went to the stroke ward on Monday to chat to my old physio and walked into the section that the acute patients go- just admitted and being examined place... 

Only because that's the part the physio was In... 

The faces and dark curtains pulled round with the blood lady making her travels round taking blood from the patients ,

I looked down but saw the physio and looked up I smiled at an old man who was in the dull blue hospital chairs the visitors sit in.. 

He smiled back, it felt like we knew we had a connection, his smile lower on one side but his eyes lighting up after one smile was recieved.

As I walked out I put my head down because the sight isn't pleasant, I want to cry, I want to just pick the patients up and take them home.. 

I come out so happy just thinking 

'Yeah I've overcome the revision phase in walking where I once cried whilst being pushed in my wheelchair wishing I could walk it..'

'Yeah I'm past that, past the early mornings of physio and struggles of talking to people'

'I'm past the sad part the part where everyone is stuck and in shock from what's happened to a perfectly normal busy and happy young lady'

'I'm past the stages of wondering if I'll ever smile and mean it days'

I dream of how far I've come and how much I've overcome 

For such a lazy person im quite impressed.. 

I have dreams that I'm running upstairs and using both hands, I have visions of my hand coming back one day randomly...

'It's like training for a marathon lizzie, you'll get there but it's going to be hard'

Now I understand it and respect the saying... 

and almost appreciate the 'warning'...

The exams are hard but the revisions harder; building up enough stamina for something you never know you'll get back, is it worth it? 

Yes. 

You don't see the hidden sides

When I first had my stroke I literally didn't believe it not because I wished it hadn't happened but because you don't think that what you're suffering with is a stroke 

You see the signs from the advert; face droop and arm weakness but not the physical emotional or memory problems... 

To be fair it'd be a really long advert if they showed everything you'd suffer with... 

I never thought strokes could paralyse you nor did I think they could make you so bloody tired sometimes to tired to talk 

So if someone you know suffers a major stroke or probably a mini stroke remember to just treat them normal and not look at them any different.. 

They'll cry and be tired and don't remind them of the past because that's when they'll start wishing they could get it back 

'You remember that time when'..

They won't for a while... 

Sorry what was I talking about?

I get the reaction 

'Your speech is so good was it affected?'

I mean it was but only because the tone changed; I'm quieter, talk slower and need to think about my words and sometimes mix words up.. 

'Dan I really want to go to the beach this summer'

(I then stare out the window at a bush, don't know why)

'Yeah can we go to the bush this summer?'

Sounds funny and we laughed but it can get annoying because I know how to process words I just get jumbled up but when you don't realise you've made the mistake it's embarrasing... 

Once I said 'realia' because me and Dan had said a word that ends in 'lia' 

I honestly didn't realise for about 20 minutes.. 

I don't know how to explain when you forget what you were talking about but I can spend hours talking and they'll say something and I'll think of what to say next but I'll forget what the conversation was about... 

Not all the effects that they show on the advert happen.. 

I slur my speech at times and people look at me abit confused but I just repeat it and ignore the slur... 

I have to plan what my next conversation with someone might be about and physically think of words to say.. 

'Babe is this a word..'

Wondering if words i'd of used everyday before are actually words than 'normal' people use.. 

Something new..

'Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear'

Today was my first session of counselling since my psychologist left..

'Are you okay? Have you hurt your arm?'

'Oh no I'm okay I had a stroke but I'm fine'

And the session started... 

It felt so nice to talk to someone I didn't know about how I feel and 'deal' with stuff and what I want to work on overcoming; my anxiety...

I knew he was scared to ask about my stroke as I could see it in his face when he would refer back to it... 

'Mum why was that man staring at me?'

'He worked on Kingston ward (stroke ward)' 

Okay...

This is what it's like to loose your vision

On Tuesday morning I went to a stroke confrence for many reasons, it made me realise how fortunate I am to still be alive and still; talk, walk, see, think, eat ...

We had to introduce ourselves at first as the tables of; volunteers, stroke survivors,  physio's,occupational therapists... 

As time went around I slowly waited for my turn feeling anxious but happy to share my story

we had to tell everyone our age name story and why we volunteer for the stroke association... 

'Hello I'm really nervous so I might say Urm a lot sorry, my names elizabeth or 'lizzie' (nervous giggle) I suffered a stroke last February when I was 20 my goal has always been to beat it and walk again, so I walked for the stroke association on Sunday raising over £1000' 

(My audience)

WOW...  

I recieved so many looks, but all good looks because I was accepted and appreciated, not because of who I am but because of how I've been so brave and determined.. 

Lunch came and we got the chance to 'talk to others' 

The nicest guy came and spoke to me asking me questions about my stroke and how I manage to be so 'happy and cheery' he'd had his stroke or hemmorage 6 years ago, he has lost his peripheral vision (all the right side of vision and a line through his left eye).. Unable to walk without walking into doors and having to turn his head to physically see what was on his right hand side... 

http://www.m.webmd.boots.com/a-to-z-guides/eye-health-low-vision

Later on we were given glasses to 'imagine' how it feels to of lost your vision in various ways a stroke survivor could of... 

I put these glasses on that demonstrate how Andrew sees the world, I wanted to cry, just because of how hard life must be; I had to turn my head to look to the right and I could only hear voices, not knowing who was there not realising how difficult everyday life must be... 

I may suffer from confusion and struggle with memory but; 

This made me appreciate how lucky I am and how I survived a stroke and didn't loose my vision, I appreciate my vision as much as my ability to walk now... 

I won't let you beat me.

Dear stroke;

I won't let you take my whole experience of life away nor will I let you ruin the second chance I've been given..

You may of taken some of my brain but I still have the other half;

You tried to convince me I wasn't 'normal' but turns out no one is.. Everyone's different;

Could be from an illness or loosing a loved one, everyone's dealt with problems. Sometimes just not doing there makeup right can make someone feel not 'normal'

I've learnt there is no normal life to live... 

I've had so many ups and downs but you're finally making me more confident to realise that they don't last forever and I'm happy.

I may take loads of tablets a day but it's to prevent you ever coming back, you're the 'nasty bully' that you'd get at every school..

I found it hard to conquer my fears at first and thought of ending my life because of what you did to me my family and my life but this time I'm leaving it behind me, you're not that strong. 

I may walk funny and have a 'dodgy arm' but it's my body and I'll live with it, things could be worse.. 

I can walk & talk and shop I have plans for MY future not yours.. 

I have people that care about me supporting me, not you.

Just don't forget I won this battle not you.. 

So nice try stroke. 

I thought about stopping my blog after walking my 10k but was convinced otherwise as it gives me a mindset to carry on.. And the paperwork showing me how far I've come Is taking over my house.

I thought I'd struggle the day after my walk as Dan says; 'you always ache the day after a good work out'.. But I'm fine, I'm walking home from the hospital today something that last year I couldn't do. 

I won't let it beat me, nor will I fall for its shitty set backs, I walked the 10k for me and to prevent a stroke happening to anyone else by raising over £1000. 

So fuck you stroke I did it. My marathon is done. 

But I'm not. 

My time to reflect...

Since writing my scrapbook and starting from day one of what I can remember from day one of my stroke..

I've had a chance to reflect on how far I've; mentally, physically and emotionally progressed.. 

From just being able to balance on a toilet to have a piss.. 

To learning how to shower and even learn how to cope with being surrounded by elders, one woman who was in my old 'section' on the stroke ward, who horribly but only because at times it was quite funny me and mum would laugh at;

All day & night; 'ARTHUR WHERE ARE YOU' 

Calling for her husband who had actually died a few years before.. 

To the point where she tried to walk to him and just fell out of bed.. 

I actually feel horrible laughing but it was the only thing keeping my spirits up. 

My scrapbook is building my memory and physically reminding me how life can change; some pages have tear drops from how much it's bringing back.. And remembering how unstable I was; how many machines were attatched to me keeping me alive. 

Sounds stupid but it's like a diary, no one will understand unless they read it; everything I felt, saw and cried over are in this book.. 

If I had a child I don't know if I'd even show them.. 

I'd just protect them from having a stroke. 

Preparing for my future

The other day I bought a sketchbook that I'm starting as a 'scrapbook' to write and draw all the early stages of my recovery till the newest memories; who's been there, my story, my blog posts, my plans, my goals, who decided to leave me when  everything was tough, what it feels like, drawn images of how my brain feels (all the confusion, struggles, stress and many more...) 

As I've decided I'm returning to uni. I decided now was a good time to start the scrapbook, my last attempt was a fail as I wasn't recovered enough to properly write everything down.. I'd cry & just find everything to hard to remember.. 

It's helping me move on from the stroke & focus on my future and new goals.. 

It'll be something to reflect on for when I feel down and something to show people if they ask... 

I'd forgotten how good it feels to open a sketchbook and plan the; colours, typography, text and images you're going to use... 

But when I started it, it all came back.. 

'Liz maybe you should start by drawing stuff'

Mainly words said by people who never believed i would  return to the same uni course.. So now I'll prove you wrong. 

After looking around my uni recently and seeing a few posters someone in my old class had done about his autism, made me really think about how I could turn my stroke into some form of art and help me progress and if I keep adding to the scrapbook I'll potentially have a sketchbook filled for it (one less stress) 

So this is the start of my closure and start of focusing on how far I've come since day one.. 

'Listen to me, you'll be fine please just breath'

Today on my way to my hospital appointment that I struggled to get rid of my anxiety to actually attend,

The same guy I used to see pushing his wife to a from the hospital in a wheelchair, the same guy that I wrote a blog post about being a carer on..

Ages ago now,

Was walking behind me..

Without his wife, 

I stopped to cross the road and turned to notice him gripping a lamp post and struggling to breath..

You know the look you give when you grab your stomach but look up and get all sweaty..

After a pe teacher would make you participate in sports day runs.. 

I walked towards him knowing full well I couldn't help him but feeling confident enough to talk to him.

'Sorry but are you okay?'

'Yes love im fine, you worry about yourself'

(Now I know what that saying really means.. 'No I'm really fucking struggling  please take it away)

He had a tube in his pocket that he put up his nostrils and started to breath slowly through it..

You can't ask what it's for because that's rude and inconsiderate but you worry.. 

I smiled and gripped his atm as he sat down on the wall at the top of my road.

I've always been taught never to talk to strangers but when it's someone who looks unable to breath I think it's acceptable 

He was ready to stand up but was wobbly and told me to carry on with my day.. 

'Are you okay?'

'Yes I've just having a moment, it's regular I'll be fine'

Do you trust a stranger enough to leave them in that position or do you call an ambulance

I think the tubes proved he was struggling with an illness he knew how to deal with 

So I waddled off. Slowly..

I cried on the bus struggling to stop thinking about someone I don't even know the name of? 

'It's like we've had to decide on life'

The hardest thing about a stroke isn't the fact you become so dependent on others I'd say it's the fact that because I'm so young I've now got to reconsider everything I ever thought was settled and my future.. 

How can you forgive yourself for doing that to you? 

''It's like I've had to grow up too fast'' 

You learn new skills and learn how to be different but it's not as easy as  if you were without the limitations.. 

''You'll look back years from now and be completely different''

Something like this can't be forgotten though... 

The worry of not knowing if anything you do is 'the right way' 

'Did I say that right?' 

'Did that make sense babe?'

'Is that actually a word'

'How do you do that?' 

'How does it feel to be normal and understand things'

'How do you jump?'

'Baby can you teach me how to run...'

All answered with a look of confusion and 'why ask such sole destroying questions'

But yet all to be answered with the same thing..

'It'll only get better, trust me'

Or, 

'Lizzie stop'

I've recognised that life's important and shouldn't be wasted on stupid thoughts, 

But it's so hard;

You dream of moving that part of your body that isn't co operating 

You think about how life could be different if it never happened 

You question why you didn't stop it

You fight everyday to survive but feel like you're failing

The tablets are saving you but so horrible to physically swallow.. 

'Don't give up Lizzie please don't'

I think this everyday, every morning night and moment I'm aiming to do something new, but it's never new.. 

In my life before I've done it.. Just differently

You daydream thinking of how you can stop these thoughts but I know every stroke survivor thinks and feels it.. 

We're all different but deep down exactly the same.  In our own way.. 

Trying to get back a life that we thought was 'the best life' forgetting the bad memories & moments of sadness or distress.

But we crave it all back, just to feel normal. Weird...

But true 

You learn to adapt

Recently I've learnt to just adapt to everything, not that I should because I need to recover more to 'look & be normal' apparently.. 

I read somewhere that when you speak to most stroke survivors they've become so adapted to the disabilities they've been left with that it almost stops them trying to recover to how they were, they become comfortable' 

I know I'll never recover fully because no one does, unless you've only had a 'Tia- mini stroke) something that warns you that you're probably close to suffering a major stroke.. 

I've learnt how to cook with one hand, how to walk around my house with my wonky leg and ankle, how to shower with one hand & how to get dressed.. 

Nothing takes as long anymore, my confidence has risen so much within the past 6months and I'm much more confident than I ever was before my stroke. So that's another good sign..

I've learnt to just let the people staring at my hand and leg stare, to the point where I just stick my nose up and give them the dirtiest look 'evils' ..

Tends to work and I've not been beaten up, 

Yet. 

You realise what you can and can't do pretty much everyday;

Today I tried to walk up the stairs skipping a step ( never tried this) but I felt pretty confident.. 

My knee gave way & my leg went wobbly, so I stopped.. 

'No Lizzie you can't do that again'

My spasticity in my hand is so bad that my arm will still stick out as if I'm bending my arm to point at something.. 

But I'm used to that, 

I never thought any of this would feel so normal to me, Infact I'd  cry everyday thinking about how damaged my body was and how my limitations are but I feel stronger in myself and happier to just hold my head high and walk as if I'm 'normal'

'You are normal baby end of'

But I'm not am I.. Not to those people who said they'd stay in my new life or those who stare at me as if I'm green or something.. 

I've been called; a spastic, annoying, weird, an attention seeker, a cripple, a freak and so much more 

But there people who aren't worth it 

I'm living with my adaptions and I'm happy so don't put me down..

Happy mothers day mum

Firstly this isn't the only present you're getting, so don't be dissapointed..

But I just wanted to remind you (not that you probably want too be reminded of it) but how, my first visit out of hospital was on mothers day to go to a resturant ( can't remember the name) to eat something other than hospital food and to try to build my confidence.
I'd never been so scared of going to the outside world, nor have I been so scared to see other humans..
Mainly because of how I was; (in a wheelchair, always yawning, crying at random shit, unable to walk...) list goes on but I can't be bothered to write it..

I literally aimed to buy you such a nice present but was so dissapointed in myself more than anyone because I couldn't wander into town to choose a present but thankfully Jo helped me pick you out a pandora bracelet ( thankyou)

You've always been the most important person in my life and some people have lost a mum or never had one to give them the support they need to succeed in life, so i'm lucky in the sense that you've never left my side, no matter how many arguements we've had, how many times i've called you a c*** told you to fuck off, or physically screamed in your face. No one deserves to be treated so badly especially when all they've ever done is care for that person, so secondly i'm sorry..

You've been a carer since day one pretty much..
Through every illness i've got and been diagnosed with, sitting next to me through every breakup i've had and reminding me life goes on, you've held my hand every-time i'd be called fat from taking my steroids to make my kidneys work. At the time I never thought they'd help, but they did..

You've sat through numerous hospital appointments with me, while random doctors tell me how to look after myself, you've basically taken on the role of a mum & dad when you and my dad split up, making sure that whatever I wanted I got.. (within reason)

you've let all my old mates come into our home & drink too much, get ready, get too drunk & listen to really bad music while we get ready to go on a night-out. So bad to the point I fell down the stairs before leaving the house..
so thank you for your hospitality, and putting up with my annoying teenage years that luckily i've outgrown.

Everyday I spent in that hospital recovering you'd visit me before & after work making sure I was clean & happy ( very rare)
I still remember the tears you cried when the paramedicas confirmed it was a stroke & how you still managed to grab my working hand and tell me everything was going to be okay

''you're my brave and beautiful girl lizzie, just stay strong baby girl''


the times you'd come in with calendars making sure I had visitors & wasn't alone.

washing my clothes so I could still smell the scent of home & feel comfortable, even though I couldn't move.

Thank you for taking on the role of a carer & letting your house be adapted so I can move back in, Thank you for not shouting when; i'd smash glasses or burnt your carpet with my straighteners, or blow up your microwave..

You still stick by me through all of that and no one else ever will so I just want to say Happy proper mothers day, i'm now able to hug you and walk to buy you a NICE present this year; pick out a mothers day card I wanted you to have and function properly to recognise how amazing you are..

You beat cancer & are my inspiration to carry on. Thank you for giving me the biggest gift of all; Life.

Thankyou stroke

Thankyou for giving me the gift of life and all the realisations that my life before was to stressful & unhealthy to live, you've taught me how to enjoy life and feel comfortable in my own skin, taught me how to appreciate everything small but treat it as if it's like payday, you've given me a break; free of charge as I didn't have to fly to a new destination to just sit back chill relax and reflect on everything; from friends to my working life & education, you've been tough to overcome And I'm not even half way there but I know this time next year I will be in an even better place, hopefully stronger & happier, because you've given me a stronger attitude & mind, which can only gain more strength.. 

I have ups and downs whoever doesn't wouldn't be normal 

'It's healthy to argue' you learn to appreciate things more and get a chance to feel like you're either making the right or wrong decision. 

So Thankyou stroke for opening my eyes to realise life gets better & you can only go uphill not down. 

I guess you're here to stay...

I honestly felt so normal; walking around a shopping centre that I last visited when I was in a wheelchair, I remember being so cautious of people staring at me and how half the shops I loved. I couldn't bare to be in, they were to intimidating for my ruined brain.. Sitting outside McDonald's crying to my old friends about how I missed walking & how I craved to just be like other people..

Today I returned to bluewater knowing I could walk and knowing I could shop as I've done it so many times since.. 

Arm down by my side, not bent; relaxed & like the other side, I felt like one of the others, someone normal and as if I was 21 instead of 80. 

No one stared, but a few shoved 

'Fuck sake!'

'Liz, calm down there only shopping' 

Brain calmed down... 

Buying loads of stuff and holding conversations with anyone that started one. 

I felt normal again, back to my old self without the arm and skinny jeans oh and the stress of when I'd have uni again or work...

Me and mum sang to old songs, danced in the car on our way home.. 

I looked out the window remembering back to a time I was last returning home from bluewater, remembering how my friends had to try to put my wheelchair away, how I longed to help but was so tired from trying to take everything in I just fell asleep as I reached the car..

We ventured into town, to sort out a few things and get a drink (non alcoholic) 

As we walked back, my leg gave way.. 

'I can't fucking do this mum'

Wanting to throw my drink on the floor but remembering I was in the middle of Canterbury, 

Trying to think of how amazing my day had been.. 

'Come on brain, you can do it!'

My feet blistering slowly in my boots where my splint rubbed, my knees becoming weaker with every step, the sun beaming onto my face making me all sweaty in my coat.. 

Not how you want to feel on such a nice day.

'Liz there's no other way of getting home, you can do it'

Then I saw the subway.. 

I wanted to cry and breakdown 

But I'm not letting it defeat me, 

I gripped the handle leading you down the slope, slowly moving my leg and trying to not scream.. 

'Mum I'm in so much pain I can't'

'Liz you can, I know you can do it'

I survived the subway and gripped my mums arm the whole way home.. 

Surprisingly my left arm was still down by my side not bent upwards or anything 

'Relaxed' as we'd call it now..

I knew recovery is a life long thing and I'm thinking of how far I've come even in the past 3/4 months, but I ache, I'm weak and tired, this I know will never change.. 

I'll keep beating goals & pushing myself to beat the stroke in the best way I can 

I'm now chilling with my feet soaking in a bucket and a foot full of blisters... 

Second nature

Considering I used to get exhausted after I'd walked 15metres I find walking like a second nature now..

I can walk as far as I need aslong as I have a destination to reach, 

When I first had my stroke I was given this rank wooden stick that when they gave me it I actually threw it and cried;

'Can't you give me a nicer one!'

'No this is all the hospital provides sorry..'

My mum went out of her way to ensure that when I came home I'd have a nicer one, a black shiny one that you could fold up..

I hated my physio I had in hospital, all because of a stick.. Crazy. 

But now I thank him for giving me the greatest gift of life; being able to have the strength to walk.. 

When I came out of hospital, me and my stepdad dropped off the sticks so others could use it... More age appropriate.

I was in a wheelchair for 2months until I finally just aimed to walk and push past my fatigue, I'd say that's the hardest thing you get from a stroke.. 

It's a battle; a battle of, wondering if you'll ever see a day not suffering tiredness, I was so hurt by the fact just looking around a shop would make me physically exhausted..

I find that when I walk for long periods of time, my knee aches to the point of it shaking (clonus) apparently... Literally looks like I'm trying to dance,

Then they see the outline of my splint and instantly stare at me knowing it's probably normal.. 

Walking up hill is the shittest bit about walking, and down hill.. I have to take a really deep breath before facing a subway because I always have to hold onto the right hand side rail.. 

Going up or down.. 

Which means I can't hold my arm, so it sticks out in a bent position, So more people stare.. 

I love the fact I can walk mainly because I remember the amount of tears I cried about not being able too, and the days spent wondering if I would atleast get some normality back in my fucking confusing world or 'new life' 

That professionals say you're weaker, but I'd say I'm stronger; inside & out. 

I've battled things I never ever imagined I'd battle before, I've beaten something that unfortunately some people don't. 

But all in all (if that's a saying) I find walking is much more enjoyable now, I always get excited to walk anywhere even to the toilet just because I know I can sit myself up and walk, on my own with no stick, no one telling me I'm 'walking wrong'

'You're placing your foot wrong lizzie' 

So much information

Today I met a physio that works with stroke patients, as no one else in Canterbury seems to give neuro physio...

I sat on my sofa nervously waiting until the doorbell rang and a woman dropped off a parcel which was a nice distraction.. 

'Have you hurt your arm?'

'Oh no.. I had a stroke' 

I looked up to see her shocked face..

Hours passed until the physio turned up, 

Questions were asked about; my stroke, my illnesses and how much movement I can do with my arm...

You know when you have a job interview and they talk at you; all the information about the company and shit you really don't care about.. You just want to find out if you've got the job, you nod aimlessly thinking 

'Hmm yeah I'm pretending to understand what you're saying'

I've had to take on so much information since my stroke that I feel like I could actually have a physiotherapy degree.. 

Learning all the muscle names

Where the muscles are in the body

How you connect muscles 

How you can become weak or why you get tired

And so on... 

Obviously I don't remember many of them, 

All I know is that my muscles in my wrist need to be straightened in order to learn to stretch my fingers open and get 'functional movement' 

Long... 

Eastenders is too much

A show I've watched for many years as do most of the public...

Full of heavy story lines that most people don't actually face in life, I mean;

It's rare that you'd push your husband off a cliff 

But what's not rare was the story of Patrick suffering a stroke;

Months after I was out of hospital this storyline happened, I cried.. 

But was happy they'd promoted how serious strokes can be.. 

They would say about Nancy having epilepsy and how she needs to stay calm... 

Until last night (Monday) when she was so physically stressed from this whole dean story line and hiding stuff in from her family

It caused her to have a sezuire.. 

I was watching it with my nan at the time, I never expected it but tears just rolled down my cheeks and I couldn't stop.

It's hard when you live with these illnesses everyday and the physical affects, but not as hard as watching them being acted out on TV that the whole nation will watch, Is harder. 

Eastenders Thankyou for showing how life destroying living with the after affects of a stroke are and how scary sezuires can be.. 

But I can't take it on anymore 

Learning to take in the world

I helped my nan and grandad do their weekly shop at tesco today..

' oh liz you can go off with your grandad he likes to get a smaller shop and get a drink quicker'

'I like to do a big shop'

Before my stroke I'd walk with my grandad, just because I could reach the Costa quicker as I'd always be tired..

This time remembering that I have a disability and thinking,

'Come on liz you can't keep up with your grandad anymore...'

But I wanted a costa,

We walked around tesco buying the stuff my grandad gets; bread, meat, wine? 

I just gazed at the shelves  as we walked round each aisle, taking in; colours, shapes, logo's, prices and every type of food I just wanted to eat or make into a meal, the ready made pizzas are such a tease when you're hungry though.. 

'See anything you like love?'

My grandad turned to smile at me.. 

'Oh no I'm fine Thankyou'

(Yeah, an alcoholic drink cause then this confusion would be mistaken for being pissed)

People wandering round with their trolleys and gazing eyes, staring at you as they pass 

'Mummy why is her arm sticking out'

'Sophie be quiet!'

I looked at the floor and tried to keep up with my grandad while holding my arm under my coat so if people stare they'd assume I'm just pregnant (which I'm not) although trying not to look as if I was hiding stuff under my coat like a theif.. 

Imagine if I got arrested like this, I think I'd laugh

My mum told me that when I was younger I saw a child with Down's syndrome and loudly said something like 'mummy why does she look funny?'

So it's a child's brain.. Like mine;

Adapting to our huge world, unaware of any problems that are to occur in later life...

'Right were done, let's get a drink'

(Thank fuck) 

I was tired of trying to process the foods and how everyone was normal. 

Fed up of how I got pushed to the side by a fat woman waddling next to me apparently fed up with how I forgot how to bend my leg and walked sideways ... 

Rude.

I'm sorry to the large lady, I did try to bend it, but it takes longer to process shit like that.

We sat in the Costa drinking hot chocolate and chatting while I texted Dan, nans friend pat sat next to me

'You look really well lizzie'

She stroked my left arm 

(Asif I needed another stroke)

I smirked thinking

(If you lived with this brain you'd know I'm not) 

But replied with 

'Thankyou' 

We then aimed for the disabled parking spaces to get to the car, 

Everyone forgot we'd parked there, pat wandered off somewhere? Grandad wandered off to where they'd normally park..

So I can't be that disabled? 

Weaker than the other

The feeling you get when you carry loads of bags around town after you've been shopping, after realising you've bought to much and that you've got marks dented into your arm from the weight of bags that are balancing on your arm.. 

That's what it's like having a stroke 

(One side weaker than the other);

You sit down for too long (I dunno like, 20mins) and your bum becomes numb, too numb to actually stand up.. 

You try to lift your weaker arm and it's so heavy that you get the knot feeling you get when you've over done exercise and NEED a massage.. 

You walk with a splint and wear your lip liner higher on one side,

their my 'bag marks' that would be left behind if I was just carrying loads of heavy bags.. 

But I can't just switch to hold them with the other hand so I'm stuck In the rut of 

'Right you need to walk home you physically need to maintain the strength in your muscles.. 

No one told me I'd feel weak after my stroke, no one prepared me for the leg swing I do when I aim to walk up or down a hill.. 

No one prepared me for the 'fuck how do I bend my leg' voice that repeats over in my head everytime it's cold & my leg is so stiff that it's physically not bending 

No one prepared me for the physical adaptions you need to get used too after a stroke

You're confined to one place (a hospital) you're not allowed out, only if you've recovered to the point of being allowed out on 'day trips' with your family.. 

So when you go out you realise just how important confidence & independence are.. Because before i honestly had no idea I needed to be this strong, or had to learn to love myself to just walk to my bloody toilet.. 

'You're young your recovery is at a higher chance than someone who is like 65?'

Hmm cheers... 

I'm weak and vulnerable that I can't even cross my legs anymore without getting cramp to the point of wanting to cry.. 

This is my short but sweet blog post about what it really feels like and for those who couldn't relate to the one before, I hope you can relate now I've compared it to something everyone loves... 

Shopping! 

Because I still love it, as much as being able to walk talk and swallow my food again.