I'd rather you ask

I'd rather you ask; the struggles, how I feel, how it felt, if I'm okay, if I need to talk , if I'm coping okay, how it happened, what I had to cope with..

I get the random 'I'm scared I'll ask the wrong thing' there is nothing wrong to ask, it's my life and I'm open about it, it's who I am, it's something I can't change and I'd rather you knew about the way my brain actually works, how my emotions are messed up, how I literally need to think about everything I do to be able to cope with being a regular adult.. 

Everything is fine to ask unless you're going to be stupid and upset me. 

You hurt people

You leave scars on the ones who try to beat you and you test those who try to get over you, oh and you try to test if they actually want to beat you..

But yet you take away the lives of those who are to vulnerable to fight against you. 

You leave people so weak even when there recovering enough to walk talk and live. Trying to lead a normal life, dealing with the pain you've caused..

Creating new pathways in a damaged brain that could give up on you again, hurting people around you; loved ones, friends, family and people who are there to just listen and support you through it..

It's hard to realise you're a life destroying 'illness' or should I call you a 'killer?' Something that we try so hard to prevent but yet people get destroyed by you. 

Dear strokes that happen to anyone at any age, we try we fight as much as we can. You're not winning if you destroy a life but you fail. You create a heartache to more people who will just want you to stop. 

Stop hurting everyone and  preventing them doing things they once did without thinking. 

I respect you don't

I don't expect you to understand how hard it is or how impossible little things can be, 

I don't even want you to understand because it's not something I'd wish apon anyone.. 

I hate the thought of anyone reaching an old enough age to have a stroke, because it would hurt to much to know you might go through this pain; not realising, loosing confidence, struggling to even walk, feeling weak constantly and loosing everything you thought was going to stay with you forever. I'd hate to think of you going through the stage of wanting to just give up and end your life, even feeling like your life was never worth living.. 

You know when you sit there and think 

'Yeah this is my plans my goals and it will be my future and everything. 

Then you get it taken away literally in the space of evening to morning. 

You miss the days you could just wake up smiling and remember what you have planned for your future planned day to keep you moving to your goals.. 

You miss the days of just sitting in your room laying down staring at the ceiling thinking;

'Shit I've actually got a job and earn my own money, I'm going to do this forever  and then the next time/day you work being there thinking 'I fucking hate this job, can't wait to go home' .. 

You then sit there so happy the days over.

This is never gonna go away

How would you feel if I laughed when you stumble?

If I pointed at you and giggled while you nearly tripped?

If I stared at your limb that you try to hide from everyone to avoid the strange looks 

If I didn't help you when you tripped over?

If I frowned at you when you smile at me?

Think about it as the person you are now..

It wouldn't happen would it? Because you're the same as everyone else

Now think about how it would feel if you were in my position, not only different but trying so hard to gain the confidence you once lost and need to recover to even leave the house..

You'd feel worthless; hurt, scared, anxious and embarrassed. 

That's how it feels to be me, everyday sometimes not that much if I try hard enough to fit in like every normal human walking the streets. 

Do you think I'm not aware that I look different and have a mild disability? 

Do you think I'm incapable of having any emotion atall?

Do you think I can balance when you shove past me, on my weaker side to the point where I feel like smacking you in the face to feel the pain you've caused me. 

It knocks me to breaking point, to feeling ashamed to what my brains done to my body, you know when I see the fast advert on ambulances I look down and cry, thinking

'Why did I fall asleep that night? Why didn't I recognise the signs? Why didn't I listen to my feelings?'

I was so close to having half my brain operated on because my brain wouldn't stop swelling up.. 

'Would that of happened if I caught the warning signs?

Would that of happened if I had the stroke when I was awake?'

That's my biggest fear more than having another stroke, the fact that my brain still throbs and pulses when I feel tired or get a headache, the fact it feels like it could explode.. It's done it once before, can happen again can't it?

'Actions speak louder than words' 

And your actions of rudeness and unkindness hurt me more than if someone broke your favourite lipstick or best pair of trainers or Infact, killed a family member, so think before you fucking act; point, stare, laugh, giggle, whisper, frown and grunt at me..

I might not seem it but I'm stronger than you even think, you'd cry if you smashed a glass, I've dealt with worth and I'm putting up with your shit pretty much everyday. 

So how are you affected?

For those who really struggle to come to terms with the fact a stroke affects more than 

Face

Arms

Speech and most other things..

Mine was on the right side;

Movement- explains my paralysis 

Vision - I was lucky

Hearing - I find it hard to hear sometimes

Memory - it was worse and still isn't great but it's improving 

Art - to be fair it's got better but took me a while to even want to pick up a pen because of my emotions 

Music - I refused to listen to any music in hospital because it hurt to much and now when I do I listen to the lyrics as they mean more than the best. 

Mathematics - I've always struggled in maths so that's no change 

The after affects of a stroke shocked me more aswell mainly because I didn't realise strokes could affect you as much.. 

I never realised how important the brain is and that it's the most important organ in your body.. 

Timehop adventures

Everyday I check my timehop to see how far I've come and make myself feel proud, most of the time it's me moan in about wanting to leave the house but being to tired too..

It's also reminding me of how once apon time i felt as if I was going to be stuck feeling that vulnerable forever, you move on and things progress things change and you reach the point and place you've been waiting for so Thankyou timehop for  reminding me of how far I've come in a year 

'My nephew had a stroke'

As the young children walked into the hall  in their classes starting from reception all the way up to year 6.

The littlest kids were aged 4, the age range going up to to about 8.. 

'Good morning everybody, we have some special guests to talk about strokes and the affects because as some of you know I am doing a marathon for the stroke association'

'Good morning miss...' As they all sat up straight and looked at her explain..

'Now not all of you know, my nephew had a stroke at 13, and was really badly affected..' 

She took a deep breath and I looked to the floor as my heart sank.

We then introduced ourselves, saying what happened when we had our stroke and how old we were..

You all know 'my story' so I won't bother explaining what I said, I just made it more suitable to younger people to hear.

The teachers smiled at me but I looked at the floor almost ashamed of what it has done to my body.. 

We then showed them slide shows of what can cause a stroke and how they affect people.

'Now you shouldn't smoke or drink alcohol'

Again I looked at the floor and kinda giggled thinking 'shit I regret that vodka shot I had saturday'

But then had to look up and think..

'But I've never smoked so I'm winning at that'

We then tested the children on what the fast advert stands for letter by letter, they got them right until the T 

Which is the most important letter in the fast advert 'um does it mean talking?' 

We giggled and explained that it means time that you need to rush someone with any signs to a hospital..

By the end of the assembly they were able to answer them all right. 

The looks on their faces and ecstatic way of throwing their hands in the air, some holding in their breath to make sure their hand was higher than anyone else's, you remember the feeling of anxiety and excitement of speaking out loud in assembly at primary school, and then if you got the answer right and the teacher praised you, the happiness you'd feel inside and how chuffed you'd feel that you'd look around thinking 'hell yeah I listened now the teacher loves me' 

Lost disfunctional confused tired & damaged

My life so far is amazing for so son who's suffered a major stroke as big headed as it sounds, I can do what I like and react how I feel is 'normal'

My plans;

'So Liz, what are your plans for the future?'

'Do you know what, I don't have or want any, maybe to just continue living life as good and enjoyable as I can with what's happened to me'...

My goals;

My main goals are to get back to uni to create a better social life again, be surrounded by people who won't judge me because of what I'm now like, they'll accept me.

My worries;

I know it's hard to return to work after a stroke but I'd like to say I was one of the small majority that do,

I worry that I'll always be the odd one out and if I have a family my children will be frightened of how I am because everyone else will be normal

I worry that I could get another life changing illness or something 

I worry that my arm or hand will never work again, it's been a year common' brain bloody reconnect the thing! I'm bored of the shoulder ache, the constant having to hold it to my body so no one laughs..

My brain;

You've reconnected so much recently you've given me ways to understand people and react to people, I know you're still recovering because I feel the random tingles you give me when I think really hard, I feel the heart beat you have, are you creating a new life for me? Will you bring me back fully...

I'm a child in an adults body

Today I had a dyslexic test to see if I'm able to return in September,

'Right can you repeat these letters'..

a c u d e 

'Right can you say these letters backwards..'

U f c d 

I was constantly sitting in this small office/room trying so hard to repeat the letters so I could pass.

I had to then read out a paragraph that was a random story.. I struggled with two words but said it all in 44seconds, I then had to write out why I liked my course, why I had chosen to study it, what job I wanted to get from it.. 

He looked up at me because at the end of my little paragraph I had written 

'I've thought about this carer as I don't think my disability would get in the way'

'Have you had trouble reading or writing before?'

'Have you ever had speech therapy before?' 

'Have you ever struggled with time or concentration problems?'

'Could you now tell me every month of the year in order..'

Um..

January, February ( I mumbled in my head, worst month of my entire life), March, April, May... And you all know the rest,

'Right Elizabeth can you now repeat them but backwards' 

I laughed to myself and completed it.. 

'So, you had a stroke?'

'Yeah it was quite random, but shit happens I suppose'

'And do you have any hobbies?' 

'Yeah I write a blog since I first had my stroke because my mum thought it'd be a good way to explain how my recovery is going'

'Really? Wow that's good, what do you write about?'

'Well.. I talk about how I feel, how I cope, how hard it can be, I moan about my disabilities and just chat about random things' 

'Do your mates read it?'

'To be honest I have no idea, they say they do but you never know.. My writings improved so much since I started writing it though'

'Yeah I bet it has.. Did you write before?'

'Ha, no.. I hated writing'

'Well the test is done I'd say you're kind of dyslexic but borderline not properly dyslexic'

I smiled and said thankyou'

'Wow blimey you're very young to have a stroke, but I would say you are ready to return'

'Thankyou so much, it's been my goal since last year, knowing I can return and hopefully recover more I never thought I would'

'Well Elizabeth you definitely seem ready to me'

The whole time I sat in this little room anxiously trying so hard to take in letters and numbers and reading out the paragraph as good as I could.. 

I felt so nervous as I just needed to feel happy about something, it was exactly like when your primary school teacher would make you read allowed in front of the class..

That's the feeling I had, my leg shaking and heart pumping aswell as my mouth yawning as I was physically and mentally exhausted.

'Do you have friends and a social life?'

'To be honest not really, I talk to those I feel I can trust because my old mates completely fucked me over after my stroke and I've found it hard to make new friends'

And this is why I feel returning to uni would benefit me in so many ways; socially mentally and physically..

Dear brain

Dear brain that even at school most teachers and myself would even doubt if you were there, the times you failed exams and the days where you'd say stupid stuff.. 

Dear brain, I know you're struggling to deal with reconnecting and creating a way to make my body function enough to make me feel complete again 

Dear brain, I miss the way you'd think of scenarios really quickly the way you'd just let me walk faster than anyone the way you'd be letting me use my arm to do anything, the way you'd remember anything I'd ever done even the laughs and tears I cried over stupid things, the way you would be able to recognise People's emotions enough to not make me feel stupid or have someone look at me and say 

'That was a joke lizzie' 

I can't function with the way you've reconnected, I mean you've made me weak on one side a side that I never really used or depended on because I was right handed but a side that made it equal to the other,Like everyone else..

Dear brain, do you remember the days/nights I'd argue with mum or be so stressed that I'd slap my head into my hands repeatedly feeling like you'd wake up and make me happy, or the times you'd give me really good ways of making someone laugh..

No? Thought not..

Because you don't care do you? You don't have to put up with living in my shoes on a day to day basis, taking on stares and laughs from random people passing me.. 

You just have to try to 'recover' to the best you can, so please try as hard as you can, I mean you do have to process the way it all makes me feel but you struggle to even do that now,

Bring back the Lizzie that was a person not someone who lives such a different life to everyone else who's my age 

Why didn't you wait until I was old and had experienced the 'best years of my life' created a family and given myself a life of adventures and unforgettable memories.. I've missed the times that were supposedly the 'best years of life' your 20's. 

So dear brain, it can be in 5 years time tomorrow or now, please wake up and recognise you're making my life a misery 

You don't see it

You don't notice the confusion I go through everyday, of if I'm even prepared to leave the house alone 

You don't notice the way I need to physically think about walking like the rest of you

You don't notice the way I ache when I walk, everything is hidden from you

You don't notice the vulnerability I feel everyday, the way I feel so lost and confused to even ask someone how their feeling.. 

You don't notice the memory problems, the way I need to try and remember everything I do during the day, I'm living in a distant lost and confused world.. 

Distant enough to feel like I've let myself down, the way I think to myself 

'I used to walk like that'

And try to remember how fast I used to walk, 

People take advantage;

They assume I'm okay to do things they'd class as okay, I feel scared to say no and tell them I'm not like that.

It's broken me;

Broken my thoughts of stopping myself have anymore illnesses to tick off my long list..

'Right Lizzie don't go on sun beds even though it's in fashion, you don't want to get cancer'

'Right Lizzie, don't smoke because you don't want to have a heartattack'

It's harder than you think, 

I don't even want you to think about my struggles because it'll make you think I'm as weird as I feel day to day.. 

Confidence is hard to gain when you can't properly process life

I've tried to Forget this ever happened to me, I find it hard to even wake up most mornings because I'm scared that I'll be paralysed again, 

I was in a&e yesterday, only people i really talk to actually know this.. 

I woke up with the same signs I had last time, so I went to a&e to get it checked.. 

As I walked through the corridor and passing the bay's of people admitted and I'll, I saw it. 

The place, the machine and the curtain 

'Hello Elizabeth.. are you awake now sweetie?.. Can you hear me?' 

As I struggled to properly open my eyes 

I looked down and was attatched to so many machines which scared me more, I cried in desperation of why I was on that position, 'right Lizzie I need you to swallow this for me, can you tell me where you are?' Again I cried.. 

My mum at the end of the bed sobbing more than I've ever seen her cry..

'Right, we can clarify she's had a stroke'

My heart sunk, probably the furthest it's ever going to sink.. To a stomach that felt as if it was a bottomless pit.. 

I sat in the bed anxiously waiting to see if I'd had another stroke or suffered a mini one.. 

I was so worried I'd end up in that position again, so I wanted to get it checked out..

It was clear but the visions of when I last woke up there weren't.. 

My strokes made me a stronger person but weak at the same time.. 

You wouldn't understand unless it happens to any of you.. 

It's good to put a face to a name

When I first had my stroke and started promoting awareness, something I'd get whenever I'd go to the hospital is

'What's yours name?'

'Umm Elizabeth ashmore'

'Oh!! You're the young girl who had a stroke, I saw you on the news..'

(As they get closer to my face asif there being patronising) 

'Really? Oh that's embarrassing'

Or..

'Oh my daughter reads your blog!'

'Great, it's something I've been writing since day one, it can be depressing but it's all my feelings..'

'No I think it's fantastic, we've had so many younger people visit us to see if they've got a risk of stroke'

'Yeah I usually tell my friends to stop smoking, but it's obviously too cool for them to do..'

I never thought I'd become so 'well known' especially not this...

Sometimes I really regret it, telling the world you're life story, but

I'm so happy I'm promoting that it can happen to anyone at any age ( even animals) believe it or not..

Not just 'over 65's' 

I physically can't anymore

I've tried and tried to work on my hand, I even hide it so people don't give me the scared look asif i'm not human, i've even tried to walk looking upwards/ straight ahead just so people think i'm really happy and seem normal..

`doctors tell me I 'look amazing'
and assume i'm recovering better than they thought I would,
so what, you're telling me you thought i'd die in the bed I was stuck in for 3 horrific months of my life. Wondering, why me?, will I be normal?, why does everyone keep telling me that i'll get better?...

You know what,
well you don't and wont because it's not happened to you..
but I genuinely thought I was going to recover to the point of being normal again, I thought and actually was kidding myself thinking
'you can walk now lizzie, you're nearly there' Now I know and realise, there is no 'there' it's just life and will be forever until I do eventually die.

I actually replied to my doctor saying
'yeah I might look amazing, but it's only because people expect me to be brave and strong, not as weak as I actually am..
I actually stumbled here, and sat in the waiting room nearly crying because some woman laughed.

sometimes I have to listen to music while I walk or before I go anywhere just to give myself hope that I wont have another stroke.

I cry when I hear about other people that have had strokes, to the point where I just want to go to them and give them the biggest hug.
but not use the same 'it'll be okay don't worry'
because thats not the case, is it? look at me,
I can't use my arm, nor can I walk properly to the point where people don't laugh or stare.


'Blimey, you're young! how awful'
yep, thats me.. take a picture, it might last longer, but you wont physically see the damage it's done to my brain (the biggest organ in my body)
but weakest...


'You're doing so well'
i'm not doing anything, i'm just trying to be who I was before and to be normal, whatever that is.


I tried to outsmart the doctors and nurses,
I only tried because I wouldn't be a failure and didn't want them to feel like they'd won.

My recovery starts now

This time last year I was unable to walk and was laying in my hospital bed after 3 months of shock worry and confusion towards why it happened to me, 

'Why can't I be normal?'

'Why can't I walk?'

'I've never smoked so why me?'

'Maybe it's karma...'

The unknowing hurt more than the fact I was incapable of living a normal life, 

This time last year was my final night in the place I longed to leave from day one..

'Lizzies home countdown!!'

Was next to my bed.. 

I'd longed for the day, the day I could set foot in my house, live my life, Start my recovery.. 

'When you get home your recovery slows down' 

Mine sped up, I was gaining confidence and so much more determination to get better and be Lizzie again, 

Just not the crazy girl who would drink loads and stumble in heels

My mum packed up all my stuff, smiling so much as she knew in the morning or afternoon the next day, I'd be returning to the house, a bit scared behind that smile as she knew the house wasn't 'stroke survivor proof' 

(Rails, slip proof matts)...

I cried as she left me that night, as I was so nervous to return to a place I'd only visited twice in 3 months, 

'No one will visit me'

'I had a stroke in the bed I'll be in..'

'I can't even walk to go shopping'

'I'm scared mum'

And it was fine... 

The shock was overcome within months until I was ready to walk outside with physios that'd visit me weekly.. 

'Right there's a carers organisation that can visit you at home, help you shower and stuff liz'

' no mum I'm not 80'

'Yes but you can't walk so you need help..'

It was all arranged; the nurses, the physio, the ot visiting, the medication routine.. 

'I'll miss pauline' 

(The crazy old lady who was my entertainment opposite me)

'Can I walk to the entrance tomorrow?!?'

'No love, you need a wheelchair, you can't walk yet..'

Again I cried,

'Great, I'm gonna be stuck in that thing getting fat and laughed at'

When I returned home it was the best day of my life

I learnt to walk and do what I used to do.. 

I learnt to cook l learnt to gain independence and started to feel a bit normal 

I missed doing what I did before 

But this was the start on my long journey 

To recover and become who I am now..

Just don't

I'm not a poor 'thing' I'm a person who had a major stroke..

I'm not 'lucky to be alive' I'm just lucky to of recovered as much as I have 

I'm not 'unfortunate' I'm just very unlucky and stupid for not recognising the signs 

I'm not 'positive' we a get down days mine are just worse and I get upset more than you would

I try my hardest to battle with everyday, getting over the fact I'm completely different to every other 21 year old, getting over the days I stumble when I walk and feeling lost if I forget where I am, I'm just a young girl who had a stroke.. I'm not an alien nor am I proud I've had one, I'm proud I've recovered this much in such a short space of time, dealing with the fact I might not ever use my arm again trying to remember the last time I actually did, regretting the fact I didn't run the day before my stroke or walk a marathon just like everyone else, with no splint, no leg ache and no regrets in what I've become. 

My new life

I'm not saying it's going to last and I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but I am saying that it's been a goal and something that this exact time last year I cried into my mums arms saying 

'I'll never be normal mum, I'll be a freak'

'I'll never walk again and I'll never go back to uni'

Today as the majority of you know, I sat in a crit that my old class had, only for an hour to see if I'd be able to cope; mentally, physically and emotionally..

As I stumbled to uni, reflecting on how I'd always struggle while trying to hold so much stuff, remembering how I once strutted through the college entrance thinking I looked good. 

I was so anxious. The stares I recieved even the fact I missed a red light to cross the road and people in cars looked confused as to why I didn't run to catch it in time..

I sat in the canteen waiting for my tutor who's helping me go back and re learn, 

I had so many of my old class mates give me huge hugs, as I walked through to the old room shaking and hiding my arm, I sat on a white chair listening to everyone talk about their work; how they made it, the purpose and So on... 

I sat there so nervous as if I was gonna jump up and show my work, I then looked at the floor and realised I can't, I can't do that yet...

I had a gut feeling where if I could I would of cried, I held it in and sat up. 

I just watched people discussing and  using both arms to talk with vigorous hand movements constantly repeating in my brain 

'Come on brain, you used to make my arm do that..'

Of course it didn't work, I sat there in a pale splint sipping a drink through a straw thinking about every swallow I took..

Smiling at everyone who glanced at me.

When I walked home I was at the rush hour of pushing college students and hearing their conversations about there day, slagging off people.

I walked slowly but aiming to walk fast enough to look like them, gripping my arm smiling as I walked remembering that I've overcome something I've aimed for, something I honestly never thought I'd achieve again..

This is the start of my new life 

'Don't let the stroke become your life lizzie' 

'You'll get there I promise'

It's not the end of my recovery nor is it the middle, Infact it's probably just the 

Beginning because recovery is for life..

I wouldn't say brave is the right word..

'Dad she's so strong, like still able to smile and run around with  Megan as if nothing's wrong'

'I don't know if I'd say brave is the right word if I'm honest..'

'I know I can't think of any other way to describe it but it seems suitable'

'I think we get thrown different things in life and have to almost get on with it'

'Yeah I feel like it's the motivation and determination that gets us through each day, strong is definitely what she is' 

Earlier I watched 'the c word'

A programme based on a true story of a lady battling breast cancer at 28,

I cried at the first 30minutes because of how my mum had to deal with the cancer scare and how I remember being on the beach at night and receiving a phone call off my stepdad that broke my heart 'liz, I don't want to scare you but your mums in hospital and has cancer'

I remember being in shock and crying hysterically to my friends who of course didn't know how to react, 

Blanking out the fact my mum had to deal with loosing a kidney and her hair, living with the thought that she might die for 6 months of her life..

I remember the day I said I'd sit through her first chemo session with her really scared because I didn't know what to expect, she sat in this pale chair and was wired up to this bag of fluid, she patiently sat back in the chair knowing she'd be there for atleast 4hours, pumped of a chemical that will destroy her body but possibly recover it, 

I remember her crying to herself after she'd woken up 3weeks in, because she'd woken up in a pillow of her hair, she'd have a towel on her pillow every night, shaking away piles of hair getting fuller everyday..

I remember coming home from being out with mates during the week and seeing her spread out across the sofa, pale as anything and so weak her arm dangling over to touch the floor with a needle just wrapped up, next to a sick bucket that'd be emptied every 5 minutes.

I remember her looking at me and asking 'Liz, are you scared of me?' Because I wouldn't come home till 10 most nights, 

I remember the day she sat in the kitchen and had her head shaved, watching her hair drop to the floor, she cried but I cried in desperation of her to just be happy again..

She was getting married just before chemo ended, knowing she'd be bald and look different, but still having so much courage to walk down the aisle 

I remember the talks I'd get from mates about how they'd had grandparents who had cancer telling me it'd be fine, telling me I'm strong for dealing with it..

Everyday I thought to myself 'is my mum okay, is she going to die? Will she get better? 

Selfishly forgetting my mum had to deal with living with cancer. The battle and the struggles the loss of confidence and ability to just feel comfortable being bald.

She ordered some wigs from some shop, mainly for her wedding, to try to look 'normal' even though she was still perfect, she put this strange plastic haired wig on and just looked at me asking what I thought, we both laughed cause she looked awful.

I remember shouting at her when she told me she was giving up chemo after her fourth cycle when she was meant to have six, she just responded saying 'Liz I feel to weak and it's going away' I just called her selfish and cried on the sofa thinking that itd kill her for not finishing the chemo..

The c word programme made me realise how selfish I was towards her, throughout her recovery and illness.. I cried as the lady had her hair cut off as it bought back memories of my mum. 

I remember her walking down the aisle to my stepdad and having the biggest smile on her face, pushing aside the fact she was bald and had cancer, remembering that day was all about her, no one else.. It was well deserved and she still looked as beautiful as ever.. 

'You're so brave'

It's not bravery it's determination to recover and live the life you've been given for a reason, the fact you've been given a second chance..

Me my mum and little sister have fought battles to live not because we were brave but because we realised life is worth living and it means more than anyone will realise, you motivate yourself to push through everyday wondering what will happen and how you'll get through it..

My first trip

Today was the first time since I was laughed at that I actually stepped on a train on my own, since my stroke.. To my dads and walked to his,

I lost all my confidence to do this when I was laughed at by a random man because I wobbled and nearly fell when standing up to get off the train,

No one understands how hard it is when you've lost all independence and confidence to actually do things you did weekly before...

I literally was so scared that id prepared in my mind; what id see, how I would get on and off, what I'd do if I fell, how I'd walk out the station and so on...

It was the best experience I've had since I first went to the hospital alone, I felt confident happy and as if I had achieved another goal in my recovery

If my phone hadn't died, it'd be much better because I could of listened to my music not some randoms loud headphones glaring out an awful song..

I walked out the station feeling so proud of myself and feeling like i had completed a level on a really hard game, Infact even bigger, I felt like I'd re walked my 10k, and taken my first steps again..

As little as it sounds, when you loose all independence and confidence you actually loose everything..