I physically can't anymore

I've tried and tried to work on my hand, I even hide it so people don't give me the scared look asif i'm not human, i've even tried to walk looking upwards/ straight ahead just so people think i'm really happy and seem normal..

`doctors tell me I 'look amazing'
and assume i'm recovering better than they thought I would,
so what, you're telling me you thought i'd die in the bed I was stuck in for 3 horrific months of my life. Wondering, why me?, will I be normal?, why does everyone keep telling me that i'll get better?...

You know what,
well you don't and wont because it's not happened to you..
but I genuinely thought I was going to recover to the point of being normal again, I thought and actually was kidding myself thinking
'you can walk now lizzie, you're nearly there' Now I know and realise, there is no 'there' it's just life and will be forever until I do eventually die.

I actually replied to my doctor saying
'yeah I might look amazing, but it's only because people expect me to be brave and strong, not as weak as I actually am..
I actually stumbled here, and sat in the waiting room nearly crying because some woman laughed.

sometimes I have to listen to music while I walk or before I go anywhere just to give myself hope that I wont have another stroke.

I cry when I hear about other people that have had strokes, to the point where I just want to go to them and give them the biggest hug.
but not use the same 'it'll be okay don't worry'
because thats not the case, is it? look at me,
I can't use my arm, nor can I walk properly to the point where people don't laugh or stare.


'Blimey, you're young! how awful'
yep, thats me.. take a picture, it might last longer, but you wont physically see the damage it's done to my brain (the biggest organ in my body)
but weakest...


'You're doing so well'
i'm not doing anything, i'm just trying to be who I was before and to be normal, whatever that is.


I tried to outsmart the doctors and nurses,
I only tried because I wouldn't be a failure and didn't want them to feel like they'd won.